Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Change

I'm so far behind on writing.  There are lots of positive things going on right now and it's become difficult to document.  For one thing, I'm just so happy and excited that I can't slow down my thoughts enough to convert them to words.  And for another,  there are so many things I could write about I don't know where to begin.  It's like all the pieces are falling into place right now.  I really need to write the rest of Star Crossed, but today I am taking a break and writing about general transition stuff instead.  It's just a quick update to document some transition related things while they are still current.

My birthday is tomorrow.  That was my deadline for going full time.  Am I on target?  Actually yes, I think.    Christmas weekend I was on my way out of town.  (Where doesn't matter and gives away another story I need to write separately. :P)  I made two stops here before I got underway.  The pharmacy, and the gas station for a Red Bull to keep me alert.  I was wearing horizontally striped grey tights, a black and grey empire waisted dress, a pea coat, and carrying a trendy little purse.  Both places were completely fine with me and other customers barely gave me a second glance.  Both clerks knew me, but seemed unsurprised and were cordial.

Since then I have made several trips into town dressed more casually, but not androgynously by any standard.  People have been using correct pronouns and have been very nice at the local restaurants and pharmacies.  

Last week I baked Christmas cookies with my awesome friends Jack and Diane.  We were at my Granny's house and I wore a black low heeled boots, gender appropriate jeans, a lavender tank and a hoodie in a very girly cut.  Full make up, natural curls and a silver bracelet rounded out the look.  Mom came up for lunch and didn't mention my mode of dress.

Since then she has seen me coming and going from the house dressing as I choose.  The day I came home wearing a pea coat, 3 inch heeled boots, jeans and a dressier top, I went straight to my room and came back out in a tank and jeans.  She didn't mention it, but she looked like she had been crying as I changed clothes.  It makes me sad that this is hard for her, but I'm very happy that she has chosen not to confront me.

My brother was in around Christmas as well.  I had written him about my transition in advance and was worried about the visit.  Things went well though.  He felt a little distant, but he seemed comfortable.  Things were much as they have always been between us, despite my change in appearance and it was very nice having him visit.

I've been a little pre-occupied lately and I've gotten off schedule as a result. I've not completed the work communications I intended to send before winter break.  I'll probably still send some form of communication to coincide with the end of winter break.  I still consider myself on schedule though, and I will be full time after tomorrow.

Monday I filed my name change petition.   It was all fairly comfortable, despite a degree of nervousness.  The Kentucky name change petition form is available online as a fillable .pdf file.  I completed it, took it to the courthouse, asked around about the right department and they processed it and set my court date.  January 4, 9:30 AM.  Reason for request to change name?  I simply typed "Transexual-Requesting name change in accordance with gender."  Everyone was very professional about the filing of the petition.

I always imagined this would be scary.  This was it.  The big move.  I had done the one thing that takes my transitioning status completely out of the realm of rumor and makes it a matter of written public record.  This is bridge burning on a grand scale and I always thought that watching the flames, there would be fear. How will my family respond to my fully coming out?  How will things go at work? How will this community respond?  Despite all those unanswered questions I didn't feel at all afraid.  I left with a deep contentment; a satisfaction that things are under way.

I'm sure there will be challenges in 2011, but there is this sense that everything is coming together for me.  Between the new social aspects of my transition and other recent shifts in my life, I'm feeling happier and emotionally healthier than I ever have.   =)

11 comments:

Suzi said...

Awesome Shandy...just AWESOME. I'm so happy for you. I think Mom will eventually get used to your change. Her natural mothering instincts and her unconditional love will take over when she sees how much happier you are. We love reading good news like this...keep us informed :)Suzi

Caroline said...

You have gradually changed before our eyes this year and there is no mistaking who you are. The calmness making the changes like name and telling the world are still a fairly recent memory for me and the strongest memory is the calmness with which I did something which I knew to be so right. It is marvellous to see you feeling the same way.

If anyone is going to have a happy new year I think it will be you.

Caroline xxx

Caroline said...

Just past midnight here so Happy Birthday Shandy.

Caroline XXX

ms.shandy said...

Thanks Caroline! You're cheating me out of my last last evening of being 34, but that's okay. :) phew, 4 hours and it will my birthday on this side of the Atlantic too.

The calm is such an interesting development. I never expected to be this relaxed at this point. But yes , this is healthy for me and there's a comfort that comes with that.

@suzi Thanks hon! I believe you are right about mom. We'll be fine in time.

Rebecca said...

It's wonderful to see you so happy and to hear about how everything is falling into place for you. I think 2011 is going to be a great year for you! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Hope you have a wonderful day with someone special!

Melissa said...

OK, I'm a few hours early, but I'm going to wish you Happy Birthday anyway!

Your progress over the last year or so, has been an absolute joy to witness! I'm so glad it's finally all coming together for you. You are a doll sweetie! You will have no trouble at all going fulltime. What a wonderful New Year this is gong to be for you!

I think your Mom may have been crying, because she was mourning the death of her boy. Soon she will realize what a wonderful daughter you are.

Big hug!
Melissa XX

Stace said...

Happy birthday! You sound a lot more relaxed than I'm going to be with my 35th in July! ;p

Stace

Leslie Ann said...

Happy Birthday, Shannon, the happiest ever, I'm sure. I've been so lucky to witness some of your progress in person. I knew you could make it the first time I saw you. Such determination!

I'm elated for you, girl. Now go out there and grab the world by the tail.

Love ya,
Leslie

Jerica Truax said...

Yay I'm so happy for you girl! =) You've been in this in-between stage for so long and now it seems like it's only natural for you to know what you need to do to fit in perfectly....like second nature.

I'm sorry about your mom but it does seem to be a healthy way of processing it...crying.

As for the name change. January 5th 2010 was MINE! So close! hehehe. Talk about a new year =) I see good things happening :)

*hugs*

<3 Jerica

Syl said...

Wow! Dittos to all of the above. And Happy Birthday too. I'm so excited for you.

But do beware, there're bumps in the past, there'll be bumps in the future too. But I think you can handle them. Full steam ahead, girl!

Syl

Amy K. said...

I don't know if I ever mentioned this in any blog post, but my reason for changing my name...? I put "I don't like my name." Hey, it was absolutely true! ;)

Happy Birthday to you, Shandy! Here's looking forward to another year for you, with each one better than the one before it. Oh yes, and please give all of us the update on the "Star Crossed" entry. I've been on the edge of my seat for so long that I'm beginning to get back pains!

*hugs* :)