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Today I walked into a local store. I was looking rough. I had worn makeup the day before, had not washed my face because I was staying over night with friends and went to bed late. Basically I just got up this morning, brushed my teeth, threw on my more androgynous clothes from Friday and hit the store for something me and my friends could fix quickly for lunch.
When I got to the counter with my Tostino's party pizzas, Lay's chips and Tostito's queso, the clerk gave me an odd look. My first thought was that she just thought I was weird looking. It turned out that instead she was trying to decide whether she recognized me.
"Are you Cindy's daughter?"
"Er... No, I'm Bill and Jeana Darkstar's ....." I faltered. Daughter was on the tip of my tongue and I so wanted to say it. But this is a small community and everyone mostly knows everyone. She would realize right away that to her knowledge Mom and Dad have no daughters. And if word got back that I was saying I was female already, it would push things to fast. My coming out is still a month away. I thought it through quickly before finishing my sentence. "....son."
It stung to say it. I am a woman and being recognized as my true gender is always a triumph. Especially when I'm presenting in such a natural state. It felt awful refuting her completely accurate gender assertion. The word "son" tasted bitter in my mouth.
She looked completely confused. "What?", she asked with a quiet politeness.
"I'm Bill and Jeana Darkstar's....." I trailed off, unable to speak that bitter word a second time, and still regretting the first time.
She paused and thought a long moment before saying "You look a lot like Cindy Darkstar's daughter."
I was blushing. The girl she had confused me with is a distant cousin 7 years younger than me. Pretty high praise for a mid transition transexual girl coming off of a long day of shopping and a long night of movie watching who hasn't shaved, done make up, or combed her hair in 36 hours.
She tried to apologize, and I told her it was fine. She told me that I'm pretty either way. "That's a good thing right?"
I thanked her for the compliment and we said our good byes. As I was stepping away from the counter we both said "Thank ya' much." in perfect unison. So odd because I don't think I've ever heard anyone besides me say exactly that line. 15 years ago I would have said "JINX!" LOL!
I left the store feeling extremely good about myself and with a sudden burst of energy.
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There have been so many positive signs this weekend. But the rest of the story is a bit longer and more involved. Maybe I'll get to type it all up tomorrow. Right now though, I'm just feeling incredibly blessed and very much prepared for coming out completely during the late part of next month. I've got the most amazing friends, and transition is going wonderfully. Just so many blessings and I'm trying very hard to relish it all and take none of it for granted. :)
4 comments:
May I suggest Bill & Jeana's "kid" next time? Non-committal and non-lying too. Nice to be confronted by such a nice person in that circumstance. I guess it could've gone much worse.
You are such a girl, Shan.
Better tell your cousin that she needs to shave!
Moments of pantomime are sent to cheer us.
Caroline xxx
Tostino's and Totino's, huh? The breakfast, errr lunch of champions.
I would've been as stuck as you in the same situation, and would've kicked myself in hindsight for not thinking of "kid," as Leslie suggested.
You made up some good names there. Darkstar. Sounds vaguely ominous. ;)
@Amy Darkstar seems very familiar to me. I probably stole it from some old sci-fi movie or something. :P Tostito's and Totino's. I'm health oriented in ways, but my diet is very questionable. :P
@Caroline I'm pretty thrilled that I can pass inspection after 36 hours without a shave now, at least with some people and some distances. LOL!
@Leslie Kid. Excellent suggestion! And that is true. Could have saved it right up to the last word. LOL! I've wished since then that I had realized before I started the sentence that I was going to hit a snag. "No, Bill and Jeana are my parents."
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