Monday, February 08, 2010

The Decay of Boy Mode

*~*~Me at work today,  February 8, 2010.~*~*

The first month and a half of 2010 have been very eventful in terms of my physical transition.  The hormones are still slowly altering my body shape, my skin continues to soften, and the remaining body hair continues to lose follicle density, pigmentation and thickness.  Even my face looks a little different, especially in the rounding of my cheeks.

On top of all that, the facial laser appointment I had in mid-January has proven very successful.  The laser operator at the new place is a lot more thorough than the dermatologist I was seeing.  She carefully zaps the entire area at the setting decided on for the session, then lowers the settings and does a second round.  The result is no huge gaps like I used to experience.  As a matter of fact, it has probably been 20 years since I have had such small amounts of facial hair. Of course, some of it will grow back, but I am scheduled for 4 more treatments yet.

The old self conscious feeling that used to come with working with my new voice is also gone.  I get to use my natural inflection, which I used to hold back, and combine that with my now higher and clearer voice.  I'm pleased with the results, and the whole thing feels very natural.  So natural in fact, that it is very hard to recapture my male voice.

The end results of all of the great changes?   I look a lot less male, or at least to me I do.

The upside of this, is that I feel much better about myself, no matter what gender I am presenting as on a given day.  As my true gender, I'm much more confident.  But even in boy mode I have the comfort of knowing that no matter what I wear, I just really don't look like a guy.

The downside?  Changes this drastic do not go unnoticed. Of itself, that is not a bad thing.  I'm proud of my gender, and I want to be recognized properly, and I don't want to have to rely on clothing and makeup for props to help people make that identification.  But I still must work as a guy so there is the worry that eventually I will go far enough that my employment is jeopardized.

Right now, most people are nice to me.  A few men at the office are standoffish, but otherwise things are smooth.  Many of the kids speak to me in the halls now, and it has been months since any of the boys have shouted "fag" or "gay" as I pass by.  I'm not quite sure how much people know about what is happening with me.  As long as they continue to tolerate me through this awkward in-between stage, I'll be so grateful to my little home town. :)


NickyB (aka the CFG) said...'re looking good and sounding good anyway!
The inbetween stage is difficult

Common Teri said...

Honestly I don't see any maleness in that pic. Hormones do wonderful things to soften us. My face changed way more than I ever thought it would. Chest hair I once fretted over completely vanished just from hormones.

Don't be surprised when people just start regularly referring to you as a woman when you think your in boy mode. Can't imagine the folks you work with not seeing the change. By the time you tell them they'll probably say, "it's about time". Best wishes you're doing great!

Anonymous said...

I don't see how you could ever pass as a guy...and I love the pierced ears :)Suzi

caroline said...

Looks to me like boy mode is history.

Caroline XXX

chrissie said...

Very pretty, hon!!



Melissa said...

I remember your old profile pic, and all I can say is wow! I see nothing but a girl. Your skin is beautiful!

If your employers haven't said anything to you by now, I doubt that you have anything to worry about, because surely they have noticed the changes.

Melissa XX

Stace said...

What everybody else has said :)

Looking back your shots from 2008 on your Flickr page the transformation is amazing!

You do have lovely skin.

I'm jealous :)


Jenny said...

Wow. You've sure arrived!

Tina Jenson said...

Glad it's all going well for ya kid. :)
You look ma-velous!!

Leslie Ann said...

Gloriouser and gloriouser. See? I have to invent new words to describe your awesomeness!

Lori D said...

The fact you share so openly and write so prolifically is why I keep returning to read your progress. You're on a great track!

Kristina Nicole said...

I have to agree with everyone else--I do not see a male at all in that photo--all I see is a woman, and a pretty woman at that!

Rebecca said...

You are well on your way to living the life you want and deserve and I’m so very happy for you. But the best part is seeing how happy and content you look.

Samantha said...

Admittedly, I've only recently found your blog here, so now I have another to catch up on. I haven't seen any of the old picture, but the new one is awesome. How anyone could really see a boy at all is beyond me. You look like you are doing really well!

Way to go!