Friday, July 17, 2009

An awkward moment from an awkward life.

Seems I've used the word awkward often lately. And I suppose its because it is so often fitting in my current situation. I want to live as the woman I know I am, but my body is not yet ready. My situation requires I keep the male act up, but my brain is racing ahead and the act is breaking down. WIth my head in the clouds, my pride demanding that people see me as female, my situation dictating that I play at being male, and my body caught hopelessly in between, it is a confusing time. And, yes, an awkward time.

Like for instance, on vacation, my family pulled into an RV park along the way. It had been a long day with 10 hours cramped up in a truck for a cross country drive. As soon as the wheels stopped turning I hopped out to stretch my legs, so happy for a chance to move around. Mom also hopped out immediately, but went into the camper. The men stayed in the truck to get everything parked just right, so we could have level living quarters for the night. So, it was only me outside.

I was standing there with my blue and gold macaw parrot, Kupo, on my shoulder, surveying the scene. It wasn't crowded, but just a few sites away we did have neighbors. 3 identical trailers, and 3 matching white trucks with the logo of a communication company on the side of each. Apparently the company was using RVs to house workers for a setup job somewhere in the area.

At one of the trucks was a man. Even at a distance, he was obviously striking. Tall, lean and muscular, with sandy blonde hair and a rugged face. He was pacing around in worn jeans and a tee, talking on a cell phone. I found myself desperately wanting him to notice me. In my situation, that is unbelievably stupid, but all I really wanted was just a look from him.

As always I was wearing one loose, thin, knit tee, an oversized button up shirt over top, and giant jeans. Its a garb that you could obscure practically any body shape under, assuming it is worn correctly. But I found myself stretching, with my back arched, hands gathering the fabric of the layered shirts at the small of my back and around the waist to reveal a little shape. There was a little distance between us, and I just wanted a glance. I wanted to feel like I was worth a glance, not like I was some weird scarecrow looking boy.

He looked over for jsut a second, but we never made eye contact or anything. Then he says loudly on his phone. "This lady here has a huge parrot! You should see it, its just sitting on her shoulder chillin'." Or something like that. I felt so proud. I think I remember blushing. I sat down on the picnic table at our camp site for a moment, no longer looking in the direction of our neighbor, then I heard someone approaching, and turned to see he was coming toward me.

For a moment I was terrified. What would happen when he got here and noticed at closer range that he was definitely not looking at a genetic girl, but rather, someone he would perceive as a scrawny looking boy in baggy clothes. I was feeling very tense. But then he was there.

Up close, he was even more handsome. So rugged, with tribal style tattoos, a hard body and chiseled face. But it was pointless to think about him romantically, sitting there in boy mode. I just smiled, and greeted him as he approached. He might have been a little surprised when he got close enough to figure it out, but if so he covered well. He was completely polite and we talked about Kupo for a moment, then he went back to his own site.

There was some laughter from the worker's trailers a few minutes later. I suppose I will never know whether it was in response to an anecdote about a crazy parrot carrying girl who turned out to be a strange bearded, apparently male, creature. Probably not, but who knows?

In a word? Yes! Awkward!


chrissie said...


Yes. And that's the way of it.

I can't even pretend to be male anymore. Was at a birthday bash with the father-in-law and his wife, and the mother-in-law, and Elaine's brother and his wife.

Couldn't pretend. Didn't even try. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law already know about me anyway.

Got some smiles from the father-in-law at my new image. He's seen me without my beard for a while, but not with plucked eyebrows and jewellery on my fingers and wrists.

I guess they think I've turned gay. Boy, are they in for a surprise.

But you're doing real well, ms shandy.


ms.shandy said...

Thanks Chrissie. :)

That is definitely the way of it. Its quite a journey though, even with the awkwardness and fear.

You are doing very well too I think.


shan' =)

Anonymous said...

Lol...I bet that was a little disconcerting to see the incredible hulk approaching. Those people will be calling you lady from very close up, before long. Keep up the good work. :)Suzi