Pushing Past The Mist

Take one step at a time.
There's no need to rush.
It's like learning to fly,
or falling in love...


-Jordan Sparks


Anyone who has spent much time around me knows that planning isn't really my forte.  I have a hard time thinking beyond this week, and for the most part, anything farther ahead than that feels impossible to me, unless I'm in a really optimistic mood.

If I do take on something longer term, my plans tend to be very vague and misty.  And so it has always been with my transition.  It's hard for me to break it down into tasks, and the whole thing seems totally impossible.  It has been like a beacon shining in fog, with no way to discern the surrounding landscape.  At first it felt unreachable, but eventually I needed to get there bad enough to start taking little steps into the fog.  With each step I could see just a little farther down the path, and I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with the idea that even though I can't see exactly how to get where I am going, with each step I can see what to do next.

There is still a fear that eventually I'll hit a wall, or thicket or something. If so though, I'll at least be that much closer to where I need to be.  With enough determination I think you can find a way past any obstacle, and though planning is a weak point with me, determination is something I have.

Okay, so, beyond metaphors, what exactly am I trying to say?  When I started out, I didn't know what to do about work or family, I needed counseling, an endocrinologist, a referral, laser, electrolysis, and lots of time for hormones to work.  Then of course, the name change, document updates, the real life test, and of course, the GRS.  At first it was overwhelming but by focusing on one thing at a time, I've made a lot of progress.

The family situation has settled down.  My work situation seems stable so far.  I got a part of the counseling I need, the referral, the hormones, and have had enough time for hormones to make quite a lot of difference.  Also, the facial part of laser is going well. So far so good.  So where to next?

I'm going for more facial laser on the 30th, and I'm going to start asking about laser in a few other areas while continuing with TRIA in the places I use it currently.  On the 1st, back to counseling.  I've decided I want to get an orcheictomy now, because I'm not sure when I'l be able to afford GRS. My counselor is more familiar with the standards of care than me, so I'll be askign her how much red tape is involved.  In the mean time, I'll be researching the potential drawbacks of having an orchi well in advance of a GRS.

Also, I'll be asking her questions about the name change, and what is involved in changing the gender marker on my driver's license in Kentucky.  I know I'm quite a long way from being able to change the birth certificate, but I'm not sure what is involved with the license.

So hopefully if this goes well, I can start making progress toward an orchi, while the hormones and laser are still slowly working.  If I can schedule the orchi, then shortly afterward I intend to handle every name and gender marker I can legally change at this early point, and then come out at work.

I'm hoping it can all happen this year.  I have no idea what will happen at work, or how well things will go at home.  I may need a new place to live, or a new job or both shortly after.  But I will be on my real life test, and will not have to worry about testosterone ever again. From there, its a matter of figuring out how to take care of GRS.  The cost is daunting, and there are so many possible surgeons in so many places.

All that is still out there in the mist though.  Right now I'm just taking little steps, and handling each thing as it materializes.

Hairistics

Well, here we are, its that time again. Today is 10 days after laser and I expect major shedding to start tomorrow!  While I was sitting around plucking at the remaining hair, trying to decide what was going to shed, and what I was stuck with another 5 weeks.  There is some coming back in that I thought until now I was permanently rid of. And it doesn't look like problem areas are going to get a full shed this time.  I am very happy with my overall progress, but on facial hair, I'm a bit concerned.  I think its time to start giving electrolysis a very, very serious look.

I have two more appointments left facially, and then I might do a few more laser appointments for other areas I can't handily reach with a TRIA home laser.  But on my face, it will be electrolysis from there in, unless something really impressive suddenly starts happening with laser.

Still, what laser has been able to get, it has handled efficiently.  THe way I used to be, it would have taken years and years of electrolysis. There was just too much hair.  Now, its down to amounts an electrologist can manage.  Assuming of course, that it doesn't all come back.  That's a scary possibility too.

Guess we'll see!

Revisiting A Very,Very Tired Conversation LOL

Picture if you will, a courtyard. An ocean of violets in bloom.  The animals strike curious poses.....  Oops, wrong scenario.

Okay, lets try again.

Picture if you will, a theatre.  A tranny is in the men's room.  Four teenage thugs strike curious poses.  They feel that she, that she is in the wrong room.

Oops, I'm sorry. My sense of humor can be a little quirky.  For those who missed it, the lyrics are a Prince reference.  Er, the top set.  The spoof version, I take full responsibility for, so throw the tomatoes this direction.  I love 'em!   I think a Prince song just popped into my head because this story happens to hinge around androgyny. :P

Alright, and now on to the story. Seriously!

A few weekends back, I was in London, Kentucky with friends.  While we were out shopping around, we decided to go catch a movie.  Eventually everyone settled on "She's Out Of My League", and after the tickets were purchased we made our way to the refreshments counter.

I was pretty close to home, due for laser, and traveling light.  So I had elected to go as a guy.  It was very obvious that my presentation was suspicious at best.  I had received lots of odd looks at a Cracker Barrel restaurant earlier that day, and had been addressed "ladies" by the waitress.  That sort of thing is great for my confidence, because my goal in guy mode is really not to pass fully, but rather to get by.

Inside the theatre, I was getting tons of weird looks, which I really didn't mind.  No one seemed threatening.  Then something happened that made me think.

I went t the restroom about half way through the movie.  All the shows had started within a few minutes of each other, and were all right in the middle of their run time.  The lobby was mostly desserted, but there were employees around and it  felt pretty safe.

As I have done all my life, I stepped into the men's room in men's clothes, without any consideration.  As I rounded the corner inside, I was shocked by the sight of four rough looking teen guys.  One was pointing a small knife in the direction of another, and one had his head in the sink.

As they noticed me round the corner, the knife quickly disappeared into a pocket and one of the guys began shaking the one with his head in the sink to get up.  The other two were both looking at me like I shouldn't be there. One of them opened his mouth to speak, but then stood quietly, still looking in my direction.

My heart was racing.  This situation didn't feel safe. These were just kids, but they looked like absolute thugs.  The knife was probably just out to carve something into a wall or something, but still they were staring at me, and they had a weapon somewhere.  At least it was a good sign that they had put it away.

I had an option at this point. Turn and walk out, or walk past to get to a stall.  I felt myself wanting to back up to the door and leave.  For some reason though, after a moment I found myself walking past as they observed me curiously.  I was still terrified, but trying hard to look like I belonged there.

As I closed the stall door, they all began to laugh and someone said "That dude looked like a girl!"  My fear started to subside.  I've seen kids offended by my appearance, and I've seen kids who simply think I'm a big joke.  These kids didn't show any signs of that fear driven transphobic hatred, but instead an amused curiosity.  I tried to hold on to that thought as I sat protected only by four thin metal walls and a puny bathroom stall latch.

Everything went quiet, and I waited to step out.  First I glanced around the floor through the gap around the bottom of the stall wall.  There was no sign of them, so I quickly made my way back to the lobby.

The rest of night went a lot better but this experience left me with lots of questions.  What if those guys had been the sort who would react violently to someone like me?  They could have chosen to kill me as quickly as they chose to put the knife away.   They were pretty sure the restroom was safely deserted or they would not have picked it as a hangout probably.

On the bathroom question, I have always thought it is simple.  If you are presenting male, with any degree of success, I figured you should be in the men's room.  If you are presenting female, and people are accepting that in their interactions, you should be going to the women's room.  They were simple rules, but have served me well until now.

But what happens, when you are at a point where you can't always present as female, yet can't pass consistently as a male?  I think right now, depending on distances, angles, and variables that shift from day to day, I can be perceived as anything from a very effiminite male, to an obvious transexual, to a tall woman with strange fashion sense.

I guess the obvious answer would be to go full time if I can't consistently pass as male.  But with my employment situation as it is, that has major financial risks.  Especially before I finish laser, I consider it a bad idea.

I suppose really all I can do for now is do guy mode in unfamiliar places only when it's necessary, be mindful of how my presentation is working on any given day, and just be careful of the possible consequences.

I'm looking forward to a day when I don't have to worry about it anymore.