Monday, February 28, 2011

Star Crossed 2

I got a comment on my last post today that reminded me just how long I have been away from blogger and I feel terrible about it.  I hate it that I have fallen out of touch.  It has just been a busy few months for me.

I think part of the problem is that the longer I go without writing, the more there is that needs to be written, until eventually it feels impossible to catch up and becomes overwhelming.  Things are starting to settle a bit now though and I'm happy to have time to continue. 


The chance encounter I described in the previous installment left me feeling a little confused.  For the next few days, I could scarcely think of anything other than her, which was a bit odd for me.  Those striking blue eyes, those perfectly formed full lips, her delicate form.  Physically, she was beautiful.  But there was more to the attraction than that.  I have met lots of women who are pretty.  While I can acknowledge their beauty there have been very few times that I would have considered myself strongly attracted to a woman. 

It definitely takes more than beauty alone to inspire the level of captivation that I was feeling.  Beauty combined with a subtle hint of interest in me?  No, it's not that simple either. That has happened a few times since I started transition; the rare woman who can accept me as female and finds me attractive.  On the few times that I've encountered that situation, I've felt extremely flattered, but not attracted to my admirer.

Was it because this particular lady happened to be trans like me?  No, that is definitely not it.  Before I met her, I thought I wanted a man.  I had been in relationships with women and decided that was not what I wanted.  And the one thing I was absolutely certain I didn't want was a relationship with another transgender woman.  

Somehow the prospect seemed totally different after meeting her though.  I could imagine how much we would have in common.  Our life journeys so much alike.  Our current situations very similar.  She would understand my vulnerabilities and insecurities.  I would understand hers. Similar needs.  Shared hopes and dreams.   It had never appealed to me before, but suddenly it seemed it would be the most wonderful thing in the world to have that.

I've mentioned what I used to want in a relationship in other entries.  I thought I needed a man.  I loved the duality of a typical heterosexual relationship, the clearly defined roles.  I had been imagining someone who wouldn't trespass very far into my gender role.  Someone who would pursue me, and make me feel attractive.  Someone stronger than me to make me feel vulnerable, yet at the same time, protected.  

It had felt like the sincere desire of my heart, and I've had my share of crushes on men.  But suddenly I found myself not really caring if I ever had that sort of relationship at all.  I became aware that many of the reasons I had wanted it were practical and mundane. I had wanted rigid gender roles because I had thought it would be affirming.  I felt I needed someone stronger and more masculine, to make me feel more confident in my own femininity. 

Plus there are the social aspects.  A relationship with a man is the generally accepted thing for a woman to do, and of course, I have always wanted people to accept me as female.  One of the reasons I ruled out a relationship with a woman, trans or otherwise, is because I felt a strong need to achieve that acceptance.  

It all seemed instantly petty.  If I could have this girl in my life it would mean more to me than acceptance, or gender affirmation, or any of the things I had worried about.  It just didn't matter any more.  I felt I had a chance for something bigger than any of that.  I just knew that she was what I wanted and I couldn't stop imagining how wonderful we could be together.

It took me a couple of days to ask her out.  Not because of any doubt that I wanted to, but because I was terrified.  I'm not used to making the first move, and on the few occasions I ever asked anyone out, it was after I was sure the answer would be yes.  How awkward would it be if she said no?  We had so much in common.  What if I ruined a chance at a very special friendship by admitting an unrequited romantic interest?

Still I was sure I needed to ask her.  For a couple of days we danced awkwardly around it.  She was on my Facebook friends list before we had actually met.  I was afraid to send anything too overtly flirty but I wanted to send her signals clear enough that she would feel confident responding in kind, or maybe ask me out first-which would have made things lots easier.  I would find out later that the same game was being played on her side.  I thought so, but the evidence was never quite clear enough to make me certain.  That was also mutual as it turns out. 

I couldn't sleep.  I just laid awake at night thinking of her.  We had met on Saturday.  By Tuesday, it felt like a month had passed.  Finally I sent her a message in Facebook at 1:30 AM.  There wasn't anything subtle about it, and though I did it somewhat sillily to take some of the gravity out of the situation, I pretty much just asked her out straight up. She was awake too...

And she said yes. :)  Then my life began to change in wonderful ways. :)