Sunday, May 30, 2010

Empty Days

Its a gorgeous weekend.  Warm, slight breeze, and a beautiful sky.  Mom and Dad's property looks gorgeous.  From my window I can see several species of birds.  Lots of lovely flowers are in bloom.  Besides all that,  this particular weekend happens to be a resplendent three days long.  I should be happy.  I have been so blessed in the past months.  But today I'm having a hard time keeping sight of that.

I've been slipping emotionally ever since Thursday.  A task I needed to do involved going to every classroom and working with every teacher in the building.  For the most part, I've been feeling very social lately, but for some reason my confidence was just shot last week.  Odd looks and mean comments from the high school boys usually do not mean much to me. But Thursday I was just feeling delicate, and the same treatment I get all the time just felt different.  Instead of keeping my head high and moving on, I felt the sting every glance and word, and it just kept weakening me.

By Friday, I was in a major slump.  My self esteem was shattered.  I was feeling inferior to everyone and even simple conversations made me feel scared.  My heart was racing most the day from fear and stress and I just felt so tired.

Around two I finished my room to room project and was sitting at my desk planning what to work on next when a class of kids came by.  My office is fronted with a large window. When I moved in I took the ugly metal blinds down, and the door is always open.  I like people to feel welcome to walk right in, and I like the open feeling that has.  So, the kids walk by my office, and as usual a majority turned to look inside as they passed.  Gotta see how absurd the resident tranny/queer/gay, (whatever they think I am) is looking today, of course.

Well, one boy stopped and looked me right in the eye.  Then he extended a limp wristed wave and said "Hey!" in a super squeaky high voice meant to mock mine.  I just rolled my eyes and he moved on. Inside though something just snapped.  My energy was completely gone.  I spent the next 20 minutes crying as I watched my swirly blue screensaver.

Is that how people see me? "Hey!"  That is my default greeting when I'm in a good mood. What the fuck is so funny about that?  I just wanted to be gone. 

After my eyes were dry I decided to go out to buy a little snack.  I still looked like a wreck.  The walk to the exit involved cutting across the technology lab.  As luck would have it, the high school labs were booked up and they were using our lab for some online testing.  The door is at the back of the room and I stepped in quietly, but a few kids on the back row looked up to see who had entered.  One boy got this annoying little smirk and started elbowing the girl next to him. "Look! Look! It's that guy!" he said in a tone that he intended to be a whisper, but that was far too loud to fit the definition.  

I started to just go home, but in the end I bought some Starbusrt and a grapefruit juice and went back to find some desk work.  I wasn't fit to be around people, but that didn't mean I was completely useless.

  I am, forced to present in these ill fitting clothes, intentionally passing myself off as a guy, yet trying to be myself in every regard other than attire.  A girl, in oversized men's clothes, with some male physical attributes, a touch of facial hair and a high nasal voice, working as a male.  Its no wonder I'm such a joke to these kids.  

I went home so glad that the weekend was starting.  But then after a nap and a cry, I found myself feeling trapped here.  Another place I'm not free to be myself.  Another place I'm not fully accepted.  Another place I can't be comfortable.  I find myself longing for a chance to get away to somewhere I can just be myself.  This happens a lot on my weekends at home. But usually I can look forward to getting back to work, and in my present state, thats nothing to look forward to.

I feel sub-human.


Suzi said...

Well dear, you certainly don't SOUND sub-human. Your emotional reaction is very human. The only sub-humans are those that try to build themselves up by bringing someone else down.

You keep holding your head high and return those barbs with a sincere smile of understanding and forgiveness. People often ridicule what they them you are nothing to fear. Be the very best at your job and time will take care of the rest.

I look forward to the day when you can show us some pictures of you wearing a dress to work. :)Suzi

ms.shandy said...

You made my evening Suzi. I've been trying to force myself to smile today to make myself feel better, but you made me smile sincerely.

You are right about everything, especially the response I should have given. I always have understood that I' hard for these kids to understand, and that they have their own insecurities and fears, and that I'm a pretty obvious target for someone wanting to prop up their own weak self esteem. It doesn't justify it, but it makes it easier to forgive, and not to take it personally.

Just I've been so stressed this week with all the extra social interaction and wondering what all the adults think about me - while dealing with all these insults flying around, and feeling physically inferior to literally every woman I work with - it all just overwhelmed me this time I guess.

Not to mention all the social awkwardness of my continued male presentation. Emotionally, I'm past ready to move on, but physically I'm not ready to go full time, and its getting so tedious and awkward waiting for my body to catch up.

Just thanks so much for commenting. You're a sweetheart Suzi. And you said just what I really needed to hear. I'll get myself pulled back together this weekend and go down there and get back on track. :)

Aislin said...

Shit! Actually I'm sorry to have left my other comment without seeing *this* post.

But you know this situation is gone, right? Whether for better or worse it's not gonna be the same come Labor Day. Fresh shit, probably. Less shit, maybe. Better than tired old shit, certainly. Time to fly.

NickyB (aka the CFG) said...

Sorry I missed this post until now :-(
This is very hard for you. I've been there, and sure...the clothes are ill-fitting! It just doesn't work anymore.
It's a worse phase than anything else that goes before or follows in some respects, but you'll get there!
It's hard to summon up the extra energy to get through the day, and it's like you always have to have something in reserve just to get through each day. Folks without *our* problems, simply DON'T have to do that.
So, I feel your pain, your tiredness, and your constant processing of what other people think.
Soon. It. Will. Not. Be. That. Way.
And, my god, you look fab already, so, it's gonna get a lot lot better

ms.shandy said...

Thanks Nikki. Feeling lots better today. I guess a just got stressed out and lost perspective for a while. This is temporary, as you said. Really most people are very nice to me here too. Its all going to work out, as long as I can keep myself pulled together. :P

Its really a relief to know this is basically the most awkward stage. A glimpse ahead can be pretty encouraging sometimes. Thank ya! :)

Jerica Truax said...

Hi Shandy

We sometimes have those days. It's obviously not your fault and you couldn't have done anything different. And when it comes to kids, they can just be plain cruel. *hugs*.

You should know that you are an amazingly beautiful woman though and I wish you much better days than this one.

<3 Jerica

lisalisa said...

You hold your head up high young lady!
I am in a similar place. Right in the stage where I know I need to fully transition but cant just yet. I hate the pretence now. Its doing my head in.
But you will get there and I have been told by many this is the hardest time.
Big hug.

Calie said...

Shandy, you're in transition and in a very awkward position right now. As a female, you look fab. As others have said, hold your head up, take a deep breath and enjoy your new world. The comments will stop once they see and know the real you.

Sorry my comment is so late, girl.

Calie xx

Leslie Ann said...

Geez, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you during your crisis. It's nice to be able to say that one week later, I saw no sign that this was a lingering issue for you. You were your usual bubbly perky funny self. Oh, and gorgeous.