I am sitting at my Mom and Dad's house. Warm because of electricity they pay for. Cozy on my bed, which is truly not mine. Feeling comfortable and safe in this environment that has always felt to me, like home.
My thoughts often turn to the question of how, at my age, I have let myself become so dependent. With my current job, the expensive early portions of transition would be out of reach if I were living in my own place. The only reason I can do what I am doing is because I am welcome here. Yet, if my parents actually knew the extent of my plans, would I be welcome? If they knew how far I have already come, would they insist that I either stop or leave. Frighteningly, I will have my answers soon. Because I can not advance much farther toward my goals without detection.
I feel so comfortable here, that sometimes even now it is hard to accept that in the coming weeks my home could be at the center of an emotional explosion; a grand parting of ways. Because the time has come for the truth, and whatever consequences follow.
I don't remember ever having so many momentous events, both positive and negative, looming on the horizon. The positives are all just wonderful. Things that even just two years ago, I would have never thought possible. I've had some very successful and enjoyable outings. My hormone experiment is working out nicely. I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been in my life. And I'm really excited about where things are going. RIght now, even when I am in drab, forced to live my day to life as a guy, I am still myself. I barely change my voice. My postures, gestures, walk and everything are my own, most of the time.
But the biggest news of all, is that I finally have my long awaited endocrinologist referral! Tomorrow I will be calling to see if a copy has arrived at the clinic. And if so I will be taking the next available appointment. Then hopefully I am only a few meetings away from having the blood work and prescriptions I need. Then with proper monitoring, and safer injectable estrogen, I can have safer, faster transitioning from this point forward.
But as wonderful as all this is, the referral gives rise to some of the fears and stresses that vie to control my mood. This clinic is open only on weekdays. So my days of sneaking around on the weekend for all my transition related activities are almost at an end. Living with my parents, in a very small community, there is no way I can go to weekday appointments two hours away without them knowing something major is happening.
So after keeping my pseudo-male life, and my transition compartmentalized to this point, it is unfortunately time for the walls to come down. Letting Mom and Dad know whats going on is a scary thought. They could deliver the "if you are going to live under our roof then you must do what we say" ultimatum that I fear. Or they could choose to let me stay here through early transition, which is what I really want so much. I would love to have their support through these scary early steps. Either way the conversations leading to their choice are almost certainly going to be painful for all involved.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Etude #1: A Deception
I have been meaning to write for such a long time now. And there are a few things happening to write about. But at the moment I find myself thinking not of my current situation, but things in my recent past.
I typed an email today. One I have put off sending for such a long time. It was an apology, to someone I used to count as a very dear friend. An apology long overdue, for a deception past.
All my life, I wanted deep down to be treated like the other girls. I wanted to be able to spend time with women without them getting the wrong idea. I wanted men to see me, not just as one of the guys. I wanted the attention the other girls got. I needed to be able to talk about fashion, and movies, and show my feelings and the way I truly think, without being written off as a "priss" or a "fag". Deep down I knew in my heart I was a woman. And my body didn't feel right to me. Everything was just so wrong, and so far past the hope of correction that I spent a lot of time just daydreaming I could be who I knew I was meant to be. I would dream that over night I was magically transformed, and that the boys who thought I was one of them would look at me the way I wanted. And the girls would treat me like one of their own kind. And we could just laugh and joke for hours, and talk fashion and hair. Oh, and they would be jealous of me, because for once, I would be the pretty one. Er, but anyway!
The point is, I spent lots of time daydreaming that I could just be a normal girl all through my youth, and early adulthood, as I came in and out of purges along the way. But sometimes, the daydreams just were not enough. And at points I have turned to the internet. The one place where I could talk to real people, and it was ok to be me. My physical realities did not matter. I could be myself, and people could imagine me how they wished. It just wouldn't matter. And so it was that at one point I found myself in an online game, falling hard for a guy, who had totally the wrong impression of me.
It started innocently enough. We were grouped together in an online game. And of course my avatar was femme. And of course, me being starved for attention, came off a little flirty. And for whatever reason he found me interesting, even without seeing me. He was not a desperate guy, nor a horny cyber sexing type. Just a sweet, intelligent, wonderful guy. With a daughter, and a girlfriend, and a nice full life. Not someone trolling the internet for girls, I believe, is the point I need to make.
I wasn't really trying to lie, or to use anyone. If someone asked what I looked like I would tell them I was 5 foot 11, string bean thin, plain, with poofy boring brown hair and no figure. I just really was not out to misrepresent. But when someone asked the key question. "Are you a boy or a girl? I could never bring myself to tell the whole truth. I always justified it to myself. As I saw it, I am a girl. And the technicalities of what sort of girl were really no one's business. Only, if you are going to get emotionally attached to someone, and let someone become emotionally attached to you, then it is their business. And they should know up front. I just wish I had known then.
I had a lot of good friend's. Some guys, some girls. But the one guy. When we were online we were inseparable. I had many openings just to admit the truth and face the consequences, before we both got too emotionally attached. But I could not. I enjoyed the attention too much. And I just found him so irresistible.
After we had known each other a long time, he would play at ridiculous hours and go to work sleep deprived, to have time with me. And then he started hinting that I should come visit. And finally he stopped hinting and started offering me tickets and inviting me to specific events.
I'm crying now thinking about it. Because I wished so much I could go. I wished I was everything I had let him believe.
I just did not know what to say. I had let things go too far, and it felt too late for the truth. I decided to simply disappear rather than face the mess I had made. I could have faced the consequences, if I would have been perceived as a girl still at least. But having him suddenly thinking of me as a guy was more than I could handle.
So I did the most selfish thing I could have done. I just disappeared, and ignored every email. I did not want to lead him on farther. And I could not cope with dropping my deception and have him think of me as a man.
Lately I have been thinking about all the friends I used to have online back when my only chance to put away the male charade, were the moments I was hiding behind my keyboard and avatar. Those were sad times. And thinking back on them now, there is as much guilt and shame as there ever was. It was such a childish way to deal with my problems. Instead of taking control of my life and becoming who I am meant to be, I just hid behind daydreams and fantasies. And at my worst, pulled people into that fantasy.
I still have not explained anything to him. The email I wrote today was rather to someone who was a mutual friend. In my letter I finally came clean. I was very open, and honest about my circumstances, even sending photos. I told him I wanted to tell his friend everything and apologize, but that I could not yet.
I was probably better off leaving well enough alone. I'm probably nothing but a distant memory to either of them now. But I have been thinking about it so much lately. I hate it that I was ashamed of who I am, enough to lie, and selfish enough to hurt someone, just to get treated the way I wish. And so today I decided I had to take the first steps toward coming clean. Even if everyone else involved has forgotten by now, I felt I had to do the mature thing and tell the truth.
And with that I close. I guess every one will think less of me for even writing this. To some people it will seem ridiculous getting so dramatic over an online relationship in a video game. But it was so very real to me. And I'm so sure I meant a lot to him too. And some of you will probably think the whole thing was pathetic and childish. It was. But I was at a very lonely and desperate point in my life. As I often say, I do not mean it as a justification, but merely, an explanation.
I typed an email today. One I have put off sending for such a long time. It was an apology, to someone I used to count as a very dear friend. An apology long overdue, for a deception past.
All my life, I wanted deep down to be treated like the other girls. I wanted to be able to spend time with women without them getting the wrong idea. I wanted men to see me, not just as one of the guys. I wanted the attention the other girls got. I needed to be able to talk about fashion, and movies, and show my feelings and the way I truly think, without being written off as a "priss" or a "fag". Deep down I knew in my heart I was a woman. And my body didn't feel right to me. Everything was just so wrong, and so far past the hope of correction that I spent a lot of time just daydreaming I could be who I knew I was meant to be. I would dream that over night I was magically transformed, and that the boys who thought I was one of them would look at me the way I wanted. And the girls would treat me like one of their own kind. And we could just laugh and joke for hours, and talk fashion and hair. Oh, and they would be jealous of me, because for once, I would be the pretty one. Er, but anyway!
The point is, I spent lots of time daydreaming that I could just be a normal girl all through my youth, and early adulthood, as I came in and out of purges along the way. But sometimes, the daydreams just were not enough. And at points I have turned to the internet. The one place where I could talk to real people, and it was ok to be me. My physical realities did not matter. I could be myself, and people could imagine me how they wished. It just wouldn't matter. And so it was that at one point I found myself in an online game, falling hard for a guy, who had totally the wrong impression of me.
It started innocently enough. We were grouped together in an online game. And of course my avatar was femme. And of course, me being starved for attention, came off a little flirty. And for whatever reason he found me interesting, even without seeing me. He was not a desperate guy, nor a horny cyber sexing type. Just a sweet, intelligent, wonderful guy. With a daughter, and a girlfriend, and a nice full life. Not someone trolling the internet for girls, I believe, is the point I need to make.
I wasn't really trying to lie, or to use anyone. If someone asked what I looked like I would tell them I was 5 foot 11, string bean thin, plain, with poofy boring brown hair and no figure. I just really was not out to misrepresent. But when someone asked the key question. "Are you a boy or a girl? I could never bring myself to tell the whole truth. I always justified it to myself. As I saw it, I am a girl. And the technicalities of what sort of girl were really no one's business. Only, if you are going to get emotionally attached to someone, and let someone become emotionally attached to you, then it is their business. And they should know up front. I just wish I had known then.
I had a lot of good friend's. Some guys, some girls. But the one guy. When we were online we were inseparable. I had many openings just to admit the truth and face the consequences, before we both got too emotionally attached. But I could not. I enjoyed the attention too much. And I just found him so irresistible.
After we had known each other a long time, he would play at ridiculous hours and go to work sleep deprived, to have time with me. And then he started hinting that I should come visit. And finally he stopped hinting and started offering me tickets and inviting me to specific events.
I'm crying now thinking about it. Because I wished so much I could go. I wished I was everything I had let him believe.
I just did not know what to say. I had let things go too far, and it felt too late for the truth. I decided to simply disappear rather than face the mess I had made. I could have faced the consequences, if I would have been perceived as a girl still at least. But having him suddenly thinking of me as a guy was more than I could handle.
So I did the most selfish thing I could have done. I just disappeared, and ignored every email. I did not want to lead him on farther. And I could not cope with dropping my deception and have him think of me as a man.
Lately I have been thinking about all the friends I used to have online back when my only chance to put away the male charade, were the moments I was hiding behind my keyboard and avatar. Those were sad times. And thinking back on them now, there is as much guilt and shame as there ever was. It was such a childish way to deal with my problems. Instead of taking control of my life and becoming who I am meant to be, I just hid behind daydreams and fantasies. And at my worst, pulled people into that fantasy.
I still have not explained anything to him. The email I wrote today was rather to someone who was a mutual friend. In my letter I finally came clean. I was very open, and honest about my circumstances, even sending photos. I told him I wanted to tell his friend everything and apologize, but that I could not yet.
I was probably better off leaving well enough alone. I'm probably nothing but a distant memory to either of them now. But I have been thinking about it so much lately. I hate it that I was ashamed of who I am, enough to lie, and selfish enough to hurt someone, just to get treated the way I wish. And so today I decided I had to take the first steps toward coming clean. Even if everyone else involved has forgotten by now, I felt I had to do the mature thing and tell the truth.
And with that I close. I guess every one will think less of me for even writing this. To some people it will seem ridiculous getting so dramatic over an online relationship in a video game. But it was so very real to me. And I'm so sure I meant a lot to him too. And some of you will probably think the whole thing was pathetic and childish. It was. But I was at a very lonely and desperate point in my life. As I often say, I do not mean it as a justification, but merely, an explanation.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Carol From a Butterfly
As noon approaches on this Christmas morning, I sit alone in my parent's den. And I feel so relaxed and content. This time of year is usually painful for me. With my birthday coming in a few days, and then New Year's shortly after that. Two events that always remind me of how fleeting life is, and how little time there is to sort things out. Much like a genetic female reaches a point where she has a strong awareness of her biological clock, I have in recent years heard my transition clock ticking away the days and years.
But this year, even with my birthday approaching, the clock tick is unusually faint. I think it has tormented me so much until now because I could always look back over the year, and see that time was leaving me behind while I was accomplishing nothing. But looking back on this year, I am very excited with my rate of progress for the first time in my life. The feeling is simply wonderful.
But the quieting of that clock is not the only reason I feel so at peace. There are all my new friends. Debbie, who has taught me so much and just really helped me figure out how cosmetics and put together a look that has given me new confidence. Tina and Leslie, who have just been incredibly encouraging and have been great company both online and off. And all my online friends. Some good transgender reading or a nice chat can be so therapeutic when I am in situations where there is no one I can really share my thoughts with in person. And of course my two traveling companions, who have been with me nearly from the beginning.
It has been the best christmas season ever for me. I was out last weekend with Tina, Debbie, and my two friends I do not get to name. I had a great counseling session, going over the details to round out my hormone referral. We did makeovers at Debbie's. There was a really good meal at Cheddar's. Tina and I both had tilapia alexander and some corona's. Just excellent, but a little pricey! Emma from Sienna came along as well. We have been to some of the same meetings but is the first time we have ever really talked. She is a full time TS, who has been all the way through SRS. At one point she told me she was very impressed with the way I conduct myself in public. I was absolutely over the moon. I'm very self conscious and the slightest compliment is always very encouraging for me.
The makeovers went very well. I got my new concealer/foundation strategy right for the first time ever, and I think I looked better than I ever have in my life. I also pinned most of my hair back with a silver hair band, and wore my glasses and a couple of items of silver costume jewelry. My outfit consisted of my favorite jeans and a nice black button up blouse with a ruched front, 3/4 sleeves and nice prominent collars. I think it all came together very well and I was more comfortable in public than ever in my life.
After Cheddar's, and doing makeovers and splitting a bottle of wine at Debbie's, we went to the Sienna TS support group meeting, which was wonderful. Finished the night with our customary late night dinner at the Bristol. Crab cakes for me as always. :)
After all that, we rode back to Debbie's house and I took care of some Mary Kay christmas shopping. By the time we left it was extremely late, and we arrived home at 4 am. My only regret for the day is that I didn't get photos of my friends. Or me! I felt better about myself than I ever have, and a photo to remember it by would have been nice.
I went back home from Richmond on Sunday, but not without one last Christmas surprise. My friends presented me with this amazing gown. Its very dressy and I will not have much occasion to wear it, but its so beautiful. And the fit is spectacular from head to toe. Sometimes I wonder how much of the body changes I attribute to estrogen are all in my head. And putting on a dress made for a genetic girl, and finding it to fit this nicely on me, gives me so much hope that my body really is changing in very positive ways. I'm possibly going to be a guest at a gender bash prom soon, and this is very likely what I will wear!
Christmas itself was nice. Mom and Dad liked their presents. Mom and I are getting along. My presents hurt my feelings a little, because there were men's gloves and a men's shirt included. Guess I was holding out for some Christmas Miracle, with my parents choosing a gift that would show acceptance of me, like maybe a nice purse or something. But that would be far too much to hope for. But my transition is quietly under way, and we are all getting along for now. And everyone was pleased with my present selections so I'm very happy.
The transgender experience is often compared to the life cycle of a butterfly. And I've always loved that analogy, but it makes more sense to me lately than ever. Because I do feel like I spent my formative years like a caterpillar. Earthbound, hoping for better things that seemed out of reach. And I finally locked myself away emotionally in a dark cocoon. So many years of no one truly getting inside, as I struggled to find myself. And this year I finally tore out of that cocoon, to see that in the outside world I am not alone.
Its true I need lots more physical change, but I think the biggest changest are all emotional. Self realization, self acceptancce. Casting away unfair guilt and shame and finding yourself free to express. That is stripping away the coccoon.
When butterflies first emerge they have a period where they sit on the branch as the pigment fills their wings. That is how my physical transition feels to me. I'm out of my cocoon and on the branch, and the pigment is slowly flowing. I'm batting my wings in the wind, stretching my muscles, and next year I will finally test my wings.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!
Shan'
But this year, even with my birthday approaching, the clock tick is unusually faint. I think it has tormented me so much until now because I could always look back over the year, and see that time was leaving me behind while I was accomplishing nothing. But looking back on this year, I am very excited with my rate of progress for the first time in my life. The feeling is simply wonderful.
But the quieting of that clock is not the only reason I feel so at peace. There are all my new friends. Debbie, who has taught me so much and just really helped me figure out how cosmetics and put together a look that has given me new confidence. Tina and Leslie, who have just been incredibly encouraging and have been great company both online and off. And all my online friends. Some good transgender reading or a nice chat can be so therapeutic when I am in situations where there is no one I can really share my thoughts with in person. And of course my two traveling companions, who have been with me nearly from the beginning.
It has been the best christmas season ever for me. I was out last weekend with Tina, Debbie, and my two friends I do not get to name. I had a great counseling session, going over the details to round out my hormone referral. We did makeovers at Debbie's. There was a really good meal at Cheddar's. Tina and I both had tilapia alexander and some corona's. Just excellent, but a little pricey! Emma from Sienna came along as well. We have been to some of the same meetings but is the first time we have ever really talked. She is a full time TS, who has been all the way through SRS. At one point she told me she was very impressed with the way I conduct myself in public. I was absolutely over the moon. I'm very self conscious and the slightest compliment is always very encouraging for me.
The makeovers went very well. I got my new concealer/foundation strategy right for the first time ever, and I think I looked better than I ever have in my life. I also pinned most of my hair back with a silver hair band, and wore my glasses and a couple of items of silver costume jewelry. My outfit consisted of my favorite jeans and a nice black button up blouse with a ruched front, 3/4 sleeves and nice prominent collars. I think it all came together very well and I was more comfortable in public than ever in my life.
After Cheddar's, and doing makeovers and splitting a bottle of wine at Debbie's, we went to the Sienna TS support group meeting, which was wonderful. Finished the night with our customary late night dinner at the Bristol. Crab cakes for me as always. :)
After all that, we rode back to Debbie's house and I took care of some Mary Kay christmas shopping. By the time we left it was extremely late, and we arrived home at 4 am. My only regret for the day is that I didn't get photos of my friends. Or me! I felt better about myself than I ever have, and a photo to remember it by would have been nice.
I went back home from Richmond on Sunday, but not without one last Christmas surprise. My friends presented me with this amazing gown. Its very dressy and I will not have much occasion to wear it, but its so beautiful. And the fit is spectacular from head to toe. Sometimes I wonder how much of the body changes I attribute to estrogen are all in my head. And putting on a dress made for a genetic girl, and finding it to fit this nicely on me, gives me so much hope that my body really is changing in very positive ways. I'm possibly going to be a guest at a gender bash prom soon, and this is very likely what I will wear!
Christmas itself was nice. Mom and Dad liked their presents. Mom and I are getting along. My presents hurt my feelings a little, because there were men's gloves and a men's shirt included. Guess I was holding out for some Christmas Miracle, with my parents choosing a gift that would show acceptance of me, like maybe a nice purse or something. But that would be far too much to hope for. But my transition is quietly under way, and we are all getting along for now. And everyone was pleased with my present selections so I'm very happy.
The transgender experience is often compared to the life cycle of a butterfly. And I've always loved that analogy, but it makes more sense to me lately than ever. Because I do feel like I spent my formative years like a caterpillar. Earthbound, hoping for better things that seemed out of reach. And I finally locked myself away emotionally in a dark cocoon. So many years of no one truly getting inside, as I struggled to find myself. And this year I finally tore out of that cocoon, to see that in the outside world I am not alone.
Its true I need lots more physical change, but I think the biggest changest are all emotional. Self realization, self acceptancce. Casting away unfair guilt and shame and finding yourself free to express. That is stripping away the coccoon.
When butterflies first emerge they have a period where they sit on the branch as the pigment fills their wings. That is how my physical transition feels to me. I'm out of my cocoon and on the branch, and the pigment is slowly flowing. I'm batting my wings in the wind, stretching my muscles, and next year I will finally test my wings.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!
Shan'
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