Saturday, August 01, 2009

The Trouble With My Parents

Something happened today that perfectly illustrates why Mom and Dad can't really understand or accept me.

Mom and Dad were away this morning, and for a rare moment, I had the television remote. After a glance through the channels I came upon the opening of Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I really didn't feel I was in the mood for a romantic comedy, but I got pulled in. By the end I was thoroughly engrossed; laughing, crying, and enjoying the emotional release. It was a welcome little break after the stressful Friday I had.

Then, just as Bridgett messed up Mark's opening for a wedding proposal in the end, Mom and Dad broke through the front door. Everything after that was reflexive. Without a conscious thought, I was flipping through the channels for something less girly and worrying whether it was possible to tell I had been crying.

I thought I had learned to loosen up around them, but the shame and defensive habits are still there. They don't see the real me. They see me, trying to relax and be myself, but holding back, or alternatively overcompensating as a cry for recognition. I just can't relax and let them see the me my friends know. Instead, they get a mechanical version of me, with every action governed by either shame, or a demand to be seen as my true gender. I don't know if it well ever get easier. I feel judged, and it makes interaction hard, and overly complex.

If only every day could be like last weekend, surrounded by accepting friends. I have found I love to socialize when I can just be myself, and say and do what comes naturally instead of finding myself overly aware of every word and every action. Its really too much work.


6 comments:

Wickked said...

Shan,

I'm really loving the new pic!

Just know that Chase and I love you, and we wish we could see you more. I don't know if you heard anything from John, but Chase is teaching math at the middle school now, and we will be just minutes away from each other. Cool, huh?

ms.shandy said...

Yes! Dad did tell me about the job and I'm so happy for you and Chase! I guess it means a school change for you. But you were never thrilled with the old school, so that should be a good thing! Tell him congratulations for me?

I love and miss you guys, and you, have missed some fine shopping. :P

ms.shandy said...

Oh, and thanks for the compliments on the photo!

chrissie said...

It's a great photo of you, ms shandy!!

love
chrissie
xxxx

Kate said...

Is it your parents making you feel that way? Or is it you? Sorry, I know that's a personal question, but I have to wonder.

I know that very often in my own experience, I have tended to project my own discomfort on others when there otherwise wouldn't be an issue. Just a thought.

The picture is a cute one. Take care!

Kate

ms.shandy said...

No need to be sorry Kate! Its a personal question, but my blog does tend to be about exploring fairly personal things. :)

I suppose it is not completely fair to blame it on my parents. Really, the way we act and feel is always up to us. But they are really the only people who make me feel that way. I know they don't understand me, and don't accept what I am doing. They see me as obsessed, and they see me as male. Their opinion is incredibly important to me, and as a result it is very hard just to relax and be myself around them.

Fortunately its not a problem I have around other people.