Mistaken Identity...

This post has some made up names in it.  LOL!

*~*~*~*~*~*

Today I walked into a local store.  I was looking rough.  I had worn makeup the day before, had not washed my face because I was staying over night with friends and went to bed late.  Basically I just got up this morning, brushed my teeth, threw on my more androgynous clothes from Friday and hit the store for something me and my friends could fix quickly for lunch.

When I got to the counter with my Tostino's party pizzas,  Lay's chips and Tostito's queso,  the clerk gave me an odd look.  My first thought was that she just thought I was weird looking.  It turned out that instead she was trying to decide whether she recognized me.  

"Are you Cindy's daughter?"

"Er...  No, I'm Bill and Jeana Darkstar's ....."  I faltered.  Daughter was on the tip of my tongue and I so wanted to say it.  But this is a small community and everyone mostly knows everyone.  She would realize right away that to her knowledge Mom and Dad have no daughters.  And if word got back that I was saying I was female already, it would push things to fast.  My coming out is still a month away.  I thought it through quickly before finishing my sentence.  "....son."

It stung to say it.  I am a woman and being recognized as my true gender is always a triumph.  Especially when I'm presenting in such a natural state.  It felt awful refuting her completely accurate gender assertion.  The word "son" tasted bitter in my mouth.

She looked completely confused.  "What?", she asked with a quiet politeness.

"I'm Bill and Jeana Darkstar's....."  I trailed off, unable to speak that bitter word a second time, and still regretting the first time.  

She paused and thought a long moment before saying "You look a lot like Cindy Darkstar's daughter."

I was blushing.  The girl she had confused me with is a distant cousin 7 years younger than me.  Pretty high praise for a mid transition transexual girl coming off of a long day of shopping and a long night of movie watching who hasn't shaved, done make up, or combed her hair in 36 hours.

She tried to apologize, and I told her it was fine.  She told me that I'm pretty either way.  "That's a good thing right?"

I thanked her for the compliment and we said our good byes.  As I was stepping away from the counter we both said "Thank ya' much."  in perfect unison.  So odd because I don't think I've ever heard anyone besides me say exactly that line.  15 years ago I would have said "JINX!"  LOL!  

I left the store feeling extremely good about myself and with a sudden burst of energy. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 There have been so many positive signs this weekend.  But the rest of the story is a bit longer and more involved.  Maybe I'll get to type it all up tomorrow.  Right now though, I'm just feeling incredibly blessed and very much prepared for coming out completely during the late part of next month.  I've got the most amazing friends, and transition is going wonderfully.  Just so many blessings and I'm trying very hard to relish it all and take none of it for granted. :)

An Email

For a few weeks now I've been saying that I absolutely must open communication with my brother by some means.  Shortly after those early mentions I wrote an email that came out to be fairly lengthy.  I opened by mentioning how hard it was to tell him in particular because the importance of his opinion and because I hate to worry him.  From there I gave a description of what it means to be transexual, a brief history of my lifelong issues, and a rundown of my current situation.  The huge steps coming in the near future were also discussed in short.  I closed with the most important part;  that whether he approves or understands, I hope that our relationship will not be damaged.

I read the letter over, occasionally making small changes, over the past few weeks.  No matter what though, it always felt blunt and jarring.  So I never sent it.  That is until last Wednesday.  The holidays are fast approaching, everyone in the county knows yet my own brother does not.  Something had to be done.  I reread the letter a few more times that evening and made a few small adjustments.  I realized at this point that no matter how you say it, there is no way to comfortably tell a very close friend and relative that you are transexual.  I could text, I could call, write a shorter email, a longer email.  In the end, emotionally it will be very much the same for the person receiving the communication.  There is no magical way to make it all easier.

My cursor hovered over the Send button for quite a while.  I wasn't scared like I have been sending similar emails over the past few years.  There was just a sense of gravity and anticipation.   He is one of the most important people in my life.  When I clicked Send finally, there was a strong sense of relief and I went to bed happy.  I had finally opened one of the most important lines of communication I ever would.

I.  I was a bit nervous waiting for a response, but not disappointed. I knew it would take some time for him to digest the information, and that the actual response might not be easy to write.    I checked at every opportunity, excited for news, but did not truly expect to hear anything back before the weekend.

Friday when I found his name in my Inbox I smiled.  As I read I just wished I could hug him.  He wrote back a letter every bit as long as what I had sent, and it was very clear that it was just as well thought out.  He told me that he had known something was up with me for a while, but had not known exactly.  The rumors had not found their way to him and Mom and Dad had hardly mentioned it.  He suspects our parents had decided to stay vague to shield him for now.  I find that very likely.  That was one of the reasons I waited to tell him too.  He is just so busy with school and work, and didn't need more to worry about.

He said it was hard to understand, but was trying and it would take time.  He wrote that he intends to be supportive though and that I'll hold no less of a place in his heart, though it is almost like having someone new step into the place reserved for his brother.  He also mentioned that his fiance is very supportive of me, which was great news as well. One of my favorite thing about his letter is that toward the end he was comfortable interjecting a bit of humor.

His response seemed very sincere and caring, and I couldn't have asked for more.  =)

More of my insane spontaneity.

Last weekend was supposed to be mostly relaxing.  I had an electrolysis appointment in Lexington, but after that I was going to call friends in the area, see if anyone wanted to hang out for a bit, then drive home before dark and settle in to rest and take care of things at home for the rest of the weekend.

Instead, while I was in electrolysis, I got a call from my friend Debbie in Louisville, another hour and a half from home.  They were wanting to have dinner out, then go to another restaurant that was presenting live music at the bar.  I explained that I was recovering from electrolysis, had no luggage, no clothes, was dressed ridiculously casual.  She offered full access to her closet (we were the same size until she dropped a dress size this year) mentioned that another friend had left a bag of shoes in my size that I was to take home and could therefore use.  Being a Mary Kay rep she offered me access to a wide array of beauty supplies to make up for my lack of luggage.  It seemed doable!

I explained to my parents that I was extending my trip and told about my plans.  Mom seemed fairly comfortable with it so I started on to Louisville.  I arrived with plenty of time, so Debbie and I ran out to Kroger  so I could get a few cheap essentials I was short on since I wasn't packed for travel.  While there Debbie talked me into dying my hair before we went out.

I've never done home color but Debbie talked me into Clairol Natural Instincts in Nutmeg.  I was nervous about it, and my first impression afterward was not at all good.  It seemed to kill my natural highlights and low lights, leaving an unnaturally flat and uniform color.  It looks fine as I write now several days later, but on the night in question I was terrified. :P

Debbie suggested a few possibilities for my evening wardrobe, but in the end we both preferred a black velour  fitted shift dress.  The dress was a major confidence boost - almost enough to counter not having my own colors of makeup, the uni-tone hair, and the facial swelling from electrolysis.  Up until now, I have not been very confident about my figure being dramatic enough and tended to pick stretchy dresses to push for every bit of curvature I could show.  This dress lay lightly across my curves, not too tight or too loose, but just perfectly following the contour of my body as if tailored for me.

As I was preparing to leave I had such a funny moment.  I was walking down Debbie's hall, and at the end is a full length mirror.  Standing there was someone who looked like me, yet more refined.  Pearls and a classy black shift, with black angle boots and a strand of pearls.  Watching myself glide down the hall toward the mirror I was near laughter.  Maybe for one night I could trick people into thinking this Taco Bell chick actually belongs in five star restaurants.

We met up with the rest of our friends and had a great dinner at Winston's.  The food was far costlier than I am accustomed to, but it was quite nice.  I had 3 little medallion cut steak things under a bleu cheese sauce and garnished with.... I have no idea.  At any rate it was good, and the atmosphere was nice.

After that we proceeded to Jack Ruby's downtown.  The band was great and I felt pretty comfortable despite the elitist crowd.   Out of our party of five, three of us were either CD or TS and quite tall, making pass-ability somewhat of a challenge.  The other transgender girls in my party seemed very uncomfortable with the attention, but I didn't care.  No one said anything out of the way but the group at the next table over ask to pose for photos with us at our table, which I found a bit insulting.  Though they were very polite and gracious about the whole thing it still left me feeling like a bit of a curiosity.

Afterward we went bar hopping.  Our options were limited because a few of us had come without IDs.  We ended up at some hole in the wall called the Monkeywrench.  They had a live reggae band, practically no one was on the first floor, and the first floor smelled like marijuana.  A blonde with dreadlocks trippin' on drugs opened a rather one sided conversation with us that mostly consisted of telling us to "Stay cool." and other such sage advice.  Tina would have loved her, as she was incredibly mellow.  LOL! After about 15 minutes in the bar we decided it wasn't really our scene and decided to move on.  She left us with the parting words "Hey ladies, be nice."  Next we were at the Back Door, which has a pool hall/road house kind of feel.  It was a rough looking crowd but we were treated well.

We all got home by 2 AM, but Debbie and I chatted until 4.  We were all supposed to be back up and ready for brunch by 11 AM, so I only slept until 9.  Sunday was hectic. My confidence from the previous night was gone with the black dress back in the closet and again wearing my jeans and top from  the day before.  I managed to have a good time at brunch anyway though.

We ended the day with shopping at Dillard's but I didn't buy anything.   I'm not really sure what I want to wear for work.  Usually I can shop for stuff that catches my eye and shop without over thinking it.  But in January I can't break this feeling that I have something to prove and I keep worrying and overcomplicating the decisions.  :P

I enjoyed my trip, but by the end I was so ready to be home.  Shorty after I hit the road though I realized I had left my phone in Mary's car.  Hmm, no phone.  I can't find any house in town except Debbie's without help, and ten minutes until Debbie was leaving for work.  I rushed back to her house and caught her just before she left and she called Mary who had already found my phone and voicemailed Debbie.  While she was waiting for me at Oxford mall I got lost, couldn't find her on the lot and I was stressed about wasting part of her weekend waiting around.

I hated getting a late start but it was nice getting to chat Mary for a bit.  I've only met her on two trips but she is one of the most encouraging people I've ever been around.  Debbie had asked me at brunch when I planned to do GRS and such and Mary seemed legitimately shocked that I wasn't finished.  She said she had just assumed.  At Jack Ruby's she said I was one of the prettiest girls there, and I think she actually meant it.  Her compliment came as pretty high praise in that haughty crowd and eased the sense of inferiority I was fighting at the time.  Just incredibly sweet.

It was a whirlwind weekend and I didn't feel at all rested Monday morning, and all the food and drinks were too costly, but it was definitely all worth it for time with my amazing friends.  :)