Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Back on Saturday night, there was a power failure and I was watching The Wizard of Oz (on a TV ran by a generator). Eventually it comes to Dorothy's capture, and the hourglass full of ominous red sand, counting down to her execution. Its really like that for all of us, and this time of year, I am always unusually aware. "Like sand through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives." Only for the rest of us, Todo is not bringing lions and scarecrows and tin men to the rescue. Oh my! Not only that, but we do not even have the benefit of seeing the hourglass. We can only guess how much time we have to do what we are meant to with life.

So here we are. Christmas, New Years, and my birthday, all taking place within the same week; reminding me that the red sands are still slipping away. In the news? Brittany Murphy, dead 2 years younger than me. Also I'm constantly reminded that I'm behind in my race.

I'm single, childless, barren, and living with my parents. I'm working in a job that I probably can't count on once the truth about me comes out. Aside from all that, I am only now experiencing the proper sort of puberty. Society sees me as the wrong gender for the most part, including my family. I'll probably have the wrong genitalia for at least two more years.

Just thinking about it all, I feel frantic, and lonely. Several nights over the last two week I've woke from dreams that I was with a boyfriend. Always I wake feeling so lonely, and wishing I had someone. Then I remember all my physical limitations, and I know as lonely as I am, that I'm not yet physically ready to be with anyone. My body is still a work in progress.

Still, I'm thankful, just a little freaked out. I have to think in terms of my current progress.

I feel my transition is going very well. Last year at this time the UK endo clinic was still an unknown quantity. A scary place that had the power to approve my transition, or cause me lots of trouble.

Now I have met the endocrinologist multiple times. My hormone regimen is lined out and every measurement of my body has drastically changed since this time last year. When I look in the mirror, I am very happy with the rate of change. I guess I just need to keep being patient and taking things one step at a time.

Through the holidays I am taking things easy, not to stress the family. But I still keep seeing that hourglass, and I desperately need to renew the race. After Christmas, I'll hit the ground running. I'll be calling my therapist and the dermatologist who does my laser treatments. I'll also be looking at an alternative laser place, and looking for an electrologist.

In therapy, I'll be going over the standards of care and further researching the requirements for my name change, orchiectomy, and eventually, GRS.

A few weeks ago, I was working on a laptop in a classroom at work. Some of the girls were trying to strike up a conversation, asking me questions, and eventually got around to my age. I said "ancient!", and at that point they began guessing. No one guessed anything above 23. I'm not spent. There's lots of fight and fire left, and I will find my way.


Leslie Ann said...

Teenagers are notoriously poor judges of age, but you DO look younger than your years. I think the estrogen softening the harder edges helps take the years off. Looking good, babe!

chrissie said...

"Then I remember all my physical limitations, and I know as lonely as I am, that I'm not yet physically ready to be with anyone. My body is still a work in progress."

Honey, I think many of us know THAT feelling!!

Xmas Hugs

ms.shandy said...

@chrissie It's very paradoxical. Feeling so desperately lonely, yet knowing I would not be able to pursue a relationship even if the chance came. Frustrating! LOL!

@leslie Are you saying the kids are wrong and I don't look 23? You are treading very dangerous ground now. :P

Jerica said...

I can totally relate, girl. I feel like things can't come fast enough. And when it comes to having a boyfriend, yah....I of course want someone to love me but then I remember how my body isn't yet right and how I don't even feel feminine enough yet. I've kind of set a date of June 2010 before I start making any progress in finding someone.

I wish you all the best though girl. I'm glad you started on the path, it is a long one though and we can regret not doing it sooner but we must not get caught up in what could have been. =) *hugs*

ms.shandy said...

@jerica Wild! June-July 2010 are supposed to be milestone months for me too. Best of luck with everything Jerica. :) *HUG*

Leslie Ann said...

Okay, I'll say 27, thin ice be damnned.

ms.shandy said...

Is it possible to block one commenter? Oh my word! :P


Merry Christmas chick! =)