Thursday, October 02, 2008

Hope: In Dress Form

Last weekend was a wild ride emotionally, starting low but ending wonderfully. I stayed Friday night with my best friends and got to use their apartment Saturday morning to prep for my day in Louisville en femme. But when Saturday morning finally arrived it was fraught with challenges. My skin was all messed up from stress and hair removal demands. Two of the tops I was considering just looked to big for me that morning, though I felt great about each the last time I wore them. No matter what I did I felt like I looked to bad to be seen in public. Then to top it all off, I ran out of time panicking about clothes and had to rush with my makeup. Which came out so bad that I had to touch up the foundation through out the day. I ended up giving up on both outfits and settling on my tried and true black knee length, high necked maxi, which covered enough of my pitiful skin to give me a little confidence.

Once I was on the road things went great though. I traveled and conducted business, free to be myself, and without anyone saying a negative word to me, though I did get a few stares. I topped off my day by visiting a friend of mine who sells mary kay . It was a very pleasant stay. She always makes me feel so normal. She taught me some interesting new makeup techniques while I was there as well, and i got to try out some shades of MK eye makeup and lip gloss that were new to me. 

I made it back to Richmond without incident, pretty much. Some punky teenager yelling "fucking queer" at me while I was eating at the food court was the only bad thing that happened all day. No worries. I'm not on hormones yet and its ok if I can't pass until later. Maybe its okay if I never can, as long as I get to be myself full time eventually. 

Then Monday, my new dress arrived, instantly becoming my absolute favorite possession. All black lace, with a creamy silk shell beneath. I've never had such a confidence inspiring garment. The fit was flattering, and the elbow length sleeves and high neck obscured my razor burned chest and arms. I felt so femme; so hopeful. And so I decided to stay up late, do my makeup and take a few photos for a self esteem boost. 

With no timeframe and no one to judge the results but myself, makeup was stress free and I finished in record time, with the best results I have ever had. Saturday's makeup issues and getting yelled at by that loud mouth teen in the mall had shaken my confidence. Monday night, standing in my new dress, with my best makeup work ever, all that was swept away. I saw myself, the real me in the mirror. I saw the me I wish I could present to the world and I've never felt more hopeful, confident, beautiful. 

After I put my dress away I slept peacefully, feeling strong hope that maybe someday I can have the one thing I want more than anything else. Just a normal woman's life.

More of the dress photos are at:

I just love it!

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