Change

I'm so far behind on writing.  There are lots of positive things going on right now and it's become difficult to document.  For one thing, I'm just so happy and excited that I can't slow down my thoughts enough to convert them to words.  And for another,  there are so many things I could write about I don't know where to begin.  It's like all the pieces are falling into place right now.  I really need to write the rest of Star Crossed, but today I am taking a break and writing about general transition stuff instead.  It's just a quick update to document some transition related things while they are still current.

My birthday is tomorrow.  That was my deadline for going full time.  Am I on target?  Actually yes, I think.    Christmas weekend I was on my way out of town.  (Where doesn't matter and gives away another story I need to write separately. :P)  I made two stops here before I got underway.  The pharmacy, and the gas station for a Red Bull to keep me alert.  I was wearing horizontally striped grey tights, a black and grey empire waisted dress, a pea coat, and carrying a trendy little purse.  Both places were completely fine with me and other customers barely gave me a second glance.  Both clerks knew me, but seemed unsurprised and were cordial.

Since then I have made several trips into town dressed more casually, but not androgynously by any standard.  People have been using correct pronouns and have been very nice at the local restaurants and pharmacies.  

Last week I baked Christmas cookies with my awesome friends Jack and Diane.  We were at my Granny's house and I wore a black low heeled boots, gender appropriate jeans, a lavender tank and a hoodie in a very girly cut.  Full make up, natural curls and a silver bracelet rounded out the look.  Mom came up for lunch and didn't mention my mode of dress.

Since then she has seen me coming and going from the house dressing as I choose.  The day I came home wearing a pea coat, 3 inch heeled boots, jeans and a dressier top, I went straight to my room and came back out in a tank and jeans.  She didn't mention it, but she looked like she had been crying as I changed clothes.  It makes me sad that this is hard for her, but I'm very happy that she has chosen not to confront me.

My brother was in around Christmas as well.  I had written him about my transition in advance and was worried about the visit.  Things went well though.  He felt a little distant, but he seemed comfortable.  Things were much as they have always been between us, despite my change in appearance and it was very nice having him visit.

I've been a little pre-occupied lately and I've gotten off schedule as a result. I've not completed the work communications I intended to send before winter break.  I'll probably still send some form of communication to coincide with the end of winter break.  I still consider myself on schedule though, and I will be full time after tomorrow.

Monday I filed my name change petition.   It was all fairly comfortable, despite a degree of nervousness.  The Kentucky name change petition form is available online as a fillable .pdf file.  I completed it, took it to the courthouse, asked around about the right department and they processed it and set my court date.  January 4, 9:30 AM.  Reason for request to change name?  I simply typed "Transexual-Requesting name change in accordance with gender."  Everyone was very professional about the filing of the petition.

I always imagined this would be scary.  This was it.  The big move.  I had done the one thing that takes my transitioning status completely out of the realm of rumor and makes it a matter of written public record.  This is bridge burning on a grand scale and I always thought that watching the flames, there would be fear. How will my family respond to my fully coming out?  How will things go at work? How will this community respond?  Despite all those unanswered questions I didn't feel at all afraid.  I left with a deep contentment; a satisfaction that things are under way.

I'm sure there will be challenges in 2011, but there is this sense that everything is coming together for me.  Between the new social aspects of my transition and other recent shifts in my life, I'm feeling happier and emotionally healthier than I ever have.   =)

Star Crossed

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Warning! This post is very sappy.

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A few weekends ago, I was at a gathering.  I had arrived on time ,which is odd for me, and things were going well.  I was catching up with friends, having a good time.  I felt confident, happy, and very much in control.  I'm well into my transition.  The remainder of the immediately possible steps are laid out nicely.  I have wonderful friends.  I was content, but I was about to be reminded of the one thing missing in my life.  The one thing I wasn't allowing myself to think about, because I considered it out of reach and complicated, was about to suddenly become the center of my thoughts.

As I was sitting contentedly chatting a friend, the door opened to admit the most strikingly beautiful creature I have ever seen.  She was so unusually beautiful that she caught my attention immediately and my first thoughts were of jealousy and comparison.  I can be catty sometimes.  :P

Then, as she scanned the room our eyes locked briefly, we each smiled, and something amazing happened.  I was instantly captivated.  For the remainder of the gathering I couldn't get her out of my mind.  I never approached her and instead kept my original seat.  I never made eye contact again.  But I was just constantly aware of her presence - wondering if she noticed me and what I looked like from her angle of observation and silly things.  I really wished I could talk to her but I wasn't sure how, and I wouldn't want her to figure out I was interested in her. If it turned out not to be mutual that would be just far to embarrassing.

Eventually as she was circulating around the room she approached me and a few friends, and we finally got to chat.  We were standing face to face, and at this range she was even more beautiful than ever.  Her eyes were so blue and brilliant.  Her smile was breathtaking.  Her voice was soft and quiet, with a touch of huskiness.  I could have listened all day. I had this urge to reach up and brush her cheek with my fingers, and found myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss her lips.  

As we talked it turned out we had quite a lot in common.  We both work in technology, and our skill sets overlap somewhat.  We are both kind of dorky and have some common interests.  I felt shy talking to her.  I rarely waste much energy thinking about things romantic, and my sudden interest in this girl had taken me completely off guard.  I had no idea how to act.  She seemed a bit shy as well and little things about our communication seemed to hint that she might be interested in me too.

One thing I worried about was her age.  She looked to young for me.  At  one point the subject of age came up and upon reporting my age she seemed highly surprised and said she would have guessed another age; an age thirteen years younger than my real age.  I asked her age and it turned out we were only five years apart, rather than twelve to thirteen years I would have guessed.  I was so relieved that I just stared into her eyes smiling for a moment.  She was smiling back.

At the end of the night we were among the last to leave, and we parted with a brief hug.  Nothing romantic,;just the same friendly hug I would have given any friend.  But I found myself wishing so much I could hold her tighter or kiss her good night.  I walked to my car without looking back, and have scarcely thought of anything but her since.  

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Part 2 Later  :P

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Prelude

Its been a quiet few days on the blog, but there is lots happening with me right now.  In fact, I think something happened Saturday that will effect the rest of my life in amazing ways, and every day since has been charged with positive emotion.  I can't write just yet because there isn't enough time for a few days, but after this weekend I hope to be able to share my news.

Keep an eye on the blog roll, and I'm sorry I've been so distracted. :)

Monster

Today after work I wanted a snack.  Now a year on spironolactone, I have become accustomed to the sudden salt cravings that take me at strange times.  It is nothing that a bag of barbecued pork rinds and a V-8 can't settle in a few moments.  With that in mind I took a detour on my drive home and stopped at a gas station in my quiet little town.

It is a typical country store with a modern cookie cutter twist.  Tobacco advertisements line the walls behind counter,  along with assorted odds and ends for sale.   Encased in glass on the counter a row of rottiserie chicken and other greasy edibles bask in the glow of a heat lamp.  On the shelves the selection is much like any other fuel stop in the United States and the building is a very typical gas station type structure; the kind that even if you tore out the pumps and left it standing derelict for a century, you would still be able to tell it was originally a gas station.  This one generally has a very down home feel even though I have never known exactly why.  Maybe it is just that it is never quite completely clean and there is a well worn feel to the place.  Maybe it is that the staff is almost always incredibly nice.

Today there was a bit of a line and I didn't know the clerk.  I was feeling ill at ease and wished things would hurry along. It had been a long day that ended with hanging a very heavy projector mount in a drop ceiling.  My makeup was worn out, my hair was frazzled and the red crew neck I wore over a long sleeved green thermal showed traces of the dust I had hastily brushed away before entering.

While I was standing there waiting my turn to check out I noticed the guy behind me was incredibly close.  If he had been any closer I could have probably felt his breath down my neck.  I suppressed a giggle.  Obviously he had no idea who I was.  Most men would never violate my personal space in this town for fear of me, or if not that then fear of being seen that close to me.

Maybe I wasn't looking terrible after all I thought to myself.  Still I was aware of the dust, the tousled hair, and the fact that I had ceased shaving yesterday in preparation for more electrolysis on Saturday.  The insecurity mounted.  Then I looked outside through the window and a reflection caught my eye.   Suddenly my insecurities seemed well founded.  Behind me and the guy standing so close was a short lady a bit older than me.  She was leaning out of the line and craning her head in my general direction.  I knew immediately she was looking at me.  In hind sight I am not so sure, but at the moment I was sure she was trying to get a glimpse of the infamous local tranny.

At the counter the clerk took his time checking out the two people ahead of me.  "Have a good evening ma'am."  "Have a good evening sir."  He was tall and lean.  Probably fifteen years older than me, with a slow drawl and a friendly manner.  I stepped to the counter and his manner completely changed.  Without a word he scanned my items.  Beside me the man who had been immediately behind me had suddenly seen fit to give me lots more space once he had seen me in profile.   I had laid  a five on the counter and the clerk didn't bother to mention a price.  Instead he quietly slipped the five off of the counter and never met my eyes until he handed me my change.

For that second that he was looking at me I decided I wanted to at least try to come across as friendly and non-threatening so I smiled.  For the effort I got a hesitant thank you.  I told him to have a good evening and headed for the door.  As I touched the door the awkward silence broke.  "Haven't seen you in a while!"  the clerk said to the man in line behind me.

I walked to the car quietly contemplating the nature of my local infamy.