I just had one of the most gratifying experiences ever, less than an hour ago and now I'm just sitting at home feeling so content. I got off from work and went to the next town over to hit Taco Bell with Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad just wanted to eat and drive, so I offered to go in and order. I looked a wreck. Five days behind on maintaining my eyebrows. 10 hours since a shave, and a little hair is creeping back in since the last laser appointment. Huge Lee Dungaree jeans. Two layers of oversize mens shirts. Giant clunky Doc Marten's and a massive leather men's trench coat.
I placed my order and as she handed me the receipt, I was almost certain the clerk called me ma'am.
I was wondering if I had heard correctly as I gathered up my various sauce packages, straws and napkins. Then my order came up and as I tried to find a way to carry 3 drinks and a bag, she said "Ma'am, would you like a drink carrier?"
I'm sure I was absolutely beaming. Her words were unmistakable this time. I was looking as masculine as I ever look anymore, trying (though not very hard) to pass as a guy, and without makeup, and with clothes that worked against me instead of in my favor for purposes of gender identification, she called me ma'am with complete confidence.
I'm more confident than ever that I am well on my way to being able to successfully go full time and consistently have my true gender recognized.
Some interesting phone things have happened lately too. I'm being identified as female on 100% of calls to parties who don't know me in person.
Also, central office called to requeset I offer my services to one of the elementary schools for some computer stuff. She left me the number of the girl I was supposed to help. They had told her the tech "guy" would be calling, so she expected a man.
So when I called, she seemed a little confused. After we had talked a few minutes she's like "So, your husband is the one coming to help?" :P
I'm feeling so confident.
Outside today the snow was melting away and the sun was filtering through the grey winter clouds. Maybe it heralds the end of more than one winter in my life. Spring seems filled with new hope for me. I don't know what 2010 holds, and I'm sure there are challenges. I am confronting my physical challenges and changing perceptions. I'm getting to be myself, and as my body changes I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. No matter what happens and how things come out, its worth absolutely anything to live my life with authenticity.
=)
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9 comments:
Big smile here! Did you really think that simply wearing men's clothes was going to work for you anymore? After I saw the last picture you posted, my first thoughts were, your days of being seen as a male, are definitely over! You're all girl, sweetie! You could go full time right now, if you wanted to! :-)
Melissa XX
That must have been great! Well done.
I know the feelings that go with the phone calls. I'm lucky in that over the phone I get called Mrs half the time without me actually trying (actually if I try I get it less than if I don't...)
Stace
Oh - and I'm with Melissa, judging by your last picture you could go full time anytime you wanted...
Stace
So, will your husband be attending the next support meeting? What a good laugh that gave me!
It's funny that your friends can tell you these things over and over, but the girl at Taco Bell is the one that cinches it for you. You are lovely, Shan, even in your boy clothes. You can't hide your light much longer, and I'm not suggesting that you try.
Careful, you'll start giving us girl envy! :)
I too agree with Melissa.
Thought we told you that already! Kind of envious here but you enjoy it.
Caroline xxx
I think 2010 is going to be a wonderful year for you! I couldn't be happier for you Shannon!
That's so awesome girl! I often wondered when I would no longer pass as a guy anymore....now that I'm full time I guess I don't have to try and find that out as I never wear those kinds of clothes anymore.
What I want to know...is what did you tell the gal when she asked you if your husband was coming ? LOL
*hugs* !!!
<3 Jerica
@Jerica. First I just set there for a moment smiling and near laughter. Then after I had a split second I decided that since I have to go over there and meet her in person next Friday, and I'm working in a male presentation, that I pretty much had to feign complete surprise and explain who I was. At that point she apologized and explained it was because of my name, which is androgynous. Of course I told her no apologies were necessary and we had a pleasant chat. :)
@Leslie LOL! Its just that she's coming from such an objective position that makes her opinion carry so much weight. :P I don't think my husband can make it to the meeting on time. I doubt he can find his way from my imagination to Lexington, and he never asks for directions.
@Stace It is really nice getting to interact and test the voice without other cues on the phone. Its a real confidence booster. Its been really a bit hard for me. My natural inflection is okay, I think, but I've had to work on pitch and achieving smoother modulation.
@Rebecca Thanks! I am feeling so positive about this year so far. Just had a very nice weekend htat has left me feeling even more hopeful than ever.
@Melissa I wish I did feel comfortable with going full time, but there's still a lot I have to do before I can present consistently. Right now I'm doing facial laser every ffive weeks, and the 10 days following that, I look like an absolute train wreck. :P
@Caroline and Jenny thanks for the compliments! I've still got a long way to go but I'm feeling really hopeful about transition at this point. Everything seems more possible with each passing day.
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