Friday, December 12, 2008

Slow Waltz

I haven't written in a while. But then most of what is happening now has become pretty predictable. My social transition can not progress further from where I am. So my life has fallen into a steady pattern now. I get my one to two weekends out per month. Between those I work , trying to pay down my debts, build a wardrobe, and take care of the essentials I will need to establish my independence. Meanwhile, my body is changing gradually on the hormones. The changes are subtle but I am completely thrilled. I have more self esteem than at any point in my life. My transition is a slow dance, but I do so love the song.

As far as taking care of essentials for independence, I can now say that I have transportation! A couple of weeks ago, I bought a car. Its not new and its nothing fancy. But its cute, gets pretty good mileage and has enough interior space to be good for all the road trips me and my friends do. It should be very practical transportation when I move. 

On the counseling side of things, I finally asked face to face about the referral this past Saturday and my therapist and I began to lay the groundwork. She is going to have an initial draft ready when I go back for my next session. So, I could be working with an endocrinologist very soon.

My self prescribed regimen seems to be going nicely. The changes in my body have been gradual, but now there is enough happening at day 42 that it is clearly not my imagination. I am very happy with the changes. Sometimes I'm almost proud of some aspects of my body. I'm softer and curvier. When I look in the mirror its getting much easier to imagine the hips as the center of mass instead of the shoulders. Also, breast development is progressing. They are tiny, but definitely not shaped right for a guy. 

All the changes feel so natural and healthy to me. I've never been this close to feeling good about my body. Before I started, I was so frustrated with how long everything was going to take . But each little change makes me so happy, that the waiting is not very hard. 

In addition to my counseling session Saturday, I had one of the best support meetings ever. I got to meet new people, and reconnect with friends. When you are trans, its always nice to spend time with people on simalar paths. I always come away feeling less alone, and more aware of my possibilities. So many trans people manage to live rich full lives, and I know in my heart I can too.

So yes, this entry is a lot like the last one. I'm still dancing the same dance, to the same tune. But even though the dance has a cyclic pattern, each measure of music brings a slightly new experience. And some day I will come to the end of the song. I will move, get a new job, and start a new life, living part time femme. It will be a new song, with a new dance. The steps and timing will be more complicated, but maybe the current dance will make me ready for that one. No accordion solos pleeeeeaaaaaassseeeeee! :P

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