A Laser Update

Just writing to update on the results of my last laser appointment mentioned several blogs ago.  About 15 days in, the shedding was almost complete.  My skin continued to soften and heal for a while beyond that.  And now, there has still been very little regrowth.

There are some places that were totally missed by the laser.  The machine my dermatologist uses has a pretty big head. And its apparently a bad idea for any area to be hit with multiple pulses at a single setting.  So, in the end, when there are spots left over that are to small to be zapped without overlapping on to areas already hit, you have to just leave it til next time.  

So, attached is a late evening photo of me. In guy mode sadly! Ahhhh! I hate doing this, but I do want to show what laser does.   In the late evening the contrast between the hit area and the missed areas is very marked.  This angle shows a lot of the missed spots.  But used to I had hair that dark and thick almost all the way down my neck, and thick up until very high on the cheeks.  Now, all there is are these weird looking little patches on each side. 

This is much like my experience the first time, so I expect that with this second laser appointment,  eventually quite a bit of hair will return in some of the areas that are currently bare. But for the moment, my makeup is so easy.

Still, apologize for this picture. So self conscious about having hair on my face. 

I feel like this has been very successful. Much of my face feels nice and smooth. And I'm sure that even after some hair regrows, I'll be so far ahead of where I was.  Of all the effects of a life of testosterone, I find the facial hair the most annoying.  Your face is the first thing people see.  And those transgender girls cursed with thick, dark, fast growing beards like mine really struggle to look acceptable.  I've never felt comfortable in casual clothes, because I have to wear so much makeup to hide the beard, and a meticuluos makeup job looks so out of place with a casual look.  And when I have been out a few hours, I always have to wonder whether the hair is growing enough to start interfering with the texture of my makeup.

And now, at least for the moment, I only have to worry about these little patches around the jawline and chin, and just a tiny moustache. 

Already in the morning, when I check the mirror, its so much easier than waking up to see a night's worth of beard.  So much easier to see the feminine potential of my face (as limited as that is). Anyway, I just look and feel more me, and I can hardly wait for another treatment! =)

PS:  I know this is  a very masculine looking, unattractive photo.  But I am not here to dazzle my audience. I am here to document the emotions and processes involved in my transition. So, yeh, Shandy Alexis stripped of her precious makeup is an odd looking creature. Now ya know.

Validation

This Sunday was a day made for dark thoughts.  Grim clouds gripped the sky, like the last tendrils of winter refusing to let go.  Rain fell cold.  It was one of those times when the world seems like a dreary place where every dream, even those as simple as warmth and light, feels out of reach.

Also it was the second day of a weekend spent mostly indoors, and completely in drab.  As stressful as it is to work where you are not accepted, it is even harder to go home and sit idly, waiting for things that are weeks, months and years away. 

I had not shaved all weekend, because the stubble left over from laser seems to shed a little easier if left alone.  I was giving my hair a break from flat ironing, and the humidity and showering had left my hair frizzy and full of random curl.  In the mirror I looked to myself, not only male, but feral besides.  And so I was spending my weekend feeling like an ugly creature, locked away from a cold and un-accepting world.  

Then Mom and Dad asked if I would like to ride out with them for a little lunch and I accepted. And so, I left unshaven, with ratty hair, a men's tee and baggy jeans.  I was still feeling bad about myself but getting outside and talking to Mom and Dad made me feel a lot better.  Then as we left for home, there was this man beside the road.

The cold rain was still falling, and he was standing on the road shoulder, head lowered.  A neglected sign asking help hung in his hand.  He looked completely defeated standing there in the downpour. It was a heartbreaking thing to see.  

Mom wanted to give him cash. Dad argued that you didn't know what he would do with it. I stayed out of it, because I use plastic and never carry money anyway. I was pulling for Mom though. He just looked so pitiful, and you would have to be desperate to stand in near freezing rain in hopes that a few people will help.

In the end, Mom did get Dad to stop. And I was on the side of the car facing him, so I was handed the bills.  He didn't notice us with his head lowered, so I addressed him, "Sir? Here take this."

And then he looked up.  He was probably in his late fifties or early sixties.  He looked like he had seen some hard years, but his face was dominated by a sincere and grateful smile. As he took the money, he said, "Thank you miss."

Then he hesitated a moment, looking a little embarrased and perplexed. He stepped closer to the car, straining his  obviously weak eyes. "Or, sir?" he said. "I'm sorry."

I smiled and shook my head. "It's ok." I said with a little laugh.  Then the window was back up and I was riding home.  His vision was definitely not good . But going by my voice and the limited visual cues he could, he had seen what others ussualy can not.  His first assessment was right. I am a woman.

Mom and Dad never mentioned, and didn't seem disraught.  I rode home feeling a bit better.  This man's simple thank you was a powerful validation for me.  And his situation reminded me how truly blessed I am. How can I feel alienated, when I'm employed, and have a loving family supporting me, despite my life path being one they find hard to accept.  I have my health. I have my vision. I have a place to call home.

And  though the world can be cruel, it is not fair to assume people are. There's no way to know how this man will spend the money he gets.  There is always that possibility that he is wasting others' wages on cigarettes and liquor. Yet people have the compassion to stop and give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope he will buy some food and take care of himself.

I'm happy. I got recognized as a girl even while I was trying to do the guy thing, which felt nice despite the extenuating circumstances.  And I got a little reminder of how silly self pity is, and a small lesson in human compassion.  Its interesting how much can happen in a brief, chance encounter.

I hope he is safe and sound somewhere tonight. He seemed such a sweet soul.

Minor Update

Warning! Boring entry unless you are curious about the recovery process for laser and IPL hair removal.  Its just a cut and dry description of my recovery so far.

I had the procedure Wednesday, and was off form work until Monday, with the hope that I would look pretty normal by then.  When I left the doctor's office last Wednesday, I was looking very rough.  Inflamed skin under the entire bearded area.  All the hair was burned to a pitch black crisp, and seemed to have expanded. My beard shadow looked more course and dark than ever.  

By Monday, most of the redness was gone, but there was lots of dry skin. The hair was slowly being pushed out in the shedding process, as though it were still growing.  Yet it can barely be shaved because of the dense, tough texture caused by the heat.  I managed to shave, but it was definitely not a close shave. My face felt like sandpaper due to the thick, fried hair.  

Well, tonight makes 7 days.  And things are finally starting to look up. I pulled a couple of the hairs with tweezers, to find out how much length was still below the surface, and found out they are almost ready to fall out! 

Maybe tomorrow noticeable quantities will start to fall out. My skin is healing pretty well too.  Hopefully I'll be healed up on time for shopping with Tina Saturday! But if not, there's always next weekend. :P