Boy 1: Is that a girl?
Boy 2: No, thats a boy!
Boy 1: Girl!
Boy 3: Its a boy...A man!
Boy 1: Hey! Are you a girl?
This exchange took place between three young 8-12 year old looking boys in the hall at work. They had come with their parents now that school was out it seems, and none of them had seen me before. At the time I had my hair pulled back in a tight low pony tail, and was dressed in my loose, crumpled male slacker garb.
By the time the direct question came up, I was far enough down the hall to pretend I had not heard, or had assumed they were talking to someone closer.
On another note, a friend has invited me out for lunch some time this week. We used to work in the same building 3 years ago, but now our paths rarely cross at work. The invite came while I was back at central office Monday. Maybe its just meant to be a chance to catch up, but something tells me she's got questions. If she asks, I'll probably answer honestly. I'm just so ready to be out, and this could be the chance.
Looking back over the last few years, I never really had a plan at work, but the way things have happened, I've accidentally slowly tempered people and I don't think many would be surprised now. Having people know before an official announcement would just relieve tension at this point.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Pomp and Circumstance
The last 9 days or so have been really eventful! Last weekend, I had an amazing trip to Lexington. My work week was wild, as school was winding down and there were lots of loose ends to tie up, and this weekend the seniors had their graduation.
Really, it was an unusually social week for me, and I'm very lucky that the weekend before it bolstered my self esteem. The stress would have been unbearable if I were still feeling the way I felt the last time I blogged.
Actually I did arrive in Lexington feeling pretty low when I reported for laser Friday night. Saturday though, I got up and threw on the outfit pictured in my last blog, along with some 3 inch peep toe brown leather pumps to dress it up a bit. I drove to Louisville and looked around St. Mathews mall and everyone treated me so normal.
Back in Lexington, everyone was really encouraging about my looks. At one point in the Transkentucky meeting we discussed working in drab when people sort of have you figured out. I chimed in and said I was basically out at work, and was going to launch into the story about my ex from way back telling me I had been spotted by some of her relatives in London. But I never got to tell my story because as soon as I said I thought I was out at work, several people began to imply there was no way I could pass as a guy. There were other reassuring moments too though, and by the end of the meeting, I was feeling confident and ready to take on the world.
At the meeting, I finally got to talk to Leslie, who I have missed a lot in past weeks and months. But we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked. I also had the pleasure of meeting some really cool new people, including Sophie Hawes of the Freeing Hummingbirds blog. It was a pleasure getting to talk with her and she is every bit as charming and engaging in person as she is online. Its always encouraging to get a glimpse ahead in the transition process too, which makes meeting her that much more interesting. Full time, I can hardly wait!
Also... I got hit on at a gas station, (twice almost actually) which made me feel a bit more normal and human. After we chatted while we were pumping fuel, he pulled up beside my car while I was programming my GPS and asked if he could give me his phone number. The whole thing was just very sweet.
Tina, Lisa and I had two great midnight cookouts with a charcoal grill and it was so nice getting to spend some time with them. Tina got some hair styling done over the weekend and saw an electrologist. I dropped by her salon and was treated really well. Sylvia came as well and we both had a consultation with Tina's electrologist. She was very kind, with lots of compliments and advice. Really she reminded me of my friend Debbie, in that she seems to have a tendency to take trans girls under her wing. Very motherly and sweet. I'll probably use her services in the near future.
A neat weekend, seeing all my friends. Seems a big year for everyone and its nice watching everyone grow and find their place.
When I got home, I felt like a different person. This place doesn't seem so oppressive right now. For weeks, my confidence has been battered, but last weekend it was bolstered. I guess friends, normalcy, and encouragement are just emotionally healthy things. :P
Sunday morning my post laser break out came, and with a vengeance. There were places on my face big enough to cast shadows quite literally, and my upper lip was a mass of sores. Monday morning came and the skin was too delicate to shave still, so I reported to work with 3 days worth of patchy fried hair protruding from festering acne like follicles. I got some odd looks, but it didn't bother me. I just focused on my many blessings and the temporal nature of the problem. I was grungy and male looking all week, but I never felt anything less than human, or less than a woman.
I ended up designing the banners for the graduation and setting up the camera and projector to project events on stage live. I thought my contribution was pretty much over, but then I was asked to run the camera and help look after the projector. The table with the projector, camera, and laptop for power points was right between the seating for the graduates and the teachers. So basically, literally the very center of everything. Down there with me most of the night, two gorgeous co-workers who actually got to dress appropriately for the occasion. Dresses, heels, perfect hair. There were feelings of inferiority and insecurity. I guess there is still a part of me that just wanted to run away. I think I managed it well though. I still held onto my confidence, looking like a male scarecrow despite the huge audience, conspicuous placement and being surrounded by people who, generally make me feel ugly. LOL!
Actually, I still feel great. Skin is clear almost now, and the facial hair should shed from laser by Wednesday. Depending on the results this time, I might be approaching my time to come out. We'll see!
Really, it was an unusually social week for me, and I'm very lucky that the weekend before it bolstered my self esteem. The stress would have been unbearable if I were still feeling the way I felt the last time I blogged.
Actually I did arrive in Lexington feeling pretty low when I reported for laser Friday night. Saturday though, I got up and threw on the outfit pictured in my last blog, along with some 3 inch peep toe brown leather pumps to dress it up a bit. I drove to Louisville and looked around St. Mathews mall and everyone treated me so normal.
Back in Lexington, everyone was really encouraging about my looks. At one point in the Transkentucky meeting we discussed working in drab when people sort of have you figured out. I chimed in and said I was basically out at work, and was going to launch into the story about my ex from way back telling me I had been spotted by some of her relatives in London. But I never got to tell my story because as soon as I said I thought I was out at work, several people began to imply there was no way I could pass as a guy. There were other reassuring moments too though, and by the end of the meeting, I was feeling confident and ready to take on the world.
At the meeting, I finally got to talk to Leslie, who I have missed a lot in past weeks and months. But we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked. I also had the pleasure of meeting some really cool new people, including Sophie Hawes of the Freeing Hummingbirds blog. It was a pleasure getting to talk with her and she is every bit as charming and engaging in person as she is online. Its always encouraging to get a glimpse ahead in the transition process too, which makes meeting her that much more interesting. Full time, I can hardly wait!
Also... I got hit on at a gas station, (twice almost actually) which made me feel a bit more normal and human. After we chatted while we were pumping fuel, he pulled up beside my car while I was programming my GPS and asked if he could give me his phone number. The whole thing was just very sweet.
Tina, Lisa and I had two great midnight cookouts with a charcoal grill and it was so nice getting to spend some time with them. Tina got some hair styling done over the weekend and saw an electrologist. I dropped by her salon and was treated really well. Sylvia came as well and we both had a consultation with Tina's electrologist. She was very kind, with lots of compliments and advice. Really she reminded me of my friend Debbie, in that she seems to have a tendency to take trans girls under her wing. Very motherly and sweet. I'll probably use her services in the near future.
A neat weekend, seeing all my friends. Seems a big year for everyone and its nice watching everyone grow and find their place.
When I got home, I felt like a different person. This place doesn't seem so oppressive right now. For weeks, my confidence has been battered, but last weekend it was bolstered. I guess friends, normalcy, and encouragement are just emotionally healthy things. :P
Sunday morning my post laser break out came, and with a vengeance. There were places on my face big enough to cast shadows quite literally, and my upper lip was a mass of sores. Monday morning came and the skin was too delicate to shave still, so I reported to work with 3 days worth of patchy fried hair protruding from festering acne like follicles. I got some odd looks, but it didn't bother me. I just focused on my many blessings and the temporal nature of the problem. I was grungy and male looking all week, but I never felt anything less than human, or less than a woman.
I ended up designing the banners for the graduation and setting up the camera and projector to project events on stage live. I thought my contribution was pretty much over, but then I was asked to run the camera and help look after the projector. The table with the projector, camera, and laptop for power points was right between the seating for the graduates and the teachers. So basically, literally the very center of everything. Down there with me most of the night, two gorgeous co-workers who actually got to dress appropriately for the occasion. Dresses, heels, perfect hair. There were feelings of inferiority and insecurity. I guess there is still a part of me that just wanted to run away. I think I managed it well though. I still held onto my confidence, looking like a male scarecrow despite the huge audience, conspicuous placement and being surrounded by people who, generally make me feel ugly. LOL!
Actually, I still feel great. Skin is clear almost now, and the facial hair should shed from laser by Wednesday. Depending on the results this time, I might be approaching my time to come out. We'll see!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Paper Tigress
It's a rainy summer Saturday. Derby day 2010, in Louisville, Kentucky. My friend Debbie and I stroll into a very nice bar to catch the race on the big screen. There's so much hustle and bustle and all the girls are dressed up for derby day. I'm in one of my favorite summer florals despite the weather, which seemed a silly choice earlier in the day. But inside a lot of other women had also chosen not to let the weather spoil their original derby day wardrobe decision. It feels great being among people and being a part of things. I'm super confident today and for once I actually feel pretty.
A few minutes before the race I got up to make my way to the ladies' room, then made about three steps without considering my shoes could still be wet from the sidewalk outside. I slipped and had an awkward moment, rebalancing over my very narrow 3 inch heels. I giggled sheepishly and glanced around casually wondering who might have seen.
Almost straight ahead, two pairs of gorgeous brown eyes caught mine. Two nicely dressed clean cut men, around my own age, standing near eachother and each holding a drink. They looked a lot alike and I was imediately certain they were brothers. They had probably taken notice of me because of the sudden movement, but now they were still looking right at me. Its a look I have not experienced many times in my life, but I know it when I see it. They were admiring me.
Somehow I just knew, that all I had to do was smile and I could be over there with them. I wanted too. I almost did.
Then reality snapped into focus. I grow hair in places I shouldn't. I'm wearing more makeup than I should rightfully need. My complexion is awful, with skin swollen from laser the day before. I'm missing parts I should have. I have parts I shouldn't. They admire me now, from 20 feet away. But the distance, the low light, and a thin layer of cloth and mineral powder hides a multitude of sins. For now rare distant admiration is all I can accept. I can't date. I can't fall in love. If they spent time with me, either would eventually be disappointed. The only question is how long we could talk before someone saw through the paper thin illusion that masks my many handicaps.
The smile forming on my lips froze incomplete and something primal and natural that was happening inside died . There was no time to think. I couldn't end up with a situation where they would feel comfortable approaching me. I gave them the tiniest cold smile and then turned to the women's room with a dismissive toss of my hair.
A paper thin layer of cloth and makeup hides a multitude of sins. I am a paper tigress.
A few minutes before the race I got up to make my way to the ladies' room, then made about three steps without considering my shoes could still be wet from the sidewalk outside. I slipped and had an awkward moment, rebalancing over my very narrow 3 inch heels. I giggled sheepishly and glanced around casually wondering who might have seen.
Almost straight ahead, two pairs of gorgeous brown eyes caught mine. Two nicely dressed clean cut men, around my own age, standing near eachother and each holding a drink. They looked a lot alike and I was imediately certain they were brothers. They had probably taken notice of me because of the sudden movement, but now they were still looking right at me. Its a look I have not experienced many times in my life, but I know it when I see it. They were admiring me.
Somehow I just knew, that all I had to do was smile and I could be over there with them. I wanted too. I almost did.
Then reality snapped into focus. I grow hair in places I shouldn't. I'm wearing more makeup than I should rightfully need. My complexion is awful, with skin swollen from laser the day before. I'm missing parts I should have. I have parts I shouldn't. They admire me now, from 20 feet away. But the distance, the low light, and a thin layer of cloth and mineral powder hides a multitude of sins. For now rare distant admiration is all I can accept. I can't date. I can't fall in love. If they spent time with me, either would eventually be disappointed. The only question is how long we could talk before someone saw through the paper thin illusion that masks my many handicaps.
The smile forming on my lips froze incomplete and something primal and natural that was happening inside died . There was no time to think. I couldn't end up with a situation where they would feel comfortable approaching me. I gave them the tiniest cold smile and then turned to the women's room with a dismissive toss of my hair.
A paper thin layer of cloth and makeup hides a multitude of sins. I am a paper tigress.
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