So here we are. Christmas, New Years, and my birthday, all taking place within the same week; reminding me that the red sands are still slipping away. In the news? Brittany Murphy, dead 2 years younger than me. Also I'm constantly reminded that I'm behind in my race.
I'm single, childless, barren, and living with my parents. I'm working in a job that I probably can't count on once the truth about me comes out. Aside from all that, I am only now experiencing the proper sort of puberty. Society sees me as the wrong gender for the most part, including my family. I'll probably have the wrong genitalia for at least two more years.
Just thinking about it all, I feel frantic, and lonely. Several nights over the last two week I've woke from dreams that I was with a boyfriend. Always I wake feeling so lonely, and wishing I had someone. Then I remember all my physical limitations, and I know as lonely as I am, that I'm not yet physically ready to be with anyone. My body is still a work in progress.
Still, I'm thankful, just a little freaked out. I have to think in terms of my current progress.
I feel my transition is going very well. Last year at this time the UK endo clinic was still an unknown quantity. A scary place that had the power to approve my transition, or cause me lots of trouble.
Now I have met the endocrinologist multiple times. My hormone regimen is lined out and every measurement of my body has drastically changed since this time last year. When I look in the mirror, I am very happy with the rate of change. I guess I just need to keep being patient and taking things one step at a time.
Through the holidays I am taking things easy, not to stress the family. But I still keep seeing that hourglass, and I desperately need to renew the race. After Christmas, I'll hit the ground running. I'll be calling my therapist and the dermatologist who does my laser treatments. I'll also be looking at an alternative laser place, and looking for an electrologist.
In therapy, I'll be going over the standards of care and further researching the requirements for my name change, orchiectomy, and eventually, GRS.
A few weeks ago, I was working on a laptop in a classroom at work. Some of the girls were trying to strike up a conversation, asking me questions, and eventually got around to my age. I said "ancient!", and at that point they began guessing. No one guessed anything above 23. I'm not spent. There's lots of fight and fire left, and I will find my way.
7 comments:
Teenagers are notoriously poor judges of age, but you DO look younger than your years. I think the estrogen softening the harder edges helps take the years off. Looking good, babe!
"Then I remember all my physical limitations, and I know as lonely as I am, that I'm not yet physically ready to be with anyone. My body is still a work in progress."
Honey, I think many of us know THAT feelling!!
Xmas Hugs
chrissie
xxxxxx
@chrissie It's very paradoxical. Feeling so desperately lonely, yet knowing I would not be able to pursue a relationship even if the chance came. Frustrating! LOL!
@leslie Are you saying the kids are wrong and I don't look 23? You are treading very dangerous ground now. :P
I can totally relate, girl. I feel like things can't come fast enough. And when it comes to having a boyfriend, yah....I of course want someone to love me but then I remember how my body isn't yet right and how I don't even feel feminine enough yet. I've kind of set a date of June 2010 before I start making any progress in finding someone.
I wish you all the best though girl. I'm glad you started on the path, it is a long one though and we can regret not doing it sooner but we must not get caught up in what could have been. =) *hugs*
@jerica Wild! June-July 2010 are supposed to be milestone months for me too. Best of luck with everything Jerica. :) *HUG*
Okay, I'll say 27, thin ice be damnned.
Is it possible to block one commenter? Oh my word! :P
*Hug*
Merry Christmas chick! =)
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