An awkward moment from an awkward life.

Seems I've used the word awkward often lately. And I suppose its because it is so often fitting in my current situation. I want to live as the woman I know I am, but my body is not yet ready. My situation requires I keep the male act up, but my brain is racing ahead and the act is breaking down. WIth my head in the clouds, my pride demanding that people see me as female, my situation dictating that I play at being male, and my body caught hopelessly in between, it is a confusing time. And, yes, an awkward time.

Like for instance, on vacation, my family pulled into an RV park along the way. It had been a long day with 10 hours cramped up in a truck for a cross country drive. As soon as the wheels stopped turning I hopped out to stretch my legs, so happy for a chance to move around. Mom also hopped out immediately, but went into the camper. The men stayed in the truck to get everything parked just right, so we could have level living quarters for the night. So, it was only me outside.

I was standing there with my blue and gold macaw parrot, Kupo, on my shoulder, surveying the scene. It wasn't crowded, but just a few sites away we did have neighbors. 3 identical trailers, and 3 matching white trucks with the logo of a communication company on the side of each. Apparently the company was using RVs to house workers for a setup job somewhere in the area.

At one of the trucks was a man. Even at a distance, he was obviously striking. Tall, lean and muscular, with sandy blonde hair and a rugged face. He was pacing around in worn jeans and a tee, talking on a cell phone. I found myself desperately wanting him to notice me. In my situation, that is unbelievably stupid, but all I really wanted was just a look from him.

As always I was wearing one loose, thin, knit tee, an oversized button up shirt over top, and giant jeans. Its a garb that you could obscure practically any body shape under, assuming it is worn correctly. But I found myself stretching, with my back arched, hands gathering the fabric of the layered shirts at the small of my back and around the waist to reveal a little shape. There was a little distance between us, and I just wanted a glance. I wanted to feel like I was worth a glance, not like I was some weird scarecrow looking boy.

He looked over for jsut a second, but we never made eye contact or anything. Then he says loudly on his phone. "This lady here has a huge parrot! You should see it, its just sitting on her shoulder chillin'." Or something like that. I felt so proud. I think I remember blushing. I sat down on the picnic table at our camp site for a moment, no longer looking in the direction of our neighbor, then I heard someone approaching, and turned to see he was coming toward me.

For a moment I was terrified. What would happen when he got here and noticed at closer range that he was definitely not looking at a genetic girl, but rather, someone he would perceive as a scrawny looking boy in baggy clothes. I was feeling very tense. But then he was there.

Up close, he was even more handsome. So rugged, with tribal style tattoos, a hard body and chiseled face. But it was pointless to think about him romantically, sitting there in boy mode. I just smiled, and greeted him as he approached. He might have been a little surprised when he got close enough to figure it out, but if so he covered well. He was completely polite and we talked about Kupo for a moment, then he went back to his own site.

There was some laughter from the worker's trailers a few minutes later. I suppose I will never know whether it was in response to an anecdote about a crazy parrot carrying girl who turned out to be a strange bearded, apparently male, creature. Probably not, but who knows?

In a word? Yes! Awkward!

Family Disonance: Vacation

I am back now from family vacation with Mom and Dad to the Yellowstone and Grand Teton national parks. Much as I feared and anticipated the trip, I come away with mixed feelings. It was trying and emotional to travel with my family at this awkward point in my transition. But it was an opportunity to connect, and I think that despite some emotional moments, it was a positive experience for all three of us.

The trip there was four days on the road, stopping each night at a different campground. Mom was looking away, with tears in her eyes often. And I had to live with the sad understanding that she was spending her whole vacation upset to tears by my appearance, actions and manner of speech. My dad also seemed down. I tried to keep a positive attitude, but by the time we arrived, I was starting to feel that I was ruining everything for everyone. Mom and I rode often looking out our respective windows to hide the tears.

When we arrived in the park I thought things would get better. But everything is so far apart in such open country that it mostly turned out to be another 4 days sitting in a truck with people who seemed depressed just to hear me talk. Mostly dad managed to stay positive once we got out into nature, but there were still moments I upset him. Mom was even worse.

Making matters more complicated, they had invited my uncle along. He is a nice enough guy, but his being there complicated things farther. It meant I had to share a room. It meant that I had to layer shirts no matter where I was, to hide the slight changes occurring with my chest; even relaxing around camp or driving. Also it meant all of us had to carefully conceal our emotions most of the time, and that discussing anything private was impossible.

It also meant more opportunities for me to inadvertently embarrass my parents. Anything I did or said, that looked or sounded to feminine, often merited extra sad expressions or even tears from either parent.

By the third night at our main camp, I was having a hard time keeping a positive mood. One night after Dad and Mom argued, I was thinking about how much I contributed to the moods that caused it. Suddenly everything seemed hopeless and it all felt like my fault. At dinner I started crying and couldn't stop. So I ate in a corner trying to keep the tears hidden. But mom noticed and asked if I was alright. I said no.

At that point I was completely unable to stop crying. After having to prepare my convertible dinette/bed in front of everyone, crying the whole time, I went to bed with everyone else still trying to talk and carry on as normal. I took my clothes off under the cover, like every night on the road. Then rolled over on my side. But it turned out my quilt had shifted, revealing most of my back. I think everyone saw a few girly angles before I noticed what was happening and managed to discretely cover up. Dad hurriedly left the room, walking very loudly. He only does that when he is upset, and so I was left to wonder if it was because of my little slip up with the quilt

I lay there feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and just wishing so much I could have some privacy to cry, to change clothes, to sleep, to just be myself. A few minutes later mom came by with a big oversized tee shirt for me. She was very sweet about the whole thing. I still cried myself to sleep, but I was feeling a lot better after her surprising show of understanding. It felt like like she had suddenly understood what difficult circumstances I was in, and how hard I was trying to stay positive and make it a good trip.

The following morning, I got up, closed myself up in the RVs master bedroom and bath, to finally do my hair properly for the first time since leaving home. I just needed something to do to cheer me up. When I stepped back out, I fully expected Mom to be angry, but instead she gave me this warm smile, and said "You know I love you, don't you?" and hugged me.

From that point on we both just tried to enjoy our trip, and things felt less hopeless. There were still some hard moments for my parents. Several times someone would see me and my parrot together at a distance and say "Look at that parrot, on her shoulder!" And I got a few odd looks on the trail and in shops and restaurants with the parents present. At one trail, there were people standing less than 15 feet away talking in a normal volume about whether I was a man or a woman.

There were positive times with Dad too. We both love landscape and nature photography, and when we were out chasing sunrises and antelope, everything felt like old times. It always makes me happy to spend time outdoors with dad. He is probably more respectful of, and more inspired by nature than anyone I have ever met. And I love taking part in those moments when he can be outside in the natural world doing the things he loves to do. I only wish we could have spent more time hiking around with our cameras.

I do think we all managed to enjoy most of the trip, and that my parents are each coming to terms with my transition in their own way. To me, family is precious, and I really want to maintain a positive relationship with my Mom and Dad. I feel this vacation was a positive step toward that. And there were times when we were all happy that I will always cherish.

I got some great photos of Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons too! But that might be another blog. Or at least a post on flickr. :P

Introducing, Me!

Last weekend, I had an experience I have day dreamed about most of my life. Finally, I got to meet one of my school era friends, as myself! I used to always day dream I could be instantly transformed to a girl, and I would interact with my friends and they would still be okay with me, and after just a little awkwardness, we would still all be friends.

In reality it has not been nearly as simple as my day dream. In life, transition is never accomplished through a painless, instantaneous process for starters. And I'll probably never become the beautiful, radiant creature I was in my old day dreams. Unlike the supportive friends in my daydreams, most of my old school friends have been totally unsupportive. When I first confessed my little secret, many of the friendships felt strained. When I actually started to loosen up and be myself a bit, many of them began to distance themselves from me. By the time I began transition, most of the strained friendships had been shattered.

But there is one exception. My best friend from my school days. The first time I came out, he was the one friend who reacted with curiosity. He was the one friend who looked at it objectively, and told me that looking back, it explained a lot and that to him it made sense.

We have not communicated a lot lately. He has a very full family life, demanding job, and a very long commute. Though we have not had very much time to chat, and have not seen each other in person for several years, his acceptance has always been such a positive factor in my transition.

Last weekend, an opportunity finally came to visit. He has recently moved to a closer town, and it happened to be the town my pharmacy is in. While I was out picking up my medication, I sent him a text message asking if he had time for a visit, and he invited me on over. To that I replied that I would need a little time to get back into guy mode. And in response he messaged back, "Come as you wish." So after a brief exchange to make completely sure I was interpreting that correctly, I drove over still dressed for my pharmacy visit.

I was so nervous. I just wanted so much to be accepted for who I truly am. I needed desperately to be taken seriously. I sat in the driveway checking my hair and makeup a few moments. Looking in the mirror just made everything scarier though. All the physical problems I stress over were so glaringly discernible. But no amount of wishing could make it easier.

I knocked on the door, held my breath and waited for the moment when one of my old friends would finally meet me in my true gender role. My heart was beating fast. I struggled to maintain an outer calm to mask the inner fear. When he opened the door, I did my best to smile and look calm.

But after we had talked a moment, we both became more comfortable, and it was like old times again. Eventually his wife and adorable little son woke from napping and joined us. The fear started to subside, and I was in my element, chatting and joking away.

After a wonderful evening, I said my goodbyes. It had been magnificent. His wife was very nice to me and made me feel right at home. And his son is such a cute little guy! Nearly two and just full of energy. It was a pleasure getting to finally meet them both.

On the drive home, I was feeling very warm and content. And then it occurred to me, I am starting to live my dreams. At least, the more realistic parts of them. For the first time, I really had been able to present the way I want, and act naturally around one of my oldest and dearest friends.

Like so many dreams, when it actually comes true it feels a lot different than the make-believe version. It is just so pleasant and natural. As healthy and normal as breathing. Much like the other aspects of transition I have experienced, the reality is scarier and less fanciful than the dream. Yet it feels so wonderful, in a very real and beautiful way, to intricate to ever accurately dream up.