Encouragement?

A rare short blog from me!

I think in past blogs I have been pretty unfair to the students. I often put emphasis on the occasional derogatory comments I get here, and how I get a sense that I am running the gauntlet sometimes when I am in the hall. But I have rarely given credit where credit is due, and mentioned than some kids seem ok with me, and even supportive. Or that most seem indifferent and that the kids who are rude are in the minority.

Actually the truth is that several of the kids here will always go out of their way to greet me if they see me in the halls. Mostly girls, but there are even a few guys who don't seem to think there is any kind of stigma attached to saying hi to the prissy computer tech person. For the most part I don't know any of their names, having only met in passing in the halls. But it does make me feel a lot more comfortable here, and for that, I owe them all.

Early this morning I was feeling bad about myself. I had walked to the restroom to check my hair, and I wasn't feeling to great about what the mirror was telling me. Hair was a little frizzy. The button down men's shirt I was wearing was course and bulky, giving me a boxy look. My goal with men's clothing is to look male enough to get by. Looking more male than the bare minimum is a bit irritating for me at this point. My assessment had been that today, I'm looking far more masculine than I need to, and I was not pleased.

Even worse, I knew it was the office Christmas party today, and that I would be in the company of people who make me feel so giant, shapeless and ugly that I wish I could disappear. LOL!

Well, so much for a short blog. I really tried! But now, to the point. All that leads us to the part where I was walking back to the office, feeling bad about myself and wishing I could just go home. (Aren't you glad you have all that backstory stuff? It would have been so confusing if I had just opened this blog with "I was walking down the hall feeling down this morning and..."

Oops! Another false start. Here we go. For real. LOL!

I was walking down the hall feeling down, and I met two high school girls. My first thought was, "Grrr! I wish I could just have the hall to myself. I hate being in public looking this stupid."

But as we met, one of the girls (who often is kind enough to speak to me, says "Hi Shannon!"

Then after a brief moment's hesitation, "You look pretty today."

I'll have to admit, I'm old, and I don't understand modern teenagers all the time. Every generation has its own way to communicate, and an older generation never understands exactly how a newer generation uses sarcasm. Still, I think that she actually meant it. :)

I think she hesitated that split second because she was trying to decide if it was a safe thing to say. I mean, I am presenting as male, and most men would probably take "pretty" as a huge insult. If I weren't trans, and was just some guy who happened to be cultivating an androgynous look, I could have gotten angry and had her sent to the office or anything. So really, it was kind of brave!

Of course, that was not my reaction at all. I was beaming, and of course thanked her. For a moment it felt like maybe a few people here do understand me. Plus, I felt a slight bit better about this outfit and my presentation today. Apparently I didn't look nearly as masculine as I had thought.

The little boost was short lived though. Most of today, I have felt pretty ugly. I'd so love to be about 5'4 and 100 pounds sometimes. Really, I'm happy with my progress on transition, and I feel blessed. Sometimes I am even 100% happy with the way most parts of my body look. Just occasionally, I get up on the wrong side of bed, and look at everything in the most negative possible light.

Tonight my little esteem crisis is over and I'm feeling very good about myself. I'd go as far as to say, I don't feel at all inferior to anyone for the moment. Shorter, curvier, more estrogeny-y looking chicks can have their look. I'm very happy with my look and my limits. I don't feel arrogant for saying it either. I think every woman trans or otherwise has her own brand of beauty. We just each need to find and embrace it. I thank GOD for blessing me with the gifts I have, in regards to both beauty and more important things.

Also, I certainly owe gratitude to that young lady who gave me the little boost I needed to get through the day this morning. :)

Calling out! Calling out! Haven't you wondered?

It seems I have went too far with my voice!

Dealing with people on the phone from off site while at work was one of the first ways I started to work on correcting my voice. Despite certain inherent risks, such calls are still when I am at my most comfortable with myself it seems.

The last two weeks, I have been working extensively with representatives from one of our vendors on the phone. Some of these conversations were literally hours in length. For the most part I am the single point of contact with this company so as I saw it there was no need for caution regarding gender presentation . The tone of these conversations was mostly professional, but with a little humor mixed in to kill the time and a light casual feel.

My name is androgynous. No one asked me my gender but it was always clear that they had assumed female. Somehow you can just tell. The subject never came up, so of course I didn't feel obligated to clarify my gender status.

I really enjoyed getting to be myself in a professional environment. It was just so fun and comfortable I can't even put it into words. It was me being myself, without a worry in the world, and knowing that the people on the line knew my gender without question.

Monday, I arrived at work, and my boss and the other tech here were chatting in the office. The boss called me inside. "S, we have got to work on your voice!", he said with a boisterous jovial tone. "Steve from ______ called for you this morning, and he was telling me how 'S was working on this, and how she had done this, and she had done that'.

I'm not a good liar. If I were, the best response would have been mock surprise. Hopefully my very real look of total awkwardness was close enough! I think I probably looked more like a child caught with a hand in the cookie jar though.

For a moment, I thought about saying "Did he seem to think I was nice to work with? Did he think I did a good job? If so, does my gender really matter?"

Instead I said nothing. Probably for the best!

Next my boss told me I needed to watch some Home Improvement episodes, and imitated the signature Tim Allen grunt.

I just smiled and said "No comment." with a laugh, and then we were on to other matters.

Later that day, I had to call one of the Follett ladies, then she called back for me and got my boss on the line.

"Is S there?" she asked.

He said "I'll transfer you over to him."

She said "No. S. I was talking to her just a minute ago."

She was certain my boss was talking about the wrong person because he said he. :) :): ) :) :) :) :) :)

LOL!

When I walked in Tuesday morning, the boss and the other tech were discussing those two incidents. I heard them before they knew I was there, and rather than eavesdrop, I just stepped into the conversation. Again, a bit of ribbing, but nothing mean or insulting.

I thought my boss was pretty cool about the whole thing, to my face. I mean, he's not exactly the most sensitive guy in the world, so its all relative. He didn't make me feel threatened, and I don't mind a little light humor in the least. I am certainly not thin skinned. Still, I am a little worried, that this topic would find its way into their conversation two mornings in a row.

Are they just curious? Do they already know everything? If so, how are they going to cope with me coming out more and more on the job? Was the joking with me on the first day experimental, to test my reaction? Or perhaps an attempt to tell me subtly that I need to be more careful?

My feeling is that they both know a lot more than they are telling me, and that the first mention was to test my reaction. However, I do think they would like it if I would be a little less "me" while I'm here. :P

Yesterday, we switched phone systems. My first go at recording a voicemail greeting was rushed. When I was learning the phones later in the the evening, I realized I needed a full message, and not just a name. As my hand hovered over the record button, my personal pride insisted that I push the envelope. The voice everyone will hear when I am not at my desk, is genuine, professional, and gregarious, but not the least bit male.

Defying Gravity

Sometimes I hear a song that describes my emotions so well that I think "Wow, I wish I had written that." Last night I was visiting friends and was introduced to some new music. Among the songs was "Defying Gravity", originally from the musical "Wicked" and more recently from the Glee soundtrack. I have not seen either, but I feel very blessed to have been introduced to this track.

This song could be pretty much about any sort of relationship, any kind of challenge, and would probably speak to almost anyone. To me its a crystal clear depiction of transition. Listening to this just makes me feel like taking on the world. But then, in so many ways, I guess I already am defying gravity, though someday I hope to fly much higher.

Here is a youtube link to one of the versions of the song as it was performed on Glee. Have a listen if you are curious.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Defying Gravity-by Stephen Schwartz

Lyrics here transcribed by Shandy Alexis

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Something has changed within me.

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by

the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second guessing.

Too late to go back to sleep.

It's time to trust my instincts,

close my eyes and leap.

It's time to try

defying gravity.

I think I'll try

defying gravity.

Kiss me goodbye,

I'm defying gravity

and you won't bring me down.

I'm through accepting limits,

'cause someone says they're so.

Some things I can not change,

but 'til I try I'll never know.

Too long I've been afraid of,

losing love I guess I've lost.

Well if that's love it comes at

much to high a cost.

I'd sooner buy,

defying gravity.

Kiss me goodbye,

I'me defying gravity.

I think I'll try

defying gravity,

and you won't bring me down.

I'd sooner buy,

defying gravity.

Kiss me goodbye,

I'me defying gravity.

I think I'll try

defying gravity,

and you won't bring me down...

...bring me down.

Ohh-oh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Enjoy!