Yes, one of my rare, and terribly boring vlogs. If reading my nonsense in the previous post didn't put you to sleep, here's a brand new shot at Shandy Alexis dullness. :P
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Pronoun Confusion and an Aside Regarding Bras.
I was in a computer lab trying to assist a teacher with the recovery of some missing writing assignments stuck out on the network somewhere. One of the students began logging in, though it was pretty much a waste with the issues we had at the time.
So the teacher said, "Wait until he- Wait 'til ... is done working on them!" I felt so sorry for her. The rumors are out there, and my presentation is mostly in order, yet I'm still not officially out. So awkward for everyone. It was very considerate of her to try avoiding "he", I think.
This pushing the edge of androgyny grows more awkward by the day. People who read my blog regularly are very familiar with my current mode of dress. Women's jeans, stretchy women's tops in gender neutral colors and necklines. I wear my hair as curly and voluminous as I wish, and I don't shy away from makeup, though I try not to get to carried away. Male elements? Pretty much just the shoes, or if it is very cold I sometime's use a men's button up shirt as a cover up part of the day. The shoes are a sort of odd hold out. As long as people are calling me he and I can't correct them, it just feels odd wearing something that makes a blatant gender statement. My clothes hint strongly at my gender, but by cut, shape and fit only. Most of the shoes in my wardrobe go well beyond that. It is the same for jewelry. My ears need re-pierced now, but, I would gladly wear studs to work, while the styles I actually prefer, I would probably never consider until out.
That probably sounds like an awkward enough presentation as it is, with people widely regarding me as male, with no word from me to the contrary. But the really odd part? I almost never wear a bra. There are two reasons. The first is much like the shoes, earrings, or tops of gender specific style. A bra generally can't be 100% hidden under the types of top I wear, and makes a very, very strong gender statement. The, other thing is that everyone there has seen me completely flat chested for 8 years, and suddenly rocking up to work wearing a bra, people would probably think I was faking having breasts. For some reason the idea of someone thinking that irritates me to no end. Being flat chested has always been a source of major embarrassment and insecurity for me. Of course I'm still fairly flat chested, but I'm not totally flat chested.
So my solution has been to intentionally demonstrate for a time that I actually should be wearing a bra. It sounds pretty crazy I'm sure and a lot of my friends are puzzled by this strategy. I suspect it is equally confusing for people at work. Really I've probably already made my point, but that still leaves the first issue. That I am not technically out. I really doubt anyone is going to understand my logic on this one, but at least I tried.
Today I heard the word "boobs" in hushed tones twice as I entered classrooms, and lots of indecipherable murmurs as kids glanced/smirked/stared in my general direction. The subject may not have been me, but the timing seems suspicious, and it happens often. I'm feeling self conscious but if I can hold out until the start of Christmas break, it's all going to get easier as I can settle into a normal presentation. If I can just pull this off a little longer without embarrassing myself it will all be fine.
Sometimes I wish I could move. I never have to think about this stuff in Lexington, where people don't know my past. This is just the most awkward place I could possibly be right now. I'm so self conscious about being perceived as male and it leaves me completely insecure. Worrying about the perception of everyone around me keeps me nervous and anxiety always runs high. There are a million instances that cause me no stress anywhere else in the world that leave me feeling inferior and ready to run away in this awkward in-between presentation, surrounded by people who have always perceived me as male. I so wish I could explain it better.
Let the psych analysis begin...
*~*~*~*~*~*
So the teacher said, "Wait until he- Wait 'til ... is done working on them!" I felt so sorry for her. The rumors are out there, and my presentation is mostly in order, yet I'm still not officially out. So awkward for everyone. It was very considerate of her to try avoiding "he", I think.
This pushing the edge of androgyny grows more awkward by the day. People who read my blog regularly are very familiar with my current mode of dress. Women's jeans, stretchy women's tops in gender neutral colors and necklines. I wear my hair as curly and voluminous as I wish, and I don't shy away from makeup, though I try not to get to carried away. Male elements? Pretty much just the shoes, or if it is very cold I sometime's use a men's button up shirt as a cover up part of the day. The shoes are a sort of odd hold out. As long as people are calling me he and I can't correct them, it just feels odd wearing something that makes a blatant gender statement. My clothes hint strongly at my gender, but by cut, shape and fit only. Most of the shoes in my wardrobe go well beyond that. It is the same for jewelry. My ears need re-pierced now, but, I would gladly wear studs to work, while the styles I actually prefer, I would probably never consider until out.
That probably sounds like an awkward enough presentation as it is, with people widely regarding me as male, with no word from me to the contrary. But the really odd part? I almost never wear a bra. There are two reasons. The first is much like the shoes, earrings, or tops of gender specific style. A bra generally can't be 100% hidden under the types of top I wear, and makes a very, very strong gender statement. The, other thing is that everyone there has seen me completely flat chested for 8 years, and suddenly rocking up to work wearing a bra, people would probably think I was faking having breasts. For some reason the idea of someone thinking that irritates me to no end. Being flat chested has always been a source of major embarrassment and insecurity for me. Of course I'm still fairly flat chested, but I'm not totally flat chested.
So my solution has been to intentionally demonstrate for a time that I actually should be wearing a bra. It sounds pretty crazy I'm sure and a lot of my friends are puzzled by this strategy. I suspect it is equally confusing for people at work. Really I've probably already made my point, but that still leaves the first issue. That I am not technically out. I really doubt anyone is going to understand my logic on this one, but at least I tried.
Today I heard the word "boobs" in hushed tones twice as I entered classrooms, and lots of indecipherable murmurs as kids glanced/smirked/stared in my general direction. The subject may not have been me, but the timing seems suspicious, and it happens often. I'm feeling self conscious but if I can hold out until the start of Christmas break, it's all going to get easier as I can settle into a normal presentation. If I can just pull this off a little longer without embarrassing myself it will all be fine.
Sometimes I wish I could move. I never have to think about this stuff in Lexington, where people don't know my past. This is just the most awkward place I could possibly be right now. I'm so self conscious about being perceived as male and it leaves me completely insecure. Worrying about the perception of everyone around me keeps me nervous and anxiety always runs high. There are a million instances that cause me no stress anywhere else in the world that leave me feeling inferior and ready to run away in this awkward in-between presentation, surrounded by people who have always perceived me as male. I so wish I could explain it better.
Let the psych analysis begin...
*~*~*~*~*~*
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
A Meeting...
This morning I went to work feeling great, for a Monday. Fresh off of a weekend in Lexington visiting my friends and taking in some much needed electrolysis, with a solid eight hours of sleep I was feeling ready for a productive day. Things started out very routine. I walked down to the library to get the specifics on a work order and chatted with the librarian for a bit about everything from hair to migraines, then returned to my desk to catch up on email.
The phone rang. I picked it up to find my boss on the line and suddenly things felt a little less routine and I was anxious. For the past few months I have felt out of the loop, and my boss never calls more than once per week.
After the briefest of hellos, he asked me to come down to the office. My routine Monday skidded to a halt. If he wanted to talk shop, he would do it over the phone, and for most types of meetings he would volunteer the specifics unprompted. I wanted to ask what was up, but if he didn't want to discuss it over the phone there was no point pressing the issue. I simply agreed. Whatever was happening, it was transition related. Was I being fired? Was someone complaining about my appearance? Was this going to be some sort of ultimatum?
I drove to the new technology office trying to remain calm. My heart was racing though. I was imagining more vividly than ever the choices I would have to make if I lost my job. My worries only solidified as I climbed the stairs to the new technology office in a former grade school building where my boss and the other technician have set up shop, their desks facing each other from opposite ends of what was once a classroom.
The distance between me and these two men has always been there to some degree, especially in the last year. But the new office is the premier sign of the near total communication break down that has come in the past months. They set up the move in private, told me of it barely before they intended to start packing, and didn't include me in the discussion of what resources would stay and which would go. Besides that, I was never invited. There were a few logical reasons for my remaining behind, but it was very clear to me at the time that I was not wanted here.
I opened the door without knocking and found my boss at his desk with the other tech standing alongside looking at the same screen. The tech nodded in my direction and announced my arrival to my boss in a low tone. I greeted them. My supervisor answered but the other tech did not. They continued their discussion then the tech left to work on something.
The conversation segued into things more directly effecting my work and eventually my boss mentioned that when things are slow at the high school I can help out in the main office with network administrative tasks. Then he suggested meeting weekly so that we can all stay coordinated. After these thoughts were explored briefly he mentioned the main reason for the visit. The Board's administrative staff was wanting to meet with me about my transition. I told him any day would be fine, and that I would send out an email to the meeting participants explaining things so that they could decide on their questions. He said they wanted to meet right away.
At this point my fear started to dissipate. He went on to tell me that they just wanted to find out what was going on and see if they could assist in making my transition more comfortable basically. I wasn't sure that was strictly all there was too it, but I felt ready emotionally, even if on a more concrete level I really had no idea what to say. Except for the shoes, I looked pretty presentable and was feeling confident after a great weekend with supportive friends. I could do this.
I walked into assistant superintendent's office and took a seat. My boss and the federal programs director were to attend as well, but they weren't in the room yet. The assistant super was very kind and conversational and we chatted about some issues he had setting up a new computer and peripherals for his Dad. He said he had thought about calling me for advice on it over the course of weekend.
Then my boss and the federal programs director arrived. We all chatted for a few moments, no one seeming to know quite how to broach the topic at hand. Eventually though the assistant super brought the meeting to order. During a lull in the conversation he just said he had called me in because he wanted to talk to me about my transition, which has become common knowledge. I smiled. It has indeed become common knowledge, and I was feeling a little silly for handling my transition in such an unusual way that they were approaching me about this instead of the other way round.
I explained that by the end of winter break I intended to go full time, and to have everything handled regarding my name change. I didn't really get into the details of what it means to be transgender, or a history of my transition to date. There were questions about my eventual operation and how much down time would be involved. They asked whether I am currently being harassed. I explained that mostly co-workers have treated me professionally and that harassment from students has fallen off sharply, basically no longer posing a problem.
The bathroom issue came up. I explained that I don't use student facilities for either gender currently and do not intend to in the future. I told them I would be using single occupant staff restrooms only, not bothering to mention a gender. They didn't ask for clarification, seeming mostly comfortable with that response. My boss mentioned that in my stage of transition the restroom situation must be awkward for me. I joked around about the men's room situations I've had, and everyone seemed to find it pretty humorous. I explained that outside the county where no one knows my past, such situations aren't awkward at all, as I can go into a women's restroom anywhere without it troubling anyone.
The federal programs director asked me how much more I intend to change the way I dress. I told her that generally I dress fairly casual and wear jeans and such at work because I never know which days will be desk work and when I could suddenly need to climb into a ceiling and run wires instead. I went on to say that on days that I wish to do something more dressy I will, within the limits of the dress code everyone else follows. We moved on to the next topic.
In the end they asked why I expected some degree of backlash once I went official, since there was really very little further presentation change on the way. I explained that by the time I went to the courthouse and requested a name change, finished taking the masculine elements out of my wardrobe and started requesting that people start using the right pronouns, that it probably would generate some interest.
They asked if there was anything they could do to make things easier. Continued employment and a cooperative attitude is plenty. I told them that I love my job and that being able to be myself without it interfering with my work was all I wanted.
As I said it I cried. The tears were almost brimming over. I'm glad I managed to keep them back because my mascara doesn't even border on water proof. There seemed to be a bit of an emotional response from almost everyone at this point.
The assistant super adjourned the meeting and the federal programs director gave me a hug and said she would help me anyway she can. I like everyone present at this meeting, but I also know things in this system tend to move with political undercurrents working below the surface and the ripples on top don't always truly imply what they immediately suggest. After the meeting adjourned no one left immediately except me.
I am very happy that they took the initiative and opened a dialog with me. I have been meaning to open communication for a few weeks now but have fallen behind on my timeline. Now I am suddenly back on schedule despite my inaction. I still need to decide how to make the staff in the district aware of the situation so that they know what is happening and how to address me. Should I handle it myself, or should I discuss it with central office now so that they can be prepared to send out something more official in my support, if they are willing?
Off hand I am think I would rather just send my own message to everyone and then deal with breaches in etiquette casually as they arise. To this point things have been slow and subtle, and I've counted on kindness and respect instead of trying to twist arms. It has worked and most people have responded well to me. Changing track now and insisting that the board require people to address me properly seems unnecessary.
However that pans out I'm so excited. No matter how things play out this is a huge step. :)
The phone rang. I picked it up to find my boss on the line and suddenly things felt a little less routine and I was anxious. For the past few months I have felt out of the loop, and my boss never calls more than once per week.
After the briefest of hellos, he asked me to come down to the office. My routine Monday skidded to a halt. If he wanted to talk shop, he would do it over the phone, and for most types of meetings he would volunteer the specifics unprompted. I wanted to ask what was up, but if he didn't want to discuss it over the phone there was no point pressing the issue. I simply agreed. Whatever was happening, it was transition related. Was I being fired? Was someone complaining about my appearance? Was this going to be some sort of ultimatum?
I drove to the new technology office trying to remain calm. My heart was racing though. I was imagining more vividly than ever the choices I would have to make if I lost my job. My worries only solidified as I climbed the stairs to the new technology office in a former grade school building where my boss and the other technician have set up shop, their desks facing each other from opposite ends of what was once a classroom.
The distance between me and these two men has always been there to some degree, especially in the last year. But the new office is the premier sign of the near total communication break down that has come in the past months. They set up the move in private, told me of it barely before they intended to start packing, and didn't include me in the discussion of what resources would stay and which would go. Besides that, I was never invited. There were a few logical reasons for my remaining behind, but it was very clear to me at the time that I was not wanted here.
I opened the door without knocking and found my boss at his desk with the other tech standing alongside looking at the same screen. The tech nodded in my direction and announced my arrival to my boss in a low tone. I greeted them. My supervisor answered but the other tech did not. They continued their discussion then the tech left to work on something.
The conversation segued into things more directly effecting my work and eventually my boss mentioned that when things are slow at the high school I can help out in the main office with network administrative tasks. Then he suggested meeting weekly so that we can all stay coordinated. After these thoughts were explored briefly he mentioned the main reason for the visit. The Board's administrative staff was wanting to meet with me about my transition. I told him any day would be fine, and that I would send out an email to the meeting participants explaining things so that they could decide on their questions. He said they wanted to meet right away.
At this point my fear started to dissipate. He went on to tell me that they just wanted to find out what was going on and see if they could assist in making my transition more comfortable basically. I wasn't sure that was strictly all there was too it, but I felt ready emotionally, even if on a more concrete level I really had no idea what to say. Except for the shoes, I looked pretty presentable and was feeling confident after a great weekend with supportive friends. I could do this.
I walked into assistant superintendent's office and took a seat. My boss and the federal programs director were to attend as well, but they weren't in the room yet. The assistant super was very kind and conversational and we chatted about some issues he had setting up a new computer and peripherals for his Dad. He said he had thought about calling me for advice on it over the course of weekend.
Then my boss and the federal programs director arrived. We all chatted for a few moments, no one seeming to know quite how to broach the topic at hand. Eventually though the assistant super brought the meeting to order. During a lull in the conversation he just said he had called me in because he wanted to talk to me about my transition, which has become common knowledge. I smiled. It has indeed become common knowledge, and I was feeling a little silly for handling my transition in such an unusual way that they were approaching me about this instead of the other way round.
I explained that by the end of winter break I intended to go full time, and to have everything handled regarding my name change. I didn't really get into the details of what it means to be transgender, or a history of my transition to date. There were questions about my eventual operation and how much down time would be involved. They asked whether I am currently being harassed. I explained that mostly co-workers have treated me professionally and that harassment from students has fallen off sharply, basically no longer posing a problem.
The bathroom issue came up. I explained that I don't use student facilities for either gender currently and do not intend to in the future. I told them I would be using single occupant staff restrooms only, not bothering to mention a gender. They didn't ask for clarification, seeming mostly comfortable with that response. My boss mentioned that in my stage of transition the restroom situation must be awkward for me. I joked around about the men's room situations I've had, and everyone seemed to find it pretty humorous. I explained that outside the county where no one knows my past, such situations aren't awkward at all, as I can go into a women's restroom anywhere without it troubling anyone.
The federal programs director asked me how much more I intend to change the way I dress. I told her that generally I dress fairly casual and wear jeans and such at work because I never know which days will be desk work and when I could suddenly need to climb into a ceiling and run wires instead. I went on to say that on days that I wish to do something more dressy I will, within the limits of the dress code everyone else follows. We moved on to the next topic.
In the end they asked why I expected some degree of backlash once I went official, since there was really very little further presentation change on the way. I explained that by the time I went to the courthouse and requested a name change, finished taking the masculine elements out of my wardrobe and started requesting that people start using the right pronouns, that it probably would generate some interest.
They asked if there was anything they could do to make things easier. Continued employment and a cooperative attitude is plenty. I told them that I love my job and that being able to be myself without it interfering with my work was all I wanted.
As I said it I cried. The tears were almost brimming over. I'm glad I managed to keep them back because my mascara doesn't even border on water proof. There seemed to be a bit of an emotional response from almost everyone at this point.
The assistant super adjourned the meeting and the federal programs director gave me a hug and said she would help me anyway she can. I like everyone present at this meeting, but I also know things in this system tend to move with political undercurrents working below the surface and the ripples on top don't always truly imply what they immediately suggest. After the meeting adjourned no one left immediately except me.
I am very happy that they took the initiative and opened a dialog with me. I have been meaning to open communication for a few weeks now but have fallen behind on my timeline. Now I am suddenly back on schedule despite my inaction. I still need to decide how to make the staff in the district aware of the situation so that they know what is happening and how to address me. Should I handle it myself, or should I discuss it with central office now so that they can be prepared to send out something more official in my support, if they are willing?
Off hand I am think I would rather just send my own message to everyone and then deal with breaches in etiquette casually as they arise. To this point things have been slow and subtle, and I've counted on kindness and respect instead of trying to twist arms. It has worked and most people have responded well to me. Changing track now and insisting that the board require people to address me properly seems unnecessary.
However that pans out I'm so excited. No matter how things play out this is a huge step. :)
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