Frivolous Photo Update

(Photo with the green shirt was taken at work last week.  The rest are me trying on my new Hard Rock Cafe tee today.  I saw it when I ate at Hard Rock Cafe last weekend, resisted buying it there, then came back and ordered it online.  I think its my favorite tee!  No makeup in any of these.  Just hope none of the hair comes back. :P )

I'm just feeling great about my transition progress today and thought I'd put up some updated photos.  Right now it just feels like everything is coming together more and more.

I have one more pre-paid laser session left, and I'm so pleased with the results of the last appointment.  Two days without a shave yields visible hair, but none growing close enough together to shadow.  Immediately after a shave, its pretty hard to tell there is hair at all.

My face is looking altogether softer and smoother too.  Recently I picked up my Mary Kay skin regimen again.  There were a few bumps as I adjusted to using retanol but now that my skin has adjusted, my skin is looking much nicer on this regimen than the gentler routine I was using back when laser was harder on me.  I've even picked up microderm abrasion again.  So thrilled!

Body-wise, I'm thrilled with the way things are going.  I've lost a lot of strength and tone over the last year, but my measurements have kept improving and I'm really happy with most of my body right now.  Just feeling softer, more feminine and more me.

It all feels so natural and healthy.  Its hard to explain. Its just, my body feels like it is now doing what it should have been all along, and the feeling that comes with that is just....  I don't know! :P  Content? Relaxed? Serendipity?  I'm happy at any rate. :)

I've changed up my work look a bit more.  I've stopped flat ironing out all the volume and am really enjoying working with a blow dryer and round brush to get lots of body and curl.  Its getting some looks.  Some people are cool with it and have even complimented it. Others seemed a bit put off at first, but adjusted, at least externally.  I'm growing my nails out now and wearing polish as well, though all the physical labor lately ensures lots of chips and scrapes.

So far the nails have been complimented at work once, and the hair has gotten positive comments from several people including students.  Two people have actually referred to it as "so pretty".  I'm just appreciating the tolerance level here so much!

Go Super Saver!

Ater a hectic work week, I finally get to start the current relaxed weekend by writing up last weekend, which was anything but relaxed.  Friday I was scheduled for laser in Lexington.  Saturday I was scheduled for my first counseling session since June, in Louisville.  While I was in Lexington I wanted to visit Lisa, and while I was in Louisville I wanted a chance to visit Debbie.   Also Saturday was of course derby day, as well as Transkentucky day. It didn't sound like a crazy schedule to me  as I thought it out all week, but it did turn out to be very rushed sometimes - but in a fun way!

Friday, I decided to take a personal day since my laser appointment 2 hours away was scheduled a little earlier in the day than I usually do it.  This made for a carefree morning of picking the right clothes, taking care of my hair, and packing all the cosmetics I haven't used in an age.

 I've been running around in a very androgynous state since January first.  All my time away has been based around laser appointments.  Makeup before the appointments was pointless, and after the damaged hair was impossible to hide.  So really I've not been pleased with my appreance for a single day in 2010 up until last weekend.  I thought I was fine with it, but I started to realized over the last few weeks that my self esteem is eroding a bit, being forced to present male for so long.

Last weekend though was my comeback.  There was so little hair left that I decided I could probably cover it even after laser, and it was derby weekend, which is Kentucky's ultimate excuse for fun clothes! While packing I came to the conclusion that the hair was reduced far enough that I could present correctly at laser.  Since it would be the first time they would see me presenting as my true gender, I decided to dress to be taken seriously.  Black slacks and a fitted vest with a ruched silk top in a cream color.

When I got to Lexington I was able to visit Lisa briefly, then I went for the appointment.  I was a little nervous walking in, but they were very welcoming and the whole visit was very comfortable and friendly.  I got compliments on my clothes.   They were really pleased with the laser results so far.  They even asked before beginning the treatment whether I was wearing makeup. :P

Saturday morning my face wasn't irritated at all and the remaining hair didn't look to hard to cover.  I tried a thin layer of ivory concealer over my chin and upper lip, and then brushed outward. Instead of a hard border for the concealer this left a gradual change in tone between the natural skin tone and the concealer.  Next I used a light liquid foundation and then a thin layer of mineral powder.  With a little color over this I was very satisfied.  It was the easiest and most natural makeup job I have ever done, even though it was just one day after laser!

Despite the cold and damp day I decided I'd still dress nice for derby.  I settled on a strapless floral in black and blue with pearl jewelry.  For the first time in several months I felt pretty and fully confident in my appearance.

Counseling went great.  We mainly just caught up on happenings.  Also she issued me a carry letter and we talked about my plans to go full time without moving first.  For the first time, she seemed very supportive of this plan.  The next time we meet, we are going to begin talking through actual time lines.

The session was really enjoyable, and though it was scheduled to be an hour we talked almost two.  Near the end we got off topic and were talking about pretty much random things.  In a story from way back I mentioned that I "was a very strange looking creature at the time."   To which she replied "You are anything but strange looking now.  You're a beautiful young woman."   She said it with such sincerity, and though she has given me mild reassurance before, she had never given me a compliment like that.  I left feeling great!

After therapy I went to Debbie's.  She fixed a delicious lunch of stir fry shrimp and steak.  Then we went to PF Chang's to have cocktails and watch the race.  It was great fun and Debbie's bet on Super Saver turned out to be an excellent choice.

We dropped by Sally's Beauty supply after to look for some nail products someone had recommended to Debbie.  Then we chatted and worked on our nails back at Debbie's.  We topped off the evening with a late dinner at the Bristol on Bard's Town road.  On derby day Louisville is busy well in to the night, and Bard's Town Road is a pretty popular place.  We took a table at the window and watched the well dressed derby goer's pass as we chatted and enjoyed the food.

Sunday I made it home late and tired after visiting with Lisa and Tina.  I feel so happy right now.  Transition is progressing well and I'm so sure this is going to be the year I  get to let go of my secret completely and finally live true to myself.

A Visit, Progress, and McAfee

Its been such an eventful week.  I got to visit a couple of local friends and catch up, which was so nice.  Plus I've been in a dorky mood lately, and they were in the mood to play video games, and actually suggested one of my favorites that I had not had the chance to play in multiplayer for some time.  It was nice, and very nostalgic too.  

At work, things have been busy, but I've not felt to stressed.  McAfee released a bad dat file that destroyed svchost.exe on Windows XP Service Pack 3 computers.  We use Windows XP Service Pack 3 on most of our machines, and the state has mandated McaFee for every workstation, so the impact was severe in my office, with lots of sudden problems Wednesday.  The cleaning process is tedious. Several services stop working correctly, including networking.  So unless you have some solution to boot to something else to replace files, clean up is completely manual.  That is basically the situation with us.

So from Wednesday through Friday, i've been doing the "sneakernet" thing. You have to strap on some fast shoes and run from machine to machine replacing files.  A bit ago, that would have been terrifying.  In early transition, all the looks, all the comments,  all the wondering what the crowd around me was thinking was too much to handle.  I'd put off work that involved staying in a populated classroom more than a few moments out of fear.  Even just walking the hall, worrying what people were thinking and when someone was going to scream something derogatory, was draining and I'd always have to unwind in my office a moment after a trip.

Slowly I've adjusted to being a bit of a curiosity though and learned to accept it. M my stress level has dropped with that lesson and I've become more efficient.  Its a good thing too, because there was no time to unwind this week.  I've been on the run, but I've enjoyed it.  For the most part, I got nothing but respect, and I've felt calm and focused, with only occasional bouts of social anxiety during the process.  

Also I've got to say this has been a very eventful few weeks in terms of physical transition.  My whole body shape continues to change in subtly feminine ways, and I've had several spurts of breast growth.  It complicates my passing as male, but I'm past caring.  In light of recent evidence it seems I'm very nearly out anyway, and I'm proud of the changes in my body. 

I'm hoping they can tolerate me in this androgynous state just a little longer as I finish laser and get my orchiectomy.  Soon after I'll be announcing my intent, and no matter what their decision about keeping me, I'll be out, and finally free to be myself.  I just hope until then my transition keeps progressing, and they keep accepting me.   JUst so thankful for my progress.  Its all so amazing I can't think about it without smiling. :)