Thursday, December 16, 2010

Star Crossed

Warning! This post is very sappy.

A few weekends ago, I was at a gathering.  I had arrived on time ,which is odd for me, and things were going well.  I was catching up with friends, having a good time.  I felt confident, happy, and very much in control.  I'm well into my transition.  The remainder of the immediately possible steps are laid out nicely.  I have wonderful friends.  I was content, but I was about to be reminded of the one thing missing in my life.  The one thing I wasn't allowing myself to think about, because I considered it out of reach and complicated, was about to suddenly become the center of my thoughts.

As I was sitting contentedly chatting a friend, the door opened to admit the most strikingly beautiful creature I have ever seen.  She was so unusually beautiful that she caught my attention immediately and my first thoughts were of jealousy and comparison.  I can be catty sometimes.  :P

Then, as she scanned the room our eyes locked briefly, we each smiled, and something amazing happened.  I was instantly captivated.  For the remainder of the gathering I couldn't get her out of my mind.  I never approached her and instead kept my original seat.  I never made eye contact again.  But I was just constantly aware of her presence - wondering if she noticed me and what I looked like from her angle of observation and silly things.  I really wished I could talk to her but I wasn't sure how, and I wouldn't want her to figure out I was interested in her. If it turned out not to be mutual that would be just far to embarrassing.

Eventually as she was circulating around the room she approached me and a few friends, and we finally got to chat.  We were standing face to face, and at this range she was even more beautiful than ever.  Her eyes were so blue and brilliant.  Her smile was breathtaking.  Her voice was soft and quiet, with a touch of huskiness.  I could have listened all day. I had this urge to reach up and brush her cheek with my fingers, and found myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss her lips.  

As we talked it turned out we had quite a lot in common.  We both work in technology, and our skill sets overlap somewhat.  We are both kind of dorky and have some common interests.  I felt shy talking to her.  I rarely waste much energy thinking about things romantic, and my sudden interest in this girl had taken me completely off guard.  I had no idea how to act.  She seemed a bit shy as well and little things about our communication seemed to hint that she might be interested in me too.

One thing I worried about was her age.  She looked to young for me.  At  one point the subject of age came up and upon reporting my age she seemed highly surprised and said she would have guessed another age; an age thirteen years younger than my real age.  I asked her age and it turned out we were only five years apart, rather than twelve to thirteen years I would have guessed.  I was so relieved that I just stared into her eyes smiling for a moment.  She was smiling back.

At the end of the night we were among the last to leave, and we parted with a brief hug.  Nothing romantic,;just the same friendly hug I would have given any friend.  But I found myself wishing so much I could hold her tighter or kiss her good night.  I walked to my car without looking back, and have scarcely thought of anything but her since.  

Part 2 Later  :P


Dani said...

I don't think that what you said in your post is sappy at all, I think it's sweet and romantic, I can hardly wait for part two! :-D

Dani xxx

Anonymous said...

Okay, I feel like I just visited the Maple Syrup farm! ROFL Or not, ;)

a) You don't look your age because you're a girl!

b) You think you're older because you hang out with all of us 40 year olds plus. (The old girl club. ;P)

Hope to see you both this weekend.

Two Auntees said...

I hope you got each others phone numbers at least. Girl, what were you thinking; seriously, I hope you can find each other again and talk!!!

Jerica Truax said...

Oh my gosh girl that's amazing. And props to you for the way you described the whole encounter. Practically brought tears to my eyes. I felt what you felt. I hope things continue for you =)

<3 Jerica

Amy K. said...

For some reason, I thought you like men only. Anyway...

Oh my God, how exciting!!! This isn't sappy at all. It's sooo romantic! Wow! I hope you meet her again. I hope you get together and that you write about her all the time on this blog. I don't want to cause you to get your hopes up prematurely (anymore than they might already be, that is), but wow am I rooting for you. Go, girl! Go!!! :)

ms.shandy said...

@Amy My sexuality is complicated, and I've tended to shy away from presenting the whole picture here, or anywhere. I've had potential to be attracted to men or women, but the times I have fallen the hardest, the object of my affection has always been a girl.

The last couple of years I decided that if I ever did start dating I would limit myself to choosing a man. The reasons are mostly vain, stupid, and ridiculously practical, but thats a story for another time. Now I know who I need, and all the reasons I thought I needed a man don't matter at all.

This is a really deep, special kind of love and I don't care what people think locally anymore. I feel like I am finally being fully honest with myself, and its a very healthy, nice feeling. It's going to make me harder to accept for some people where I live, but it doesn't feel important anymore.

I've been telling people I was straight for ages, and my friends have been joking about me being bi just as long. And now they will get to say "I told you so." An so ends a fairly epic running gag. They'll have to find something else to tease me about now. LOL!

Amy K. said...

That's great how you no longer care what people think. If there's one thing that being a transsexual teaches you, it's to be yourself no matter what anyone else says or thinks. That simple freedom is just worth so much.

I don't want the guy lovers reading this to be offended, but there's something special that's shared between two women in love. As you found out once starting HRT, women just feel so much more. A man may love you just as much, but doesn't feel that all the time, even if he knows how to express that love fully. My love with and for Nikki is so deep, so profound. I was in many long term relationships before this, and I tell you now... this deep of a love would have never been possible. The girl I was with may have felt it, but I was shut off from so many of the emotions that I can feel now. True, there can be drama galore, but if you really respect each other and just "get" each other, it doesn't happen that often. It's like Mount Vesuvius when it does, so be careful out there, ha ha!

I do hope you meet her again. Maybe if there's another meeting like the one you met her at?

Hugs! :)

Karv said...

Eagerly awaiting Part 2...

ms.shandy said...

Thanks everyone! I'm getting to part 2 soon!