Pushing Past The Mist

Take one step at a time.
There's no need to rush.
It's like learning to fly,
or falling in love...


-Jordan Sparks


Anyone who has spent much time around me knows that planning isn't really my forte.  I have a hard time thinking beyond this week, and for the most part, anything farther ahead than that feels impossible to me, unless I'm in a really optimistic mood.

If I do take on something longer term, my plans tend to be very vague and misty.  And so it has always been with my transition.  It's hard for me to break it down into tasks, and the whole thing seems totally impossible.  It has been like a beacon shining in fog, with no way to discern the surrounding landscape.  At first it felt unreachable, but eventually I needed to get there bad enough to start taking little steps into the fog.  With each step I could see just a little farther down the path, and I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with the idea that even though I can't see exactly how to get where I am going, with each step I can see what to do next.

There is still a fear that eventually I'll hit a wall, or thicket or something. If so though, I'll at least be that much closer to where I need to be.  With enough determination I think you can find a way past any obstacle, and though planning is a weak point with me, determination is something I have.

Okay, so, beyond metaphors, what exactly am I trying to say?  When I started out, I didn't know what to do about work or family, I needed counseling, an endocrinologist, a referral, laser, electrolysis, and lots of time for hormones to work.  Then of course, the name change, document updates, the real life test, and of course, the GRS.  At first it was overwhelming but by focusing on one thing at a time, I've made a lot of progress.

The family situation has settled down.  My work situation seems stable so far.  I got a part of the counseling I need, the referral, the hormones, and have had enough time for hormones to make quite a lot of difference.  Also, the facial part of laser is going well. So far so good.  So where to next?

I'm going for more facial laser on the 30th, and I'm going to start asking about laser in a few other areas while continuing with TRIA in the places I use it currently.  On the 1st, back to counseling.  I've decided I want to get an orcheictomy now, because I'm not sure when I'l be able to afford GRS. My counselor is more familiar with the standards of care than me, so I'll be askign her how much red tape is involved.  In the mean time, I'll be researching the potential drawbacks of having an orchi well in advance of a GRS.

Also, I'll be asking her questions about the name change, and what is involved in changing the gender marker on my driver's license in Kentucky.  I know I'm quite a long way from being able to change the birth certificate, but I'm not sure what is involved with the license.

So hopefully if this goes well, I can start making progress toward an orchi, while the hormones and laser are still slowly working.  If I can schedule the orchi, then shortly afterward I intend to handle every name and gender marker I can legally change at this early point, and then come out at work.

I'm hoping it can all happen this year.  I have no idea what will happen at work, or how well things will go at home.  I may need a new place to live, or a new job or both shortly after.  But I will be on my real life test, and will not have to worry about testosterone ever again. From there, its a matter of figuring out how to take care of GRS.  The cost is daunting, and there are so many possible surgeons in so many places.

All that is still out there in the mist though.  Right now I'm just taking little steps, and handling each thing as it materializes.