The Character of Nature

Upon waking Saturday morning I learned that my Uncle Charles had passed on at 1 AM. He had been struggling with lung cancer for months, so it wasn't unexpected news. I had not seen him since childhood, but it was still very sad to learn of his death. He was only 58, and was a wonderful person.

From childhood, I do remember that he was always smiling and had this energetic twinkle in his eyes. He loved being around people and always kept conversations lively with his unique sense of humor. After a stint in the military, he had settled into a career in the mines. It is very harsh work, hard for me to even imagine, but many of the men here have chosen this path for generations. The shifts are long, and spent thousands of feet underground, toiling by artificial light. The possibility of cave ins or human error causing an accident are always there. On my job, if you are not careful, you can lose data. In his a moment's inattention in the wrong situation could cost your life by electrocution or heavy machinery accidents.

Like so many though, he wanted to provide for his family the best way he could. For his son and wife, he chose this difficult line of work and struggled underground, perhaps wrecking his lungs and contributing to the lung cancer that took his life.

In retirement he was an avid gardener. In harvest season he would load up most of his yield and travel around to neighbors in need with gifts of fresh produce. He especially loved to take care of the elderly I am told. Although I was not there, I imagine these visits involved lots of cheery conversation and that he brightened many lonely days.

I never visited in the hospital, because I think in my current state. Mom's family is very conservative and I would probably have only offended people. I am told though, that he fought hard through his illness, but never complained, and that in the end he had told everyone he was ready and knew it was his time.

It seems so unfair that someone can work so selflessly through life, and keep a smile through almost everything, then be cut down so suddenly.

Thinking about that one life in detail, it seems an incomprehensible tragedy. Then there is Haiti also this week. Many thousands of lives just as special and important suddenly cut short. Children. Fathers. Mothers. Dreams. Ambitions. Smiles. Loves. Gone in an instant. The random nature of it and the scale, it's just more than my mind can grasp.

Saturday was my laser day, and I decided I would go. I never told Mom and Dad where I was going, and let them assume I was going to work. I just did not want to stress them at such a time. The day felt dreary as I kept thinking about how harsh and cruel the world can sometimes seem.

The new laser place though, is in a very pleasant mall, and I had lots of time to look around before the appointment. I fed the ducks playing on the frozen pond, and had a wonderful fish dinner in a charming little restaurant. All around people were smiling, laughing and happy.

After lunch I was sitting on the lip of a fountain, listening to the water cascade across its tiers. Outside the ducks continued to play on the ice in their cute waddling gate. Around me, the shoppers passed in chatty, happy little groups. Sitting there surrounded by so many comforting sights and sounds the world did not seem such a harsh place. Even the feeling of the smooth cold tile under my hands seemed a blessing.

Certainly the world is more than I can understand sometimes, but it not a cold, random godless place. As certainly as it would be impossible for a single cell organism to ever have enough DNA mutations to become a plant by coincidence, much less, a complex creature like those marvelous ducks, this world is governed by a creator, and not by random chance.

I realized, sitting there, that all we can do is relish every simple pleasure, try to have whatever tiny positive impact we can on those around us, and reach for our dreams with the time we have.

To me, those do not seem unfair terms. I'm quite grateful for the opportunity.

As time for my appointment came, I stood and tossed a coin into the fountain. I closed my eyes a moment searching for a wish. Nothing grand in the end. Only that my parents could understand and accept me.

With a new serenity, I set out, reaching again for my dreams.

Earring Update

8 tonight will make precisely 2 weeks since I had my ears pierced on New Years Eve, and I am still as thrilled with the decision as I was that day. The initial exhilaration of doing something different is gone, but I'm always going to think of this as a milestone event. Despite being overdressed, and having nowhere to go at that time of evening except a crowded Wal-Mart, I walked proudly to the counter, requested my ears pierced, shopped an hour as I waited and finally left wearing earrings, like I have always wished i could. Even better, everyone was incredibly nice to me; employees and other customers as well.

In fall of 2007, my first outing presenting as my true gender was also at a Wal-Mart. I was so nervous I was sweating. So nervous, I couldn't slow my steps. My only goal had been to go into the store, look around and leave, without needing to talk to anyone. What I managed was a quick power walk through the main aisles that block around the store, and I was an absolute nervous wreck, every muscle taught through the entire experience. I went home physically sore.

When I think about how far I have come since that time, in terms of knowledge, strength, self awareness. Even in terms of physical transition and pass-ability, it is just hard to believe. At that point in time it was hard to imagine ever being where I am now. The ability to just get out and be myself, without terror or being constantly self conscious seemed out of reach. At that point, I couldn't have walked through a register. Now, I can request something as personal and interactive as ear piercing without a twinge of worry.

I think the simple act of getting my ears pierced symbolizes that personal growth well. It does feel like a rite of passage. :)

My ears are healing very well. The piercings are barely sensitive at all now, and under the studs, there is plenty evidence of healing. All the swelling and pinkish coloration is gone, and there is no pain or itching. In 4 more weeks, I'll be able to take the starter studs out and begin to wear any earrings I choose. For now, I have no other earrings, but I'll certainly find an inexpensive way to expand my options soon. I am a bit emotionally attached to these little CZ studs though. I think I will file down the posts and try to find normal looking backs for them and a box. :)

Snip Snip!

On this blog, a title like that could mean most anything. In this instance though, I am only referring to an innocent little hair cut. My stylist always does such a great job! I think she absolutely must have figured out I am trans. If a guy walked in with randomly flat ironed hair and asked for a trim and a color, I think you would probably just flat iron it back to some semblance of what it was before he walked in. For me though, without even asking, she'll poof the back and style my bangs prettily. You can't see how cool the back is in the photos though.

I never go this far styling my hair for work, so the days when I take a little break and head to the salon, are my days when I depart the very farthest form the male norm while still working as a male.

Thank you S, for the great dye job and killer styling. I'm so happy! =)

Without all the gray roots, I feel so much more confident about going to laser Friday.