The Partial Answers To My Paranoid Questions

~*~*~*~*~*~
Just dropping in a clarification here.  When I wrote up the last blog, I forgot that outside the United States a "truck" means a really big truck.  Some comments referred to a trucker, and Mandy mentioned one as well in an email and it reminded me!  Here, what is called a baki or a pick up in the rest of the world passes as a truck.  The "truck" in question was just a full size pickup.  For the record. :P
~*~*~*~*~*~

My presentation and physical appearance has shifted a lot this year.  The fact that its all possible, I haven't lost my job as a result, and that most people in my community still treat me well feels nothing short of miraculous.  Sometimes its almost to hard to believe.  In part due to that disbelief, my lifelong inferiority and insecurities are still there, festering beneath he confidence that has grown as I've begun to assert myself and open up to the world.

At one point my insecurities literally ruled my existence.  Now weaker, they do not rule my life, but the insecurities to exert their own subtle influence.  Like, the baby I was afraid to talk to the other day, because I assumed the grandmother viewed me as some kind of weirdo.  I've just always felt inferior, and like my presence is burdensome, and though those feelings are weakening, they still surface at odd times.

Mostly though, it just takes the form of questions whispering through my mind when I'm in the presence of other people.  What do they think I am?  Do they hate me? Are they disgusted by me?  Do I look like a girl? Do I look like a guy?  Do I look like a joke?

I've had lots of encouragement lately.  All my friends tell me I look okay, and not at all male.  There are signs that lots of people here support me,and fairly neutral reactions from most, but the questions are still there.

Monday I got a text message from a friend.  He had overheard a conversation about me.  Basically he said that the consensus in this group was that I was turning out to be a very pretty woman.  He said no one was laughing or joking, and basically that the tone was light and conversational.

My friend has a lot going on right now, and I'm touched that he took the time to write it up.  He knew I wondered where I stand with the people around me at this point and realized this conversation would be a comfort to me.

The opinions of normal people talking privately without any reason to sugarcoat anything.  From the things he mentioned, it seems common knowledge that I am transitioning, the physical changes were evident to the people in this conversation, and at least this particular group seemed to have no problem with what I am doing.  All very reassuring! =)

If AT&T had delivered that message Monday instead of Thursday, maybe I would have felt less stressed all week. But that's okay.  I had quite possibly my last laser appointment Friday and I'm looking a bit rough.  I can use all the extra confidence I can find this week so the message is very timely.

If things continue as they are, September will be the month of my name change and officially coming out at work.  I anticipate very little trouble with the process now.  Everyone already knows, and I'm mostly already presenting right.  As I said in an earlier post, this really amounts now to a change of pronouns and shoes. On top of that, apparently it is a change people are already expecting.  It's still going to be scary, but nothing like I used to imagine.

I think I am more proud of this community than I have ever felt in my life.  So many people have been so sweet and supportive.  Some subtly so, and others more direct.  Here I am in the middle of a highly controversial process that mostly people haven't had a reason to think about here.   But for the most part they have made me feel at home.  (With the exception of a few certain students.)

I'm just feeling so happy and grateful to everyone right now. :)