Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Hey there Georgie Girl...

One of the most amazing things about life, is how quickly everything can change.  You live each day,thinking you know what to expect. But a single moment can set things in motion.  Sometimes, it can be a moment that transforms your life in a wonderful way.  Then it feels surreal, like a waking dream.  And that is exactly how my week has been.  Since Monday, everything has felt to good to be true.

Dad and I finally had our chance to discuss my future.  We were on a long drive, making for a rare opportunity for us to talk openly without anyone else finding out what was going on.  As we drove, I waited for just the right opportunity to open the conversation, and wondered if he was doing the same.  Then at one point he said he was sorry he had not yet written me regarding my situation, but that he would soon.  

I said "Or we could just talk about it?"  To which he explained it would be easier to write.  I told him that I at least wanted to say a few things.  I wanted him to know that I didn't expect him to understand, and that I would not be upset with him no matter what he needed to say when he got a chance to write.  

At that point the conversation opened up a little bit, and he asked me about the safety of the hormones, and I explained that I had researched and was doing it the best way I could on my own, and that I intend to see an endocrinologist soon.  Then he asked what I wanted to do, and where I would go. I explained that I did not intend to move any further than Louisville or Lexington.  By this point Dad was starting to cry, as we discussed the distances, and the dangers of me visiting often in Leslie County. I managed to keep my composure and assure him that we would still have lots of time together.  It was hard, because the distance is not going to be easy for me either.

From there the discussion went on to the matter of my safety.  Dad told me he was worried someone might hurt me or kill me.  At that point I started to tell of the many transgender girls I know who are living safe and successful lives. 

Last year I would have been to weak for this conversation. I would have been crying. I would have been to ashamed to tell the truth of how sure I am that that I am a woman, and that life is too short for me to spend any more years trying to live as a man.  But Monday I found  I had the confidence and strength I needed.

And then it happened. Something I never really expected to hear from one of my parents. He told me I should do what I need to do. And that is the moment my world changed.  After years of pretending to be a normal man, painful discussions about my gender, and a year of sneaking around practically living a double life as I layed the groundwork for transition, suddenly it was all different.  

Dad went on to say that he had told Mom what he knew the same day that he had asked me about the hormones. I told him that I thought sure she would throw me out if she knew.  But really I thought she might have started noticing the body changes months before. When Dad found out from my uncle and had been so obviously caught off guard, I assumed I had been wrong about Mom suspecting. But Dad said that when he told her she managed to keep her emotions in check. So perhaps I was right that she had suspected. I guess she just had not been sure enough to mention it to Dad.

Dad also told me that he had talked to my uncle, who had found the packing slip, about my gender issues.  Dad said my aunt and uncle were not having nearly as hard a time with the situation now that they know what the drugs are for.  Maybe my uncle was only being polite to his brother.  I suppose time will tell if they are actually going to be comfortable with me. 

But for now I'm so incredibly happy.  My parents and I are getting along, even though they know what is going on with my life. And I feel much less lonely, no longer harboring all these secrets.  I'm more content than I have been at any point in my adult life.

After our conversation, Dad and I stopped for food at Long John Silver's.  And of all things, the last complete song to play before we left the restaurant was, Georgie Girl.  Honestly, I don't think I have ever heard that song before, except the first section of the chorus. But I'll never forget it after that day.

"Hey there! Georgie girl,
Swinging down the street so fancy free.
Nobody you meet could ever see the loneliness there inside you.  
Hey there! Georgie girl,
why do all the boys just pass you by? 
Could it be you just don't try, 
or is it the clothes you wear? 
You're always window shopping but never stopping to buy. 
So shed those dowdy feathers and fly a little bit. 
Hey there! Georgie girl, 
there's another Georgie deep inside. 
Bring out all the love you hide and oh, what a change there'd be, 
The world would see, a new Georgie girl.  
Hey there! Georgie girl, 
Dreaming of the someone you could be. 
Life is a reality, you can't always run away. 
Don't be so scared of changing and rearranging yourself.  
It's time for jumping down from the shelf a little bit..."

It touched my heart. I could have broke down crying, but it would have seemed silly, so I did my best to pretend not to notice the song.  I stared into my plate, afraid to make eye contact with dad.  I had teary eyes, and occasionally a silly grin I am sure.   I was probably blushing too!

If Dad noticed the lyrics were significant to me he didn't let on. Or would I know if had? Since I was staring at a fish fillet the whole time? 

This Thursday I took yet another big step. I called the endocrinology clinic again.  And this time they scheduled me. June 5 will be the date of my first appointment. Soon I will be through self medicating, and working toward transition with confidence, having the proper prescriptions and blood tests.  Maybe I can even get a laser hair removal treatment in between now and then, to help me be  little more confident in the interview.


Lori D said...

Fantastic news about your dad! You are WELL on your way, girlfriend! Believe you me!

Leslie Ann said...

Oh, Shan, I'm thrilled for you! The truth will set you free, huh? Once you utter the words, they can't live in denial anymore. And, it sounds like they love you regardless. Now you can shed the duplicity. What a relief! I'm so happy for you, girlfriend!

Anonymous said...

I am joyful for you! :)

Anonymous said...

Well, I finally found your I guess I'm about as sharp as a basketball huh?

I'm SOOO glad you have finally opened Shandy up to the world...beginning at home. I'm so glad you are on good terms with your dad. You don't say much about your mom's reaction.

I'll be anxiously awaiting any news you can give us. I'm really excited for you. :)Suzi