And Finally the Results Are in

After a week of checking the mail anxiously after my therapy appointment, I got news today from UK!

My blood test results are in, and it all look very good. I was especially surprised to find that bad cholesterol is extremely low. Between my awful diet and my use of hormones, I have been worried about this all along.

But even better news, they mailed my prescriptions along with the results! Sort of. Somehow the nurses have left out my spirolactone prescription. But I have quite a bit left, so that will be fine. The new estrogen prescription is for injected estrodial varalate. Its a deep intramuscular injection though. Its going to feel weird, needing to buy needles and syringes, and I've never used such a thing. My doctor had advised that she would have the prescriptions left at the office for me to pick up anytime, and that I should get the nurses to walk me through the first injection. But through some miscommunication they got mailed.

Now I have to decide if I want to save a trip to UK and do injections based on online research of the procedure. Or, find a day I can leave a little early to go learn from a nurse. There is definitely no one living around me I would ask.

I think I'll have the prescription filled this evening. =)

A Dream Realized

Sometimes it seems like life comes in surges, like the tide.  I've had a dry few weeks lately, waiting for my endocrinology appointment.  But then its like something happened and  a swell of change, events and emotion suddenly came ashore with enough power to reshape the beach that is life.  Too much of a good thing? Not really.  I got dragged out to sea, but I found my way back to shore. 

As frequent readers know, I have been waiting for the fifth of June since April, when I scheduled my endocrinology appointment. And truly it has been a much longer wait. For I have dreamed of the  appointment many years before knowing the exact day.

I had a pretty simple plan. I have two friends with an apartment minutes away from the UK Clinic. I was going to leave work Thursday, then travel with them to the Richmond LExington area.  Then Friday the fifth I would have all morning to get dressed and primp for the appointment.  I didn't want them to take one look at me and decide I was making a mistake, so I wanted to really look my best.  After the appointment, I was to meet back up with my two friends and we were to head to Louisville. They had some business in that direction, and I was to be in a pageant.  But that, is the subject of another blog entirely! Ha!

So, Thursday morning finally came, I got my car packed and went to work. Then, I called my friends to confirm their plan and the tide started rising.  My Mom had decided something suspicious was afoot with all of us leaving town at the same time, and had called my aunt to tell her she felt her son and daughter in law were enabling me by traveling with me.  Apparently it was quite an emotional call and got my aunt stirred up. So she drove to my cousin's current place of employment and pulled him aside to basically insist that he and his wife not help me in any way whatsoever.

I was disappointed, and very scared. I kept thinking that something was going to happen before work ended and mom would try t find some way to stop me, or pull me into a confrontation somewhere.  But nothing happened. At the end of the day, I wrote a letter to mom and dad. It basically told them I was going to an endocrinologist, that I am sure I am a woman, that I will transition, that it is past time to debate, and that I will be back Sunday.  I appologized for not discussing it in person but explained that I just can't handle the fighting anymore, that I know what I need and I will do it.  I left the note at the house and began my drive.

Mom and I had some very emotional phone conversations along the way. She kept trying to employ guilt to turn me back. But I was so angry that she had tried to control me by forcing away my friends that I was past feeling sorry for the worry I cause. When guilt didn't work she changed tact and told me I was being controlled by the devil, at which point I hung up.

I was feeling pretty lonely and decided to call a few friends. Then things got much brighter. One of the calls I made was to Tina Jenson (yes, the lovely Tina Jenson of blogger fame :P).  I told her how things were going, and she decided to drive all the way up to Lexington to give me moral support through my interview!  Suddenly I wasn't alone and everything felt much better.  I ended up at a Super 8 near the clinic.  I called Mom and Dad to let them know I was okay. There was no more arguing.

In the morning Tina showed up at the Hotel as I was getting ready for the appointment. I showed her a few of the outfits I was considering for the appointment. In the end I settled on my favorite embellished stretch jeans and a cute little cap sleeve top with lace detailing.  I wore low heeled sandals along with it. The end effect was casual, unpretentious, low key casual.  

Eventually we found our way down to the clinic. Lexington is such a maze though. If I had been alone I would have been a nervous wreck.  Even once we found parking and got inside the clinic, find endocrinology was not easy.  Everyone there was very kind though, and soon I was in the waiting room with Tina, all the paperwork done, everything in order. It didn't feel real. I'd imagined finally seeing an endocrinologist all my life and now here I was. It was such a surreal feeling.  

They eventually called me back. The nurses were great and made me feel right at home. But I was still anxious about meeting the doctor herself. I have often been told that her predecessor, was very callouss and cold. In initial interviews with transgender patients, many clients he accepted thought right up until the end that he was going to turn them away.

The current doctor is not that way at all. She mostly asked me basic medical questions. Everything went smoothly and after a brief interview, she told me I could go to the lab and get my blood drawn, and that when the results were back, if everything looked okay I could pick up my prescriptions at my leisure!  The whole thing was very relaxed and she was very pleasant. 

I called the clinic today and it sounds like everything is in order. I am probably days away from starting on a newly prescribed hormone regimen, and I'll never have to send away over seas for meds again.

I never really got to relish the feeling though. After a lunch with chipotle I was back on the road. It was 2 hours back home, and a short night's rest, then back to work to set up for a high school graduation. Then about 2 it was time to hit the road again, this time for a 3 and a half hour drive to Louisville.  In the end I fit 11 hours of driving, an endocrinology appointment, a pageant, and lots of emotional fighting into a 3 day period. But when I got home, it was all worth it.

Mom and Dad didn't try to stop my second trip at all.  I think they are starting to see that I am not going to be stopped and that its best to just let me do what I must.  And they seem to be finding a level of acceptance. It has been a peaceful week at home so far.

I owe Tina so much thanks for being there for me. It would have been a hard weekend without her company. I'm missing my other friend's greatly but it can't be helped.  Sometimes we just all do what we have to do.  I worry that I have caused them a lot of trouble by using them for an alibi so often. I never dreamed Mom would turn around and make accusations like that to my aunt.  But from now on, everything I do will be out in the open.  I stood up to Mom and Dad and did what I needed to do, and our relationship is intact. I finally feel like we are communicating adult to adult, instead of Mom continually struggling for a way to control as though I were still a child.

The biggest victory is just finally getting to work with an endocrinologist though.  Its finally documented that I am transitioning. Its all legal and documented and I'm finally on my way. Feels wonderful!

Ack! An encounter with the socially retarded.

Two of my best friends are a little married college couple. One of them is a cousin to me and this summer they are staying with his mom and dad in my community.  His parents are the aunt and uncle who know about my transitions and my current use of hormones.

So, while my friends are living close by we are visiting quite a bit. Up until yesterday that was going very well. I feel a bit awkward there, because I'm being invited over by my friends, and not really by the homeowners.  My aunt has been very sweet, and is a cordial hostess.  But I don't interpret this to mean I am welcome. She is just incredibly polite and often hard to read. But my uncle on the other hand has been incredibly cold, and practically never speaks to me.  Its a very subtle change, as he barely spoke even before all this. 

Yesterday I stopped by with my friends for a visit, and my uncle was in the yard as we pulled up.  I got out of the car, and he approached me, red faced, looking very angry. Without anything remotely like a greeting he opened the conversation, "You should get a summer haircut." The way he said it sounded more like an order than a suggestion. 

I was taken completely off guard and after a moment I decided to stay nice and treat it like he hadn't stated it so harshly. Like he had meant it half as a joke. I laughed and said "No, I don't think so.", with a broad smile.

But he wasn't going to give up that easily. He looked more stern than ever. "You know it looks bad."  He waited a moment for a response that never came.  At this point I was struggling to keep my composure. Since he couldn't bait me in he decided he better try harder.  "You used to look a whole lot better."

At this point we are all making our way inside as he finishes his half wit verbal thrust.  I still don't feel like arguing.  With another light laugh, I reply "That is a matter of opinion."

Still he won't let it go.  He turns, looks me dead in the eyes and says, "Well that's MY opinion."  

My calm starts to slip.  There is obviously going to be no way to defuse this by being light.  He's only getting more angry at me for not taking him more seriously.  So I reply back just as stearn, "You're entitled to it."

At that point he finally shut his mouth. Then when we got inside he renewed the conversation by asking his wife if she thought I needed a short cut for summer.  I think she realized this conversation wasn't going anywhere productive, so much as I did, she responds all sugar sweet. She starts mentioning specific styles and such, but without that bossy confrontational edge her husband had employed, it didn't cut as much.  I just told her it was not my style, with a smile. And the whole thing was over.

But I am still angry today at my uncle. That was one of the most uncivil, socially retarded things I have ever seen done.  No one, except an idiot, would greet a house guest by insulting their personal appearance, and then try to push the matter like they have some authority to demand change.

I had been in the building where he works briefly during the day, and I suspect that summer gossipy stuff about my appearance got started up after I left and that it was embarrassing for him.  So this whole confrontation was probably a very stupid attempt to make me alter my appearance so I wouldn't hurt the family reputation.

But here is the simple truth.  There is nothing wrong with me. I am a transgender woman, in early transition.  I pretend to be male, to the extent that I need to to keep my job. I dress appropriately for the position I hold.  I am courteous, punctual, and kind in all my professional and personal dealings.  My hair is the way I want it cut. And though it is not a particularly masculine style, it is VERY well groomed and professional.

I will not make further allowances to appease this close minded element of our local culture. They can talk about me behind my back all they want. I have worked hard at this job for over 7 years, and I am entitled to be myself and keep this job, as long as I see fit to stay here.

I will be here as long as I want. I will express myself to whatever extent I feel it is appropriate at any given time.  As for my family, any rumors are about me, not about anyone else. It is not fair for me to have to pretend to be something I am not, to alleviate someone else's embarrassment, stemming from gossip that is not even about them.  I am the one who has to walk around with high school age kids occasionally snickering or, whistling, or calling me faggot.  If I can handle it, that is what counts. 

My aunt and uncle can suck up and play local politics trying to find a way to eek a few more dollars out if they wish. I'm not here to suck up or play little political games. I am going to be myself. And I will decide how to manage my own transition.  

Mom and Dad have been nice enough to let me board here. So if they do not approve, I can move. But as for anyone else, I really don't care if they approve of who I am or not. If management at work don't like it, we can go to court. Gender expression is a protected right for state workers in Kentucky.  As for everyone else, they can just cope.

There are limits on how much you can sacrifice, and giving up major parts of who you are, just to alleviate discomfort in those around you is far too much. I flatly refuse to bow to idiots.

All in all, I feel I was patient, polite, and serene. While he demonstrated  ignorance and a complete lack of social grace.  So I'm fine, especially now that I have vented my frustrations.