Thursday, November 11, 2010

Pronoun Confusion and an Aside Regarding Bras.

I was in a computer lab trying to assist a teacher with the recovery of some missing writing assignments stuck out on the network somewhere.  One of the students began logging in, though it was pretty much a waste with the issues we had at the time.

So the teacher said, "Wait until he- Wait 'til ... is done working on them!"  I felt so sorry for her.  The rumors are out there, and my presentation is mostly in order, yet I'm still not officially out.  So awkward for everyone.  It was very considerate of her to try avoiding "he", I think.

This pushing the edge of androgyny grows more awkward by the day.  People who read my blog regularly are very familiar with my current mode of dress. Women's jeans, stretchy women's tops in gender neutral colors and necklines.  I wear my hair as curly and voluminous as I wish, and I don't shy away from makeup, though I try not to get to carried away.  Male elements?  Pretty much just the shoes, or if it is very cold I sometime's use a men's button up shirt as a cover up part of the day.  The shoes are a sort of odd hold out.  As long as people are calling me he and I can't correct them, it just feels odd wearing something that makes a blatant gender statement.  My clothes hint strongly at my gender, but by cut, shape and fit only.  Most of the shoes in my wardrobe go well beyond that.  It is the same for jewelry.  My ears need re-pierced now, but, I would gladly wear studs to work, while the styles I actually prefer, I would probably never consider until out.

That probably sounds like an awkward enough presentation as it is, with people widely regarding me as male, with no word from me to the contrary.  But the really odd part?  I almost never wear a bra.  There are two reasons.  The first is much like the shoes, earrings, or tops of gender specific style.  A bra generally can't be 100% hidden under the types of top I wear, and makes a very, very strong gender statement.  The, other thing is that everyone there has seen me completely flat chested for 8 years, and suddenly rocking up to work wearing a bra, people would probably think I was faking having breasts. For some reason the idea of someone thinking that irritates me to no end.  Being flat chested has always been a source of major embarrassment and insecurity for me.  Of course I'm still fairly flat chested, but I'm not totally flat chested.

So my solution has been to intentionally demonstrate for a time that I actually should be wearing a bra. It sounds pretty crazy I'm sure and a lot of my friends are puzzled by this strategy.  I suspect it is equally confusing for people at work.  Really I've probably already made my point, but that still leaves the first issue.  That I am not technically out.  I really doubt anyone is going to understand my logic on this one, but at least I tried.

Today I heard the word "boobs" in hushed tones twice as I entered classrooms, and lots of indecipherable murmurs as kids glanced/smirked/stared in my general direction.  The subject may not have been me, but the timing seems suspicious, and it happens often.  I'm feeling self conscious but if I can hold out until the start of Christmas break, it's all going to get easier as I can settle into a normal presentation.  If I can just pull this off a little longer without embarrassing myself it will all be fine.

Sometimes I wish I could move.  I never have to think about this stuff in Lexington, where people don't know my past.  This is just the most awkward place I could possibly be right now.  I'm so self conscious about being perceived as male and it leaves me completely insecure.  Worrying about the perception of everyone around me keeps me nervous and anxiety always runs high. There are a million instances that cause me no stress anywhere else in the world that leave me feeling inferior and ready to run away in this awkward in-between presentation, surrounded by people who have always perceived me as male.  I so wish I could explain it better.

Let the psych analysis begin...

*~*~*~*~*~*

6 comments:

Melissa said...

Shandy, I'll bet you dollars to donuts, that many of those people who always known you as a male, are saying to themselves, "I can't believe, what a pretty woman she's turning out to be." They may not say it to your face, but I'll bet their thinking it, and saying it to each other.

You've done yourself proud, sweetie! Hold your head high, and act like you are proud of who you are. I know that all of your friends here, are very proud of you!

Melissa XX

Tina said...

Have you thought of using pasties? only without the tassels, that would become a problem. LOL

I totally know what you're saying about the hometown pressure. This girl just wasn't strong enough to go it. But you're doing great sister. Like Melissa said, hold your head up and be proud!

Hugz, Tina

Jenny said...

I remember when I was at school. My school days stretched ahead of me for the term of my natural life, for ever.

But in reality I only ever had to suffer the place for a few years, you're only at school for a few years and that same time passes really quickly as an adult.

My point? It won't be too long before there are more inmates at your workplace who have only ever known you as the woman you have become rather than the bloke you once wore on the outside, and it won't be much longer than that before none of them are able to remember the bloke at all. Hang in there.

Amy K. said...

I started with sports bras and then naturally graduated to a regular bra at some point. At first I wore tops that would cover, but then I started wearing others with which you could spot the straps. I got very daring near the end, hehe! Dysphoria really pushed me quite a bit.

I bet once you start wearing heels or flats, that would be such a big change for you... probably bigger for you than for anyone noticing. :)

ms.shandy said...

@Amy I've been considering doing sports bras lately! But it's such a short time now, maybe I'll just hold out :P

@Jenny You are right about the kids moving on. The younger ones actually already are a little more tolerant in most instances.

@Tina Pasties. Hmmmmm, errrrr no. LOL! Though really at my size that would be fine. Ha!

@Melissa Thanks! I'm not feeling proud very often, but I am feeling almost human most days now. That's a step up for me!

ms.shandy said...

@Amy I've been considering doing sports bras lately! But it's such a short time now, maybe I'll just hold out :P

@Jenny You are right about the kids moving on. The younger ones actually already are a little more tolerant in most instances.

@Tina Pasties. Hmmmmm, errrrr no. LOL! Though really at my size that would be fine. Ha!

@Melissa Thanks! I'm not feeling proud very often, but I am feeling almost human most days now. That's a step up for me!