Pronoun Confusion and an Aside Regarding Bras.

I was in a computer lab trying to assist a teacher with the recovery of some missing writing assignments stuck out on the network somewhere.  One of the students began logging in, though it was pretty much a waste with the issues we had at the time.

So the teacher said, "Wait until he- Wait 'til ... is done working on them!"  I felt so sorry for her.  The rumors are out there, and my presentation is mostly in order, yet I'm still not officially out.  So awkward for everyone.  It was very considerate of her to try avoiding "he", I think.

This pushing the edge of androgyny grows more awkward by the day.  People who read my blog regularly are very familiar with my current mode of dress. Women's jeans, stretchy women's tops in gender neutral colors and necklines.  I wear my hair as curly and voluminous as I wish, and I don't shy away from makeup, though I try not to get to carried away.  Male elements?  Pretty much just the shoes, or if it is very cold I sometime's use a men's button up shirt as a cover up part of the day.  The shoes are a sort of odd hold out.  As long as people are calling me he and I can't correct them, it just feels odd wearing something that makes a blatant gender statement.  My clothes hint strongly at my gender, but by cut, shape and fit only.  Most of the shoes in my wardrobe go well beyond that.  It is the same for jewelry.  My ears need re-pierced now, but, I would gladly wear studs to work, while the styles I actually prefer, I would probably never consider until out.

That probably sounds like an awkward enough presentation as it is, with people widely regarding me as male, with no word from me to the contrary.  But the really odd part?  I almost never wear a bra.  There are two reasons.  The first is much like the shoes, earrings, or tops of gender specific style.  A bra generally can't be 100% hidden under the types of top I wear, and makes a very, very strong gender statement.  The, other thing is that everyone there has seen me completely flat chested for 8 years, and suddenly rocking up to work wearing a bra, people would probably think I was faking having breasts. For some reason the idea of someone thinking that irritates me to no end.  Being flat chested has always been a source of major embarrassment and insecurity for me.  Of course I'm still fairly flat chested, but I'm not totally flat chested.

So my solution has been to intentionally demonstrate for a time that I actually should be wearing a bra. It sounds pretty crazy I'm sure and a lot of my friends are puzzled by this strategy.  I suspect it is equally confusing for people at work.  Really I've probably already made my point, but that still leaves the first issue.  That I am not technically out.  I really doubt anyone is going to understand my logic on this one, but at least I tried.

Today I heard the word "boobs" in hushed tones twice as I entered classrooms, and lots of indecipherable murmurs as kids glanced/smirked/stared in my general direction.  The subject may not have been me, but the timing seems suspicious, and it happens often.  I'm feeling self conscious but if I can hold out until the start of Christmas break, it's all going to get easier as I can settle into a normal presentation.  If I can just pull this off a little longer without embarrassing myself it will all be fine.

Sometimes I wish I could move.  I never have to think about this stuff in Lexington, where people don't know my past.  This is just the most awkward place I could possibly be right now.  I'm so self conscious about being perceived as male and it leaves me completely insecure.  Worrying about the perception of everyone around me keeps me nervous and anxiety always runs high. There are a million instances that cause me no stress anywhere else in the world that leave me feeling inferior and ready to run away in this awkward in-between presentation, surrounded by people who have always perceived me as male.  I so wish I could explain it better.

Let the psych analysis begin...

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