Tuesday, March 17, 2009

progress, of a sort

There have been lots of interesting happenings since I last blogged.  The delivery of my medications from abroad kept getting pushed back, to the point that I was literally down to four days worth of pills.  Weekends away were canceled, leaving me trapped among people who do not understand me.  The tension continued to grow at work, until I found myself constantly wary of how much my co-workers know, and what they think. I stressed about my family. I stressed about the future. I had just enough stressing left to stress over how awful it would feel if the medications ran out before more arrived.  

Then my medications came and things  got drastically more complicated. After watching USPS tracking for weeks, looking for the day I would need to outrun the family to the mail box, they finally came, and I managed a stealthy pick up. But then, something happened.  The stresses of the month lifted and I let my guard down.  In that unguarded moment I did what anyone living a double life is apt to do eventually, and made a mistake.

I was visiting relatives when I tore open the box to check the contents, and too wrapped up in my thoughts, I forgot the packing slip.  It ended up on the coffee table at my aunt and uncle's house. Together they grilled their son, who had invited me in the first place.  At this point I don't think they want him associating with me at all.  The most regrettable thing about the error is how much trouble I have caused him with his parents.

Eventually my uncle told my dad, who confronted me. He asked what I was taking.  I answered. I couldn't look up. I just stared at my own lap through the whole conversation. But I didn't flinch away from the truth.  I told him what I was on. He asked if I had prescriptions. I said that I did not, but that I intended to start working with an endocrinologist within the month.  His next question was whether this was about a sex change. After a pause I answered. "Eventually, yes."

At that exact moment, we were interrupted and we have not said a word to each other about it since. We talk of vacation, photography, work, and regular domestic things. He has not told Mom what he found out. He knows that if he does everything will spiral out of control.  I know he is worried, and I really wish I could make everything better for him.  We need a long heart to heart talk, and I am afraid it will be a hard one.  For him, I think the purpose will be changing my mind. But my course is set, and I just can't give up this time.

I really think things work out as they are intended.  The delayed shipment showed me how happy I am with my transitional progress, and that I can not possibly turn back.  The packing slip fiasco ended up getting the information to dad, that I just could not find the strength to reveal.  He had to know before I scheduled with the endocrinologist, and now he does. Tomorrow I am making the call.

This weekend I went out with some of the best friends I have in the world. We dined, shopped, and caught Confessions of a Shopaholic in the theatre. I got to just loosen up and be a care free girl, out enjoying a weekend with friends. And it was fabulous.  

At the Dress Barn, I found this amazing spring outfit. Highly embellished jeans, some cork wedges with a flower detail on top, and this beautiful long, purple-pink, tie-dye, scoop neck tunic.  And as I walked out of the dressing room to get my friend's to check out the clothes, I found myself walking toward this huge mirror, in very flattering lighting.  With the forward motion of my stride the thin tunic hugged my new curves, and I saw the me I have always wanted, with a new clarity.

I didn't look like a model.  Maybe not even pretty. But in the mirror there was this long, lean, willowy girl, with dorky black rimmed glasses and stick straight hair.  The scoop neck showed my collarbones and shoulders, and it all looked petite and delicate.   A top this loose used to make me look figureless, but now it is clear there are some rather feminine curves beneath.  Up close, you could probably tell the texture of my makeup on my lower face was odd. At some angles my face has some pretty masculine structure.  But just looking straight down this hall, I just looked to myself a,  normal, happy, dorky, thirty something girl. The kind you pass all the time without a second thought. The kind of girl I am inside.

Despite the turmoil brewing around me I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I have great friends.  I'm finding the backbone to deal with things.  I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been in my life.  I have a serenity.  A new found patience. I am growing into the person I am meant to be and I'm happier with myself than ever.  I don't wish to disappoint my family, and relocating is scary. But I am a girl. I have to be me.



Leslie Ann said...

Dang, girl! You don't talk to someone for a few days, and everything has changed.

Your father has to try to talk you out of this. I'm a dad, and I know his instinct is to protect you, even from yourself. But deep down, he knows he will lose this one. It's probably good that you were interrupted, so that he has time to think about what he wants to say. And boy, howdy, he's thinking.

Yeah, your subconscious is doing the dirty work now. The next mistake will bring your mother into the picture, as part of you knows you have to take that step too. I hope she can see how much happier you are now.

I'm so glad you made to blogger at last. We've been expecting you. Terrific blog title, and a great picture you chose for the title bar! Who is that model?

Luv ya, gorgeous!

Tina Jenson said...

My goodness, you have been through the wringer girl, for sure. I know how one mistake can open pandora's box to the world, oh my. But these things do work out for the best!

I hope you and your Dad get to have that heart to heart. I agree with Leslie in that he may be sorting through the emotions and finding the words. In the end he will probably become your closest ally.

Here, here...welcome to the Blogger. The water's fine isn't it?

ms.shandy said...

Tina, the water is incredibly nice at blogger. On 360 I never tried publishing just to get a short blog out, like my latest one. Because the hassle of reposting like twenty times was never worth it. The ability to just pop in and write a quick blog or make a quick comment without doing the 360-back-refresh dance is great! I still believe 360 was named because you had to keep running in circles to publish absolutely anything. :P

Leslie, I think you are right about Dad. I think when the time comes though, that for the first time in my life, I am willing to stand up to him, and to give him the honesty he deserves.

Thanks for the input ladies. It means lots to me. :)

Lori D said...

What an incredibly emotional experience that must have been for you. Sometimes situations don't turn out like we want them to, but we're on the set course regardless. I only hope you are able to offer your dad and relatives information and that they can educate themselves to the science of being T. That has generally worked for those family members who have had a tough time coming to terms with who I am. Once they go out and actually learn about it they usually find themselves more accepting, and at least understanding.