A sampling of my new work wardrobe stuff.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Shopping and Catching Up With Friends
I haven't gotten to hang out with my two favorite local friends very much lately. So when (hmm, lets make up some names....) Jack and Diane invited me out of town last Saturday I jumped at the chance!
The trip was required for Jack, who had an all day meeting. That left Diane and I with a girl's day out sort of situation, which was just awesome! We had lots of time to chat and catch up, ate some Taco Bell for lunch in the car, sat on a bench on the college campus for a long chat, and drove around checking out the town. It was all just great.
But the highpoint was the shopping. We hit Factory Connection and the merchandise and prices were amazing. I've mentioned for a while now that I need work clothes and that I have a hard time shopping for them. When I think about work I always imagine that I'm going to be under my co-workers' microscope and completely over analyzed this January. Thinking about it makes me feel a need to over-analyze too, and to make sure every purchase is inscrutable.
When I walked into this store, I was hit with much the same feeling. I just started going through the racks, feeling overwhelmed by all the worries. Shopping for clothes is easy. Shopping for acceptance-not so much.
Diane was great though and helped me get past it. She started pointing out things she knew I would like. She was so excited about all of her finds and the enthusiasm was contagious. Before long, I was actually picking out pieces to too, and once the dressing room was unlocked and I had tried on a few things, I was pretty much unstoppable!
I ended up with stuff that is work appropriate, flattering and very much in sync with my sense of style. I didn't hold back and this trip marks a complete departure from the androgynous clothing choices I've made in the past few months. I think I am geared up for the entire winter season now. After winter break I will be full time, and my limited wardrobe was one of the biggest remaining hurdles. It is very exciting to finally have that sorted. I love the way I look in all these clothes too, which helps my confidence. And coming out at work, confidence is always a good thing. :)
After Jack got out he had Taco Bell too, and then we hit the next town over and shopped Burke's Outlet. Jack and Diane walked around checking out the whole store. I had a very specific purpose in mind though. For my coming out I have clothes, shoes and outerwear all covered. But I needed a nice versatile bag.
In the end I found a brown metallic Kathy Van Zeeland bag at an outrageously low price. It is probably the nicest bag I have ever had, and the color should prove versatile.
I've really always wanted the convenience of being able to carry a bag. I stopped carrying men's wallets two years ago, and since then everything I carry on a daily basis gets shuffled between coat boxes, the car glove box, pants pockets, desk drawers and my laptop case all day. Then on weekends when I am out, it all gets migrated into luggage and purses. Its very hard to keep up with anything this way.
It is going to be so wild, being able to just put everything in a bag and always know where it is. As my first bag for every day carry, I'll probably end up developing quit an attachment to it. I also got a wallet and a 7 day pill box to take care of my remaining storage needs.
In Burke's we ran into one of my co-workers, who was, according to Jack and Diane, sneaking around trying to get a good enough look to positively identify me. I really wasn't dressed for greeting co-workers, in much less androgynous clothing than I generally pick for around the office. They are used to turtlenecks, crew necks and such, not off the shoulder cowl necks and embroidered stretchy jeans with rhinestones all the way down the sides. I could not leave the bag though, so I decided to take my chances and check out anyway. She ended up striking up a conversation with Jack and Diane as they waited in line behind me and I knew at that point I had definitely been made. I still didn't turn around though. I'm full time in just a few work weeks and the game is up. No worries!
After Burke's we all got sandwiches at Penn Station (where they wrote me up as Shana yet again.) Then we headed home for an evening of chatting and watching movies. We picked Avatar, which turned out to be a bit of a let down. Diane pointed out some similarities between it and Pocahontas and we ended up making fun of most of the first half. Then the movie got more serious and I ended up getting drawn in despite all the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 type commentary, and the presence of umpteen gazziolion cliches, from the bad ass marine with a heart of gold, to the stereotypical tomboy femme fatale pilot, and General Duke Nukem.
I stayed over night and Sunday we watched Steel Magnolias, which I could write a whole separate blog on. I have an acne spot beside my right eye that probably has something to do with all the crying I did. Steve fell asleep. LOL!
We spent the last part of the evening on a technical project for Diane's class. I love that sort of thing so I enjoyed helping out, and learned some software stuff I didn't know too!
Monday morning it was hard to believe the weekend was over, but it was only a two day week and I was feeling so confident had happy after the wonderful weekend. I was very productive and happy for those two days.
In the hall during the last class change of the day a student stopped me. "I saw you this weekend!" she exclaimed happily.
"Oh, where at?" I asked, more curious than alarmed.
"Burke's."
"Oh yeh!" I said, and waved as I made my way down the hall.
The trip was required for Jack, who had an all day meeting. That left Diane and I with a girl's day out sort of situation, which was just awesome! We had lots of time to chat and catch up, ate some Taco Bell for lunch in the car, sat on a bench on the college campus for a long chat, and drove around checking out the town. It was all just great.
But the highpoint was the shopping. We hit Factory Connection and the merchandise and prices were amazing. I've mentioned for a while now that I need work clothes and that I have a hard time shopping for them. When I think about work I always imagine that I'm going to be under my co-workers' microscope and completely over analyzed this January. Thinking about it makes me feel a need to over-analyze too, and to make sure every purchase is inscrutable.
When I walked into this store, I was hit with much the same feeling. I just started going through the racks, feeling overwhelmed by all the worries. Shopping for clothes is easy. Shopping for acceptance-not so much.
Diane was great though and helped me get past it. She started pointing out things she knew I would like. She was so excited about all of her finds and the enthusiasm was contagious. Before long, I was actually picking out pieces to too, and once the dressing room was unlocked and I had tried on a few things, I was pretty much unstoppable!
I ended up with stuff that is work appropriate, flattering and very much in sync with my sense of style. I didn't hold back and this trip marks a complete departure from the androgynous clothing choices I've made in the past few months. I think I am geared up for the entire winter season now. After winter break I will be full time, and my limited wardrobe was one of the biggest remaining hurdles. It is very exciting to finally have that sorted. I love the way I look in all these clothes too, which helps my confidence. And coming out at work, confidence is always a good thing. :)
After Jack got out he had Taco Bell too, and then we hit the next town over and shopped Burke's Outlet. Jack and Diane walked around checking out the whole store. I had a very specific purpose in mind though. For my coming out I have clothes, shoes and outerwear all covered. But I needed a nice versatile bag.
In the end I found a brown metallic Kathy Van Zeeland bag at an outrageously low price. It is probably the nicest bag I have ever had, and the color should prove versatile.
I've really always wanted the convenience of being able to carry a bag. I stopped carrying men's wallets two years ago, and since then everything I carry on a daily basis gets shuffled between coat boxes, the car glove box, pants pockets, desk drawers and my laptop case all day. Then on weekends when I am out, it all gets migrated into luggage and purses. Its very hard to keep up with anything this way.
It is going to be so wild, being able to just put everything in a bag and always know where it is. As my first bag for every day carry, I'll probably end up developing quit an attachment to it. I also got a wallet and a 7 day pill box to take care of my remaining storage needs.
In Burke's we ran into one of my co-workers, who was, according to Jack and Diane, sneaking around trying to get a good enough look to positively identify me. I really wasn't dressed for greeting co-workers, in much less androgynous clothing than I generally pick for around the office. They are used to turtlenecks, crew necks and such, not off the shoulder cowl necks and embroidered stretchy jeans with rhinestones all the way down the sides. I could not leave the bag though, so I decided to take my chances and check out anyway. She ended up striking up a conversation with Jack and Diane as they waited in line behind me and I knew at that point I had definitely been made. I still didn't turn around though. I'm full time in just a few work weeks and the game is up. No worries!
After Burke's we all got sandwiches at Penn Station (where they wrote me up as Shana yet again.) Then we headed home for an evening of chatting and watching movies. We picked Avatar, which turned out to be a bit of a let down. Diane pointed out some similarities between it and Pocahontas and we ended up making fun of most of the first half. Then the movie got more serious and I ended up getting drawn in despite all the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 type commentary, and the presence of umpteen gazziolion cliches, from the bad ass marine with a heart of gold, to the stereotypical tomboy femme fatale pilot, and General Duke Nukem.
I stayed over night and Sunday we watched Steel Magnolias, which I could write a whole separate blog on. I have an acne spot beside my right eye that probably has something to do with all the crying I did. Steve fell asleep. LOL!
We spent the last part of the evening on a technical project for Diane's class. I love that sort of thing so I enjoyed helping out, and learned some software stuff I didn't know too!
Monday morning it was hard to believe the weekend was over, but it was only a two day week and I was feeling so confident had happy after the wonderful weekend. I was very productive and happy for those two days.
In the hall during the last class change of the day a student stopped me. "I saw you this weekend!" she exclaimed happily.
"Oh, where at?" I asked, more curious than alarmed.
"Burke's."
"Oh yeh!" I said, and waved as I made my way down the hall.
These dreams move on.
Is it cloak 'n dagger?
Could it be spring or fall?
I walk without a cut,
through a stained glass wall.
Weaker in my eyesight,
the candle in my grip,
and words that have no form
are falling from my lips.
-Heart
A few months ago I wrote a silly blog about a romantic dream I had. In the comments I ended up discussing the snake dream that used to wake me often. It started happening in my childhood. In the dream I was always walking somewhere and would suddenly spot a coiled snake in range to strike. Then I would start running but everywhere I went there would be more and more snakes. I would run past them faster and faster, my speed making it harder to spot them on time to stop or turn before being bitten.
In the comments last time I mentioned that those dreams started to happen less often after I started transition and eventually ceased all together.
Last week I dreamed about snakes again for the first time in two years. It started the same as ever. I was walking along, this time through my parents' house, and happened upon a partially hidden snake at close range. Normally my mind would have cast it as a threat and I would have began running and then my subconscious would have generated more snakes to terrorize me as I ran. This time though something different happened. My sleeping brain decided to cast it as a pet. As I looked at the snake, I knew I was supposed to take care of it. I was somewhat afraid of the snake, but I felt responsible for it. As it crawled around the house, I had to keep the dogs from killing it, keep it away from Kupo, my parrot, and try to protect it form people who might accidentally step on a creature of such short stature.
Toward the end I rolled over the back part of its tail with an office chair and I was absolutely terrified that I might have hurt the snake and was doing my best to nurture and mend the poor thing.
I'm not big on dream interpretation but when you have a scary dream all of your life, then it quits happening, and the object of your dream returns cast in a totally different light, it is hard for even a skeptic not to wonder if there is some meaning behind it.
Maybe the snake represents my gender issues, and while I was terrified and running, I am now trying to address those issues, to take care of it. That is sort of like the snake I suppose. Last time this was discussed in blog comments I looked up a meaning that suggested snakes are often guardians in dreams, locking away primal parts of your nature. I am a woman and I kept that locked away and tried not to face it for years. Maybe the snakes in my previous dreams were guardians of that locked away portion of my nature, and now that I've accepted and begun to express my gender I don't need fearsome guardians to bar that door any more so my sleeping brain now casts the snake in a different light
At any rate, I was terrified of those dreams as a child, and ran from the snakes several times a month well into adulthood. Then as I started to come to terms with my gender issues the dreams stopped. And now, on the cusp of presenting full time in my proper gender, the snake is back in my dreams but I'm not running. I'm nurturing it. That shift from fear to nurture is what makes it so intriguing to me.
There have been lots of other shifts in my dreams too. My own physical manifestation in dreams has always been very closely tied to reality. I was always cast physically male, but not happy with it. I never dreamed of an idealized me, but rather of the image that haunted me in the mirror daily in my waking life. The same was true with my treatment in dreams by other people. Much as in real life, I was generally treated as male.
When I started going part time, it changed a little. Sometimes I would be cast in that role, and I would be wondering in my dreams if I was getting clocked and if I was about to get outed. Sometimes there were moments in dreams when I would be talking to some imaginary dream person and they would realize my biological origins and their demeanor would change. Just like in reality. All the fears in my real life follow me into my dreams with a very direct representation with no symbolism really involved.
Now as my confidence builds, I'm generally socially accepted as a girl in my dreams, and the fears of being outed aren't there as often. I'm troubled by such thoughts less when I am encountering new people in reality, so I guess it makes sense that such fears have less impact on my dreams now.
Since lots of things are represented directly in my dreams, it seems logical that the snakes might actually represent snakes and noting more. I have always been afraid of them. But if so the sudden change in the snake's role in my dream doesn't make any sense. I saw one in person toward the end of this summer and my heart was racing. As I settled afterward I actually felt shaky, stiff, and a bit dizzy. So the new dream definitely isn't based on a new bravery toward the concept of snakes. :P
To me the whole thing feels like some sort of subconscious graduation. LOL!
Could it be spring or fall?
I walk without a cut,
through a stained glass wall.
Weaker in my eyesight,
the candle in my grip,
and words that have no form
are falling from my lips.
-Heart
A few months ago I wrote a silly blog about a romantic dream I had. In the comments I ended up discussing the snake dream that used to wake me often. It started happening in my childhood. In the dream I was always walking somewhere and would suddenly spot a coiled snake in range to strike. Then I would start running but everywhere I went there would be more and more snakes. I would run past them faster and faster, my speed making it harder to spot them on time to stop or turn before being bitten.
In the comments last time I mentioned that those dreams started to happen less often after I started transition and eventually ceased all together.
Last week I dreamed about snakes again for the first time in two years. It started the same as ever. I was walking along, this time through my parents' house, and happened upon a partially hidden snake at close range. Normally my mind would have cast it as a threat and I would have began running and then my subconscious would have generated more snakes to terrorize me as I ran. This time though something different happened. My sleeping brain decided to cast it as a pet. As I looked at the snake, I knew I was supposed to take care of it. I was somewhat afraid of the snake, but I felt responsible for it. As it crawled around the house, I had to keep the dogs from killing it, keep it away from Kupo, my parrot, and try to protect it form people who might accidentally step on a creature of such short stature.
Toward the end I rolled over the back part of its tail with an office chair and I was absolutely terrified that I might have hurt the snake and was doing my best to nurture and mend the poor thing.
I'm not big on dream interpretation but when you have a scary dream all of your life, then it quits happening, and the object of your dream returns cast in a totally different light, it is hard for even a skeptic not to wonder if there is some meaning behind it.
Maybe the snake represents my gender issues, and while I was terrified and running, I am now trying to address those issues, to take care of it. That is sort of like the snake I suppose. Last time this was discussed in blog comments I looked up a meaning that suggested snakes are often guardians in dreams, locking away primal parts of your nature. I am a woman and I kept that locked away and tried not to face it for years. Maybe the snakes in my previous dreams were guardians of that locked away portion of my nature, and now that I've accepted and begun to express my gender I don't need fearsome guardians to bar that door any more so my sleeping brain now casts the snake in a different light
At any rate, I was terrified of those dreams as a child, and ran from the snakes several times a month well into adulthood. Then as I started to come to terms with my gender issues the dreams stopped. And now, on the cusp of presenting full time in my proper gender, the snake is back in my dreams but I'm not running. I'm nurturing it. That shift from fear to nurture is what makes it so intriguing to me.
There have been lots of other shifts in my dreams too. My own physical manifestation in dreams has always been very closely tied to reality. I was always cast physically male, but not happy with it. I never dreamed of an idealized me, but rather of the image that haunted me in the mirror daily in my waking life. The same was true with my treatment in dreams by other people. Much as in real life, I was generally treated as male.
When I started going part time, it changed a little. Sometimes I would be cast in that role, and I would be wondering in my dreams if I was getting clocked and if I was about to get outed. Sometimes there were moments in dreams when I would be talking to some imaginary dream person and they would realize my biological origins and their demeanor would change. Just like in reality. All the fears in my real life follow me into my dreams with a very direct representation with no symbolism really involved.
Now as my confidence builds, I'm generally socially accepted as a girl in my dreams, and the fears of being outed aren't there as often. I'm troubled by such thoughts less when I am encountering new people in reality, so I guess it makes sense that such fears have less impact on my dreams now.
Since lots of things are represented directly in my dreams, it seems logical that the snakes might actually represent snakes and noting more. I have always been afraid of them. But if so the sudden change in the snake's role in my dream doesn't make any sense. I saw one in person toward the end of this summer and my heart was racing. As I settled afterward I actually felt shaky, stiff, and a bit dizzy. So the new dream definitely isn't based on a new bravery toward the concept of snakes. :P
To me the whole thing feels like some sort of subconscious graduation. LOL!
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