Friday, October 31, 2008

Hormones-Day 01

As I write, I am occasionally taking a sip of regular, ordinary water, from a rather ordinary styrofoam cup. It would be a typical experience, except I'm using this most mundane beverage to wash down my very first dose of spironolactone. And to clear the taste of a sublingual estrogen tablet I took just moments ago. And besides all that, there is a new estrogen patch on my belly, just barely off my right hip.

It is 30 minutes untill I leave work to go home, and I write with my emotions spinning. I finally have estrogen in my system, though I don't feel it yet of course. And my testosterone and dht levels will be dropping soon from the spiro. This is something I have waited for all my adult life. And I am thrilled. Even though its to early for the drugs to take effect, I already feel different. Just knowing what is happening inside me now makes me so happy. 

But yet I am scared out of my mind. I don't have prescriptiosn for any of the 3 mentioned drugs, or the fincar i plan to start a little later, or the progestin I am to take for parts of the month. As a matter of fact, I got all my dosing instructions form a shady online site. I am at a job that will fall through if I am still here when changes get to be to much to hide. I live with my parents, who can not cope with this yet. 

And when transition does force me to relocate, the economy is at an all time low, and the ob market is almost surely slow. And how will I find a way to pay for an apartment, car repair, food, counseling, and eventual endocrinologist stuff? And what will this do to my family? And when I move, where will I find a landlord who doesn't mind my crazy giant parrot? 

All that spins through my head. Plus I am realizing that I am starting 5 prescription strength drugs. Me, who has always been so cautious not to over medicate. I take antibiotics only if its the last option. Headaches have ot last several hours before I take a pain reliever better than asprin. And now I have a dosing table! It is so scary to me.

But I need this change. And waiting just hurts more and more. I'm at a point where I feel a need to just do what needs done, and then face the consequences as they come. Despite my employment, family, housing and health concerns I am happy. My body will finally be what it was meant to be. 

Whether this was the most reckless thing I have ever done, or the beginning of the most transforming, momentous experience of my life, I have no idea. I'm sure anyone who reads this will think I am crazy. Maybe I am. But wow, I feel so alive. Right now, I can imagine a future for myself, and it doesn't feel like an idle fantasy to stay sane now. I jsut hope it can really happen.

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