Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Suprise

Fascinating week here.  Work was absolutely wild and I've got a lot done.  Things at home have been comparatively tranquil.  More importantly though, my perception of my situation here as suddenly changed drastically.

A bit back I posted that because of some events out of town, that I was questioning how effective my presentation was and how much people around me have guessed or heard at this point.  Since that time, there has been more local evidence that people definitely know something is up, though I'm still left with lots of questions.

Most of the evidence is trivial stuff in conversation.  Students just definitely seem to see whats happening.  More and more, lots of them seem supportive.  Many take the time to say hi every time they see me at this point, and I even get some encouraging compliments from time to time.  Last week I was at the middle school and as I was hastily making my way down the hall to a job, a girl passing the other direction reached out to offer a high five. :)

With adults, things are improving as well.  People who seemed a bit uneasy about me as my appearance started to shift seem to be finding a comfort level with me now.  Maybe they have figured it out and are dealing with it now that the mystery is solved.  Maybe the newness and shock of my unusual presentation has worn off. Really it is hard to know.  But I have noticed that certain people go out of their away to avoid using male titles and pronouns for me unnecessarily.

Last week, I did something I've wanted to do forever.  I apologized to my ex from back in my high school and college days.  We dated for three years after meeting near the end of high school, and then married.  It was all a huge mistake, and a few months later she left and we had the marriage anulled.  Since then we have not been in touch often, but at one point she called to apologize for the manner in which she left, because she was suffering with guilt.

I always felt awful about simply accepting that apology, because really it was all my fault.  I misrepresented myself on so many levels in that relationship, and there was really no chance it could have lasted.  I was the one who should have ben apologizing to her, and this week, I finally found her online and explained everything.

It turned out she already knew.  She saw me on Thanksgiving weekend in 2008, when she came to visit my parents.  At the time, I knew she expected.  After all, she did tell me that at first she thought I was my mom.  She is telling me now that she had it pretty much figured out at that point. Besides that, her mother has since mentioned to her that a relative saw me in London, KY wearing a dress.

I had always thought that I might have been recognized there, as it is one of the closer, larger towns from here and lots of us go over.  As a tech working in a crowded school, there are more people who know me, than people I know.  Besides that, I have worked here for eight years, which means lots of graduates who are out working and living all over south eastern Kentucky could probably recognize me.

Back at one point, I wrote about a cashier asking me why I was in a dress in wig (when I was actually wearing my natural hair) over in London.  One possibility on why I was read has always been that they recognized me from school, and I simply didn't remember them.  Seems likely now that is the case.

So now I finally know definitively that at least some people in my community know.  Something like that doesn't happen without causing rumors when you live in a small town. With appearance changes corroborating  the rumor, I'd say I'm pretty much out on some level.  That thought was scary at first after our conversation, but then I realized, that really that I've always wished people could know the truth, and now apparently they do.

My boss has been complimenting my work, I feel secure at my job, and more welcome in this community than ever before.  Now I'm finding out that is all happening even with people at least partially knowing my situation.  As my contract comes up for renewal two months from now, I find myself wondering what happens next, but with more curiosity than fear. :)


Melissa said...

Sometimes it can be a relief to know that the cat is out of the bag. Nothing more to hide!

Melissa XX

NickyB (aka the CFG) said...

I smiled reading this :-)
When I came out at work, about 1/2 already knew.
Some things are just too obvious.

You're doing great!

Halle said...

Wow, so much to feel good about; becoming yourself!
As Melissa says, nothing more to hide. It must be a tremendous feeling.

hugs, Halle

lisalisa said...

Great blog and one that I read with real interest. I am pretty much presenting in a feminine apperance all the time now. I dont seem to get any hassle or had any bad experiances so far. But every week I am pushing the envelope a bit further.

Its great to see that people are reacting so well to you. It must give you a lot of confidence and optimism.

caroline said...

The girl really is on her way.

How great to be able to settle things with your ex.

Caroline xxx

Marisa said...

Niiiice, as always, Ms. S! I guess Imma have to browse elsewhere for my daily dose of: 1. batshit, 2. narcissisitic 3. drama. But it's your life doll, so I won't hold you responsible for this deficiency ;)

Being only a couple of months behind you on our little trip, I've been appreciating your level-headed, concise reports.

Honestly, I'd be a "follower" were it not for the convenience of "T-Central"

Regards, considerable and fond.

ms.shandy said...

@Marisa I'm going to take level headed as a major compliment. Honestly though I just feel lucky that things are coming together as they are, and that people are so supportive. And when I start getting upset over the little things, I temper my thoughts with that. If you dig a bit farther back in my blog though, I've dished out plenty of bat shit narcissistic drama. Maybe this process has helped me mature somewhat though. LOL! Thanks for stopping by to comment! Always a pleasure to hear from someone new, and I hope your transition is going smooth.

@Ccaroline I guess I never really did some up how the rest of the conversation with my ex went. I got carried about being more out than I realized I guess. She was very nice about the whole thing, and very supportive. She lives away now, and has a diverse group of friends. She was really curious and we bounced emails back and forth a few days and probably will stay in touch. :)

@Lisa It is interesting how things work out. After I was over the initial stigma of being considered a bit of an oddity, I found my footing and I've just kept walkin'. From there, socially things have just kept getting easier all along. Hope it all keeps working out well for you!

@Nicki The evidence has just keeps mounting that I'm not really fulling anyone. But its just too good to be true, that people can know and actually like me, so I never quite make myself believe. Its starting to sink in now thought. But haven't I said that in every blog post lately just to be shocked anew days later? :P

@Melissa It is refreshing, knowing that almost certainly everyone knows or strongly expects the truth, and that I'm still feeling more comfortable and welcome than ever before.

@Halle It is just a tremendous feeling. I'm still going to hold out and take it easy on people for a while as people adjust, but once I've had my orchi, and just a little more laser, its going to be time to pick up the pace.

I'm just so excited about everything! =)