Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Prelude to the Explosion

I am sitting at my Mom and Dad's house. Warm because of electricity they pay for. Cozy on my bed, which is truly not mine. Feeling comfortable and safe in this environment that has always felt to me, like home.

My thoughts often turn to the question of how, at my age, I have let myself become so dependent. With my current job, the expensive early portions of transition would be out of reach if I were living in my own place. The only reason I can do what I am doing is because I am welcome here. Yet, if my parents actually knew the extent of my plans, would I be welcome? If they knew how far I have already come, would they insist that I either stop or leave. Frighteningly, I will have my answers soon. Because I can not advance much farther toward my goals without detection.

I feel so comfortable here, that sometimes even now it is hard to accept that in the coming weeks my home could be at the center of an emotional explosion; a grand parting of ways. Because the time has come for the truth, and whatever consequences follow.

I don't remember ever having so many momentous events, both positive and negative, looming on the horizon. The positives are all just wonderful. Things that even just two years ago, I would have never thought possible. I've had some very successful and enjoyable outings. My hormone experiment is working out nicely. I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been in my life. And I'm really excited about where things are going. RIght now, even when I am in drab, forced to live my day to life as a guy, I am still myself. I barely change my voice. My postures, gestures, walk and everything are my own, most of the time. 

But the biggest news of all, is that I finally have my long awaited endocrinologist referral! Tomorrow I will be calling to see if a copy has arrived at the clinic. And if so I will be taking the next available appointment. Then hopefully I am only a few meetings away from having the blood work and prescriptions I need. Then with proper monitoring, and safer injectable estrogen, I can have safer, faster transitioning from this point forward.

But as wonderful as all this is, the referral gives rise to some of the fears and stresses that vie to control my mood. This clinic is open only on weekdays. So my days of sneaking around on the weekend for all my transition related activities are almost at an end. Living with my parents, in a very small community, there is no way I can go to weekday appointments two hours away without them knowing something major is happening.

So after keeping my pseudo-male life, and my transition compartmentalized to this point, it is unfortunately time for the walls to come down. Letting Mom and Dad know whats going on is a scary thought. They could deliver the "if you are going to live under our roof then you must do what we say" ultimatum that I fear. Or they could choose to let me stay here through early transition, which is what I really want so much. I would love to have their support through these scary early steps. Either way the conversations leading to their choice are almost certainly going to be painful for all involved.