Never Was A Cornflake Girl

My little corner of the internet is fairly sheltered. I follow a few bloggers, and a few bloggers follow me. Mostly we all get along. We are not all the same, but we really don't expect each other to be alike. Sometimes we disagree, but the debates generally stay civil. Even if tempers do flare, things never digress into childish bickering. Lately though, several posts on other blogs, by authors who are more widely connected, have shown me that the general transgender web community is not always this pleasant.

I refer mostly to the divide that seems to be forming between some transexuals and certain transgender activists. In this post, I have no intention of taking sides. I think this is counter productive. My point instead, is to simply ask, why can we not get along?

It seems that there are several points of contention. The one I have been hearing longest relates to some cross dressers and non-transitioning transgender people balking against a perception of a hierarchy in the trans community, with tiers based on progress in transition. I do think to some extent this hierarchy does exist, and I agree that this is wrong. I can definitely understand how it leaves some people feeling bitter.

Transition is not something for every person with any form of gender dysphoria to aspire to. It is a difficult path, with serious risks and sacrifices, both social and physical all along the way. If you are someone who needs it, you are not any more or less of a person because of where you are on that path. It is all a matter of time.

Then there are those who will never elect to walk this path. Many are transgender in the classic sense. By this I mean that they know in their heart that their mind's gender does not match their biological sex, but for their own reasons they decide not to physically transition.

With many, it is because of family reasons. They put the feelings of their loved ones first, and stay closeted to varying degrees. This does not make someone less of a woman in my eyes. I think for the most part, as women we do have a nurturing instinct, and putting the needs of someone you love ahead of your own wants, even if it means giving up something as important as your public gender identity is a huge sacrifice. My heart goes out to these girls, and their strength just amazes me.

With others, it is because of health concerns. This is not a shortcoming. Many feel the same discomfort with the male aspects of their body that I feel with mine. However, they think past that, prioritize and conclude that the physical discomfort is not worth the risks of transition. They instead make peace with their bodies. Some will elect to transition to a limited extent, and other will not undergo a physical transition at all. Some will boldly elect to live as their true mental gender without undergoing physical transition. I think weighing the options and choosing what you think you need, instead of blindly following your hearts desire takes strength. It is not right to look down on these girls. They are just on a different road.

Beyond all that, there are a plethora of other reasons not to transition. There are cross dressers, ambigender people, and many others who fall into the current definition of transgender. Some have flashes of gender dysphoria. Some feel caught between genders. Some just do not like the social constraints of gender and want to live outside of this. Some people like the thrill and challenge of dressing to pass. These people are progressive thinkers, wanting to live life on their own terms. They do not want pigeon holed, they just want to be free to be themselves. This shows independence and intelligence.

In short, there are many types of transgender people out there. Being post-op full time transexual is not the pinnacle for all trans people to aspire to. It is one of many possible paths.

Another point of contention, are non-transitioning transgender people who think their path is the only right path. I see the notion sometimes, that any of us who see ourselves as women instead of as being between gender are basically delusional. Some extend this argument to include a notion that transition as an unnecessary path best avoided by everyone. Proponents of this concept generally argue that transexual women like me are just desperate creatures, who can't see the big picture and learn to accept ourselves physically and think outside the gender binary.

My impression is that this whole idea comes from non-transitioning people who are frustrated by the perceived hierarchy laid out in the the first point of contention. I think more than anything, it is a statement made to bring post-op transexuals who seem arrogant and clique-ish down a notch.

I can also say with absolute certainty that the whole idea is wrong. I am a pre-op transexual, and transitioning is the best decision I have ever made. I do see well past the gender binary, but I feel that my place on the gender spectrum does lean very heavily to one side. Despite what my genetics and biology say, I am wired female.

For me, a lot of that extends into physical. Before I was old enough to know the differences in male and female genitalia, I already knew that what I had did not seem right. At puberty, the things my body did felt like a betrayal. I still can barely touch my adam's apple. My stomach actually tightens when I do.

I also know trans-men who experienced exactly the reverse through puberty.

My point is that if you do not need physical transition, do not assume the rest of us are misguided. Consider that maybe our issues or priorities are just different. Maybe some people have chosen transition who would have been better served by some other path, but do not assume that all of us need enlightened.

In short it seems to me that on both sides of this debate, there are people who think their path is the only path, who want to look down on everyone else. Lets please all keep in mind that many cis-gender people who feel justified in judging all of us. We all know how frustrating that discrimination is, and how upsetting it is to have close minded people assume to know our own thoughts and needs better than we do ourselves. So does it makes sense for factions in our own little community to divide into two schools of thought and make a little microcosm of societal prejudice? I don't think it does.