Wednesday, August 12, 2009

...and then came the crash...

Sometimes even when you know you should feel blessed it can be hard to keep things in perspective. Yesterday was an entire day of that for me. There was flash flooding in the early morning, and as a result my office was just short of being totally closed. With the staff mostly gone, I was free to drag around, come in late, and then sit around thinking entirely too much.

When I think too much, and have no one to talk to, my mind turns sometimes to depressing thoughts. At the moment my face is recovering from laser, and yesterday I was feeling kind of bloated. So my mind kept thinking of things like: "Why can't I be curvier?, "Will laser ever work, am I wasting money on it?", "Why do hormones have to be so slow in every way?" Then there is the debate which has become such a major stress in my life. "Should I stay home this weekend and try not to stress my family, or should I run off to Lexington, have a good time and leave them to worry?" I need to be able to get out sometimes, dress the way I want and actually participate in society. I don't think they'll ever understand that. So for now I am always stuck with either being stifled, or upsetting people I care deeply about.

So to make a long story short, I spent the day feeling ugly, isolated, frustrated, and just depressed. I slept away a good part of my evening. Yet the whole time, I was feeling guilty for being upset, because deep down I know I am making good progress. Most days thats pretty obvious to me. Most of my evening was wasted on napping, but I did wake up in a better mood.

Today I woke up and washed up. When I looked in the mirror I thought about how much closer I am to where I need to be, and felt very content. I don't see any of my friends as often as I would like, and most the time I am surrounded by people who I have to interact with as a male. But I'm not just biding my time. The hormones are always at work. Each paycheck brings my finances more under control. By the end of the school year, I am almost sure I should have things in order to move and go full time.

So, I need to stay focused, keep my chin up and just enjoy the steady pace of my progress, and the times I do get with my friends, and even with my family, despite our differences. There is fun to be had, and studying to be done for certifications before the big job hunt. I need to realize all that is coming up soon, and starting getting things done.

So today I am happy, and feel very blessed as I should. Maybe I'll study for CISCO certification when I get home. :P


Amy K. said...

Don't you just love mood swings?

ms.shandy said...

I know so many people that suffer through mood swings. Its terrible. I just hope I never have one. I can't even imagine...


Anonymous said...

LOL...silly girl. You wouldn't be a woman if you didn't have mood swings. It's such a great thing that you are finally able to wind your way through the confusing thoughts and come to the realization that things really are working pretty long as you don't have to pour concrete, that is. Still, if I was you, I'd head out of town and let the family stew a little. They need to learn that you are old enough to make your own decisions, and that you have your own life to live. As my Grandma used to say, "they have the same pants to get happy in." It doesn't mean you don't care about them. In fact, I think you are just teaching them that you are an individual who is plenty old enough to cut the apron strings and make your own decisions about the life you have been given. The more freedom you express, the more they will come to accept your decisions, even if they disagree with them. They will become desentizied to a degree. I got over worrying about my son when he turned 18. My wife still worries about him and he's Keep up the good're looking great hon. :)Suzi

ms.shandy said...

Thanks Suzi, for the kind words. I think you are right, that I need to start expressing a little independence. I guess once I establish that I am going to be traveling often, as myself, with supportive friends,everyone will adjust to some extent and it will become less stressful for us all.

Ah, its hard right now though. Every time I leave its so much drama.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, girl.

You are doing some very hard things, and that takes a very strong woman. I know that you'll come through it all to be a healthy happy woman who loves and enjoys life. I can see it in your words and in your face.

I'm rooting for you!