Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Results Are In, But Am I Out? Mixed Signals.

Last week, it was on Topix that I had undergone SRS already.  Even in my work clothes new acquaintances are much more likely to call me she than he.  Further back I had a co-worker kindly offer to be my Avon rep.  Some co-workers have said some extremely supportive things on my looks that border on telling me that they know.  Then there's the text message I got from my friend telling me that he had overheard a conversation where some people were saying I was turning out to be a beautiful woman.  I ran into a guy I used to know a few days ago at a local business and he had no idea who I was and actually started hitting on me.  When I told him who I was he seemed very surprised.  Then there was the talk with my boss a few blogs back.

The evidence was adding up, and I've been living under the assumption that most people know or at least strongly suspect that I am trans.  Well, then there was a fire drill Tuesday and I ended up out on the parking lot with a couple of ladies I work with. We chatted until the drill ended, then took the conversation inside.  At that point I mentioned I would be out Friday, one thing led to another and I told them everything.  

One was just wonderful.  She wasn't comfortable with it, but she had a very open minded attitude.  She said she was convinced that transgender people do have something biological happening, and that she understands no one would subject themselves to what we go through without a real need.  I think she started crying in the conversation even before me.  

The other girl was incredibly annoying.  She's like "but you have had relationships with women."  Er, lots of women have had relationships with women. I've discussed that topic at length in earlier entries so I'll not get into all that.  But my specific circumstances disregarded, a lot of genetic women choose to have relationships with women.    She said "So you're going to wear dresses and things?"  My other co-woerker pointed out that not all women wear dresses.  At one point she actually ask if I would "actually be wearing bras to work?"  It was very obvious that she considered the notion laughable.  I guess the most annoying question was "Can you really pull it off?"  She sounded extremely skeptical.  I explained that I never have trouble anywhere I go.

She even managed to somehow throw into the conversation that there was no way I would ever have bigger boobs than her.  She said it jokingly but something about it felt like she was wanting it to sting.  I innocently explained that I had considered implants but decided a sleeker look works better for me.  She made a poor attempt at seeming supportive even while managing to throw in several rude comments. When my other co-worker hugged me and offered to listen if I needed anything, she followed suit, though with decidedly less sincerity.

Her attitude was fairly annoying, but really the most shocking part of the conversation was that both seemed completely caught off guard.  They each said they noticed the makeup, and that I seemed a little changed physically,  but that they had not heard the rumors and that neither had ever considered I might be trans.

Could it be that I'm not as out as I think?  After all the stuff that has happened in the last few weeks this was so confusing.  It was like I had stepped into the twilight zone or something.  My confidence in my appearance was shot.  The whole understanding of peoples' perception of me was suddenly called into question.  Many of the events of the last few weeks suddenly made no sense at all.

Wednesday I woke up feeling better though, and determined.   I threw on a stretchy bright red crew neck tee, distressed skinny jeans, and a tasteful amount of makeup in subtle tones.  Then I styled my hair into sharply defined intricate curls and sprayed and teased it for high volume.  One co-worker told me I was beautiful and the hair got several compliments.  The rude girl I came out to even complimented me, if  "Your hair looks better than yesterday." counts. LOL!  Still I've struggled for confidence since that conversation and their apparent surprise.  

This morning she had the gaul to ask me to move six very light projector boxes for her. We work in the same department, but she is certainly my supervisor by no means, and moving boxes doesn't fall into either of our job descriptions.  Yes, she just decided that since I'm a man, I should be carrying boxes for her.  I masked my anger well I think but she must have noticed, because she felt compelled to add a few seconds later that she was on her way to a meeting and didn't want to leave the projectors in the hall.  But please, how long does it take to carry 6 boxes from an adjoining room?

I was angry but I didn't feel confident enough to express that.  In her mind, I'm a guy.  I'm still technically presenting as male.  I was caught off guard, nervous and couldn't think of anything better to say, so I told her I would do it though I had no intention.  I just left them in the hall to see how long it would take for her to figure out she needed to move them herself.  Eventually she did, or had someone do it.  

I was walking through the high school office this evening and a co-worker was discussing a pageant with a student competing in it.  I just overheard them discussing how she should walk when they noticed me.  "There's just the person we need!"  And yes, they asked me very nicely to teach her a nice runway walk.  If I were feeling more confident, I would have loved to help.  I was just so flattered!  It just made my day.  

Anyway, I'm in a much better mood now.  I still feel I'm mostly out and that people will respond well to me.  As for the rude girl, I can still be nice to her.  My confidence is back and she can't touch that.  


ms.shandy said...

Oops, edited now so the photo displays correctly and to correct some other little things. I'm sure there are plenty typos left though. :P

LeAnne said...

The reason behind her seemingly being rude and poking a little fun at you is what women do when they are jealous. They will try to take you down a notch, stabbing you in the heart, making you feel small and smiling all the way.
Jealous?? Yeah, they are jealous. Of you!
They are seeing you as the woman you are. Wishing that they could look as good as you. To them, born males are not supposed to look and act better than the born females.
They have taken their gender for granted, and speaking of you when you are not in ear shot. Saying

"Oh my god!! Have you seen her? She is gorgeous!! I wish that I had her confidence!! God!! I am sooo jealous!"

ms.shandy said...

@LeAnn That's actually the conclusion I drew, sort of. It jsut feels so arrogant to think that someone could be jealous of me. I guess I'm so used to hating myself that its a little hard to believe. But that is the impression I got. Still feels arrogant writing it. :P

Common Teri said...

Good luck as you continue to come out to co-workers. Friends I thought would be supportive were not and some I thought would be negative turned out to be awesome. You just never know. Keep you head up and confidence strong and you'll get through it.

Elizabeth said...

You are a beautiful young lady so I would not worry too much if I was you.

I went through something similar when I was younger and people are not as cognizant of small gradual changes. They perceive what they see daily as normal and sort of morphing into a girl with androgynous clothes the new you each day becomes the norm until they notice things like breasts etc..

It is IMHO impossible to look at you and not see a beautiful young lady. IMHO you have chosen an intelligent way to transition into the real you. It is impossible to not see you as a beautiful young woman.

I went through my process as a student in high school. Gym was interesting but faculty and staff are more aware and usually more compassionate.

As for the troublesome woman just be patient and be calm because sometimes people are just jerks and her comment about "boobs" indicates she realizes you already have a female body and the other comment is correct. It is jealousy because I am betting you are more beautiful already than her.


Dani said...

I agree with LeAnn, she's jealous. You look fantastic and a jealous woman can be downright venomous...come to think of it, I'm kind of jealous, too! LOL! :-D

Jenny said...

It's a me-too comment, but yes, she's jealous. She has evidently noticed that you have better legs than her.

Maybe this out-but-not-quite-out situation is a good thing, because it makes you old news. When you finally come out fully, the gossips and spiteful people will be disarmed because enough people will already know.

Leslie Ann said...

It sounds like you came out to the two most unobservant women in the school! Was their surprise genuine? The jealousy of the one was real enough.

I'm pleased to hear that you got over her slights quickly. You really can't let people like that get to you.

Looking fabu, as always!

chrissie said...

I should have half your "troubles," pet... :-)

That is a lovely photo..!!

I hate you! ;-)


Two Auntees said...

Yes, I know she was jealous as she compared herself to you.

It is hard to really know just how many people actually know you to be trans, as with me I thought many people that I didn't know saw me as female and many more people connected to my children have learned about me and don't really care.

congrats on your success.

Suzi said...

I agree with LeAnn too because I'm definitely jealous OMG girl...that pic of you is outstanding. Show that one around work and see what they say. They will definitely turn green...with envy of course. :)Suzi

Anne said...

You are stunning! Get used to it and don't let it go to your head. Beware that guys will see you primarily as a sexual object and the women will envy your looks. Its all just part f being an attractive young woman.

Forget about being "trans". You have "been there, done that". I beleive that Now is the time to just "move on" with yor life.

Enjoy, Be happy, and do no evil.

GirlWhoShould (Lucy) said...

Forget the rude woman, you're doing (and looking) great x

Jerica Truax said...

Well thats disconcerting about the one woman but still it seems things are going well. I hope the official coming out at work happens soon and goes well girl! you look amazingly gorgeous!!! =)

<3 Jerica

ms.shandy said...

Somehow I got confused and thought I had already answered comments on this one. I must have just thought about it without doing it. :P

But anyway thanks for all the encouragement. =) If I could hold on to the feeling I have when I finish reading the comments here, I would be absolutely invincible.