The Results Are In, But Am I Out? Mixed Signals.

Last week, it was on Topix that I had undergone SRS already.  Even in my work clothes new acquaintances are much more likely to call me she than he.  Further back I had a co-worker kindly offer to be my Avon rep.  Some co-workers have said some extremely supportive things on my looks that border on telling me that they know.  Then there's the text message I got from my friend telling me that he had overheard a conversation where some people were saying I was turning out to be a beautiful woman.  I ran into a guy I used to know a few days ago at a local business and he had no idea who I was and actually started hitting on me.  When I told him who I was he seemed very surprised.  Then there was the talk with my boss a few blogs back.

The evidence was adding up, and I've been living under the assumption that most people know or at least strongly suspect that I am trans.  Well, then there was a fire drill Tuesday and I ended up out on the parking lot with a couple of ladies I work with. We chatted until the drill ended, then took the conversation inside.  At that point I mentioned I would be out Friday, one thing led to another and I told them everything.  

One was just wonderful.  She wasn't comfortable with it, but she had a very open minded attitude.  She said she was convinced that transgender people do have something biological happening, and that she understands no one would subject themselves to what we go through without a real need.  I think she started crying in the conversation even before me.  

The other girl was incredibly annoying.  She's like "but you have had relationships with women."  Er, lots of women have had relationships with women. I've discussed that topic at length in earlier entries so I'll not get into all that.  But my specific circumstances disregarded, a lot of genetic women choose to have relationships with women.    She said "So you're going to wear dresses and things?"  My other co-woerker pointed out that not all women wear dresses.  At one point she actually ask if I would "actually be wearing bras to work?"  It was very obvious that she considered the notion laughable.  I guess the most annoying question was "Can you really pull it off?"  She sounded extremely skeptical.  I explained that I never have trouble anywhere I go.

She even managed to somehow throw into the conversation that there was no way I would ever have bigger boobs than her.  She said it jokingly but something about it felt like she was wanting it to sting.  I innocently explained that I had considered implants but decided a sleeker look works better for me.  She made a poor attempt at seeming supportive even while managing to throw in several rude comments. When my other co-worker hugged me and offered to listen if I needed anything, she followed suit, though with decidedly less sincerity.

Her attitude was fairly annoying, but really the most shocking part of the conversation was that both seemed completely caught off guard.  They each said they noticed the makeup, and that I seemed a little changed physically,  but that they had not heard the rumors and that neither had ever considered I might be trans.

Could it be that I'm not as out as I think?  After all the stuff that has happened in the last few weeks this was so confusing.  It was like I had stepped into the twilight zone or something.  My confidence in my appearance was shot.  The whole understanding of peoples' perception of me was suddenly called into question.  Many of the events of the last few weeks suddenly made no sense at all.

Wednesday I woke up feeling better though, and determined.   I threw on a stretchy bright red crew neck tee, distressed skinny jeans, and a tasteful amount of makeup in subtle tones.  Then I styled my hair into sharply defined intricate curls and sprayed and teased it for high volume.  One co-worker told me I was beautiful and the hair got several compliments.  The rude girl I came out to even complimented me, if  "Your hair looks better than yesterday." counts. LOL!  Still I've struggled for confidence since that conversation and their apparent surprise.  

This morning she had the gaul to ask me to move six very light projector boxes for her. We work in the same department, but she is certainly my supervisor by no means, and moving boxes doesn't fall into either of our job descriptions.  Yes, she just decided that since I'm a man, I should be carrying boxes for her.  I masked my anger well I think but she must have noticed, because she felt compelled to add a few seconds later that she was on her way to a meeting and didn't want to leave the projectors in the hall.  But please, how long does it take to carry 6 boxes from an adjoining room?

I was angry but I didn't feel confident enough to express that.  In her mind, I'm a guy.  I'm still technically presenting as male.  I was caught off guard, nervous and couldn't think of anything better to say, so I told her I would do it though I had no intention.  I just left them in the hall to see how long it would take for her to figure out she needed to move them herself.  Eventually she did, or had someone do it.  

I was walking through the high school office this evening and a co-worker was discussing a pageant with a student competing in it.  I just overheard them discussing how she should walk when they noticed me.  "There's just the person we need!"  And yes, they asked me very nicely to teach her a nice runway walk.  If I were feeling more confident, I would have loved to help.  I was just so flattered!  It just made my day.  

Anyway, I'm in a much better mood now.  I still feel I'm mostly out and that people will respond well to me.  As for the rude girl, I can still be nice to her.  My confidence is back and she can't touch that.