Dream.Flight.Genesis

Poles Apart

2011-08-04T23:28:00.001-04:00

Did you know all the time but it never bothered you anyway
Leading the blind while I stared out the steel in your eyes

-David Gilmore

I've not been around a lot lately. I have regrets about that. Basically my life is so full that I do not have as much time to write as I once did. I'm also far enough into transition that most of my day to day life doesn't revolve around gender anymore, and it leaves me with little relevant to say here on a regular basis. It's just work and love and family an all the mundane things that mark a typical life now. There are steps I still need to take in transition, but in the interim, I have very little to contribute.

Lately I've been thinking about some of the blogs I once followed closely, and friends I haven't spoken to in a while. I just wanted to catch up, so I returned to read. But the very first entry I read reminded me of the divides in the trans blogging world.

On one side, you have a faction of crossdressers who lash out at transexual women. They assume that transexual women have the same motivations they do, that they are delusional, and that transition is not healthy for anyone.

On the opposite side, you have a few elitist transexuals who think that anyone who does not share their motivations (or in some cases, just have not completed the transition process) have no right to express their gender.

Between these two extremes you have so many people who are just innocently trying to document their transition or their transgender experience, who get bombarded with comments that pull them into this completely pointless debate.

What I really want to ask, is why can we not all get along? Can we not accept that people have different motivations, different goals, and that there is no reason to judge each other?

We are each the primary stakeholder with regards to our own gender identity. Why can't we just accept each other at face value, give each other the proper respect and move on? Does it matter if someone else is on a different path, has different motivations, or has a different understanding of gender? Some of it deserves intelligent debate perhaps. But does misgendering, bullying and childish name calling really contribute to an understanding of gender? I don't think it does.

I'll probably be quiet again for a while after this. The whole debate just makes me sad and I don't like getting pulled into it. This little corner of the internet used to be so pleasant and informative. Now it feels like two polar opposite factions vying for control and everyone else just in the middle trying to dodge the bullets.

The irony is that both sides of this want mainstream society to embrace them, take them at face value and give them respect. If you can't respect another view, and respect another's right to gender expression, how is it fair to expect the mainstream to embrace you? Don't ask for more than you are willing to give.

Casa De Las Flores

2011-06-06T13:06:00.003-04:00

Saturday April 23 was my first day waking up at Casa De Las Flores. Despite the pain from my surgeries two days past, the quaint charm of my surroundings was not lost on me. The walls had niches and inset areas, and everything was painted in unthinkable color combinations. If someone painted a room yellow, green and pink in America, it would not work. For some reason when you see it in Mexico it just feels bold and striking. The colors were not the only reminder that I was not in Kentucky anymore. Every flat surface and decorative niche was filled with beautiful Mexican folk art, and all the counters were done in tiny hand painted tiles. A giant picture window looked out on the courtyard, which was an absolute wonder. I had seen it online, but was still taken by surprise at its beauty upon arrival the previous day.

From the street, Casa De Las Flores looks like a small two story building that would not be big enough to have guest rooms. It is situated on an urban street. From outside you can't see any ground that isn't paved. But once you step inside, you are greeted with office space and a large common area filled with lavish folk art. The back door opens onto the garden courtyard. Two story walls shield the area and exotic plants fill the space with surprising density. Their variety and beauty are impressive. Pavers lead from the outdoor dining area adjoining the front offices, across the courtyard in sweeping curves, to the rear building that contains the guest rooms.

From my angle on the bed, looking out the window gave the impression that my room was in a tropical rain forest rather than adjoining a courtyard. The beautiful foliage blocked the view back to the front building completely. At least 5 kinds of birds were calling constantly outside.

While the view from my bed was a wonderful combination of crafts and art inside, with plants and sun outside my window, I was still far from comfortable. My head felt numb and strange, but not particularly painful and my throat hurt a little from my tracheal shave. The main source of discomfort was definitely my breasts. I had opted for 450 mL anatomical implants, and had chosen sub-pectoral placement. That means that instead of placing the implants directly under my existing mammary tissue, they actually lifted the muscles of my chest and placed the implants under them.

It has advantages and disadvantages. Some research suggests this placement makes a few complications less likely. Plus, since the implants have more separation from the mammary tissue, they do not complicate mammograms as much as sub-glandular implants. It also masks the edges of the implant, making it harder to detect their shape. There are a few drawbacks, but the most immediate one is pain. According to some articles, choosing sub-pectoral implant placement takes breast augmentation from medium pain levels, right past high and potentially into severe.

"Severe" felt about right this morning. The compression bra still tore into my back and sides, and a sneeze felt like my ribs were breaking. My breasts felt tight and my pectoral muscles seemed stretched and painful. My arms were practically unusable. Laying on my back made the incisions on my chest feel dangerously stretched. I spent the night propped up on pillows so I could sleep sitting almost upright. But I still needed help getting up. It is fortunate that our friend Jen was there, because Kay was in no position to help me. Only one day ahead of me in recovery, her mobility was almost as restricted as mine.

Kay did not feel like having breakfast the first morning. I didn't either, but I knew my body was healing and that I needed nourishment. So when Jen reminded us that it was time for breakfast, I went reluctantly and Kay chose to stay in the room.

The breakfast was great. I don't really know how to explain what it was, but it was delicious and filling. After breakfast Jen decided to have a walk around the neighborhood. Kay chose to sit it out. I thought walking might remind me that most of my body was still healthy and help me focus on the positive. Plus exploring seemed a good way to take my mind off the pain. When we stepped out, we both imediately noticed a beautiful old cathedral a few blocks away. I said I wanted to try to walk to it. Jen seemed surprised that I would try for such a distance on my first walk post-surgery, but was optimistic.

Walking did help me feel better. The sun, the architecture, and all the little nuances that distinguish a community filled my senses and thoughts, distracting me from the pain. I kept up with Jen but breathing deeply hurt. At one point I accidentally stepped off the curb and the sudden shock sent a wave of pain through my chest.

A few days ago I had been staying at Hotel Morales in Guadalajara city center. My last sight seeing day there, I had worn my favorite strapless floral dress. I got quite a few looks and cat calls. At one point I had been approached by a local guy who asked my name. When I told him, he pretended not to hear me, so that I would lean in closer to repeat it. He kissed me on the cheek. It was more attention than I wanted, but at the same time it was all very flattering.

Those recent memories made my treatment today seem comparatively discouraging. I felt like a freak, out with visible stitches over unhealed incisions on my head and throat, and with my face still continuing to swell and bruise. The thought was there. "I did this to look better and feel more confident, and now I'm a disfigured freak." I kept reminding myself that it was all temporary and that in a month things would be mostly healed. It was hard to make it feel real though.

That walk was the first of many. The next morning Kay came to breakfast and started exploring town too. We kept venturing farther, and our walks became souvenir shopping trips. We got to sample lots of local food, and take in quite a bit of local culture. We both got stronger as we went, and toward the end we finally had enough mobility to cuddle at night instead of sleeping completely propped up side by side on pillows. I think that made me happier than any other progress during recovery.

In the beginning, the pain didn't seem bearable, and it was hard to imagine being free of it. But each day it was noticeably better so I kept reminding myself that eventually I would heal. Often, I worried that I would run out of time to heal. I couldn't imagine handling airports and planes, feeling the way I felt. But by the time of our exit exams at the clinic, much of the pain was gone and I felt positive about the trip home.

Surgery.

2011-06-04T19:20:00.000-04:00

I was sitting on the edge of my hospital bed in the Clinica Angeles Chapalita, looking down at the Clinica Angeles Chapalita logo slippers on my feet as I thought through my doubts and fears. I already felt pretty much committed. Still with only moments left before the anesthesiologist would place the mask on my face, I think it is only natural that I had second thoughts.

I had spent the previous night in my girlfriend Kay's clinic room, trying to help her and keep her comfortable after her series of surgeries. This morning it was my turn.

During the planning phase of this trip, I had misgivings about being scheduled second. I'm squeamish of all things medical, and I was not sure I could see Kay post surgery and still be able to go through with mine.

Instead, it worked out very well. I was too worried about Kay to worry about myself before her surgery. Then after, I was so concerned with trying to make her comfortable that I wasn't thinking about my operations at all.

At this point I was in my own room though. The doctors had been in just moments before. Doctor Cardenas, another plastic surgeon, and lots of support staff had come into my room. While everyone watched, Cardenas began drawing the incision marks on my chest, throat and forehead. I think that is when the fear set in. Sitting there on the table feeling the marker draw lines that would soon be traced by a scalpel.

Had I really thought this through? Only months ago, all these operations were a fantasy to me. I had heard about typical US prices and ruled out all these operations because I felt I couldn't afford to do this and GRS too. Then a chance meeting changed my transition plan. I had found Kay, fallen in love, and as a result, learned about surgery options I probably never would have explored on my own. She was already scheduled for surgery on April 20 with Cardenas when we met in early December. When she had gone over the pricing, I had been astonished, and a little tempted. By March, I knew there was no way I could let her go to Mexico for surgery and stay home only getting updates on her condition by sporadic phone calls.

My need to take the trip had made the idea of taking care of some of my own surgical needs more tempting than ever. If I was going anyway, that meant I could have my surgeries without additional travel and lodging expenses. Plus, Kay already had arranged for a good friend to come along, so I would not need to find someone to look after me. After my own research into Cardenas's practice as well as the potential risks of the surgeries I felt I needed, I was sure I wanted to do it and began scheduling.

It was barely a month ago that they set my April 21 surgery date. Had I researched enough? Was I even sure I needed all this work? Was it safe to have all this done in Guadalajara, Mexico? I knew these thoughts were no longer constructive. Just last minute hesitation. I had researched. I knew these operations would help my confidence and self esteem. It was worth it, and that had all been settled.

Moments later they came to take me to the operating room. It was not at all the way I imagined it would be before arriving here. The walk was not a big white, sterile corridor with that lingering hospital smell. Instead, the door to my room opened into a courtyard surrounded by two story balconies. The floor was stone. Benches and various plants punctuated the open space. The nurse walked me and my IV bag stand part of the way around the courtyard to another door that opened directly onto the surgical suite, which thankfully looked a lot more sterile, but frightening compared to the open, natural feel of the courtyard.

I was terrified. My heart was racing as they set me on the operating table and began final preparations. When they started taking my blood pressure I thought it would come up ridiculously high, but it didn't. The nurses did realize I was scared though and tried to comfort me. The last thing I remember was looking up into the light, a nurse holding my hand on each side. The one to my right said "You have such a pretty nose." Then I was out.

I awoke. Just barely. I couldn't feel pain anywhere, and it never occurred to me to open my eyes. I just remember the sensation of sliding, as they shifted me from the surgery table to whatever they took me to my room on, and a sense of motion, then sliding again as they placed me back into bed. Several relaxed voices were conversing in Spanish through my relocation. I was just awake enough to take the conversational tone as a good sign.

When I became fully awake and opened my eyes, I was back in my room. I had no idea what I looked like. No mirrors. I knew how my head was wrapped because I had seen Kay. Looking down, it was pretty obvious I wasn't flat chested anymore. Bandages completely covered my breasts, which seemed impossibly large. Mentally, I felt a lot sharper than I expected too. But I could barely move, and every part of me felt stiff, sore and unresponsive. Fortunately Kay and our friend were there to take care of me.

Breast augmentation, forehead reconstruction, brow lift, hairline advancement, and a tracheal shave were all performed in less than three hours. The first day, was uncomfortable, but the day after was worse. Pain was constant all day, but bearable. Then by 1 AM, I was out of my bandages and showered. My breasts felt impossibly heavy and delicate. My forehead felt painful and hollow. My throat felt like a typical sore throat and my voice came out raspy.

I was discharged only 24 hours after surgery, feeling weak and nauseous, with my new surgical support bra tearing into my spine and crushing my ribs. I looked hideous. My curly hair had not been touched in days, a row of stitches followed my hairline around my scalp, and my face was puffy and swollen. The driver our bed and breakfast sent for us looked a little puzzled at first sight of us. I felt awkward being in public at all, and was very pleased to arrive at Casa De La Flores, finish check in and settle into our room for 9 days of healing. :)

Facing Fears.

2011-04-06T00:07:00.000-04:00

There has been so much happening this year, and I'm sorry I'v not had time to write about most of it properly. I had to stop by and write this one up though. After lots of financial wrangling, some research, and a little planning, I am scheduled to go to Guadalajara Mexico in two weeks for facial feminization and breast augmentation.

It has been a hard decision for me. I could have afforded GRS almost with the money this will cost. But your face is the first thing people see when they meet you, and while I have been blessed in a lot of ways, there are some things that combined with my height are a dead giveaway. Since I have been full time I have come to the conclusion that while I am mostly passable in brief encounters, like dining out, passing people in the mall and such. There are other situations where it's a lot harder. At work or in social situations, people see you day after day, in every kind of lighting, at every angle, and eventually your full range of facial expressions. Under that kind of scrutiny, the occasional glimpse of an adam's apple, or a heavy brow shading your eyes a bit too much and people can get enough evidence to draw conclusions.

Until this year, I thought I wanted to try to get by without facial feminization, or at least try to manage without doing it until after GRS. In the end though this is needed for pass-ability and will help my confidence a lot. If things go well I think it will leave me passable enough that when I decide to relocate, I can interview comfortably knowing that being trans isn't part of the equation at all. Of course that confidence will make work and everyday interaction easier too.

I have decided not to have any work done on my lower face. What I will have done is forehead restructuring, a brow lift, and a tracheal shave. I will probably drop some links summarizing the procedures as the date approaches.

In addition, I am considering breast augmentation as well. My plan has always been to wait until I am near the end of my growth potential to see if I have a chance at becoming a fairly full A cup on my own. While it was looking hopeful for a while about a year ago, it is pretty obvious now that it is not happening. My growth spurts have been rare, short lived and almost undetectable in the last 8 months, and I will have been on hormones for 3 years very soon.

Right now implants are on my surgery schedule, but I am still researching it and trying to make up my mind even as the date of my surgery approaches. I'm almost sure I will go through with it, but just not quite sure.

I'll keep you posted, and I'll try to post before and after photos soon! For those interested, I am going to Dr. Lazaro Cardenas for the work. He gets great reviews on FFS newsgroups and seems to have excellent credentials and associations. In email correspondence he has been very courteous and helpful.

More to come soon!

Star Crossed 2

2011-02-28T21:06:00.004-05:00

I got a comment on my last post today that reminded me just how long I have been away from blogger and I feel terrible about it. I hate it that I have fallen out of touch. It has just been a busy few months for me.

I think part of the problem is that the longer I go without writing, the more there is that needs to be written, until eventually it feels impossible to catch up and becomes overwhelming. Things are starting to settle a bit now though and I'm happy to have time to continue.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The chance encounter I described in the previous installment left me feeling a little confused. For the next few days, I could scarcely think of anything other than her, which was a bit odd for me. Those striking blue eyes, those perfectly formed full lips, her delicate form. Physically, she was beautiful. But there was more to the attraction than that. I have met lots of women who are pretty. While I can acknowledge their beauty there have been very few times that I would have considered myself strongly attracted to a woman.

It definitely takes more than beauty alone to inspire the level of captivation that I was feeling. Beauty combined with a subtle hint of interest in me? No, it's not that simple either. That has happened a few times since I started transition; the rare woman who can accept me as female and finds me attractive. On the few times that I've encountered that situation, I've felt extremely flattered, but not attracted to my admirer.

Was it because this particular lady happened to be trans like me? No, that is definitely not it. Before I met her, I thought I wanted a man. I had been in relationships with women and decided that was not what I wanted. And the one thing I was absolutely certain I didn't want was a relationship with another transgender woman.

Somehow the prospect seemed totally different after meeting her though. I could imagine how much we would have in common. Our life journeys so much alike. Our current situations very similar. She would understand my vulnerabilities and insecurities. I would understand hers. Similar needs. Shared hopes and dreams. It had never appealed to me before, but suddenly it seemed it would be the most wonderful thing in the world to have that.

I've mentioned what I used to want in a relationship in other entries. I thought I needed a man. I loved the duality of a typical heterosexual relationship, the clearly defined roles. I had been imagining someone who wouldn't trespass very far into my gender role. Someone who would pursue me, and make me feel attractive. Someone stronger than me to make me feel vulnerable, yet at the same time, protected.

It had felt like the sincere desire of my heart, and I've had my share of crushes on men. But suddenly I found myself not really caring if I ever had that sort of relationship at all. I became aware that many of the reasons I had wanted it were practical and mundane. I had wanted rigid gender roles because I had thought it would be affirming. I felt I needed someone stronger and more masculine, to make me feel more confident in my own femininity.

Plus there are the social aspects. A relationship with a man is the generally accepted thing for a woman to do, and of course, I have always wanted people to accept me as female. One of the reasons I ruled out a relationship with a woman, trans or otherwise, is because I felt a strong need to achieve that acceptance.

It all seemed instantly petty. If I could have this girl in my life it would mean more to me than acceptance, or gender affirmation, or any of the things I had worried about. It just didn't matter any more. I felt I had a chance for something bigger than any of that. I just knew that she was what I wanted and I couldn't stop imagining how wonderful we could be together.

It took me a couple of days to ask her out. Not because of any doubt that I wanted to, but because I was terrified. I'm not used to making the first move, and on the few occasions I ever asked anyone out, it was after I was sure the answer would be yes. How awkward would it be if she said no? We had so much in common. What if I ruined a chance at a very special friendship by admitting an unrequited romantic interest?

Still I was sure I needed to ask her. For a couple of days we danced awkwardly around it. She was on my Facebook friends list before we had actually met. I was afraid to send anything too overtly flirty but I wanted to send her signals clear enough that she would feel confident responding in kind, or maybe ask me out first-which would have made things lots easier. I would find out later that the same game was being played on her side. I thought so, but the evidence was never quite clear enough to make me certain. That was also mutual as it turns out.

I couldn't sleep. I just laid awake at night thinking of her. We had met on Saturday. By Tuesday, it felt like a month had passed. Finally I sent her a message in Facebook at 1:30 AM. There wasn't anything subtle about it, and though I did it somewhat sillily to take some of the gravity out of the situation, I pretty much just asked her out straight up. She was awake too...

And she said yes. :) Then my life began to change in wonderful ways. :)

Full Time!

2011-01-06T20:48:00.002-05:00

I'm holding off on the next chapter of Star Crossed one more time, to bring more transition news!

A while ago I went to court and started the name change petition process, as I mentioned a bit ago. They charged me a $53 filing fee and set a court date of January 4, which was this Tuesday.

I showed up at 9:30 as I was advised, and found the courtroom to be packed. I have been full time since January first, so I was dressed fairly well, though casual. Prisoners in jump suits waiting for hearings sat in rolling office chairs on the front row, while people on civil matters and minor offenses waited in crowded bench seats. They called people alphabetically for the most part. After hearing tons of drug and traffic related judgements and a preliminary trial about a burglary, we were down in the W's and I still had not been called.

When there were only about 8 people left in the room, they called me forward, by my old name. I got a few odd looks. I think perhaps I was placed late on the docket intentionally to give me a bit more privacy. I approached the bench feeling fairly confident. The judge looked stern, but I had seen him handle quite a few cases at this point and he seemed a nice guy.

He read the petition, then asked me to verify the accuracy of both my chosen name and my given name. Then he verified my address, date of birth and such. He was very conversational, at one point asking if this finishes the process for me. Caught off guard I answered "Almost." with a shy smile.

The form for a name change order was not in the courtroom so he sent someone for it and I was asked to return to my seat. There were still a few odd looks, and one guy in particular was trying hard not to stare.

When the form arrived and was filled out I was called back forward. The judge announced that my name change was official and wished me luck. I settled into the same peaceful content I often feel at milestones now. I left the courthouse with a huge smile.

Since then I've been spending a bit of time each day away from work running the errands needed to finish the process. Wednesday I picked up my certified copies of the name change. 4, just in case. They waived the $3 fee per copy, which was very kind. On the way out, I stopped by the county clerk to file with them. I think there was a $12 fee.

Then I drove over to the social security office, where they were very expedient about my name change. My new social security card should arrive soon!

Today was the exciting part though. I got to go down and get my driver's license made with my new name and a photo representing my new look. They were extremely nice at the court clerk's office and chatted with me through the whole process.

Despite the M in the bottom left corner, seeing that license gave me such a sense of accomplishment. =)

Work has went smoothly, though I went full time on schedule without any communication whatsoever to the general staff. I have gotten a few odd looks, but most people have been very nice, and even quite complimentary. I've been called he very few times this week.

In town and away form work things are even better. I feel pretty much completely accepted. Ma'ams shes and hers abound. Also I've had doors held for me several times.

I'm in uncharted territory right now, and I'm very nervous; always looking to gauge the reactions of those around me. But with every positive interaction my confidence grows.

When my SS card comes I'll file my name change at work and then start communicating with the companies I'm on file with. Also at that point I'll be asking permission from upper management to send a communication to the staff for clarification.

It's looking like I'll be busy for a while! But I'm so happy. Transition is going great, and there's more happy news besides. But that is another entry altogether. :)

Change

2010-12-29T15:56:00.000-05:00

I'm so far behind on writing. There are lots of positive things going on right now and it's become difficult to document. For one thing, I'm just so happy and excited that I can't slow down my thoughts enough to convert them to words. And for another, there are so many things I could write about I don't know where to begin. It's like all the pieces are falling into place right now. I really need to write the rest of Star Crossed, but today I am taking a break and writing about general transition stuff instead. It's just a quick update to document some transition related things while they are still current.

My birthday is tomorrow. That was my deadline for going full time. Am I on target? Actually yes, I think. Christmas weekend I was on my way out of town. (Where doesn't matter and gives away another story I need to write separately. :P) I made two stops here before I got underway. The pharmacy, and the gas station for a Red Bull to keep me alert. I was wearing horizontally striped grey tights, a black and grey empire waisted dress, a pea coat, and carrying a trendy little purse. Both places were completely fine with me and other customers barely gave me a second glance. Both clerks knew me, but seemed unsurprised and were cordial.

Since then I have made several trips into town dressed more casually, but not androgynously by any standard. People have been using correct pronouns and have been very nice at the local restaurants and pharmacies.

Last week I baked Christmas cookies with my awesome friends Jack and Diane. We were at my Granny's house and I wore a black low heeled boots, gender appropriate jeans, a lavender tank and a hoodie in a very girly cut. Full make up, natural curls and a silver bracelet rounded out the look. Mom came up for lunch and didn't mention my mode of dress.

Since then she has seen me coming and going from the house dressing as I choose. The day I came home wearing a pea coat, 3 inch heeled boots, jeans and a dressier top, I went straight to my room and came back out in a tank and jeans. She didn't mention it, but she looked like she had been crying as I changed clothes. It makes me sad that this is hard for her, but I'm very happy that she has chosen not to confront me.

My brother was in around Christmas as well. I had written him about my transition in advance and was worried about the visit. Things went well though. He felt a little distant, but he seemed comfortable. Things were much as they have always been between us, despite my change in appearance and it was very nice having him visit.

I've been a little pre-occupied lately and I've gotten off schedule as a result. I've not completed the work communications I intended to send before winter break. I'll probably still send some form of communication to coincide with the end of winter break. I still consider myself on schedule though, and I will be full time after tomorrow.

Monday I filed my name change petition. It was all fairly comfortable, despite a degree of nervousness. The Kentucky name change petition form is available online as a fillable .pdf file. I completed it, took it to the courthouse, asked around about the right department and they processed it and set my court date. January 4, 9:30 AM. Reason for request to change name? I simply typed "Transexual-Requesting name change in accordance with gender." Everyone was very professional about the filing of the petition.

I always imagined this would be scary. This was it. The big move. I had done the one thing that takes my transitioning status completely out of the realm of rumor and makes it a matter of written public record. This is bridge burning on a grand scale and I always thought that watching the flames, there would be fear. How will my family respond to my fully coming out? How will things go at work? How will this community respond? Despite all those unanswered questions I didn't feel at all afraid. I left with a deep contentment; a satisfaction that things are under way.

I'm sure there will be challenges in 2011, but there is this sense that everything is coming together for me. Between the new social aspects of my transition and other recent shifts in my life, I'm feeling happier and emotionally healthier than I ever have. =)

Star Crossed

2010-12-16T20:28:00.000-05:00

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Warning! This post is very sappy.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A few weekends ago, I was at a gathering. I had arrived on time ,which is odd for me, and things were going well. I was catching up with friends, having a good time. I felt confident, happy, and very much in control. I'm well into my transition. The remainder of the immediately possible steps are laid out nicely. I have wonderful friends. I was content, but I was about to be reminded of the one thing missing in my life. The one thing I wasn't allowing myself to think about, because I considered it out of reach and complicated, was about to suddenly become the center of my thoughts.

As I was sitting contentedly chatting a friend, the door opened to admit the most strikingly beautiful creature I have ever seen. She was so unusually beautiful that she caught my attention immediately and my first thoughts were of jealousy and comparison. I can be catty sometimes. :P

Then, as she scanned the room our eyes locked briefly, we each smiled, and something amazing happened. I was instantly captivated. For the remainder of the gathering I couldn't get her out of my mind. I never approached her and instead kept my original seat. I never made eye contact again. But I was just constantly aware of her presence - wondering if she noticed me and what I looked like from her angle of observation and silly things. I really wished I could talk to her but I wasn't sure how, and I wouldn't want her to figure out I was interested in her. If it turned out not to be mutual that would be just far to embarrassing.

Eventually as she was circulating around the room she approached me and a few friends, and we finally got to chat. We were standing face to face, and at this range she was even more beautiful than ever. Her eyes were so blue and brilliant. Her smile was breathtaking. Her voice was soft and quiet, with a touch of huskiness. I could have listened all day. I had this urge to reach up and brush her cheek with my fingers, and found myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss her lips.

As we talked it turned out we had quite a lot in common. We both work in technology, and our skill sets overlap somewhat. We are both kind of dorky and have some common interests. I felt shy talking to her. I rarely waste much energy thinking about things romantic, and my sudden interest in this girl had taken me completely off guard. I had no idea how to act. She seemed a bit shy as well and little things about our communication seemed to hint that she might be interested in me too.

One thing I worried about was her age. She looked to young for me. At one point the subject of age came up and upon reporting my age she seemed highly surprised and said she would have guessed another age; an age thirteen years younger than my real age. I asked her age and it turned out we were only five years apart, rather than twelve to thirteen years I would have guessed. I was so relieved that I just stared into her eyes smiling for a moment. She was smiling back.

At the end of the night we were among the last to leave, and we parted with a brief hug. Nothing romantic,;just the same friendly hug I would have given any friend. But I found myself wishing so much I could hold her tighter or kiss her good night. I walked to my car without looking back, and have scarcely thought of anything but her since.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Part 2 Later :P

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Prelude

2010-12-10T02:41:00.000-05:00

Its been a quiet few days on the blog, but there is lots happening with me right now. In fact, I think something happened Saturday that will effect the rest of my life in amazing ways, and every day since has been charged with positive emotion. I can't write just yet because there isn't enough time for a few days, but after this weekend I hope to be able to share my news.

Keep an eye on the blog roll, and I'm sorry I've been so distracted. :)

Monster

2010-12-02T19:24:00.001-05:00

Today after work I wanted a snack. Now a year on spironolactone, I have become accustomed to the sudden salt cravings that take me at strange times. It is nothing that a bag of barbecued pork rinds and a V-8 can't settle in a few moments. With that in mind I took a detour on my drive home and stopped at a gas station in my quiet little town.

It is a typical country store with a modern cookie cutter twist. Tobacco advertisements line the walls behind counter, along with assorted odds and ends for sale. Encased in glass on the counter a row of rottiserie chicken and other greasy edibles bask in the glow of a heat lamp. On the shelves the selection is much like any other fuel stop in the United States and the building is a very typical gas station type structure; the kind that even if you tore out the pumps and left it standing derelict for a century, you would still be able to tell it was originally a gas station. This one generally has a very down home feel even though I have never known exactly why. Maybe it is just that it is never quite completely clean and there is a well worn feel to the place. Maybe it is that the staff is almost always incredibly nice.

Today there was a bit of a line and I didn't know the clerk. I was feeling ill at ease and wished things would hurry along. It had been a long day that ended with hanging a very heavy projector mount in a drop ceiling. My makeup was worn out, my hair was frazzled and the red crew neck I wore over a long sleeved green thermal showed traces of the dust I had hastily brushed away before entering.

While I was standing there waiting my turn to check out I noticed the guy behind me was incredibly close. If he had been any closer I could have probably felt his breath down my neck. I suppressed a giggle. Obviously he had no idea who I was. Most men would never violate my personal space in this town for fear of me, or if not that then fear of being seen that close to me.

Maybe I wasn't looking terrible after all I thought to myself. Still I was aware of the dust, the tousled hair, and the fact that I had ceased shaving yesterday in preparation for more electrolysis on Saturday. The insecurity mounted. Then I looked outside through the window and a reflection caught my eye. Suddenly my insecurities seemed well founded. Behind me and the guy standing so close was a short lady a bit older than me. She was leaning out of the line and craning her head in my general direction. I knew immediately she was looking at me. In hind sight I am not so sure, but at the moment I was sure she was trying to get a glimpse of the infamous local tranny.

At the counter the clerk took his time checking out the two people ahead of me. "Have a good evening ma'am." "Have a good evening sir." He was tall and lean. Probably fifteen years older than me, with a slow drawl and a friendly manner. I stepped to the counter and his manner completely changed. Without a word he scanned my items. Beside me the man who had been immediately behind me had suddenly seen fit to give me lots more space once he had seen me in profile. I had laid a five on the counter and the clerk didn't bother to mention a price. Instead he quietly slipped the five off of the counter and never met my eyes until he handed me my change.

For that second that he was looking at me I decided I wanted to at least try to come across as friendly and non-threatening so I smiled. For the effort I got a hesitant thank you. I told him to have a good evening and headed for the door. As I touched the door the awkward silence broke. "Haven't seen you in a while!" the clerk said to the man in line behind me.

I walked to the car quietly contemplating the nature of my local infamy.

Work Fashion Preview

2010-11-27T08:58:00.000-05:00

A sampling of my new work wardrobe stuff.

Shopping and Catching Up With Friends

2010-11-24T14:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't gotten to hang out with my two favorite local friends very much lately. So when (hmm, lets make up some names....) Jack and Diane invited me out of town last Saturday I jumped at the chance!

The trip was required for Jack, who had an all day meeting. That left Diane and I with a girl's day out sort of situation, which was just awesome! We had lots of time to chat and catch up, ate some Taco Bell for lunch in the car, sat on a bench on the college campus for a long chat, and drove around checking out the town. It was all just great.

But the highpoint was the shopping. We hit Factory Connection and the merchandise and prices were amazing. I've mentioned for a while now that I need work clothes and that I have a hard time shopping for them. When I think about work I always imagine that I'm going to be under my co-workers' microscope and completely over analyzed this January. Thinking about it makes me feel a need to over-analyze too, and to make sure every purchase is inscrutable.

When I walked into this store, I was hit with much the same feeling. I just started going through the racks, feeling overwhelmed by all the worries. Shopping for clothes is easy. Shopping for acceptance-not so much.

Diane was great though and helped me get past it. She started pointing out things she knew I would like. She was so excited about all of her finds and the enthusiasm was contagious. Before long, I was actually picking out pieces to too, and once the dressing room was unlocked and I had tried on a few things, I was pretty much unstoppable!

I ended up with stuff that is work appropriate, flattering and very much in sync with my sense of style. I didn't hold back and this trip marks a complete departure from the androgynous clothing choices I've made in the past few months. I think I am geared up for the entire winter season now. After winter break I will be full time, and my limited wardrobe was one of the biggest remaining hurdles. It is very exciting to finally have that sorted. I love the way I look in all these clothes too, which helps my confidence. And coming out at work, confidence is always a good thing. :)

After Jack got out he had Taco Bell too, and then we hit the next town over and shopped Burke's Outlet. Jack and Diane walked around checking out the whole store. I had a very specific purpose in mind though. For my coming out I have clothes, shoes and outerwear all covered. But I needed a nice versatile bag.

In the end I found a brown metallic Kathy Van Zeeland bag at an outrageously low price. It is probably the nicest bag I have ever had, and the color should prove versatile.

I've really always wanted the convenience of being able to carry a bag. I stopped carrying men's wallets two years ago, and since then everything I carry on a daily basis gets shuffled between coat boxes, the car glove box, pants pockets, desk drawers and my laptop case all day. Then on weekends when I am out, it all gets migrated into luggage and purses. Its very hard to keep up with anything this way.

It is going to be so wild, being able to just put everything in a bag and always know where it is. As my first bag for every day carry, I'll probably end up developing quit an attachment to it. I also got a wallet and a 7 day pill box to take care of my remaining storage needs.

In Burke's we ran into one of my co-workers, who was, according to Jack and Diane, sneaking around trying to get a good enough look to positively identify me. I really wasn't dressed for greeting co-workers, in much less androgynous clothing than I generally pick for around the office. They are used to turtlenecks, crew necks and such, not off the shoulder cowl necks and embroidered stretchy jeans with rhinestones all the way down the sides. I could not leave the bag though, so I decided to take my chances and check out anyway. She ended up striking up a conversation with Jack and Diane as they waited in line behind me and I knew at that point I had definitely been made. I still didn't turn around though. I'm full time in just a few work weeks and the game is up. No worries!

After Burke's we all got sandwiches at Penn Station (where they wrote me up as Shana yet again.) Then we headed home for an evening of chatting and watching movies. We picked Avatar, which turned out to be a bit of a let down. Diane pointed out some similarities between it and Pocahontas and we ended up making fun of most of the first half. Then the movie got more serious and I ended up getting drawn in despite all the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 type commentary, and the presence of umpteen gazziolion cliches, from the bad ass marine with a heart of gold, to the stereotypical tomboy femme fatale pilot, and General Duke Nukem.

I stayed over night and Sunday we watched Steel Magnolias, which I could write a whole separate blog on. I have an acne spot beside my right eye that probably has something to do with all the crying I did. Steve fell asleep. LOL!

We spent the last part of the evening on a technical project for Diane's class. I love that sort of thing so I enjoyed helping out, and learned some software stuff I didn't know too!

Monday morning it was hard to believe the weekend was over, but it was only a two day week and I was feeling so confident had happy after the wonderful weekend. I was very productive and happy for those two days.

In the hall during the last class change of the day a student stopped me. "I saw you this weekend!" she exclaimed happily.

"Oh, where at?" I asked, more curious than alarmed.

"Burke's."

"Oh yeh!" I said, and waved as I made my way down the hall.

These dreams move on.

2010-11-24T09:09:00.001-05:00

Is it cloak 'n dagger?
Could it be spring or fall?
I walk without a cut,
through a stained glass wall.
Weaker in my eyesight,
the candle in my grip,
and words that have no form
are falling from my lips.

-Heart

A few months ago I wrote a silly blog about a romantic dream I had. In the comments I ended up discussing the snake dream that used to wake me often. It started happening in my childhood. In the dream I was always walking somewhere and would suddenly spot a coiled snake in range to strike. Then I would start running but everywhere I went there would be more and more snakes. I would run past them faster and faster, my speed making it harder to spot them on time to stop or turn before being bitten.

In the comments last time I mentioned that those dreams started to happen less often after I started transition and eventually ceased all together.

Last week I dreamed about snakes again for the first time in two years. It started the same as ever. I was walking along, this time through my parents' house, and happened upon a partially hidden snake at close range. Normally my mind would have cast it as a threat and I would have began running and then my subconscious would have generated more snakes to terrorize me as I ran. This time though something different happened. My sleeping brain decided to cast it as a pet. As I looked at the snake, I knew I was supposed to take care of it. I was somewhat afraid of the snake, but I felt responsible for it. As it crawled around the house, I had to keep the dogs from killing it, keep it away from Kupo, my parrot, and try to protect it form people who might accidentally step on a creature of such short stature.

Toward the end I rolled over the back part of its tail with an office chair and I was absolutely terrified that I might have hurt the snake and was doing my best to nurture and mend the poor thing.

I'm not big on dream interpretation but when you have a scary dream all of your life, then it quits happening, and the object of your dream returns cast in a totally different light, it is hard for even a skeptic not to wonder if there is some meaning behind it.

Maybe the snake represents my gender issues, and while I was terrified and running, I am now trying to address those issues, to take care of it. That is sort of like the snake I suppose. Last time this was discussed in blog comments I looked up a meaning that suggested snakes are often guardians in dreams, locking away primal parts of your nature. I am a woman and I kept that locked away and tried not to face it for years. Maybe the snakes in my previous dreams were guardians of that locked away portion of my nature, and now that I've accepted and begun to express my gender I don't need fearsome guardians to bar that door any more so my sleeping brain now casts the snake in a different light

At any rate, I was terrified of those dreams as a child, and ran from the snakes several times a month well into adulthood. Then as I started to come to terms with my gender issues the dreams stopped. And now, on the cusp of presenting full time in my proper gender, the snake is back in my dreams but I'm not running. I'm nurturing it. That shift from fear to nurture is what makes it so intriguing to me.

There have been lots of other shifts in my dreams too. My own physical manifestation in dreams has always been very closely tied to reality. I was always cast physically male, but not happy with it. I never dreamed of an idealized me, but rather of the image that haunted me in the mirror daily in my waking life. The same was true with my treatment in dreams by other people. Much as in real life, I was generally treated as male.

When I started going part time, it changed a little. Sometimes I would be cast in that role, and I would be wondering in my dreams if I was getting clocked and if I was about to get outed. Sometimes there were moments in dreams when I would be talking to some imaginary dream person and they would realize my biological origins and their demeanor would change. Just like in reality. All the fears in my real life follow me into my dreams with a very direct representation with no symbolism really involved.

Now as my confidence builds, I'm generally socially accepted as a girl in my dreams, and the fears of being outed aren't there as often. I'm troubled by such thoughts less when I am encountering new people in reality, so I guess it makes sense that such fears have less impact on my dreams now.

Since lots of things are represented directly in my dreams, it seems logical that the snakes might actually represent snakes and noting more. I have always been afraid of them. But if so the sudden change in the snake's role in my dream doesn't make any sense. I saw one in person toward the end of this summer and my heart was racing. As I settled afterward I actually felt shaky, stiff, and a bit dizzy. So the new dream definitely isn't based on a new bravery toward the concept of snakes. :P

To me the whole thing feels like some sort of subconscious graduation. LOL!

Mistaken Identity...

2010-11-21T19:49:00.000-05:00

This post has some made up names in it. LOL!

*~*~*~*~*~*

Today I walked into a local store. I was looking rough. I had worn makeup the day before, had not washed my face because I was staying over night with friends and went to bed late. Basically I just got up this morning, brushed my teeth, threw on my more androgynous clothes from Friday and hit the store for something me and my friends could fix quickly for lunch.

When I got to the counter with my Tostino's party pizzas, Lay's chips and Tostito's queso, the clerk gave me an odd look. My first thought was that she just thought I was weird looking. It turned out that instead she was trying to decide whether she recognized me.

"Are you Cindy's daughter?"

"Er... No, I'm Bill and Jeana Darkstar's ....." I faltered. Daughter was on the tip of my tongue and I so wanted to say it. But this is a small community and everyone mostly knows everyone. She would realize right away that to her knowledge Mom and Dad have no daughters. And if word got back that I was saying I was female already, it would push things to fast. My coming out is still a month away. I thought it through quickly before finishing my sentence. "....son."

It stung to say it. I am a woman and being recognized as my true gender is always a triumph. Especially when I'm presenting in such a natural state. It felt awful refuting her completely accurate gender assertion. The word "son" tasted bitter in my mouth.

She looked completely confused. "What?", she asked with a quiet politeness.

"I'm Bill and Jeana Darkstar's....." I trailed off, unable to speak that bitter word a second time, and still regretting the first time.

She paused and thought a long moment before saying "You look a lot like Cindy Darkstar's daughter."

I was blushing. The girl she had confused me with is a distant cousin 7 years younger than me. Pretty high praise for a mid transition transexual girl coming off of a long day of shopping and a long night of movie watching who hasn't shaved, done make up, or combed her hair in 36 hours.

She tried to apologize, and I told her it was fine. She told me that I'm pretty either way. "That's a good thing right?"

I thanked her for the compliment and we said our good byes. As I was stepping away from the counter we both said "Thank ya' much." in perfect unison. So odd because I don't think I've ever heard anyone besides me say exactly that line. 15 years ago I would have said "JINX!" LOL!

I left the store feeling extremely good about myself and with a sudden burst of energy.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There have been so many positive signs this weekend. But the rest of the story is a bit longer and more involved. Maybe I'll get to type it all up tomorrow. Right now though, I'm just feeling incredibly blessed and very much prepared for coming out completely during the late part of next month. I've got the most amazing friends, and transition is going wonderfully. Just so many blessings and I'm trying very hard to relish it all and take none of it for granted. :)

An Email

2010-11-21T08:52:00.001-05:00

For a few weeks now I've been saying that I absolutely must open communication with my brother by some means. Shortly after those early mentions I wrote an email that came out to be fairly lengthy. I opened by mentioning how hard it was to tell him in particular because the importance of his opinion and because I hate to worry him. From there I gave a description of what it means to be transexual, a brief history of my lifelong issues, and a rundown of my current situation. The huge steps coming in the near future were also discussed in short. I closed with the most important part; that whether he approves or understands, I hope that our relationship will not be damaged.

I read the letter over, occasionally making small changes, over the past few weeks. No matter what though, it always felt blunt and jarring. So I never sent it. That is until last Wednesday. The holidays are fast approaching, everyone in the county knows yet my own brother does not. Something had to be done. I reread the letter a few more times that evening and made a few small adjustments. I realized at this point that no matter how you say it, there is no way to comfortably tell a very close friend and relative that you are transexual. I could text, I could call, write a shorter email, a longer email. In the end, emotionally it will be very much the same for the person receiving the communication. There is no magical way to make it all easier.

My cursor hovered over the Send button for quite a while. I wasn't scared like I have been sending similar emails over the past few years. There was just a sense of gravity and anticipation. He is one of the most important people in my life. When I clicked Send finally, there was a strong sense of relief and I went to bed happy. I had finally opened one of the most important lines of communication I ever would.

I. I was a bit nervous waiting for a response, but not disappointed. I knew it would take some time for him to digest the information, and that the actual response might not be easy to write. I checked at every opportunity, excited for news, but did not truly expect to hear anything back before the weekend.

Friday when I found his name in my Inbox I smiled. As I read I just wished I could hug him. He wrote back a letter every bit as long as what I had sent, and it was very clear that it was just as well thought out. He told me that he had known something was up with me for a while, but had not known exactly. The rumors had not found their way to him and Mom and Dad had hardly mentioned it. He suspects our parents had decided to stay vague to shield him for now. I find that very likely. That was one of the reasons I waited to tell him too. He is just so busy with school and work, and didn't need more to worry about.

He said it was hard to understand, but was trying and it would take time. He wrote that he intends to be supportive though and that I'll hold no less of a place in his heart, though it is almost like having someone new step into the place reserved for his brother. He also mentioned that his fiance is very supportive of me, which was great news as well. One of my favorite thing about his letter is that toward the end he was comfortable interjecting a bit of humor.

His response seemed very sincere and caring, and I couldn't have asked for more. =)

More of my insane spontaneity.

2010-11-16T20:19:00.001-05:00

Last weekend was supposed to be mostly relaxing. I had an electrolysis appointment in Lexington, but after that I was going to call friends in the area, see if anyone wanted to hang out for a bit, then drive home before dark and settle in to rest and take care of things at home for the rest of the weekend.

Instead, while I was in electrolysis, I got a call from my friend Debbie in Louisville, another hour and a half from home. They were wanting to have dinner out, then go to another restaurant that was presenting live music at the bar. I explained that I was recovering from electrolysis, had no luggage, no clothes, was dressed ridiculously casual. She offered full access to her closet (we were the same size until she dropped a dress size this year) mentioned that another friend had left a bag of shoes in my size that I was to take home and could therefore use. Being a Mary Kay rep she offered me access to a wide array of beauty supplies to make up for my lack of luggage. It seemed doable!

I explained to my parents that I was extending my trip and told about my plans. Mom seemed fairly comfortable with it so I started on to Louisville. I arrived with plenty of time, so Debbie and I ran out to Kroger so I could get a few cheap essentials I was short on since I wasn't packed for travel. While there Debbie talked me into dying my hair before we went out.

I've never done home color but Debbie talked me into Clairol Natural Instincts in Nutmeg. I was nervous about it, and my first impression afterward was not at all good. It seemed to kill my natural highlights and low lights, leaving an unnaturally flat and uniform color. It looks fine as I write now several days later, but on the night in question I was terrified. :P

Debbie suggested a few possibilities for my evening wardrobe, but in the end we both preferred a black velour fitted shift dress. The dress was a major confidence boost - almost enough to counter not having my own colors of makeup, the uni-tone hair, and the facial swelling from electrolysis. Up until now, I have not been very confident about my figure being dramatic enough and tended to pick stretchy dresses to push for every bit of curvature I could show. This dress lay lightly across my curves, not too tight or too loose, but just perfectly following the contour of my body as if tailored for me.

As I was preparing to leave I had such a funny moment. I was walking down Debbie's hall, and at the end is a full length mirror. Standing there was someone who looked like me, yet more refined. Pearls and a classy black shift, with black angle boots and a strand of pearls. Watching myself glide down the hall toward the mirror I was near laughter. Maybe for one night I could trick people into thinking this Taco Bell chick actually belongs in five star restaurants.

We met up with the rest of our friends and had a great dinner at Winston's. The food was far costlier than I am accustomed to, but it was quite nice. I had 3 little medallion cut steak things under a bleu cheese sauce and garnished with.... I have no idea. At any rate it was good, and the atmosphere was nice.

After that we proceeded to Jack Ruby's downtown. The band was great and I felt pretty comfortable despite the elitist crowd. Out of our party of five, three of us were either CD or TS and quite tall, making pass-ability somewhat of a challenge. The other transgender girls in my party seemed very uncomfortable with the attention, but I didn't care. No one said anything out of the way but the group at the next table over ask to pose for photos with us at our table, which I found a bit insulting. Though they were very polite and gracious about the whole thing it still left me feeling like a bit of a curiosity.

Afterward we went bar hopping. Our options were limited because a few of us had come without IDs. We ended up at some hole in the wall called the Monkeywrench. They had a live reggae band, practically no one was on the first floor, and the first floor smelled like marijuana. A blonde with dreadlocks trippin' on drugs opened a rather one sided conversation with us that mostly consisted of telling us to "Stay cool." and other such sage advice. Tina would have loved her, as she was incredibly mellow. LOL! After about 15 minutes in the bar we decided it wasn't really our scene and decided to move on. She left us with the parting words "Hey ladies, be nice." Next we were at the Back Door, which has a pool hall/road house kind of feel. It was a rough looking crowd but we were treated well.

We all got home by 2 AM, but Debbie and I chatted until 4. We were all supposed to be back up and ready for brunch by 11 AM, so I only slept until 9. Sunday was hectic. My confidence from the previous night was gone with the black dress back in the closet and again wearing my jeans and top from the day before. I managed to have a good time at brunch anyway though.

We ended the day with shopping at Dillard's but I didn't buy anything. I'm not really sure what I want to wear for work. Usually I can shop for stuff that catches my eye and shop without over thinking it. But in January I can't break this feeling that I have something to prove and I keep worrying and overcomplicating the decisions. :P

I enjoyed my trip, but by the end I was so ready to be home. Shorty after I hit the road though I realized I had left my phone in Mary's car. Hmm, no phone. I can't find any house in town except Debbie's without help, and ten minutes until Debbie was leaving for work. I rushed back to her house and caught her just before she left and she called Mary who had already found my phone and voicemailed Debbie. While she was waiting for me at Oxford mall I got lost, couldn't find her on the lot and I was stressed about wasting part of her weekend waiting around.

I hated getting a late start but it was nice getting to chat Mary for a bit. I've only met her on two trips but she is one of the most encouraging people I've ever been around. Debbie had asked me at brunch when I planned to do GRS and such and Mary seemed legitimately shocked that I wasn't finished. She said she had just assumed. At Jack Ruby's she said I was one of the prettiest girls there, and I think she actually meant it. Her compliment came as pretty high praise in that haughty crowd and eased the sense of inferiority I was fighting at the time. Just incredibly sweet.

It was a whirlwind weekend and I didn't feel at all rested Monday morning, and all the food and drinks were too costly, but it was definitely all worth it for time with my amazing friends. :)

VLOG: Electrolysis Update

2010-11-11T20:25:00.000-05:00

Yes, one of my rare, and terribly boring vlogs. If reading my nonsense in the previous post didn't put you to sleep, here's a brand new shot at Shandy Alexis dullness. :P

Pronoun Confusion and an Aside Regarding Bras.

2010-11-11T19:16:00.000-05:00

I was in a computer lab trying to assist a teacher with the recovery of some missing writing assignments stuck out on the network somewhere. One of the students began logging in, though it was pretty much a waste with the issues we had at the time.

So the teacher said, "Wait until he- Wait 'til ... is done working on them!" I felt so sorry for her. The rumors are out there, and my presentation is mostly in order, yet I'm still not officially out. So awkward for everyone. It was very considerate of her to try avoiding "he", I think.

This pushing the edge of androgyny grows more awkward by the day. People who read my blog regularly are very familiar with my current mode of dress. Women's jeans, stretchy women's tops in gender neutral colors and necklines. I wear my hair as curly and voluminous as I wish, and I don't shy away from makeup, though I try not to get to carried away. Male elements? Pretty much just the shoes, or if it is very cold I sometime's use a men's button up shirt as a cover up part of the day. The shoes are a sort of odd hold out. As long as people are calling me he and I can't correct them, it just feels odd wearing something that makes a blatant gender statement. My clothes hint strongly at my gender, but by cut, shape and fit only. Most of the shoes in my wardrobe go well beyond that. It is the same for jewelry. My ears need re-pierced now, but, I would gladly wear studs to work, while the styles I actually prefer, I would probably never consider until out.

That probably sounds like an awkward enough presentation as it is, with people widely regarding me as male, with no word from me to the contrary. But the really odd part? I almost never wear a bra. There are two reasons. The first is much like the shoes, earrings, or tops of gender specific style. A bra generally can't be 100% hidden under the types of top I wear, and makes a very, very strong gender statement. The, other thing is that everyone there has seen me completely flat chested for 8 years, and suddenly rocking up to work wearing a bra, people would probably think I was faking having breasts. For some reason the idea of someone thinking that irritates me to no end. Being flat chested has always been a source of major embarrassment and insecurity for me. Of course I'm still fairly flat chested, but I'm not totally flat chested.

So my solution has been to intentionally demonstrate for a time that I actually should be wearing a bra. It sounds pretty crazy I'm sure and a lot of my friends are puzzled by this strategy. I suspect it is equally confusing for people at work. Really I've probably already made my point, but that still leaves the first issue. That I am not technically out. I really doubt anyone is going to understand my logic on this one, but at least I tried.

Today I heard the word "boobs" in hushed tones twice as I entered classrooms, and lots of indecipherable murmurs as kids glanced/smirked/stared in my general direction. The subject may not have been me, but the timing seems suspicious, and it happens often. I'm feeling self conscious but if I can hold out until the start of Christmas break, it's all going to get easier as I can settle into a normal presentation. If I can just pull this off a little longer without embarrassing myself it will all be fine.

Sometimes I wish I could move. I never have to think about this stuff in Lexington, where people don't know my past. This is just the most awkward place I could possibly be right now. I'm so self conscious about being perceived as male and it leaves me completely insecure. Worrying about the perception of everyone around me keeps me nervous and anxiety always runs high. There are a million instances that cause me no stress anywhere else in the world that leave me feeling inferior and ready to run away in this awkward in-between presentation, surrounded by people who have always perceived me as male. I so wish I could explain it better.

Let the psych analysis begin...

*~*~*~*~*~*

A Meeting...

2010-11-09T01:08:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to work feeling great, for a Monday. Fresh off of a weekend in Lexington visiting my friends and taking in some much needed electrolysis, with a solid eight hours of sleep I was feeling ready for a productive day. Things started out very routine. I walked down to the library to get the specifics on a work order and chatted with the librarian for a bit about everything from hair to migraines, then returned to my desk to catch up on email.

The phone rang. I picked it up to find my boss on the line and suddenly things felt a little less routine and I was anxious. For the past few months I have felt out of the loop, and my boss never calls more than once per week.

After the briefest of hellos, he asked me to come down to the office. My routine Monday skidded to a halt. If he wanted to talk shop, he would do it over the phone, and for most types of meetings he would volunteer the specifics unprompted. I wanted to ask what was up, but if he didn't want to discuss it over the phone there was no point pressing the issue. I simply agreed. Whatever was happening, it was transition related. Was I being fired? Was someone complaining about my appearance? Was this going to be some sort of ultimatum?

I drove to the new technology office trying to remain calm. My heart was racing though. I was imagining more vividly than ever the choices I would have to make if I lost my job. My worries only solidified as I climbed the stairs to the new technology office in a former grade school building where my boss and the other technician have set up shop, their desks facing each other from opposite ends of what was once a classroom.

The distance between me and these two men has always been there to some degree, especially in the last year. But the new office is the premier sign of the near total communication break down that has come in the past months. They set up the move in private, told me of it barely before they intended to start packing, and didn't include me in the discussion of what resources would stay and which would go. Besides that, I was never invited. There were a few logical reasons for my remaining behind, but it was very clear to me at the time that I was not wanted here.

I opened the door without knocking and found my boss at his desk with the other tech standing alongside looking at the same screen. The tech nodded in my direction and announced my arrival to my boss in a low tone. I greeted them. My supervisor answered but the other tech did not. They continued their discussion then the tech left to work on something.

The conversation segued into things more directly effecting my work and eventually my boss mentioned that when things are slow at the high school I can help out in the main office with network administrative tasks. Then he suggested meeting weekly so that we can all stay coordinated. After these thoughts were explored briefly he mentioned the main reason for the visit. The Board's administrative staff was wanting to meet with me about my transition. I told him any day would be fine, and that I would send out an email to the meeting participants explaining things so that they could decide on their questions. He said they wanted to meet right away.

At this point my fear started to dissipate. He went on to tell me that they just wanted to find out what was going on and see if they could assist in making my transition more comfortable basically. I wasn't sure that was strictly all there was too it, but I felt ready emotionally, even if on a more concrete level I really had no idea what to say. Except for the shoes, I looked pretty presentable and was feeling confident after a great weekend with supportive friends. I could do this.

I walked into assistant superintendent's office and took a seat. My boss and the federal programs director were to attend as well, but they weren't in the room yet. The assistant super was very kind and conversational and we chatted about some issues he had setting up a new computer and peripherals for his Dad. He said he had thought about calling me for advice on it over the course of weekend.

Then my boss and the federal programs director arrived. We all chatted for a few moments, no one seeming to know quite how to broach the topic at hand. Eventually though the assistant super brought the meeting to order. During a lull in the conversation he just said he had called me in because he wanted to talk to me about my transition, which has become common knowledge. I smiled. It has indeed become common knowledge, and I was feeling a little silly for handling my transition in such an unusual way that they were approaching me about this instead of the other way round.

I explained that by the end of winter break I intended to go full time, and to have everything handled regarding my name change. I didn't really get into the details of what it means to be transgender, or a history of my transition to date. There were questions about my eventual operation and how much down time would be involved. They asked whether I am currently being harassed. I explained that mostly co-workers have treated me professionally and that harassment from students has fallen off sharply, basically no longer posing a problem.

The bathroom issue came up. I explained that I don't use student facilities for either gender currently and do not intend to in the future. I told them I would be using single occupant staff restrooms only, not bothering to mention a gender. They didn't ask for clarification, seeming mostly comfortable with that response. My boss mentioned that in my stage of transition the restroom situation must be awkward for me. I joked around about the men's room situations I've had, and everyone seemed to find it pretty humorous. I explained that outside the county where no one knows my past, such situations aren't awkward at all, as I can go into a women's restroom anywhere without it troubling anyone.

The federal programs director asked me how much more I intend to change the way I dress. I told her that generally I dress fairly casual and wear jeans and such at work because I never know which days will be desk work and when I could suddenly need to climb into a ceiling and run wires instead. I went on to say that on days that I wish to do something more dressy I will, within the limits of the dress code everyone else follows. We moved on to the next topic.

In the end they asked why I expected some degree of backlash once I went official, since there was really very little further presentation change on the way. I explained that by the time I went to the courthouse and requested a name change, finished taking the masculine elements out of my wardrobe and started requesting that people start using the right pronouns, that it probably would generate some interest.

They asked if there was anything they could do to make things easier. Continued employment and a cooperative attitude is plenty. I told them that I love my job and that being able to be myself without it interfering with my work was all I wanted.

As I said it I cried. The tears were almost brimming over. I'm glad I managed to keep them back because my mascara doesn't even border on water proof. There seemed to be a bit of an emotional response from almost everyone at this point.

The assistant super adjourned the meeting and the federal programs director gave me a hug and said she would help me anyway she can. I like everyone present at this meeting, but I also know things in this system tend to move with political undercurrents working below the surface and the ripples on top don't always truly imply what they immediately suggest. After the meeting adjourned no one left immediately except me.

I am very happy that they took the initiative and opened a dialog with me. I have been meaning to open communication for a few weeks now but have fallen behind on my timeline. Now I am suddenly back on schedule despite my inaction. I still need to decide how to make the staff in the district aware of the situation so that they know what is happening and how to address me. Should I handle it myself, or should I discuss it with central office now so that they can be prepared to send out something more official in my support, if they are willing?

Off hand I am think I would rather just send my own message to everyone and then deal with breaches in etiquette casually as they arise. To this point things have been slow and subtle, and I've counted on kindness and respect instead of trying to twist arms. It has worked and most people have responded well to me. Changing track now and insisting that the board require people to address me properly seems unnecessary.

However that pans out I'm so excited. No matter how things play out this is a huge step. :)

Very Interesting

2010-10-27T23:03:00.001-04:00

I came out to another co-worker! She already knew generally what was happening and I think I learned more from her than she did from me. For instance, lots of the men at work are extremely uncomfortable about this and speculate quite a bit. My boss told her that implying that what I am doing is okay is saying that God makes mistakes. Her boss actually asked her to snoop around and find out for him a while back, whether I am transexual. None of that surprises me, but a little more affirmation always paints a clearer picture.

Not everything I found out was bad though. She said it's mainly men that have a problem with me. I told her I was going full time by the end of the year, and she told me I already am full time, and that I make a lot better looking girl than guy. She figured I was probably getting a lot of flak over everything and had noticed that there is pepper spray on my keychain. Said she had mentioned the pepper spray to another co-worker, who said that I was to sweet to be bothered and that if anyone was harassing me she would beat them up! :)

She told me a really funny story too. While I was at central office earlier in the week, a guy I didn't know walked in and joined the conversation at the front desk. Apparently he ended up asking about "that girl here earlier, with the curly hair."

I was called Miss Shannon again today, this time by a substitute teacher while working in a classroom.

I'm so happy with the way things are going! I'm going full time soon. :)

Then-Now-Whoah! :P

2010-10-25T22:37:00.001-04:00

The last few days have been so positive. Friday, I switched from the pharmacy I chose for privacy over an hour away, to my local pharmacy. The convenience is nice, but even more importantly it indicates my progress over the past year. I got my first written prescription 15 months ago and the thought of trying the local pharmacy then barely crossed my mind. I imagined having to go in completely in a male mode of dress, with prescriptions that could only mean one thing. It was easy to picture them being rude and I could imagine the rumors that would start. It was unthinkable, and so I chose something more distant.

Even an hour and a half away there was the possibility that a pharmacist or tech could be from my home town. For the first few months I was extremely nervous about going. They were some of the few people in my part of the world who knew about my transition in those early days, and I felt self conscious. Because of the distance it was usually necessary to leave straight from work, and I would get made up and change in my car so that I could present myself with s bit more confidence. Still it was stressful back then. On days that I didn't have time to change clothes and put on makeup I felt miserable going there looking male.

Now everything is so different. I can leave on my lunch break, drive 3 minutes to the local pharmacy, and walk right in. I wasn't at all nervous the first visit and the idea that word could get out didn't bother me at all. I'm ready for people to know. My work presentation and physical transition has evolved enough that I felt completely confident wearing my work clothes, which are mostly gender appropriate (except the shoes LOL!) It is just hard to believe that a year ago I was sneaking away to a place an hour away and finding deserted parking lots to do my makeup on. Everyone was nice to me as well.

It's a simple change, but I think it indicates how much more comfortable I'm becoming with myself, my home town and the people around me. Sunday I went to the lake with my parents. Mom didn't suggest that I wear a coverup over the V neck thermal I chose. Today one of my calls got disconnected and the caller was routed to Kim when she called back. When Kim handed the phone off to me she told the caller "Here they are, I'll put them on." Rather than he and him.

Shortly after the call, I was still in Kim's office and a student came in looking for me. She asked Kim if she could "speak to Miss Shannon." Lots of students are smiling and greeting me now too, even some of the guys!

I think it's all coming together and I can't remember the last time I felt this hopeful about my future here. :)

A Cage of My Own Design

2010-10-21T21:47:00.000-04:00

A few days ago while checking email at work I realized that October is drawing to a close. Seems like only a blink ago when it was still September and I was telling myself that if electrolysis recovery was smooth and didn't effect my appearance negatively, that I should feel confident to go full time by the end of October. As I thought about it I realized I still could not see myself standing in line at the courthouse for a name change. It felt impossible and unreal.

I sifted my thoughts, looking for the source of my hesitation. They were myriad. I'm not satisfied with my fall wardrobe. I need shoes, bags, more work appropriate fall tops. With what I have now, I'm just not going to have the confidence. Then there is my brother in Ohio. I've still told him nothing. He should probably know. Those are things that I can quickly resolve though, I realized. I could hop on the Kohl's and Zappo's websites and round out my fall wardrobe with a few pieces easily. I had already written my brother and all I had to do was simply hit the send button.

The one thing I could not get past though was Mom. I thought back to the weekend, when they invited me out for dinner. As I stepped out the door she reminded me, as she often does, that I was only wearing one shirt. At the time I had been wearing a snug navy crew neck tee with close fitting London Jeans. At the time I felt hurt and angry. It was an insult. It was her telling me that I look to weird to wear a tee shirt and jeans without some big long floppy shirt to cover up my shape. It was her telling me that she was embarrassed of me. it washer saying I should be embarrassed of myself, that I needed to cover up. Every time she says it I grit my teeth and find myself wanting to tell the truth.

I wanted to tell her that my little secret was already out, that I was not embarrassed of my body, that I actually had a degree of pride for the first time in my life and that her shame couldn't take that away from me. But I didn't say anything. I just went back inside and put on a giant men's shirt down past my ass and hit the door looking like a figureless scarecrow.

If I couldn't even stand up to her enough to handle that, how was I ever going to tell her that I was going full time? So that was the truth I realized. I'm not going to be ready to tell her by the end of October. After November starts I will feel I can't upset the holidays with this upheaval. If I don't act now, then in January I will probably have a brand new excuse.

I stepped into the hall. (My name is not Kimble, but lets pretend for a sec, for privacy sake. :P ) A student stopped me. "Mr. Kimb.......... Ms. Kimble?"

The girl was wanting to ask me if I had found a keychain in the lab that I was just leaving, but I was still stuck on Miss. Kimble. I get called Miss. But here, I'm not fully out and I wasn't expecting anyone to say that for a while. I was so happy, I couldn't stop smiling. You would have to be pretty sure about what is going on with me to feel comfortable using that title. How much more evidence do I need that it is time to move on?

Today I was in a classroom and a teacher refereed to me as a gentleman. As he said it one of the girls in the class glanced up and made eye contact with me. There was this sense that she had looked up specifically to gauge my reaction. Most people seem content not to bat titles and pronouns around unnecessarily relating to me. I've mostly graduated from tech guy to "tech person" this year, and there's only a hand full of people who ever call me sir. Something as unnecessary as "move so this gentleman can .....blah blah blah..." had caught me completely off guard. As the girl glanced up to check my reaction, I probably looked pretty angry.

I've got to get past this awkward stage. Everyone knows, and by continuing to hide I'm just making everything more difficult than it needs to be. I've been advancing slowly, laying the ground work. There have been no sudden moves, but rather a gradual shift. But its like getting into a cold pool. You can dip a toe and slowly start tempering, but there still comes a time when you have to take the plunge. I think I'm there. I must stand up to Mom and put this in-between phase behind me. It's time to settle this.

Zap: Follicles Under Attack

2010-10-19T19:29:00.001-04:00

It has been a while since I've written, and things have been fairly eventful. Usually under those circumstances I write up some massive, blathering, sleepy chronological thing to try to catch back up. This time though I'm going to try to do better and cover different topics separately.

So, let's start with electrolysis. A few weeks ago, it became obvious that I needed to switch over. There is very little hair left, and laser doesn't seem to effect many hairs each session anymore. Shortly before that an electrologist came to the Transkentucky meeting on a session I missed, and I kept hearing good things about her.

A few weeks ago I called. She was extremely nice and we chatted for some time. During the conversation she seemed both competent and nice. She eased a lot of my fears about recovery time and raised my confidence in the technology.

Since then I have had two one hour sessions, two weeks apart. Those have went very well. The pain is minimal and the skin looks almost completely normal within just a few hours. Unlike laser, each hair is individually tweezed so there is no waiting for weeks to see how much will shed. Also I was able to shave comfortably the very next day. This is so much easier than laser that it would be easy to start worrying that the settings are too low. But each time a hair is tweezed it comes out without a sharp sensation; no feeling except friction. I think that is a good sign.

My electrologist says this is mild because its one of the best machines available. We are working with blend electrolysis, which uses galvanic as well as thermodynamic components in tandem, one creating a lye based reaction at the root of the follicle, while the other type accelerates the reaction through electricity or heat. (I get them mixed up.) Either technology is proven to kill hair, but apparently blend has very serious advantages. One of the two individual technologies is faster with less time per follicle, but blend heals more easily, and is therefore a bit more stealthy.

I'm just so glad I found such a great electrologist. She is one of the only six certified in the state. She has been great about scheduling and has an excellent manner. Pricing is very reasonable too!

I'll be continuing my treatments every two weeks. Right now my upper lip is almost clear, which is such a relief because it has been a difficult area. Besides that we have started clearing stray hairs along the sides of my mouth as well. Next time it might be possible to get that all cleared enough to start on the chin. :)

Something Funny at Penn Station

2010-10-10T00:39:00.001-04:00

While out on a drive to London, KY with my parents I stopped by Penn Station for a quick lunch. Dad went in with me and was in line just ahead of me. I was presenting as I often do when traveling with my parents. Men's shirt over a women's crew neck and jeans, no make-up, clunky androgynous boots and curly unkempt hair. After taking my order the clerk asked for my first name, which is typical at Penn Station. They key your first name in at the register and it prints on the order so that the cashier further down can find you if the line gets shuffled, and so that they can call your name when your order is ready.

Dad and I got our drinks and waited at a table for our carry out order. It was fairly crowded and loud, making conversation pretty much futile. While I was sitting bored checking my email and sipping at my fruit punch, a second worker started calling for Shayna. There were quite a few people waiting for orders but I realized, very happily, that the first clerk had misunderstood my name and put me in the system as Shayna. Which was nice, because if she had perceived me as a guy and couldn't hear my name she probably would have assumed Shannon, Shawn or something along those lines.

It felt awakrd though, because I was with Dad. He and Mom have never shown any indication that they consider me at all passable. If I got up and went to the counter I'd be acknowledging that I thought the clerk saw me as female. I could just imagine Dad sitting there silently thinking that I have a totally delusional self image. Worse yet, what if I got to the counter and they had not misheard me? What if I went up and there really was a Shayna. How embarrassing would that be with Dad there?

I snapped out of my garbled thoughts, realizing the sub guy was calling Shayna forward for the third time and was starting to look a bit annoyed. I just stared, still unable to settle on a course of action. Then Dad relieved all my anxiety. "I believe that's you." he said in a low voice from across the table. I dared look his direction for the first time since the name "Shayna" was called. He was wearing a slightly awkward smile.

I happily picked up my bag at the counter and sauntered back to the table glowing with pride. Dad was smiling back less awkwardly now. I think he was maybe even happy for me.

A Letter

2010-10-05T21:56:00.000-04:00

Last Friday my brother sent me a friend's request on Facebook. There was no message with it; just a blank request. Its odd. Here I am on the verge of going full time, yet knowing my brother had located me on Facebook set my heart racing. Not only that, but every time I opened the email notification about the request for the rest of the day my heart stated racing again. I had not even realized that I was that afraid of him finding out.

The profile under my real name is locked down tight. I can't be searched, and all the fields are locked. The photo is fairly androgynous. But the email address I used is on my brother's address list so I've realized for a while now that I'm probably being suggested as a contact. Not only that, but since part of my info is locked, if my brother actually clicked it he got a "Shannon does not share all her info...." message.

The Facebook invite reminded me of just how much I have delayed on telling him. I'll be out soon. Near Christmas he will visit. It would not be fair for me to put this off and let him find out what is going on when he sees me on his visit. Inevitably he is going to find out and clearly the time is here.

I drafted a letter tonight. I'm very impulsive and find myself wishing to just send it and find out what happens. But his opinion matters a lot to me so I need to make absolutely sure I'm ready. I'll think about it for a few days and then decide what to do. Or rather when and how to do it.

The Results Are In, But Am I Out? Mixed Signals.

2010-09-30T21:37:00.002-04:00

Last week, it was on Topix that I had undergone SRS already. Even in my work clothes new acquaintances are much more likely to call me she than he. Further back I had a co-worker kindly offer to be my Avon rep. Some co-workers have said some extremely supportive things on my looks that border on telling me that they know. Then there's the text message I got from my friend telling me that he had overheard a conversation where some people were saying I was turning out to be a beautiful woman. I ran into a guy I used to know a few days ago at a local business and he had no idea who I was and actually started hitting on me. When I told him who I was he seemed very surprised. Then there was the talk with my boss a few blogs back.

The evidence was adding up, and I've been living under the assumption that most people know or at least strongly suspect that I am trans. Well, then there was a fire drill Tuesday and I ended up out on the parking lot with a couple of ladies I work with. We chatted until the drill ended, then took the conversation inside. At that point I mentioned I would be out Friday, one thing led to another and I told them everything.

One was just wonderful. She wasn't comfortable with it, but she had a very open minded attitude. She said she was convinced that transgender people do have something biological happening, and that she understands no one would subject themselves to what we go through without a real need. I think she started crying in the conversation even before me.

The other girl was incredibly annoying. She's like "but you have had relationships with women." Er, lots of women have had relationships with women. I've discussed that topic at length in earlier entries so I'll not get into all that. But my specific circumstances disregarded, a lot of genetic women choose to have relationships with women. She said "So you're going to wear dresses and things?" My other co-woerker pointed out that not all women wear dresses. At one point she actually ask if I would "actually be wearing bras to work?" It was very obvious that she considered the notion laughable. I guess the most annoying question was "Can you really pull it off?" She sounded extremely skeptical. I explained that I never have trouble anywhere I go.

She even managed to somehow throw into the conversation that there was no way I would ever have bigger boobs than her. She said it jokingly but something about it felt like she was wanting it to sting. I innocently explained that I had considered implants but decided a sleeker look works better for me. She made a poor attempt at seeming supportive even while managing to throw in several rude comments. When my other co-worker hugged me and offered to listen if I needed anything, she followed suit, though with decidedly less sincerity.

Her attitude was fairly annoying, but really the most shocking part of the conversation was that both seemed completely caught off guard. They each said they noticed the makeup, and that I seemed a little changed physically, but that they had not heard the rumors and that neither had ever considered I might be trans.

Could it be that I'm not as out as I think? After all the stuff that has happened in the last few weeks this was so confusing. It was like I had stepped into the twilight zone or something. My confidence in my appearance was shot. The whole understanding of peoples' perception of me was suddenly called into question. Many of the events of the last few weeks suddenly made no sense at all.

Wednesday I woke up feeling better though, and determined. I threw on a stretchy bright red crew neck tee, distressed skinny jeans, and a tasteful amount of makeup in subtle tones. Then I styled my hair into sharply defined intricate curls and sprayed and teased it for high volume. One co-worker told me I was beautiful and the hair got several compliments. The rude girl I came out to even complimented me, if "Your hair looks better than yesterday." counts. LOL! Still I've struggled for confidence since that conversation and their apparent surprise.

This morning she had the gaul to ask me to move six very light projector boxes for her. We work in the same department, but she is certainly my supervisor by no means, and moving boxes doesn't fall into either of our job descriptions. Yes, she just decided that since I'm a man, I should be carrying boxes for her. I masked my anger well I think but she must have noticed, because she felt compelled to add a few seconds later that she was on her way to a meeting and didn't want to leave the projectors in the hall. But please, how long does it take to carry 6 boxes from an adjoining room?

I was angry but I didn't feel confident enough to express that. In her mind, I'm a guy. I'm still technically presenting as male. I was caught off guard, nervous and couldn't think of anything better to say, so I told her I would do it though I had no intention. I just left them in the hall to see how long it would take for her to figure out she needed to move them herself. Eventually she did, or had someone do it.

I was walking through the high school office this evening and a co-worker was discussing a pageant with a student competing in it. I just overheard them discussing how she should walk when they noticed me. "There's just the person we need!" And yes, they asked me very nicely to teach her a nice runway walk. If I were feeling more confident, I would have loved to help. I was just so flattered! It just made my day.

Anyway, I'm in a much better mood now. I still feel I'm mostly out and that people will respond well to me. As for the rude girl, I can still be nice to her. My confidence is back and she can't touch that.

Now I Know

2010-09-22T23:05:00.000-04:00

I've always wondered when I would end up on the gossip sites and dreaded the possible backlash. Monday night the first question was finally answered, and I have waited nervously since, wondering what would happen once the conversation was open.

I've been checking this site for months now looking for my name. During all that reading I found some pretty disturbing threads which made me worry more about how harshly I would get treated. Due to that worry I've been watching very closely since Monday.

SO far there are only 18 posts. Two or three adolescent jokes, with no real malice. A few corrections to my name. One person who implied I should do what I want, but somewhere else. The rest of the replies are all defending and supporting me and my family. It is listed as the second hottest discussion despite the low number of posts. I'm assuming that means it is getting read pretty often. There have been no further comments in the last 7 hours though, so it looks like people are content to let this go.

People are still treating me basically the same at work and in town. Yet again it seems I've underestimated my community.

Red alert.

2010-09-20T20:36:00.000-04:00

Well this has been coming for a long time. I finally made the most prolific local gossip serving our little community here. They got the first few letters of my first name wrong; probably to make sure I wouldn't have the right to look up their IP and sue. The comment was short and to the point. It basically says I had a sex change. It just states it as a fact. Not anything truly insulting. Maybe stating that was supposed to be an insult in and of itself. LOL!

I check the site twice a day, and oddly the post came 7 minutes before my check. Already there was a reply though saying basically that it was true, that the person writing the reply had seen me. Hopefully it doesn't go totally out of control from here.

This is so distracting. I keep wanting to check back and see how long it takes for someone to say something stupid. It's not like I can possibly defend myself. I don't know why I bother looking. Eventually someone will say something that will upset me, then others will pile on. I'll have no idea who any of them are and won't be able to do anything about it.

My heart is racing. I really shouldn't even look...

So Close

2010-09-19T21:50:00.000-04:00

I'm under the gun, around here...

-Counting Crows

It's been a fairly uneventful week here. Work was busy, but normal. Things were okay at home. A few silly things happened related to transition and my presentation; as always. The weekend was slow and relaxed.

There is lots on my mind though. I could decide to go to the courthouse soon and file for a name change. Before that, I have to explain to my parents that I am going full time. Then there is the matter of communicating with the next and final tier of management at work and deciding how to handle communication to the rest of my coworkers.

In two weeks I have my annual endocrinologist visit and hope to work in my first electrolysis appointment while in Lexington. I've decided facial laser hair removal has cleared what it's going to. I'm hoping after one electrolysis appointment I'll have an idea of how long skin recovery will take after each session, and how many sessions it will take to finish my face. Laser has done a fairly thorough job clearing the hair and I'm hoping a few electrolysis sessions will finish the job. :)

Transkentucky meets that same weekend, so I'll get to catch up with a few friends. I can hardly wait!

The first weekend in October seems like such a long wait. My existence here gets more awkward by the day. My work presentation gets me identified as female anywhere else I go. My constant worries about perception at work continue to make social interaction awkward. Its difficult existing between genders. Right now I'm in a mood to burn bridges. I want to change my name, go full time, and let everyone know. Things will still be awkward, but at least I will be through trying to mix presentations and will finally be able to drop my guard and be myself. There will be some degree of initial shock but going full tiem and finally living as my true gender will be much more comfortable than this peculair gender limbo I exist in now.

The beginning of October is the next step. Until then its a matter of waiting and my awkward dance on the border line between male and female.

The Big Talk - And An Attitude Change

2010-09-08T01:58:00.000-04:00

Yes, this post is about my finally opening a dialog with my employers. Unfortunately though, I just can not bring myself to write it efficiently because the back story absolutely must be told, because there is a change in attitude that is really even more important than that dialog. But it all kind of goes together, so it gets one composite blog.

So, to the attitude part. I've always been highly aware of two elements in my situation that have potential to be a dangerous mix. First I live in a very conservative area. Second, I work in a school. If you put that in a beaker and stir in a gender transition, its hard to guess what you'll get. But to me, it's always looked liked an explosive combination.

When you see articles about conservatives fighting agaisnt transgender rights, the message is usually the same. We are different and perceived as deviants. Then there is the ultra-conservative assumption that as deviants we are dangerous perverts. A favorite scare tactic for transphobic ultra-conservatives is to point out how tragic it would be to have legally protected transgender employees roaming free in our schools. Apparently these people see it as a nightmare scenario. Partly because they tend to see us as contagious. Partly because assume that as demented perverts, we are all high risk.

Of course that is all ignorant and completely illogical. But when you here such people making it sound like a transgender worker in a school is the ultimate travesty, and you are a transgender worker in the school system, it really starts to effect your psyche.

For the last few years I have felt more than ever like I'm on the defense-like the extremely conservative elements in my community are probably sneering at me behind my back and making up wild accusations and rumors in private. Every anti-trans article I happen across or anti-LGBT rant that I encounter on local gossip sights scares me and entrenches me further.

It varies from day to day, but sometimes I'm so worried about what people think and how anything I do could be misconstrued that it can be socially crippling. I tend to be flighty on such days and you never know what my trigger absolute terror in me.

Nothing scares me like kids though. They are what make the transgender education worker such a scary notion for ultra-conservatives. I've always been afraid to interact with kids much. But last summer someone compared my appearance to Michael Jackson and something in me snapped. Obviously working in a school, you do not need a lot of Michael Jackson comparisons floating around. I was terrified and became even more convinced that people would decide I was dangerous.

Shortly after that, I got to a point to where being called "fag" or giggled at by kids caused much less stress than having one of them start a conversation with me. I've always tried to keep student interaction to a "Hi/Bye" sort of efficiency as a result.

Then half way through the year last year one child became very social. At first she seemed awkward around me, but she kept getting braver and pulling me into longer conversations, much to my dismay. By the end of the year, she had become so gabby, and I had become so paranoid that someone would get the wrong impression that I lived in fear or running into her in the hall somewhere. Still I couldn't really say anything to her about it. She had not said anything inappropriate at any point, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Its not like there's an easy way to tell someone "Hey, I think everyone believes I'm a weirdo, so I don't like to talk to kids because I'm afraid people will get the wrong impression. So please stay away from me." So I kept being polite.

Well this year, things got much worse. Almost from the start of the year she began to drop by my office with increasing frequency. Usually with friends. At first there was always a technical problem to go along with the visits. Then she got braver yet and just started dropping by whenever.

After I had allowed this to go on a while, trying to be polite, but not to seem overly inviting, she suddenly popped into my office with a note last week. She was asking if I would be willing to listen if she needed someone to talk to this year. I decided writing back would be best. I didn't really feel like hurting her feelings face to face, and I wanted documentation at this point because I had become completely terrified, so I wrote her back, explaining that she would be better served by our school's counselor.

Next is the stupid part. I'm such a pushover. If someone happens by my office and asks for a complicated favor totally outside my job description, I always say yes. If the UPS guy drops by my office and asks whether I'll take a package to a co-worker who moved to another building that he doesn't have the address for yet, instead of telling him he's the one payed for delivering to the write place, I say "Yes." So of course, against all prudence, when a child dropped by my office and asked to borrow a wadded up old shirt that I used to use as a cover up because she claims to feel cold, I said "Yes."

The question caught me very off guard. The same old shirt has been hanging on the back of my chair all summer. It was a very dubious request, and her motivations were suspect now at the very least. She kept getting braver all last year and now here she was at a point where she was comfortable asking to borrow clothes. I should have shot the request down undoubtedly. But still, it wasn't overtly flirty, so I couldn't really just tell her off. She's a kid exactly the right age to be the daughter I'll never have. I definitely don't look like a man anymore by most accounts and I'm definitely not the sort of person you expect a teenager to become enamored with. I mean quite a lot of her peers laugh at me on a daily basis.

So I decided maybe it was an innocent request and let her borrow the shirt. It was the last class period of the day and she said she would return it immediately after. I knew it was a mistake but on the surface it was an innocent request and I just couldn't find the words to say no because I was terrified and my brain was just spinning. The best I could do was something like "You don't want to wear that wrinkly old thing."

The next day I got a call from my supervisor and we met about the whole thing. A teacher was becoming alarmed and had called the superintendent. It seems the girl had asked for a moment in class to read the letter from me. So of course the teacher found it odd that I would be writing a student, especially since she was unaware of the contents. And of course later in the same week, when the student asked to be let out of class to return a shirt to me, it looked extremely alarming. It's not some sort of anti-trans prejudice. It's just sensible. Really, how many legitimate reasons can you think of that a child in a school is getting letters and borrowing clothes from a staff member?

I explained everything to my supervisor and gave him her original letter and a copy of the one I typed in response. Before this situation came up I was already terrified that my co-workers think I'm weird and scary. With this, I figured he would just assume the worst, and the notion of having someone thinking that I would pursue a student romantically is so disgusting to me. No matter how much he tried to convince me that no one thought that, I couldn't stop crying. According to him, the teacher just thought the student was getting over attached and getting the wrong idea about the nature of our friendship. But if that were the case would calling the superintendent really be the first course of action that would come to mind? He said he would talk the the superintendent, talk to the counselor about calling the student in, and explain everything to the teacher for me.

He was very reassuring and I left feeling a bit better. The next day though, I was a wreck. Walking in the hall I couldn't stop wondering if any of the people talking to me thought I....

After a few fairly normal seeming interactions the paranoia started to lift. Then I ran into a teacher in the hall who I had needed to contact about a service request. She was very blunt and cold, and I coudln't get it out of my head that she probably thought I was some kind of pervert. I couldn't handle more social interaction. I was emotionally crippled, totally unable to get out and do my job. I just sat at my desk and cried until noon. Then I drove to my supervisor and asked off the rest of the day.

I looked a wreck and he asked what was wrong. I told him about my morning and he continued to reassure me. I explained why someone "like me" is very sensitive to this type of situation. He told me that people have wondered what is going on with me and wonder about my appearance and my mode of dress, but that most of what he has heard said about me was based in curiosity or humor, and that no one, to his knowledge thinks I'm dangerous or a liability to have around children.

During the exchange I kept away from assuming he knew I was trans and danced all around it awkwardly. As the conversation wound down, the topic left the situation that brought me there and back to the overall public opinion of me and the rumors. He said he had heard many, but mostly people thought the same thing. I told him if he wanted to know, I didn't mind talking about it. He told me that he sees me as a friend and that anytime I want to talk about anything the door is open.

I told him I am not a man, but rather a pre-operative transsexual woman. I told him I am mid-transition and that I have been on hormones for a bit over a year, that I intend to stay on the job for now as I continue my transition, and that I eventually want to transition in place. I explained about the "real life experiment". He told me his wife, who is from California, once had a co-worker transition at a previous job and had already explained lots of this to him when the rumors about me started.

He asked when I would go full time and I told him that it would be before the end of the calendar year. From there he explained that he thinks I'm a good person with a big heart, and that I do excellent work. From a professional stand point he sees me as an asset. From a personal standpoint, he is not sure I will be strong enough to handle the public backlash that will almost inevitably come with my officially going full time.

It's a valid concern. After all, I was crying over the mere possibility that someone could think ill of me just moments before this conversation and was so upset I wanted to go home. Really I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to do this without moving either, but I do want to try.

Really the most important recurring statement in the conversation was that he feels I should have much higher self esteem than I do, and a lot of people do like me and care about me.

After that I did go home early to settle my nerves. Then I had a three day weekend on the lake with some of my best friends. I returned to work today feeling completely revived, with restored pride and confidence. I didn't worry about what people thought mostly. I just stayed calm, kept my poise and went on with my day, which was fairly productive.

That student dropped by my office with a couple of friends again. They were all smiles and polite as usual. And so, as usual I couldn't settle on exactly how to throw them out of my office. I left for lunch and doubled back to ask another co-worker for advice on how to handle it nicely, but her advice went a totally different direction.

She told me, very correctly that you can't be too nice to people or they'll just use you, and offered to take care of it if I wanted to step out for lunch. She laid out her plan and I agreed happily. While I was gone she ran them all out of the office and told them that if they want to visit me they must first stop by her office for permission.

"I don't think they like me very much. But I don't care." she said. There would be a lot less stress in my life if I could adopt that policy in general. It's a bit embarrassing being such a pushover that you can't even send children out of your office. I've got so much growing up to do.

I guess the irony in all this is that I've worried that all the conservative people around me were looking for some excuse to write me off as a dangerous weirdo. Then a situation like this comes up and instead no one has jumped to conclusions, as far as I know. In the end, who has been stereotyping who? I feel awful about it except that by stereotyping them, I've mainly hurt myself with all this irrational fear that they were out to get me.

Now if I could just grow a spine. I'm going to need one in a few months after the name change.

The Partial Answers To My Paranoid Questions

2010-08-29T18:04:00.000-04:00

~*~*~*~*~*~
Just dropping in a clarification here. When I wrote up the last blog, I forgot that outside the United States a "truck" means a really big truck. Some comments referred to a trucker, and Mandy mentioned one as well in an email and it reminded me! Here, what is called a baki or a pick up in the rest of the world passes as a truck. The "truck" in question was just a full size pickup. For the record. :P
~*~*~*~*~*~

My presentation and physical appearance has shifted a lot this year. The fact that its all possible, I haven't lost my job as a result, and that most people in my community still treat me well feels nothing short of miraculous. Sometimes its almost to hard to believe. In part due to that disbelief, my lifelong inferiority and insecurities are still there, festering beneath he confidence that has grown as I've begun to assert myself and open up to the world.

At one point my insecurities literally ruled my existence. Now weaker, they do not rule my life, but the insecurities to exert their own subtle influence. Like, the baby I was afraid to talk to the other day, because I assumed the grandmother viewed me as some kind of weirdo. I've just always felt inferior, and like my presence is burdensome, and though those feelings are weakening, they still surface at odd times.

Mostly though, it just takes the form of questions whispering through my mind when I'm in the presence of other people. What do they think I am? Do they hate me? Are they disgusted by me? Do I look like a girl? Do I look like a guy? Do I look like a joke?

I've had lots of encouragement lately. All my friends tell me I look okay, and not at all male. There are signs that lots of people here support me,and fairly neutral reactions from most, but the questions are still there.

Monday I got a text message from a friend. He had overheard a conversation about me. Basically he said that the consensus in this group was that I was turning out to be a very pretty woman. He said no one was laughing or joking, and basically that the tone was light and conversational.

My friend has a lot going on right now, and I'm touched that he took the time to write it up. He knew I wondered where I stand with the people around me at this point and realized this conversation would be a comfort to me.

The opinions of normal people talking privately without any reason to sugarcoat anything. From the things he mentioned, it seems common knowledge that I am transitioning, the physical changes were evident to the people in this conversation, and at least this particular group seemed to have no problem with what I am doing. All very reassuring! =)

If AT&T had delivered that message Monday instead of Thursday, maybe I would have felt less stressed all week. But that's okay. I had quite possibly my last laser appointment Friday and I'm looking a bit rough. I can use all the extra confidence I can find this week so the message is very timely.

If things continue as they are, September will be the month of my name change and officially coming out at work. I anticipate very little trouble with the process now. Everyone already knows, and I'm mostly already presenting right. As I said in an earlier post, this really amounts now to a change of pronouns and shoes. On top of that, apparently it is a change people are already expecting. It's still going to be scary, but nothing like I used to imagine.

I think I am more proud of this community than I have ever felt in my life. So many people have been so sweet and supportive. Some subtly so, and others more direct. Here I am in the middle of a highly controversial process that mostly people haven't had a reason to think about here. But for the most part they have made me feel at home. (With the exception of a few certain students.)

I'm just feeling so happy and grateful to everyone right now. :)

Wheel Bearings, a Couple U Turns, Mistaken Identity, and Such

2010-08-26T23:58:00.000-04:00

Today I left work around noon to go to a neighboring community for a car repair appointment. It seemed a straight forward task. Dad stopped by the office to ask if he needed to go with me so I could have a drive home if they needed to keep the car. I told him if they needed to keep it, I'd call and let him know, then kill time in town until he could arrive. I really wanted him to along, because mechanics always understand right away that he is not someone to try to cheat. He knows his way around cars better than most people who work on them for a living. Still, I didn't want to bother him with it so I went on my own.

When I arrived they took the car in on schedule, but there was one problem. I intended to eat lunch while they had the car. The dealership is on a busy stretch of road with a few fast food restaurants. I forgot though, that the service department was on a completely separate property about a half a mile away on a short seedy looking side road that is generally deserted.

I suppose hunger controlled my decision in the matter. Despite being a lone, annoyingly androgynous looking pre-operative transexual woman dressed in a mixed assemblage of men's and womens clothes, in a town I'm not terribly familiar with, I found myself walking the half mile to a Wendy's. I felt uneasy. I was alone. My pepper spray was locked up in my car. A couple of guys weed eating the first strip of road turned to look at me with unreadable expressions- both were wearing tinted goggles. In my head I started running through the options available to me if someone found me offensive and started harassing me. Run? Call 911?

That short road dead ended into another, and I turned right. From there it is only a short walk to town's main drag. The road is fairly well traveled, but there are no businesses in the section I was on. The road was empty. Then one truck came toward me. Inside I could see the driver was looking my direction and the vehicle was clearly slowing. My heart began to race. If he could tell what I am and he wanted to hurt me, there would be no witnesses.

He stopped the truck in the middle of the road and shouted something that got lost in the engine's loud idle. I waved and smiled then continued on, walking much faster, but trying not to look scared. At first it sounded like the truck was accelerating to leave behind me, but then the engine slowed audibly. With a toss of my head I stole a quick glance behind me and found the truck was sideways in the road, in the middle of executing a U-Turn.

Both my heart and my stride quickened even more. As I heard the truck behind me I couldn't think of anything to do except keep walking. Then it was beside me in the median. He stopped with his passenger door next to me. The window was down. I stopped and faced him with what I'm sure was an uneasy smile. Either he was to oblivious to realize he was scaring me, or to rude to care. At that point I got a close look at him for the first time. Lightly built, darkly tanned. Brown eyes and greying brown hair. Something about his facial expression and posture seemed a bit suggestive.

He spoke in a slow, low drawl. "Lookin' for somethin' to do?"

Odd choice of words. Was this whole thing a poorly executed pick up attempt rather than a hate crime in progress then? "something to do..." Did he think I was a prostitute, or a tramp, or an assassin? Maybe he had yard work for me? Errrrr....

At any rate, I really wasn't sure what to think or what he expected. I was scared and didn't know what to say. Despite that, I was talking uncontrollably just moments after he finished his question. It all came out fast and high, and nervous sounding I think. "Actually, my car is being serviced and I'm just trying to get to Wendy's for lunch while I wait." I blurted out.

"Huh?" he said, clearly confused by my rapid fire explanation.

I started over, trying to answer more comprehensibly, but it came out much the same.

He drove on, executing a second U-turn to get back on track. As je came back past he waved.

After lunch and the car stuff, I dropped by a store in my home town for a snack. In line a grandmother held her young grandchild with his head leaned agains her shoulder facing back. As we waited in line, he kept smiling at me, and eventually said "hi." Then, he looked at me with the prettiest little blue eyes I have ever seen, and said:

"Mommy!!!"

His grandmother told him I wasn't his Mommy and they were going to see her now, but throughout our wait in line, every now and then he'd reach for me and call me Mommy again. I would have loved to just hold him for a second. Such an adorable child.

In a similar situation any normal person could have held out a hand for him and told the grandmother how cute he was and talked to him a bit at least. But this is my home town, and everyone knows I'm genetically male. I have no idea what his grandmother sees when she looks at me. Maybe she sees a pathetic confused man, or a dangerous pervert. Maybe she sees a demon or a 21st century version of Jezebel. Perhaps she just saw me as a tall, oddly dressed, really quiet girl.

I decided I'd give them space. In case she did see me as something threatening, I didn't want to worry her. I know if I had a baby or grand baby with me and someone approached that I was wary of and I was forced to take it politely, I wouldn't like it. Plus, there's jsut the awkwardness of knowing how odd it would seem to anyone for a male to ooo and ahhh and coo over a baby who jsut called you Mom.

There are jsut so many variables in any situation when you don't know how other people perceive you. I just talked to him from a distance, very quietly when he called out or reached toward me.

The good news is that despite the awkwardness caused by my gender presentation situation, the experience still felt really positive. The bad news is that I doubt I'll ever have anyone to reach out for me and call me Mommy on a regular basis, and that is too bad because it was such a nice feeling.

I

Reckless!

2010-08-23T23:15:00.001-04:00

Its been a crazy time since my last post. I've continued to push my work presentation in the last couple of weeks, and still things seem to be going okay. My last few classroom visits have barely caused a stir at all and most of the teachers seem fine with me.

I'm still getting encouragement and compliments occasionally on my hair, makeup and clothes. A co-worker actually gave me an Avon catalog last Thursday.

Today was moving day and I spent most of my time moving all my stuff from my old office to my boss's former office, as he is moving on to another building. For the move I wore a men's button up partially buttoned over a women's tank. But the air conditioning is out still so my office is still 85 degrees, and the furniture was really too heavy for me to move alone. As a result I ended up feeling very warm and the men's shirt ended up spending most of its time wadded up on my desk. No one really seemed all that freaked out! :P

I'm still not officially out, but I have researched the Kentucky process for the name change and I'll probably take action soon!

A Summer With A Twist

2010-08-15T20:26:00.001-04:00

I spent yesterday in Lexington with Mom and Dad. We went to shop for a particular hardwood floor cleaner, and ended up having a really great visit with an aunt and uncle I have there. There was some computer work involved, but it was still such a nice visit. The truly wonderful part was that I was treated so nicely. I think it is the least tense visit I have had with any of my aunts and uncles since I started transition. I credit my own growing confidence partially, but they seemed to genuinely accept my appearance, which felt so nice. I was greeted very warmly, and from that point it is like a wave of calm just picked me up and carried me through the day.

This relaxed weekend was so welcome, because while the rest of my summer has been nice, I would not consider applying the word relaxed. Summer is usually my respite from students, but this year my department has nine summer workers instead of the usual two to four. While they have mostly been nice to me, it has left me feeling on edge. Also, summer break was short because of all the missed instructional days this winter, and now the school is packed with lots of kids again. Kids who have not seen me in a while in most cases, or ever in others. The same is true with the staff. Lots of new hires and familiar faces returning from their summer break. And of course work volume is suddenly up, and I find myself constantly racing through halls of people.

Anxiety is fairly high, as I constantly wonder what people think of me and what is being said behind my back.

The first day the kids were back in, I was chatting with a few teachers in the hall. I was facing a sixth grade room and the conversation's other participants had their back to the open door. Inside a bunch of young boys were waving and smiling. One even gave a thumbs up. I waved and smiled back, knowing full well that these kids were new to the building and would probably be laughing at me once they find out a bit more.

Walking the halls of the high school is pretty rough now. Girls laughing. Guys talking loudly about me. "He's wearing makeup!" "He's got boobs!" Walking into classrooms, teachers have to silence kids within seconds of my arrival almost without fail. Eyes are on me, there's constant whispering, and lots of laughing. Occasionally some boisterous guy will start to address me, or say something loud enough for the whole room to hear. A teacher is always kind enough to cut them off though. Still, leaving rooms, there is usually a wave of laughter as soon as the door closes.

I am feeling defiant lately. Instead of discouraging me, the social issues make me want to push further. Over the course of the summer and the early school year I have phased in full makeup, women's jeans, and largely due to my busted air condition and 85 degree office, phased out layering shirts, and phased in a few better fitting ones.

The result is that I'm pushing far toward the feminine edge of androgynous appearance. A few friend's tend to say I've crossed out of androgyny all together. Perhaps I have. There is evidence for it. Like the men's room for instance. I have mostly become confident enough to stop using it when I am out of town, regardless of presentation. But in town many people know my past, and I haven't said anything officially so changing is awkward. Still, men who don't know me tend to stare if they come in and find me at the sink washing up. Last Thursday I was leaving the Hardee's restroom as a guy was entering. He looked so embarrassed as he started to apologize for intruding on my privacy and explaining that he had taken the wrong door. I told him three times before he turned to check the sign again. I walked out briskly, with no really good direction left for the conversation.

There are other sorts of evidence too, that the jig is pretty much up. I walked past the cafeteria after school last week, just as the football players were coming out on their way practice. After I am past by a few feet, (its amazing how often kid's act like you are safely out of ear shot when you are a few feet away) one says "That's what I'm talkin' about!" to which another boy replies, "Duuuuuuudeeee, that's a boy!!!!!!" This gets an "Ewwwwwwwwww!" from the first kid and a lot of loud indistinguishable chatter picks up as I walk away briskly.

I know this probably all sounds terrible and awkward, but I'm very happy. I think I am actually pretty much out. Making it official is really down to just paper work and a few awkward but less than shocking meetings at this point. Presentation wise, it will be a change in shirts and shoes, and not much more. And though a few kids are annoying now, many are still supportive, and adults have never been anything less than polite to me.

One moment really stands out in student interactions. I walked into a classroom to look at a messed up laptop. The teacher had to remind the kids in no uncertain terms that they needed to be working on their quizz. The chatter died, but I continued to get stares. I was having a hard time holding onto my smile. The room felt so unwelcome. On my way out the door one boy said "Hi Shannon." in a tentative, uncertain voice. I think he could tell I was a bit down from his classmates and was trying to be nice. I said "Hi." back, but I'm sure it sounded cold. After I got in the hall I wished I had been nicer. The kid's peers think I'm a joke, and its probably really going out on a limb for him to be nice to me.

Of grown up interactions, my favorite would have to be a conversation I had with one of the high school's cooks. I was in the cafeteria's back office working on a computer and she came in to give me a little encouragement. She told me that she loved my makeup, and that I was "gorgeous" and to just keep doing what I am doing. I was just elated. Really it's one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me locally. And she is always lovely, with flawless hair and makeup, so coming from her the compliment meant a lot.

I took another step forward in terms of presentation last Friday. I went for my dye job, and afterward, my stylist suggested that my hair was doing great, and that I should perhaps try wearing it in its natural curls instead of flat ironing it. So after the rinse, she just put something in to lock in my natural curls and we dried it on a very mild setting. It was fast, and the end results are just so "me." In the included photo most of my hair is tied back and I'm a bit disheveled but that's still my basic look. Most people at work haven't seen it yet, so I guess Monday will be another interesting day. :P

Whatever happens, I feel more confident, and more myself right now than I ever have in my life. The people who continue to treat me nicely make everything possible, and the people who don't like me don't matter right now. I feel safe, unthreatened, and to the extent that I need to, I feel somewhat accepted. I don't feel like I'm holding back any more. I'm so close to living free and genuine. It's just exhilarating.

Sound Mind-Troubled Moments

2010-07-27T02:04:00.000-04:00

Bar Harbor Maine. Its a beautiful place, especially on days when the air is clear like today. So of course when my Dad suggested hiking, and my uncle selected Bubble Rock, high on Bubble Mountain, I was ready to go. So here I am, up on a mountain, and strangely, feeling really insecure despite the relative seclusion.

I look terrible. My face has a hint of facial hair, as I'm due back for laser in a week. Little patches around my chin and upper lip are just dark enough and close enough together to cause slight shadowing. Very large carpenter jeans and a loose, black men's button up shirt drape my body, creating a gangly, figureless appearance. My hair has been reduced to frizz by humidity, and is now mostly out of sight, wound atop my head and covered with a ridiculously masculine Cincinnati Bengals ball cap.

Traveling androgynous with people who consider me male can get dicey. With every interaction there are all these questions. Do these people see me as female? Do they see me as male? Are they trying to figure out what I am? Am I embarrassing my Dad? Trying to present as my own gender was out of the question, and being androgynous feels awkward, second guessing what everyone thinks, so this morning I decided to tip the scales of perception toward male, just for a day, to keep everyone comfortable and make interaction a little easier. I hated the decision from the moment I made it, but there weren't any better alternatives.

Now, I'm hating the decision even more, as I sit on the mountain trying to enjoy the beautiful landscape while thoughts of my appearance and other people's perception keep slipping into my mind. The climb up here was not good for my self esteem. Almost immediately upon hitting the trail, a young couple caught up and passed us. As I heard the first foot steps I turned for a glimpse, and my heart just sank. The girl was dressed exactly I wished I could. Shorts and a tank, only she pulls it off better than I ever could. Shorter, curvier, just a very normal girl, living an active lifestyle with her boyfriend.

This quick passing stirred my emotions and left me feeling terribly insufficient and inferior. But I was meant to be humbled further by the end. The trail turned out to be a parade of such couples.

Still sitting here at the top, looking out over a placid lake far below, I replay the climb's emotional climax in my mind, trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with me.

It happened less than 1/3rd the way up. Couples kept going by. Except for my little group, that's all it was. One cute little couple after the other. Then it happened. We stopped at a flat section of rock with an interesting view when yet another couple happened by, only they stopped, and proceeded to ask Dad to take a photo of them. The guy was gorgeous. Maybe slightly younger than me, but still very cute, striking the perfect balance of boyish charm with a dash or rugged handsomeness. His hair was dark brown, short and tousled, and he had just a touch of stubble. Very athletic. Kind, gentle eyes. Normally he would have had my full attention, but I was focused on his girlfriend.

Like almost every girl up there, she was actually dressed for the hike, and pulled it off gorgeously. There she was with her cute little outfit, near perfect body, and gorgeous boyfriend. And here I was single, vacationing with my parents, and climbing a mountain in summer, dressed like a male Seattle grunge musician. She made me feel like such a loser. Envy was just flaring. Yet at the same time, curiosity. How much curvier was she than me? How wrong is my body really? What kind of shoes did she pick for this? All these questions could have been easily answered with a simple glance.

But I couldn't do it. I just could not look in her direction. The why is the crazy part. In the wake of my insecurity and perceived inferiority, I had become hyper aware of my god awful masculine presentation. I just knew that she had to see me as a guy, and that if I looked in her direction for even a moment, that she would think I was attracted to her. The idea of her writing me off as a guy was annoying, but bearable. However, imagining this girl thinking privately "Ha! That goofy weird looking little guy is into me." was just way too much for my pride to take. I think my sanity was slipping a bit. My inability to even look in her direction made me feel even more inferior. So it became a catch 22. With the idea of looking in her direction, or not, either making me feel bad, my brain basically started going in a feverishly panicked loop. I settled on finding some other direction to look while the couple conversed with my Dad and Uncle. I was afraid my envy and emotional turmoil was completely transparent, and I felt ugly and masculine besides. I didn't want the girl to see me looking so hideously inferior, and I didn't want the guy to see me because next to his girlfriend I'm such a nothing. I wanted to disappear.

In the end, the cute little couple finally struck a pose for the camera and I casually looked their direction for the first time since their arrival. A very romantic choice. She hugged up to his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. His arms looked so strong, and his chest so solid. Hurting my pride I even more, I realized that I wished I could be her. I looked away.

He explained to my Dad that his camera doesn't have a viewfinder, because it was an expensive extra cost option. Hmm, the lack of a built in view finder, and the viewfinder being costly meant the camera was an expensive import like a Leica or something. His implication that he didn't have loads of cash to waste on something as frivolous as a viewfinder was very humble. Hmm, moneyed and humble. She's a lucky girl indeed, I thought.

When they finally left, my nervousness started to fade, but my self esteem was just crushed. In addition to my physical problems I was now reminded by this sudden frantic interval that I also have some kind of weird social anxiety that is probably completely unique to me. How many ways can one person BE messed up?

Still sitting here at Bubble Rock I snap out of my reflection. Its a major curiosity-a curiously rounded bus size rock sitting on a slick, sharply angled cliff face and balanced on assorted smaller rocks beneath it. Its estimated that it has been here for over 10,000 years. A glacial erattic. Fascinating, but I'm focused on my insecurities. I wish I had a mirror so I could see just how awful I look compared to all these other girls. What are people seeing when they look at me?

I rise to leave and yet another couple is coming toward us. They look to be in their fifties and sixties. After a brief exchange, the husband continues for a closer view of the rock, and the wife chats up me and my uncle. At first she is mainly talking to me, but my insecurities, inferiority complex and jittery social ineptitude left from the humbling experience farther down the trail have left me feeling to insecure to converse. The added distraction of wondering how she perceives my gender further scatters my thoughts. Again I find myself wanting to disappear.

While my uncle is carrying the conversation for a moment, I casually look for a place to sit, innocently picking a spot that puts him between us, so that she can't see me and I speak as seldom as possible. She leans around my uncle to ask a question of me in particular. "Isn't he getting awfully close to the edge?"

She is speaking of her husband. Why didn't she ask my uncle? Honestly I think she is wanting a woman's opinion. A new surge of self confidence. It's a big conclusion to draw, but I'm almost sure. I mean really. If you ask a man if someone is standing to close to the edge of a cliff, what's he going to tell you? :P Maybe I don't look that much like a man after all. Now a let down. What happens if she catches a glimpse of beard or sees my face at another angle and suddenly has to wonder what on earth she is talking to? I remain mostly disengaged from the conversation. Presenting like this, everything is just too much work.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Moral of the story? Hmmmm. Being caught visually between genders can be difficult. Carrying on conversations with people who think you are a woman, at the same time as people who think you are a man, can be difficult. Being an envious, childish, overwrought loser with an inferiority complex can be difficult. :P

A momentous July

2010-07-25T23:53:00.000-04:00

I wrote a bit ago, while on vacation. Maybe some of you read it before I deleted it, but in the end I decided it was just to long, and a little over dramatic. :P

So now I'm back to cover vacation and the time since really quickly.

First the vacation. We drove to main with a truck and fifth wheel trailer to stay 6 nights by the ocean. 3 days driving each way, with 4 adults and a macaw inside a quad cab pickup sounds pretty hectic probably - especially considering all the friction of a liberal semi-closeted pre-operative transexual traveling with conservatives. Really things were mostly smooth though.

I had a minor break down finally from the tension on the day of arrival, and locked myself in the RV's master bedroom for a lot of the day. Dad and I conversed by text and I got over a bit of the tension. Dad said in that end, to just present however I felt the need to for now and not worry about the awkwardness, that everyone could handle it basically.

Dad also said that though he doesn't understand my gender issues, that he does appreciate my love of adventure and the outdoors, photography, hiking and such, and that he hoped we could focus on the things we agree on. We did manage to have a great time too!

Social interaction was interesting, outside my travel party. It was the most masculine I had presented for a while. All men's clothes from head to toe, though I don't layer shirts anymore. Its just too hot! Also, no makeup and very fluffy hair from the humidity.

Still, it seems most days, people readily accepted me as female in stores and such. At our first campground, the camp store worker called me a she in front of Mom and Dad. That was the last time it ever happened in front of Mom and Dad, but I was ma'amed and addressed with correct pronouns frequently on the trip. While occasionally I would meet someone who seemed uncertain of my gender who would avoid pronouns and titles all together, just as often people got it right despite the clothes. In the entire 12 days I was never addressed as he or sir.

Since my return, things have been stressful. Lots of work to do before summer ends, and very little time remaining to get things ready. Plus we have went from four 17-24 year old male summer workers, to nine. Of the original four, at least two seemed not to like me very much, and I've really hated having to deal with that all the time. With the additional 5, its even worse.

Last Friday has a couple of examples of how awkward it has become. In the morning, I went to help one of the older, more professional acting workers. We ended up at the same desk within a few feet of each other to look at a computer that needed redone, and suddenly he was getting all shaky and jittery. I think if it had been an option, he would have ran away. Its really hard to feel normal when people are that frightened of you.

Later the same day, the other tech, all the summer help and I were going to go to lunch in the next town over. I was working in a different building for a while and returned to find everyone had already left. When he came back after lunch the other tech told me he sent one of the workers to tell me they were leaving, and that he claimed to have done so. So it seems he actually lied just to keep me out of the lunch gathering.

Last Monday I had another round of laser on my face. I'm recovering well and I think it will prove effective. As for now, the shedding hair is extra prominent, adding to my insecurities at work. By the end of the week it should be getting better though. I'm happy and doing well right now, though, just a little uneasy about my job situation. All temporary though. :)

Impressions: A Week With New Presentation

2010-07-03T20:09:00.002-04:00

Well, I have just finished a week with my new work look, and it's been pretty interesting. For those who have missed previous posts, the new work look consists of basically whatever hair styling I feel like, whether it be tousled, a high pony tail or voluminous curliness, accompanied by some fairly subtle and androgynous combination of men's and women's clothing, and a makeup look hinged on full mineral powder coverage, subtle color and mascara, and of all things, a hint of coral lip gloss with a glittery sort of effect.

You may find yourself asking "Why would anyone trans or otherwise do something like that?" Its a valid question. And it keeps occurring to me, but I have no answer. Conventional wisdom seems to be that its best to avoid androgyny at all costs, because its a bit confusing to some people, and tends to put people off.But for some reason, I just keep feel like publicly pushing my look a little bit more all the time. I guess really its me trying to make a statement about who I am, without having to say it directly.

So, the response! People have been pretty cool. A few curious looks as mentioned earlier. I've worked in very close proximity to my boss and he has seemed mostly comfortable and has not asked a single question. One of the girls I work with definitely noticed, and at one point mentioned needing a screen cover for her phone because of makeup residue. It felt like an invitation to open up, but I decided for now to keep quiet just a little longer. I met the state's new consultants assigned to our high school for the first time Friday. Its a moment I've feared, because if they turned out to be the kind of people put off by my appearance it could make the year very interesting. But they were all very cordial. Even warm really. I was wondering about how they would read my gender, but I never got a chance to find out. One of them asked upon hearing my last name if I was kin to Dad. Someone who already knew me then introduced me as Dad's son at that point, breaking my little experiment. :P

First time Mom saw me, I think she actually smiled. I say I think so, because its still a little hard to believe, considering her response to lots of earlier changes. Her opinion means a lot to me and I hate seeing her upset over things I do, so it was a pretty major moment. I just hope I'm not reading too much into it.

As for me, this has been very positive. I am closer to the way I want to look on the average day than I have ever been, and still being accepted by those around me. It has done wonders for my self esteem. The insecurities that have plagued me are starting to lift. I can talk to almost anyone now without that terrifying sense of inferiority making me want to run away. :P

My practice has been pretty limited in the past, and this has stretched my abilities Doing this every morning for a week has done wonders for my speed, as things are starting to become habit. Also I've never felt the need for this level of subtlety before. So making sure shadows, and blushes blend evenly against the base color has become a priority, and I am now able to apply subtle, non clumpy mascara in moments.

Wednesday, I was out in a neighboring town doing freelance computer work. Afterward I shed my over shirt, leaving me completely in gender appropriate clothing except my chunky Doc shoes and dropped by Wal-Mart. I walked right past lots of teenage cliques chatting in the parking lot and in the store, but no one seemed to notice me. No laughs, no long stares, no whispers. I dropped by electronics for a moment, and looked at PSP games. A kid in my section looked up as I walked past. "Hey, do I know you?"

At first, I really doubted it. I couldn't remember his face. "Hmm, I... don't think so?"

"Do you work at Blah Blah Middle School?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"I do know you!" he said with a smile.

He seemed really cool about it. Friendly and chatty.

Now I'm off from work for a couple of weeks. Two weeks with my parents in Bar Harbor Maine. What will I do when I get back? Kinda depends on how well laser holds up. It will have been over 6 weeks between sessions after this. If the facial hair is still light enough, I'll just keep up this presentation. Going full time by december still feels within reach. :)

Awkwardness! :P

2010-06-29T23:11:00.000-04:00

I went to work this morning and my boss asked me to call someone at one of our vendors. After a 10 minute phone call, he offered to email some documentation.

The email never came, and eventually me and my boss continued research on our own. I was sitting in my boss's office when the vendor called him. He had tried calling me, but we had not heard the phone in my office.

Listening to my boss's side of the call, it was obvious the email had come back undeliverable. "It's shannon.blah@blah.com" my boss said.

I knew what had happened right away. On the phone people mishear Shannon, as Sharon all the time. The boss corrected him, giving my real email, with my actual androgynous name, rather than the unquestionably female name Sharon, but he dodged using pronouns in discussing me for the entire conversation.

Was the boss just looking out for my feelings by leaving his impression of my gender or was he dodging an awkward correction?

He forwarded the email to my boss with the original wording, addressed and written to Sharon.

He really didn't seem too bothered by the whole thing and we worked the rest of the day without incident.

I'm still always flattered when I get evidence that people I talk to on the phone properly ascertain my gender...even when the circumstances are a little less than ideal.

Guess the time is coming for me to talk to my boss. Everyone knows I think, but opening the conversation is of course my responsibility. Just a matter of how and when and I suppose I'll think it out over vacation.

Presentation Changes: Update

2010-06-28T20:18:00.000-04:00

My last post was on changing up my local presentation, and this is just a little follow up. Saturday was pharmacy day, so I made my monthly 1 hour drive to the CVS I have used for the past year. As usual, I didn't feel like presenting male to pick up my meds, and picked out a nice casual outfit. Unlike usual, instead of changing and doing makeup in the car, I left the house presenting the way I wanted, except for one extra shirt. :P

Mom and Dad seemed okay with it, and sent me to run errands for them while I was out. I picked up stuff for them at the local Dollar General. One of the customers there thought I was an employee for some reason and started asking me where to find an item. We chatted comfortably after I explained I wasn't an employee. Guess I wasn't looking to scary! When I got farther away from my home town I dropped the extra top and got to present properly. Everything went as smooth as silk.

Monday, I decided that I didn't want to move backward in presentation and settled on making a fairly complete makeup job a regular part of my work look, since it went okay Friday. Today went just as well, even though I added styled hair to the look. My makeup held up to the hot work environment and no one said anything mean to me.

I had lunch at Dairy Queen and one of the newer employees who has only waited on me twice before was at the register. When I presented my credit card, a manager stepped over to assist, and the clerk actually said "I've got her." Of course, people fail to use the pronoun they mean to on occasion, so it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Did she actually perceive me as female, despite the baggy shirt and giant shoes?

Last week, another girl there was teasing me about my hair, and came by my table a couple of days later to apologize and gave me a big hug. My impression is that someone told her about me sometime after that encounter. So maybe this other girl said her because thats what she saw, or maybe she said it because she knows my story, or maybe a little of both. :P

For the most part it was a good day. I feel so much more confident wearing makeup, and it really takes stress out of my days and is fun in the mornings.

I guess really, in the course I am on, being out and tolerated is just a short distance from full time and tolerated in my home town. That has always been a dream to me. I love the people here, and my family, and it would be so nice feeling like I still fit here. Eventually I want to be able to move somewhere that I can start over and go "stealth" as they say. I'd be a lot more comfortable somewhere that people aren't familiar with the way I was before; a clean slate where I can start anew, free to express myself without worrying about my former life effecting people's perception.

But it would be nice to always know I can come home and still be safe and welcome. Before I started transition, that felt out of reach. A I go it seems more plausible all the time.

Presentation Changes

2010-06-26T09:56:00.000-04:00

For some reason I was feeling really brave yesterday. Not only did I go crazy and post a v-log of me practicing singing at the far upper end of my vocal range, but I changed up my presentation at work!

It started simply. I had been talking to my friend Rebecca online a bit during the week, and I kept saying I was going to wear eye makeup to work. Friday felt like a good day for it, so after I finished my usual morning routine, I opened the makeup kit and quickly added some mascara. Then I couldn't stop! I thought of how much more confident I would be with a little powder to even my complexion. Then I had to add a little color back to my cheeks. At that point the mascara was nearly set and it seemed silly not to have a bit of eye shadow, so I applied a reddish natural tone to the lids and brushed it outward. Having done everything else, I decided my lips should match, so I put on a light coat of coral colored gloss.

In the end, some of my favorite London Jeans and a stretchy tank top ended up in the mix too, leaving no men's items in my look except the usual Doc Marten's and a seersucker button up, partially buttoned. I felt a little nervous as I pushed open the door at work, but nothing really dramatic happened. There were a few curious looks through the day, but not a word was said about it.

I think I have pushed my work look as far as I possibly can without coming out now. Which means I've given people as much warning as I really have a way to before the announcement. On the 5th, I leave for a vacation in Maine with my family. When I'm back, depending on how the laser treatment is holding up, I might open communication with management on the subject of my transition.

Looks like I do get another contract year, as the papers are on my coffee table. A lot can happen in that year. Time will tell! :)

On a side note the co-worker who invited me out to lunch never asked any really personal questions. "What are your future plans?" was as close to the subject as the conversation ever went. Me and a few of the girls at the office have had lunch together three times since that invite, and my initial sense that she was trying to feel out what is going on with me has faded. Now it feels more like they are just trying to include me, which is just incredibly sweet.

Things are going well with my boss right now too. The week started off rocky, with a disagreement over the allocation of some technology resources. Long story but it ended up with me feeling disrespected and like my boss was siding with the other tech over me for invalid reasons, and with him feeling basically like the whole world was out to get him. Wednesday he asked to talk with me and we went over our feelings on the whole thing. We ended up leaving with a better understanding of each other's positions and there were apologies from both sides. Since then, things have been much less stressful.

At one point we talked about training up one of our summer workers, maybe to fill a position in the future. I said "It might be a good. The board coud want rid of me at any time! Ha!" He never asked why I would think that, and didn't blow off the comment as a joke either, though I phrased it as one. He just said very seriosuly, "That won't happen. As long as you keep doing your job.", or something very near that in meaning.

Hmm, keep doing your job. I believe I will.... :)

V-Log 2: Vocal Work Out

2010-06-25T18:48:00.000-04:00

This was jsut posted to youtube as a test. I was playing with the capabilities of my new phone and recorded myself "singing". Then I decided to see how youtube publishing worked. So it ended up online. This is really really bad, I warn you in advance. It's just one of the songs I use quite often to stretch the range of my voice. I always sing it right at the upper end of my voice, the more I practice. So, I always sound strained, since I'm vocally at the end of my rope through out. Not to mention that I'm borderline tone deaf and don't pay a lot of attention to cadence. A musician I am not.

The point though isn't sounding good. Its just exercising and trying to find your voice. Actually speaking is really better practice, but this has its place I think. I feel its been beneficial for me at least. The song is an old folk song I used to hear sometimes on an old Peter, Paul, and Marry LP. Always found it lovely. Though, not when I do it. :P

Anyway, sing in the shower, sing in the car! Its therapeutic, it expands your voice, and its just good fun, even if you suck.

Oh, and I was in guy mode while I was playing with my phone so I look pretty rough. Wow, I'm big on disclaimers, am I not?

Don't be too harsh. :P

Inquiry

2010-06-16T20:56:00.001-04:00

Boy 1: Is that a girl?
Boy 2: No, thats a boy!
Boy 1: Girl!
Boy 3: Its a boy...A man!
Boy 1: Hey! Are you a girl?

This exchange took place between three young 8-12 year old looking boys in the hall at work. They had come with their parents now that school was out it seems, and none of them had seen me before. At the time I had my hair pulled back in a tight low pony tail, and was dressed in my loose, crumpled male slacker garb.

By the time the direct question came up, I was far enough down the hall to pretend I had not heard, or had assumed they were talking to someone closer.

On another note, a friend has invited me out for lunch some time this week. We used to work in the same building 3 years ago, but now our paths rarely cross at work. The invite came while I was back at central office Monday. Maybe its just meant to be a chance to catch up, but something tells me she's got questions. If she asks, I'll probably answer honestly. I'm just so ready to be out, and this could be the chance.

Looking back over the last few years, I never really had a plan at work, but the way things have happened, I've accidentally slowly tempered people and I don't think many would be surprised now. Having people know before an official announcement would just relieve tension at this point.

Pomp and Circumstance

2010-06-13T10:05:00.001-04:00

The last 9 days or so have been really eventful! Last weekend, I had an amazing trip to Lexington. My work week was wild, as school was winding down and there were lots of loose ends to tie up, and this weekend the seniors had their graduation.

Really, it was an unusually social week for me, and I'm very lucky that the weekend before it bolstered my self esteem. The stress would have been unbearable if I were still feeling the way I felt the last time I blogged.

Actually I did arrive in Lexington feeling pretty low when I reported for laser Friday night. Saturday though, I got up and threw on the outfit pictured in my last blog, along with some 3 inch peep toe brown leather pumps to dress it up a bit. I drove to Louisville and looked around St. Mathews mall and everyone treated me so normal.

Back in Lexington, everyone was really encouraging about my looks. At one point in the Transkentucky meeting we discussed working in drab when people sort of have you figured out. I chimed in and said I was basically out at work, and was going to launch into the story about my ex from way back telling me I had been spotted by some of her relatives in London. But I never got to tell my story because as soon as I said I thought I was out at work, several people began to imply there was no way I could pass as a guy. There were other reassuring moments too though, and by the end of the meeting, I was feeling confident and ready to take on the world.

At the meeting, I finally got to talk to Leslie, who I have missed a lot in past weeks and months. But we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked. I also had the pleasure of meeting some really cool new people, including Sophie Hawes of the Freeing Hummingbirds blog. It was a pleasure getting to talk with her and she is every bit as charming and engaging in person as she is online. Its always encouraging to get a glimpse ahead in the transition process too, which makes meeting her that much more interesting. Full time, I can hardly wait!

Also... I got hit on at a gas station, (twice almost actually) which made me feel a bit more normal and human. After we chatted while we were pumping fuel, he pulled up beside my car while I was programming my GPS and asked if he could give me his phone number. The whole thing was just very sweet.

Tina, Lisa and I had two great midnight cookouts with a charcoal grill and it was so nice getting to spend some time with them. Tina got some hair styling done over the weekend and saw an electrologist. I dropped by her salon and was treated really well. Sylvia came as well and we both had a consultation with Tina's electrologist. She was very kind, with lots of compliments and advice. Really she reminded me of my friend Debbie, in that she seems to have a tendency to take trans girls under her wing. Very motherly and sweet. I'll probably use her services in the near future.

A neat weekend, seeing all my friends. Seems a big year for everyone and its nice watching everyone grow and find their place.

When I got home, I felt like a different person. This place doesn't seem so oppressive right now. For weeks, my confidence has been battered, but last weekend it was bolstered. I guess friends, normalcy, and encouragement are just emotionally healthy things. :P

Sunday morning my post laser break out came, and with a vengeance. There were places on my face big enough to cast shadows quite literally, and my upper lip was a mass of sores. Monday morning came and the skin was too delicate to shave still, so I reported to work with 3 days worth of patchy fried hair protruding from festering acne like follicles. I got some odd looks, but it didn't bother me. I just focused on my many blessings and the temporal nature of the problem. I was grungy and male looking all week, but I never felt anything less than human, or less than a woman.

I ended up designing the banners for the graduation and setting up the camera and projector to project events on stage live. I thought my contribution was pretty much over, but then I was asked to run the camera and help look after the projector. The table with the projector, camera, and laptop for power points was right between the seating for the graduates and the teachers. So basically, literally the very center of everything. Down there with me most of the night, two gorgeous co-workers who actually got to dress appropriately for the occasion. Dresses, heels, perfect hair. There were feelings of inferiority and insecurity. I guess there is still a part of me that just wanted to run away. I think I managed it well though. I still held onto my confidence, looking like a male scarecrow despite the huge audience, conspicuous placement and being surrounded by people who, generally make me feel ugly. LOL!

Actually, I still feel great. Skin is clear almost now, and the facial hair should shed from laser by Wednesday. Depending on the results this time, I might be approaching my time to come out. We'll see!

Paper Tigress

2010-05-30T19:28:00.001-04:00

It's a rainy summer Saturday. Derby day 2010, in Louisville, Kentucky. My friend Debbie and I stroll into a very nice bar to catch the race on the big screen. There's so much hustle and bustle and all the girls are dressed up for derby day. I'm in one of my favorite summer florals despite the weather, which seemed a silly choice earlier in the day. But inside a lot of other women had also chosen not to let the weather spoil their original derby day wardrobe decision. It feels great being among people and being a part of things. I'm super confident today and for once I actually feel pretty.

A few minutes before the race I got up to make my way to the ladies' room, then made about three steps without considering my shoes could still be wet from the sidewalk outside. I slipped and had an awkward moment, rebalancing over my very narrow 3 inch heels. I giggled sheepishly and glanced around casually wondering who might have seen.

Almost straight ahead, two pairs of gorgeous brown eyes caught mine. Two nicely dressed clean cut men, around my own age, standing near eachother and each holding a drink. They looked a lot alike and I was imediately certain they were brothers. They had probably taken notice of me because of the sudden movement, but now they were still looking right at me. Its a look I have not experienced many times in my life, but I know it when I see it. They were admiring me.

Somehow I just knew, that all I had to do was smile and I could be over there with them. I wanted too. I almost did.

Then reality snapped into focus. I grow hair in places I shouldn't. I'm wearing more makeup than I should rightfully need. My complexion is awful, with skin swollen from laser the day before. I'm missing parts I should have. I have parts I shouldn't. They admire me now, from 20 feet away. But the distance, the low light, and a thin layer of cloth and mineral powder hides a multitude of sins. For now rare distant admiration is all I can accept. I can't date. I can't fall in love. If they spent time with me, either would eventually be disappointed. The only question is how long we could talk before someone saw through the paper thin illusion that masks my many handicaps.

The smile forming on my lips froze incomplete and something primal and natural that was happening inside died . There was no time to think. I couldn't end up with a situation where they would feel comfortable approaching me. I gave them the tiniest cold smile and then turned to the women's room with a dismissive toss of my hair.

A paper thin layer of cloth and makeup hides a multitude of sins. I am a paper tigress.

Empty Days

2010-05-30T18:41:00.000-04:00

Its a gorgeous weekend. Warm, slight breeze, and a beautiful sky. Mom and Dad's property looks gorgeous. From my window I can see several species of birds. Lots of lovely flowers are in bloom. Besides all that, this particular weekend happens to be a resplendent three days long. I should be happy. I have been so blessed in the past months. But today I'm having a hard time keeping sight of that.

I've been slipping emotionally ever since Thursday. A task I needed to do involved going to every classroom and working with every teacher in the building. For the most part, I've been feeling very social lately, but for some reason my confidence was just shot last week. Odd looks and mean comments from the high school boys usually do not mean much to me. But Thursday I was just feeling delicate, and the same treatment I get all the time just felt different. Instead of keeping my head high and moving on, I felt the sting every glance and word, and it just kept weakening me.

By Friday, I was in a major slump. My self esteem was shattered. I was feeling inferior to everyone and even simple conversations made me feel scared. My heart was racing most the day from fear and stress and I just felt so tired.

Around two I finished my room to room project and was sitting at my desk planning what to work on next when a class of kids came by. My office is fronted with a large window. When I moved in I took the ugly metal blinds down, and the door is always open. I like people to feel welcome to walk right in, and I like the open feeling that has. So, the kids walk by my office, and as usual a majority turned to look inside as they passed. Gotta see how absurd the resident tranny/queer/gay, (whatever they think I am) is looking today, of course.

Well, one boy stopped and looked me right in the eye. Then he extended a limp wristed wave and said "Hey!" in a super squeaky high voice meant to mock mine. I just rolled my eyes and he moved on. Inside though something just snapped. My energy was completely gone. I spent the next 20 minutes crying as I watched my swirly blue screensaver.

Is that how people see me? "Hey!" That is my default greeting when I'm in a good mood. What the fuck is so funny about that? I just wanted to be gone.

After my eyes were dry I decided to go out to buy a little snack. I still looked like a wreck. The walk to the exit involved cutting across the technology lab. As luck would have it, the high school labs were booked up and they were using our lab for some online testing. The door is at the back of the room and I stepped in quietly, but a few kids on the back row looked up to see who had entered. One boy got this annoying little smirk and started elbowing the girl next to him. "Look! Look! It's that guy!" he said in a tone that he intended to be a whisper, but that was far too loud to fit the definition.

I started to just go home, but in the end I bought some Starbusrt and a grapefruit juice and went back to find some desk work. I wasn't fit to be around people, but that didn't mean I was completely useless.

I am, forced to present in these ill fitting clothes, intentionally passing myself off as a guy, yet trying to be myself in every regard other than attire. A girl, in oversized men's clothes, with some male physical attributes, a touch of facial hair and a high nasal voice, working as a male. Its no wonder I'm such a joke to these kids.

I went home so glad that the weekend was starting. But then after a nap and a cry, I found myself feeling trapped here. Another place I'm not free to be myself. Another place I'm not fully accepted. Another place I can't be comfortable. I find myself longing for a chance to get away to somewhere I can just be myself. This happens a lot on my weekends at home. But usually I can look forward to getting back to work, and in my present state, thats nothing to look forward to.

I feel sub-human.

Frivolous Photo Update

2010-05-23T20:18:00.002-04:00

(Photo with the green shirt was taken at work last week. The rest are me trying on my new Hard Rock Cafe tee today. I saw it when I ate at Hard Rock Cafe last weekend, resisted buying it there, then came back and ordered it online. I think its my favorite tee! No makeup in any of these. Just hope none of the hair comes back. :P )

I'm just feeling great about my transition progress today and thought I'd put up some updated photos. Right now it just feels like everything is coming together more and more.

I have one more pre-paid laser session left, and I'm so pleased with the results of the last appointment. Two days without a shave yields visible hair, but none growing close enough together to shadow. Immediately after a shave, its pretty hard to tell there is hair at all.

My face is looking altogether softer and smoother too. Recently I picked up my Mary Kay skin regimen again. There were a few bumps as I adjusted to using retanol but now that my skin has adjusted, my skin is looking much nicer on this regimen than the gentler routine I was using back when laser was harder on me. I've even picked up microderm abrasion again. So thrilled!

Body-wise, I'm thrilled with the way things are going. I've lost a lot of strength and tone over the last year, but my measurements have kept improving and I'm really happy with most of my body right now. Just feeling softer, more feminine and more me.

It all feels so natural and healthy. Its hard to explain. Its just, my body feels like it is now doing what it should have been all along, and the feeling that comes with that is just.... I don't know! :P Content? Relaxed? Serendipity? I'm happy at any rate. :)

I've changed up my work look a bit more. I've stopped flat ironing out all the volume and am really enjoying working with a blow dryer and round brush to get lots of body and curl. Its getting some looks. Some people are cool with it and have even complimented it. Others seemed a bit put off at first, but adjusted, at least externally. I'm growing my nails out now and wearing polish as well, though all the physical labor lately ensures lots of chips and scrapes.

So far the nails have been complimented at work once, and the hair has gotten positive comments from several people including students. Two people have actually referred to it as "so pretty". I'm just appreciating the tolerance level here so much!

Go Super Saver!

2010-05-07T22:56:00.000-04:00

Ater a hectic work week, I finally get to start the current relaxed weekend by writing up last weekend, which was anything but relaxed. Friday I was scheduled for laser in Lexington. Saturday I was scheduled for my first counseling session since June, in Louisville. While I was in Lexington I wanted to visit Lisa, and while I was in Louisville I wanted a chance to visit Debbie. Also Saturday was of course derby day, as well as Transkentucky day. It didn't sound like a crazy schedule to me as I thought it out all week, but it did turn out to be very rushed sometimes - but in a fun way!

Friday, I decided to take a personal day since my laser appointment 2 hours away was scheduled a little earlier in the day than I usually do it. This made for a carefree morning of picking the right clothes, taking care of my hair, and packing all the cosmetics I haven't used in an age.

I've been running around in a very androgynous state since January first. All my time away has been based around laser appointments. Makeup before the appointments was pointless, and after the damaged hair was impossible to hide. So really I've not been pleased with my appreance for a single day in 2010 up until last weekend. I thought I was fine with it, but I started to realized over the last few weeks that my self esteem is eroding a bit, being forced to present male for so long.

Last weekend though was my comeback. There was so little hair left that I decided I could probably cover it even after laser, and it was derby weekend, which is Kentucky's ultimate excuse for fun clothes! While packing I came to the conclusion that the hair was reduced far enough that I could present correctly at laser. Since it would be the first time they would see me presenting as my true gender, I decided to dress to be taken seriously. Black slacks and a fitted vest with a ruched silk top in a cream color.

When I got to Lexington I was able to visit Lisa briefly, then I went for the appointment. I was a little nervous walking in, but they were very welcoming and the whole visit was very comfortable and friendly. I got compliments on my clothes. They were really pleased with the laser results so far. They even asked before beginning the treatment whether I was wearing makeup. :P

Saturday morning my face wasn't irritated at all and the remaining hair didn't look to hard to cover. I tried a thin layer of ivory concealer over my chin and upper lip, and then brushed outward. Instead of a hard border for the concealer this left a gradual change in tone between the natural skin tone and the concealer. Next I used a light liquid foundation and then a thin layer of mineral powder. With a little color over this I was very satisfied. It was the easiest and most natural makeup job I have ever done, even though it was just one day after laser!

Despite the cold and damp day I decided I'd still dress nice for derby. I settled on a strapless floral in black and blue with pearl jewelry. For the first time in several months I felt pretty and fully confident in my appearance.

Counseling went great. We mainly just caught up on happenings. Also she issued me a carry letter and we talked about my plans to go full time without moving first. For the first time, she seemed very supportive of this plan. The next time we meet, we are going to begin talking through actual time lines.

The session was really enjoyable, and though it was scheduled to be an hour we talked almost two. Near the end we got off topic and were talking about pretty much random things. In a story from way back I mentioned that I "was a very strange looking creature at the time." To which she replied "You are anything but strange looking now. You're a beautiful young woman." She said it with such sincerity, and though she has given me mild reassurance before, she had never given me a compliment like that. I left feeling great!

After therapy I went to Debbie's. She fixed a delicious lunch of stir fry shrimp and steak. Then we went to PF Chang's to have cocktails and watch the race. It was great fun and Debbie's bet on Super Saver turned out to be an excellent choice.

We dropped by Sally's Beauty supply after to look for some nail products someone had recommended to Debbie. Then we chatted and worked on our nails back at Debbie's. We topped off the evening with a late dinner at the Bristol on Bard's Town road. On derby day Louisville is busy well in to the night, and Bard's Town Road is a pretty popular place. We took a table at the window and watched the well dressed derby goer's pass as we chatted and enjoyed the food.

Sunday I made it home late and tired after visiting with Lisa and Tina. I feel so happy right now. Transition is progressing well and I'm so sure this is going to be the year I get to let go of my secret completely and finally live true to myself.

A Visit, Progress, and McAfee

2010-04-24T14:06:00.002-04:00

Its been such an eventful week. I got to visit a couple of local friends and catch up, which was so nice. Plus I've been in a dorky mood lately, and they were in the mood to play video games, and actually suggested one of my favorites that I had not had the chance to play in multiplayer for some time. It was nice, and very nostalgic too.

At work, things have been busy, but I've not felt to stressed. McAfee released a bad dat file that destroyed svchost.exe on Windows XP Service Pack 3 computers. We use Windows XP Service Pack 3 on most of our machines, and the state has mandated McaFee for every workstation, so the impact was severe in my office, with lots of sudden problems Wednesday. The cleaning process is tedious. Several services stop working correctly, including networking. So unless you have some solution to boot to something else to replace files, clean up is completely manual. That is basically the situation with us.

So from Wednesday through Friday, i've been doing the "sneakernet" thing. You have to strap on some fast shoes and run from machine to machine replacing files. A bit ago, that would have been terrifying. In early transition, all the looks, all the comments, all the wondering what the crowd around me was thinking was too much to handle. I'd put off work that involved staying in a populated classroom more than a few moments out of fear. Even just walking the hall, worrying what people were thinking and when someone was going to scream something derogatory, was draining and I'd always have to unwind in my office a moment after a trip.

Slowly I've adjusted to being a bit of a curiosity though and learned to accept it. M my stress level has dropped with that lesson and I've become more efficient. Its a good thing too, because there was no time to unwind this week. I've been on the run, but I've enjoyed it. For the most part, I got nothing but respect, and I've felt calm and focused, with only occasional bouts of social anxiety during the process.

Also I've got to say this has been a very eventful few weeks in terms of physical transition. My whole body shape continues to change in subtly feminine ways, and I've had several spurts of breast growth. It complicates my passing as male, but I'm past caring. In light of recent evidence it seems I'm very nearly out anyway, and I'm proud of the changes in my body.

I'm hoping they can tolerate me in this androgynous state just a little longer as I finish laser and get my orchiectomy. Soon after I'll be announcing my intent, and no matter what their decision about keeping me, I'll be out, and finally free to be myself. I just hope until then my transition keeps progressing, and they keep accepting me. JUst so thankful for my progress. Its all so amazing I can't think about it without smiling. :)

A Suprise

2010-04-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

Fascinating week here. Work was absolutely wild and I've got a lot done. Things at home have been comparatively tranquil. More importantly though, my perception of my situation here as suddenly changed drastically.

A bit back I posted that because of some events out of town, that I was questioning how effective my presentation was and how much people around me have guessed or heard at this point. Since that time, there has been more local evidence that people definitely know something is up, though I'm still left with lots of questions.

Most of the evidence is trivial stuff in conversation. Students just definitely seem to see whats happening. More and more, lots of them seem supportive. Many take the time to say hi every time they see me at this point, and I even get some encouraging compliments from time to time. Last week I was at the middle school and as I was hastily making my way down the hall to a job, a girl passing the other direction reached out to offer a high five. :)

With adults, things are improving as well. People who seemed a bit uneasy about me as my appearance started to shift seem to be finding a comfort level with me now. Maybe they have figured it out and are dealing with it now that the mystery is solved. Maybe the newness and shock of my unusual presentation has worn off. Really it is hard to know. But I have noticed that certain people go out of their away to avoid using male titles and pronouns for me unnecessarily.

Last week, I did something I've wanted to do forever. I apologized to my ex from back in my high school and college days. We dated for three years after meeting near the end of high school, and then married. It was all a huge mistake, and a few months later she left and we had the marriage anulled. Since then we have not been in touch often, but at one point she called to apologize for the manner in which she left, because she was suffering with guilt.

I always felt awful about simply accepting that apology, because really it was all my fault. I misrepresented myself on so many levels in that relationship, and there was really no chance it could have lasted. I was the one who should have ben apologizing to her, and this week, I finally found her online and explained everything.

It turned out she already knew. She saw me on Thanksgiving weekend in 2008, when she came to visit my parents. At the time, I knew she expected. After all, she did tell me that at first she thought I was my mom. She is telling me now that she had it pretty much figured out at that point. Besides that, her mother has since mentioned to her that a relative saw me in London, KY wearing a dress.

I had always thought that I might have been recognized there, as it is one of the closer, larger towns from here and lots of us go over. As a tech working in a crowded school, there are more people who know me, than people I know. Besides that, I have worked here for eight years, which means lots of graduates who are out working and living all over south eastern Kentucky could probably recognize me.

Back at one point, I wrote about a cashier asking me why I was in a dress in wig (when I was actually wearing my natural hair) over in London. One possibility on why I was read has always been that they recognized me from school, and I simply didn't remember them. Seems likely now that is the case.

So now I finally know definitively that at least some people in my community know. Something like that doesn't happen without causing rumors when you live in a small town. With appearance changes corroborating the rumor, I'd say I'm pretty much out on some level. That thought was scary at first after our conversation, but then I realized, that really that I've always wished people could know the truth, and now apparently they do.

My boss has been complimenting my work, I feel secure at my job, and more welcome in this community than ever before. Now I'm finding out that is all happening even with people at least partially knowing my situation. As my contract comes up for renewal two months from now, I find myself wondering what happens next, but with more curiosity than fear. :)

The Weight of My Transgressions

2010-04-11T08:17:00.001-04:00

Today, I should be happy. Hormones are working. Laser is working. I'm feeling better about myself than I ever have. My work day was productive. The weather is pretty. Everything is for once clicking away like clockwork.

And yet, today my thoughts are heavy. Weighted by guilt, and concern for a dear friend.

I was doing desk work this afternoon, when she logged in to google chat. I asked her how she was and she said she was feeling a little down. She's been having a hard time. Life for a single mother is always stressful. And now her car has been out of commission despite lots of parts being replaced over the past few weeks. But most importantly, she had to leave a boyfriend a few days ago; someone she had become really close to.

I found myself wishing so much I could see her and know she's okay. I wanted to hug her. But we are literally half a world apart. For I am here. And she is in South Africa. When she said that she was having a hard day, all I could do was struggle for some encouraging words. She bravely sent back a little smiley in response. And then I sat at my desk crying in frustration.

Partly I was just hurt that she was going through this again. Such a loving person, again by herself, struggling to detangle herself from emotions and memories that now cause pain. It was only a short time ago that she had to endure this same process.

But the main reason I cry is guilt. Because the boyfriend before this one, was me. More than a boyfriend, I was her fiance. If I had stayed with her until death due us part as I told her I would, she would not be alone.

We met online at a parrot forum. I was in middle of the most thorough emotional "purge" of my life. What started as innocent flirting quickly turned into a strong emotional connection, growing steadily at both ends. For her, I was the sensitive man who always knew just what to say. Someone more like her than any man she had known; easy to relate to, and so in sync with her thoughts. For me, she was the first person I had managed to truly bond with romantically in over ten years. Also she was the most charming and engaging person I had ever met. She was so caring and open minded in her perspective. Besides all that she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.

Her love for me was a healthy and wonderful thing. And part of what I felt for her was just as healthy. But there were some dark under currents. She met me at a point where I was trying to prove to myself once and for all that I could be a man. She became the justification for my continuing to exist as male. She was the center of my life.

She always said I knew just what to say and just what she needed. But the truth is, I knew how to act because I knew what I would want, were I her. I bolstered her weak self esteam, and tried my best to make her feel loved, and beautiful. I was living out my storybook romance, only, from the wrong end.

As our relationship progressed, we managed to spend time toegether in person. I flew to visit her in Cape Town once for three weeks. She came to me here twice. We toured Washington D.C., and Atlanta together. For three years she was my world. She was the one thing that made my life make sense. And during that time we were both faithful to each other as we waited for a chance to live on the same continent. My life revolved around our vacations together, and I was forever tethered through instant messaging, online games and phone calls; anything to keep us connected across the span.

But there was always turbulence. After our first visit in person, my gender dysphoria, which I was denying more thoroughly than I ever had in my life, came raging back. It was 6 months into our relationship and I told her everything of my past. I managed to keep it mostly at bay, but on higher and higher levels of my conscience I was aware that I was defying my true nature to make this work.

I was always envious. When we were together in person, it was always so hard for me. She was delicate, smooth, so infinitely feminine. Lying behind her at night, wrapped protectively around her small delicate form probably would have made a man feel strong, happy, and lucky to have such an amazing mate. But feeling her soft, curvy, feminine body against me mostly made me feel hopelessly disfigured and sad. Sometimes I was unable to sleep. I would just lay behind her, half wishing I could have what she had and half clinging desperately to the strong, protective role that gave my pitiful male existence purpose.

...

This was written several months back. At the time I just didn't have strength to finish. I was cleaning up all my unused old drafts today and decided to try finishing the story. The visits were amazing in ways. I lived for them actually, even though one a year is all we could afford. I have all these memories of us playing in the snow, shopping two continents, hanging out at restaurants in Cape Town and exploring the city together. Of course when you have that much emotion for someone all the affection is wonderful too.

In the end we were just not right for each other. It was never an even relationship. For her, it was love. For me it was that and more. Too much more. It was a justification for living male. It was the one thing that made some sense of it all. I was doing it because I loved her, so I was being what she needed. This made the perfect excuse to keep taking the path of least resistance in my life.

By the end she had started picking up on that. She started to realize that the relationship was the crutch propping up my male existence. My life making sense depended on her, and that led to my desperately clinging to her. With all my insecurities, and this need to defend the relationship combined, I was the most pitifully co-dependant, jealous, controlling creature imaginable. For her, it was too much responsibility. And, me, I had become something less than human. I was just her envious little satellite, able to exist only because of her.

I think it lasted as long as it did because beneath all of that, we really did have a lot of love for each other, and the distance was a bit of a buffer from the truth of our incompatibilities. In the end though, the pull to be myself was too strong, and I came to resent what I had allowed myself to become. I didn't want to be a satellite anymore, with who I am dictated by gravitation to someone else. I wanted to be free to be myself.

The split was so difficult. The memory that stands out the most is sitting in the floor with my back against a wall, with a cell phone in my hand. I was crying. She asked the question for the second time. "So this is it? You're leaving me?" I could hear the pain in her voice. The first time she asked, I wasn't able to find the words. This time, I managed a weak yes. And we both cried together.

It wasn't an even relationship. For me, it's losing my orbit, my path, my reason for existence. Because I had become but a moon. For her, you would think it easier to let go of her pesky little satellite, with its insecurities and its constant calls. But satellites have their own tiny gravitational force, that effects the tides and a thousand other little things. Losing one comes with its own pains.

When I answered her question with "yes", it was an agonizing moment for both of us, but something magical happened. Satellites are supposed to slowly get closer as they orbit, until there's eventually a crash. But in that moment, a moon lifted painfully and floated into space to find her own path. All my life up tot hat moment, I took the path of least resistance, content to orbit someone or something else. But though it was hard at first, in that moment planet Shannon started defying gravity.

Of Furrows and Mule's Ears

2010-04-10T10:15:00.000-04:00

This week a farmer passed away here in my town. I didn't know him, but he always seemed such an interesting character. He was 94 years old, and was still sharp as a tack. He was still gardening and driving, and just loved to talk. I guess there is something to say for eating organic home grown foods almost exclusively and staying physically active, but I think luck and genetics favored him a bit as well probably. He was really down to earth, and a thinker. In fact, he was a bit famous for offering lots of colorful unsolicited wisdom in the form of long monologues. Everyone loved him though and he was a pleasure to talk to.

The day before he died, an area television station came to interview him about a mining accident that happened here many years ago. Hhis family went to his room to wake him to watch the interview on television and found him in his chair. He had passed quietly at home at 94.

This morning Dad mentioned watching that last interview on the station's web site. Particularly an analogy caught his attention. The farmer was talking about his dad and some advice on plowing from years ago. The father had said that when you plow, you don't look behind at the plow. You keep looking straight ahead, right between the mule's ears or you might end up three furrows over. The farmer said he had applied this to a lot of areas in life beyond plowing. I guess its a fairly colorful way of saying "Keep your eye on the prize."

I think anyone in transition can take a lot from that statement if you think about it. Don't look back over where you have been. There's not much point in looking back over what you wish you had done. And looking to the side at furrows still left isn't too useful. The important thing is the furrow that you are on in the hear and now, and keeping it straight with a keen eye on the immediate objective ahead.

I think that's me right now. I'm not wasting too much time with regrets about my late start in transition anymore. And I'm not obsessing over the parts still further on, that I don't know how to manage yet. I've got a plan for the rest of this field, but right now I've got my eye at the end of the furrow I'm making.

I could maybe use a faster mule though. :P

Pushing Past The Mist

2010-04-08T18:22:00.001-04:00

Take one step at a time.
There's no need to rush.
It's like learning to fly,
or falling in love...

-Jordan Sparks

Anyone who has spent much time around me knows that planning isn't really my forte. I have a hard time thinking beyond this week, and for the most part, anything farther ahead than that feels impossible to me, unless I'm in a really optimistic mood.

If I do take on something longer term, my plans tend to be very vague and misty. And so it has always been with my transition. It's hard for me to break it down into tasks, and the whole thing seems totally impossible. It has been like a beacon shining in fog, with no way to discern the surrounding landscape. At first it felt unreachable, but eventually I needed to get there bad enough to start taking little steps into the fog. With each step I could see just a little farther down the path, and I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with the idea that even though I can't see exactly how to get where I am going, with each step I can see what to do next.

There is still a fear that eventually I'll hit a wall, or thicket or something. If so though, I'll at least be that much closer to where I need to be. With enough determination I think you can find a way past any obstacle, and though planning is a weak point with me, determination is something I have.

Okay, so, beyond metaphors, what exactly am I trying to say? When I started out, I didn't know what to do about work or family, I needed counseling, an endocrinologist, a referral, laser, electrolysis, and lots of time for hormones to work. Then of course, the name change, document updates, the real life test, and of course, the GRS. At first it was overwhelming but by focusing on one thing at a time, I've made a lot of progress.

The family situation has settled down. My work situation seems stable so far. I got a part of the counseling I need, the referral, the hormones, and have had enough time for hormones to make quite a lot of difference. Also, the facial part of laser is going well. So far so good. So where to next?

I'm going for more facial laser on the 30th, and I'm going to start asking about laser in a few other areas while continuing with TRIA in the places I use it currently. On the 1st, back to counseling. I've decided I want to get an orcheictomy now, because I'm not sure when I'l be able to afford GRS. My counselor is more familiar with the standards of care than me, so I'll be askign her how much red tape is involved. In the mean time, I'll be researching the potential drawbacks of having an orchi well in advance of a GRS.

Also, I'll be asking her questions about the name change, and what is involved in changing the gender marker on my driver's license in Kentucky. I know I'm quite a long way from being able to change the birth certificate, but I'm not sure what is involved with the license.

So hopefully if this goes well, I can start making progress toward an orchi, while the hormones and laser are still slowly working. If I can schedule the orchi, then shortly afterward I intend to handle every name and gender marker I can legally change at this early point, and then come out at work.

I'm hoping it can all happen this year. I have no idea what will happen at work, or how well things will go at home. I may need a new place to live, or a new job or both shortly after. But I will be on my real life test, and will not have to worry about testosterone ever again. From there, its a matter of figuring out how to take care of GRS. The cost is daunting, and there are so many possible surgeons in so many places.

All that is still out there in the mist though. Right now I'm just taking little steps, and handling each thing as it materializes.

Hairistics

2010-04-05T20:25:00.000-04:00

Well, here we are, its that time again. Today is 10 days after laser and I expect major shedding to start tomorrow! While I was sitting around plucking at the remaining hair, trying to decide what was going to shed, and what I was stuck with another 5 weeks. There is some coming back in that I thought until now I was permanently rid of. And it doesn't look like problem areas are going to get a full shed this time. I am very happy with my overall progress, but on facial hair, I'm a bit concerned. I think its time to start giving electrolysis a very, very serious look.

I have two more appointments left facially, and then I might do a few more laser appointments for other areas I can't handily reach with a TRIA home laser. But on my face, it will be electrolysis from there in, unless something really impressive suddenly starts happening with laser.

Still, what laser has been able to get, it has handled efficiently. THe way I used to be, it would have taken years and years of electrolysis. There was just too much hair. Now, its down to amounts an electrologist can manage. Assuming of course, that it doesn't all come back. That's a scary possibility too.

Guess we'll see!

Revisiting A Very,Very Tired Conversation LOL

2010-04-04T12:29:00.003-04:00

Picture if you will, a courtyard. An ocean of violets in bloom. The animals strike curious poses..... Oops, wrong scenario.

Okay, lets try again.

Picture if you will, a theatre. A tranny is in the men's room. Four teenage thugs strike curious poses. They feel that she, that she is in the wrong room.

Oops, I'm sorry. My sense of humor can be a little quirky. For those who missed it, the lyrics are a Prince reference. Er, the top set. The spoof version, I take full responsibility for, so throw the tomatoes this direction. I love 'em! I think a Prince song just popped into my head because this story happens to hinge around androgyny. :P

Alright, and now on to the story. Seriously!

A few weekends back, I was in London, Kentucky with friends. While we were out shopping around, we decided to go catch a movie. Eventually everyone settled on "She's Out Of My League", and after the tickets were purchased we made our way to the refreshments counter.

I was pretty close to home, due for laser, and traveling light. So I had elected to go as a guy. It was very obvious that my presentation was suspicious at best. I had received lots of odd looks at a Cracker Barrel restaurant earlier that day, and had been addressed "ladies" by the waitress. That sort of thing is great for my confidence, because my goal in guy mode is really not to pass fully, but rather to get by.

Inside the theatre, I was getting tons of weird looks, which I really didn't mind. No one seemed threatening. Then something happened that made me think.

I went t the restroom about half way through the movie. All the shows had started within a few minutes of each other, and were all right in the middle of their run time. The lobby was mostly desserted, but there were employees around and it felt pretty safe.

As I have done all my life, I stepped into the men's room in men's clothes, without any consideration. As I rounded the corner inside, I was shocked by the sight of four rough looking teen guys. One was pointing a small knife in the direction of another, and one had his head in the sink.

As they noticed me round the corner, the knife quickly disappeared into a pocket and one of the guys began shaking the one with his head in the sink to get up. The other two were both looking at me like I shouldn't be there. One of them opened his mouth to speak, but then stood quietly, still looking in my direction.

My heart was racing. This situation didn't feel safe. These were just kids, but they looked like absolute thugs. The knife was probably just out to carve something into a wall or something, but still they were staring at me, and they had a weapon somewhere. At least it was a good sign that they had put it away.

I had an option at this point. Turn and walk out, or walk past to get to a stall. I felt myself wanting to back up to the door and leave. For some reason though, after a moment I found myself walking past as they observed me curiously. I was still terrified, but trying hard to look like I belonged there.

As I closed the stall door, they all began to laugh and someone said "That dude looked like a girl!" My fear started to subside. I've seen kids offended by my appearance, and I've seen kids who simply think I'm a big joke. These kids didn't show any signs of that fear driven transphobic hatred, but instead an amused curiosity. I tried to hold on to that thought as I sat protected only by four thin metal walls and a puny bathroom stall latch.

Everything went quiet, and I waited to step out. First I glanced around the floor through the gap around the bottom of the stall wall. There was no sign of them, so I quickly made my way back to the lobby.

The rest of night went a lot better but this experience left me with lots of questions. What if those guys had been the sort who would react violently to someone like me? They could have chosen to kill me as quickly as they chose to put the knife away. They were pretty sure the restroom was safely deserted or they would not have picked it as a hangout probably.

On the bathroom question, I have always thought it is simple. If you are presenting male, with any degree of success, I figured you should be in the men's room. If you are presenting female, and people are accepting that in their interactions, you should be going to the women's room. They were simple rules, but have served me well until now.

But what happens, when you are at a point where you can't always present as female, yet can't pass consistently as a male? I think right now, depending on distances, angles, and variables that shift from day to day, I can be perceived as anything from a very effiminite male, to an obvious transexual, to a tall woman with strange fashion sense.

I guess the obvious answer would be to go full time if I can't consistently pass as male. But with my employment situation as it is, that has major financial risks. Especially before I finish laser, I consider it a bad idea.

I suppose really all I can do for now is do guy mode in unfamiliar places only when it's necessary, be mindful of how my presentation is working on any given day, and just be careful of the possible consequences.

I'm looking forward to a day when I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Gettin' There

2010-03-29T01:07:00.001-04:00

"Welcome to the fallout,
Welcome to resistance,
The tension is here,
Then tension is here,
Between who you are and who you could be,
Between how it is and how it should be."

-Switchfoot, "Dare You To Move"

Friday night I was in Lexington staying with friends after a laser appointment. At one point I decided to go by Kroger and get chips, dip, and some Coronas . I didn't really know exactly where the store was, so I used GPS and ended up at a Kroger I had never been to, just a few minutes farther than the usual one.

It was late and the aisles were nearly deserted, which was just as well. There was less hair for laser to effect this time, so the skin irritation and darkening of the hair were a little less noticeable than usual, but it still left me insecure. It was impossible to shave the remaining hair close enough for makeup, and my skin probably wouldn't respond have responded well to either, so I was stuck presenting male, and looking a little more convincing than I care to. I had dreaded too much public exposure in such a state; my baggy, oversized, careless male guise I've described here so often, with a worn leather bomber jacket over, and my freshly lasered face. The solitude was welcome.

I found the items I needed quickly, then wheeled my cart to checkout and found there was one open lane. The cashier eyed me as I approached. He was tall and athletic, and really too young for me to be concerned with his opinion of me in the least. But suddenly I was thinking about the way I looked and feeling incredibly insecure.

I am in the habit of unloading carts from the front, but I stepped into the lane with the cart ahead of me. As I started to step around to the front, I realized that the lanes were oddly narrow, so I had to slip past the cart awkwardly. Then when I reached the front and looked at the cart, I realized that instead of a huge load of groceries, I was just buying a few items loaded, of course, from the back. Rather than myself look even more stupid going all the way around the cart again, I just stretched to reach across the whole cart to unload, probably again looking like such a dunce.

After he scanned my items and the guy bagging the groceries placed them into another cart, (mine is still sillily behind me after all) he says "Ma'am, can I see your ID?" I had been stressing over being perceived as male (and a weird looking one at that), and let it make me nervous enough to do the ditziest, grocery checkout imaginable, only to find out that apparently was not the perception at all.

I was elated, for a split second, but that quickly gave way to another wave of anxiety as I realized what would inevitably happen next. I fished a men's wallet out of my pocket to provide my ID, and stepped close enough that the lasered hair would have to be noticeable. He took it all in stride, and didn't seem taken aback by any of it. I payed, and as I stepped over to take the other cart, the employee who had bagged the groceries spoke. **Made up name in all this stuff below. :P**

"Hey, do you know someone name Sophie?" **If you have to make up a name, I say pick something interesting!**

At this point I'm really noticing him for the first time; I'd been so nervous about how much of a weirdo I must look like to the clerk, and so preoccupied with fighting the cart. A bit shorter than me, thin and wirey. Dark hair, brown eyes. He's got a series of heavy, matching silver hoops in his ears, and a goatee. Overall he presents a really gothic vibe.

"Mmmmm, Sophie Scarborough?" I ask.

"Um, yeh." he says.

A this point, it is obvious that he has pegged me as a transgender woman, because Sophie Scarborough is a local trans girl. As I step through the doors into the entrance, he follows me out, talking about Sophie. "He's a friend of mine, we go way back." he explains.

At this point he looks a bit disappointed at himself and embarrassed about referring to Sophie as a he. He tells me they were friends in high school, and that its a bit of an adjustment. "Back in high school, we always called her Neo. Do we call her Trinity now?", he jokes casually.

We talked for a few moments there in the entry and I told him that me and Sophie occasionally see each other at support groups, and that she's always seemed pretty cool to me. He tells me he's been trying to get up with her for a while and asks me to let her know if I get a chance to mention. He says I'm welcome to come by and hang out. "... as long as you don't torch the place." he jokes again.

He tells me to have a good night, and I say "You too." I don't think I showed any nervousness, but I was caught off guard enough by the whole thing that I forgot to get his name. I don't really know Sophie well, but I'll probably message her on myspace and let her know she has an old high school friend there looking for her.

I was sleepy that night and didn't think about it a lot more. I did tell my friend's the short version of the story though.

In the morning I woke up wondering if I was wrong about the believability of my male presentation. I was physically and stylistically as masculine looking as I ever get that night, and I'd been ma'am'ed once at fairly close range, and clocked as transgender. So basically, I came in contact with two people, and 0% had seen me as a normal genetic male.

I talked to my friends about it, and I said I'm wondering now how passable I am. "As a girl?", "No, as a guy.", I clarified. Everyone started laughing and I suddenly felt like I had hit a major milestone. No one seemed to think I had much of a chance passing as a guy.

I've said this before, but one of my major goals is to get my physical appearance sorted out well enough that no matter what I wear, people will generally assume I'm a woman and not need secondary things like gender specific hairstyles or clothing to help make the identification. I mean, I enjoy clothes, but I want them to be something I enjoy, not a prop I rely on to help people gauge my gender identity. Its starting to look like maybe I'm approaching that goal.

As my friend's encouraged me, I thought back over the last few months. The tech from one of our vendor's at work, who called me miss. The server at Cracker Barrel last weekend who asked me and Robin "What would you ladies like to drink?" The trip to the theatre the same weekend, with the stares in the lobby, the standoff-ish ticket checker, and the teens in the restroom. "That dude looked like a girl!" (There's more to that story, but that is another blog entirely.) And of course, all the things students have said at work. I guess really all the evidence is there. I'm through passing as male! =)

I think maybe I've been a bit like an anorexic person. As the condition is usually described, no matter how much weight they lose, when they look in the mirror, they see too much. I hated having to look like a guy, and sometimes its been pretty dramatic. Really no matter how much I change, the remnants of the way I looked back then are the features that same most pronounced to me.

When something happens that implies I'm doing better with my transition than I thought, I might take notice for a while, but in the long run, I decide I'm fooling myself to think anyone is perceiving me as anything other than a man. Eventually I write each thing off as an isolated incident. And when my friend's compliment me, I tend to think they are being optimistic. But its starting to look like its all true! I really am well on my way!

There is some tension that comes with this though. If my male presentation is that off, what are people thinking at work? The state department just interviewed me a bit ago. I wonder what their perception of me was now. I just hope my job is safe. I guess the positive side of this though, is that if I'm that unappeasable as a guy, and its not caused a lot of friction at work yet, I am probably safe here at least until I'm ready to go full time. Perhaps even after.

If it does cause me trouble, it will be worth it. I just want to be me, and I want my appearance to reflect who I am, and I want to feel comfortable in my own body. I'm closer to all those things than ever before. =)

Time for a change... Oil that is.

2010-03-09T21:33:00.001-05:00

My car is overdue for an oil change, so yesterday I went out and bought some oil and a filter. Believe it or not, I can change my own oil! :p Generaly Dad does most of the work, and I just do this and that to make the process faster and easier. Still I have seen it done often enough I'm quite sure I could do it though. but my great automotive prowess is beside the point. Ha!

So, back to the car parts store! I walked in and the guy at the counter asked if he could help me. I explained that I needed 5 quarts of Mobil 1 5W-30 and a filter appropriate for a 2007 PT Cruiser. In a flash, he had the oil on the counter and had recommended a filter.

In past blogs I have mentioned that my middle name is Shannon, and that I use it pretty much everywhere. My first name I inherited from my Dad. It is not nearly as androgynous. No one ever uses that name, and its no longer even on any of my credit cards except for one. That particular card was the one I chose for this purchase.

Let's hypothetically say my given name is Jim Shannon Smith, and that this particular card says Jim S Smith. When I handed it over the clerk checked the name and said, "Oh, Jim Smith! Is that Jim Smith from Ziguflia?" (I'm not really from Ziguflia, thats hypothetical again.) The clerk was a bit older than my Dad, and that's obviosuly who he was referring to.

I'm in guy mode of course, so I reply "Yes, I'm his son." At that point he looked a bit puzzled and asked me to repeat, so I told him again. He looked more confused than ever.

"Uh.. hmm... uh... Well!" he eventually replied. "He's a fine fell'er."

:P

Then I remembered the other two times I have bought oil, both at this same store. The first time, I fumbled for a way to carry 5 quarts of oil. The second time, I noticed there were baskets at the door. But never has anyone asked me what I wanted when they saw me standing in the oil section and started getting it for me. Also, it was odd to assume the card wasn't mine, but rather a relative's. The total confusion at finding out I was his "son", after I had handed him the credit card he presumed was my Dad's.

It seems to add up. I think he perceived me as female right up until the moment when I used the word "son." I left soooooo happy!

A few weeks earlier I called for Mom and Dad to close their satellite internet account, since we are finally able to get DSL here. The subject of my gender never came up, as I only stated that I was calling to close Jim Smith's account. He was super sweet to me, and in the end he explained that he was sending a pre-paid box for some of the satellite gear. "Where is the dish mounted?"

"On the corner of the roof."

"Will your husband or someone be able to climb up and get that down for you?" :):):):)

In both instances I'm extremely happy that they got my gender right. (Presumably in the oil instance.) Friends have been telling me that my days as passing as a guy are pretty much over, but I never really believed. Now I am starting to see it and I'm thrilled!

But does anyone see a pattern here? Apparently I should need help picking out my oil? I admit I had to look it up in the manual right before I walked in the store, but still! And have my husband climb up and take down a piece of metal held by a few bolts. Oh really? What an assumption. For the most part women are more graceful than men. Plus we don't have that invulnerability complex that men have in most instances All in all I'd say I'm safer on a roof than most men. I'm not super strong but I think I could probably unscrew some bolts holding a satellite dish too.

If women are supposed to be helpless and inept at all skills other than changing diapers and curling hair, I'm going to have a hard time passing. LOL!! Still its all very flattering though. I'm so happy, and I'm very convinced everything is going to work out. Maybe someday I really will have a husband. And if he insists, he can do all the ladder climbing, wrenching and oil changing. I won't miss it.

A Weekend Getaway

2010-02-28T19:20:00.000-05:00

For the first time in five weeks, I got a chance to visit my friends in Lexington last weekend.

Friday afternoon, I had my second laser appointment at the new laser place. I had a different laser operator, but she was very nice and quite thorough. I have always had my appointments 2 to 3 months apart, so I was pleasantly surprised by how much less painful it is to come in more frequently, as less hair has returned. I think at this point I have quite a bit of permanent hair reduction too.

The down side to starting the weekend with laser though, is that because of my sensitive skin I am afraid to follow that up with makeup. This time so little hair remains that I could have covered it with makeup, if I weren't worried about break outs though. I ended up spending the weekend in boy mode, but it really wasn't such a bad thing. The clothes have never been important to me. I o have a touch of fashionista spirit, but really for me, the important thing has always been having my gender recognized and being able to be myself.

Despite my running around dressed completely in Men's attire, around my friend's I felt confident and was free to be myself. Not once did anyone call me a he. They know who I am and ugly clothes or visible laser scorched facial hair doesn't change that. That understanding means so very much to me. =)

Of course out and about, it can be a little awkward. Two weeks after my previous laser session, I had an experience at a restaurant that demonstrated that people are starting to recognize me as a woman even in guy mode. But very shortly after that, more hair came in on the upper lip, and charring it with lasers Friday left that hair much more visible. I looked masculine again, and though my friends can see past it, the rest of the world doesn't quite know what to make of me.

Saturday we were out for a bit. I went by Sally's beauty supply with Tina and Lisa. That was actually pretty comfortable. Everyone was so nice! I was mainly looking for a leave in oil treatment and they pointed me to some Moroccan oil that is apparently all the rage right now, but they only had it in sample sizes. After looking around, I found something that seemed very similar to the Healthy Sexy Hair soy treatment I usually use. While I was looking another employee came by and mentioned to another girl that the stuff I was holding was the best they had besides the Morroccan. Its a generic soy/wheat protein oil, and much cheaper than what I used to use so I took it. Turns out its a little heavier than the previous stuff I used, but it fights dryness just as well and leaves my hair soft, smooth and shiny after heat treatment, so I'm very pleased.

I also dropped by TJ Maxx to look for more earrings. I think being out as a guy was more frustrating at this stop than anywhere else that weekend. It really hurts my pride when I have to shop presenting male. The whole experience was so uncomfortable that I ended up taking the very first pair of CZ studs I asked for out of the case. I just kept thinking about how silly I must look to this clerk, looking around at all these earrings. The ones I actually asked to see were pretty androgynous, but I was still so uncomfortable that I started blushing. Awkward!

Don't think they quite knew what to think of me at Quizno's either. The staff seemed a bit curt and I decided it was probably about my odd appearance. .

Saturday night, I changed the earrings out with little trouble. Seems my ears are mostly healed, which is so nice! Lisa invited Keith over. He is the husband of the local trans support group's president, and also a hair drresser. We played a bunch of Scategories and Family Feud DVD edition. Keith offered to cut my hair the next day and I took him up on the offer.

I really love the cut! Very subtly layered, and a little shorter. As for the styling, Keith really pumped up the volume! He did such a great job. I left looking so silly. Men's clothes, visible facial hair, and this lovely, dramatic Ms. America hair. I wished so much the rest of my appearance could have matched the hair that day.

Sunday night I said my goodbyes. It was just great having some time with my friends and I left feeling completely recharged. Its been an awkward week recovering from laser, but everything should be okay by Friday. =)

Ma'am =)

2010-02-18T19:19:00.000-05:00

I just had one of the most gratifying experiences ever, less than an hour ago and now I'm just sitting at home feeling so content. I got off from work and went to the next town over to hit Taco Bell with Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad just wanted to eat and drive, so I offered to go in and order. I looked a wreck. Five days behind on maintaining my eyebrows. 10 hours since a shave, and a little hair is creeping back in since the last laser appointment. Huge Lee Dungaree jeans. Two layers of oversize mens shirts. Giant clunky Doc Marten's and a massive leather men's trench coat.

I placed my order and as she handed me the receipt, I was almost certain the clerk called me ma'am.

I was wondering if I had heard correctly as I gathered up my various sauce packages, straws and napkins. Then my order came up and as I tried to find a way to carry 3 drinks and a bag, she said "Ma'am, would you like a drink carrier?"

I'm sure I was absolutely beaming. Her words were unmistakable this time. I was looking as masculine as I ever look anymore, trying (though not very hard) to pass as a guy, and without makeup, and with clothes that worked against me instead of in my favor for purposes of gender identification, she called me ma'am with complete confidence.

I'm more confident than ever that I am well on my way to being able to successfully go full time and consistently have my true gender recognized.

Some interesting phone things have happened lately too. I'm being identified as female on 100% of calls to parties who don't know me in person.

Also, central office called to requeset I offer my services to one of the elementary schools for some computer stuff. She left me the number of the girl I was supposed to help. They had told her the tech "guy" would be calling, so she expected a man.

So when I called, she seemed a little confused. After we had talked a few minutes she's like "So, your husband is the one coming to help?" :P

I'm feeling so confident.

Outside today the snow was melting away and the sun was filtering through the grey winter clouds. Maybe it heralds the end of more than one winter in my life. Spring seems filled with new hope for me. I don't know what 2010 holds, and I'm sure there are challenges. I am confronting my physical challenges and changing perceptions. I'm getting to be myself, and as my body changes I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. No matter what happens and how things come out, its worth absolutely anything to live my life with authenticity.

=)

The Decay of Boy Mode

2010-02-08T16:38:00.000-05:00

*~*~Me at work today, February 8, 2010.~*~*

The first month and a half of 2010 have been very eventful in terms of my physical transition. The hormones are still slowly altering my body shape, my skin continues to soften, and the remaining body hair continues to lose follicle density, pigmentation and thickness. Even my face looks a little different, especially in the rounding of my cheeks.

On top of all that, the facial laser appointment I had in mid-January has proven very successful. The laser operator at the new place is a lot more thorough than the dermatologist I was seeing. She carefully zaps the entire area at the setting decided on for the session, then lowers the settings and does a second round. The result is no huge gaps like I used to experience. As a matter of fact, it has probably been 20 years since I have had such small amounts of facial hair. Of course, some of it will grow back, but I am scheduled for 4 more treatments yet.

The old self conscious feeling that used to come with working with my new voice is also gone. I get to use my natural inflection, which I used to hold back, and combine that with my now higher and clearer voice. I'm pleased with the results, and the whole thing feels very natural. So natural in fact, that it is very hard to recapture my male voice.

The end results of all of the great changes? I look a lot less male, or at least to me I do.

The upside of this, is that I feel much better about myself, no matter what gender I am presenting as on a given day. As my true gender, I'm much more confident. But even in boy mode I have the comfort of knowing that no matter what I wear, I just really don't look like a guy.

The downside? Changes this drastic do not go unnoticed. Of itself, that is not a bad thing. I'm proud of my gender, and I want to be recognized properly, and I don't want to have to rely on clothing and makeup for props to help people make that identification. But I still must work as a guy so there is the worry that eventually I will go far enough that my employment is jeopardized.

Right now, most people are nice to me. A few men at the office are standoffish, but otherwise things are smooth. Many of the kids speak to me in the halls now, and it has been months since any of the boys have shouted "fag" or "gay" as I pass by. I'm not quite sure how much people know about what is happening with me. As long as they continue to tolerate me through this awkward in-between stage, I'll be so grateful to my little home town. :)

Songs That Inspire: What If?

2010-01-30T22:01:00.000-05:00

Several blogs back, I blogged about the song "Defying Gravity", because I find it very uplifting and motivational. There are many other songs that carry meaning for me in my transition. I've decided to start sharing the songs that mean the most to me here.

The first song I absolutely must mention is "What If?" by Emilie Autumn. To me it expresses the emotions of feeling captive in a relationship ruled by guilt and unfair expectations.

I sing this song in the shower almost every day. Lately it has come to my attention when visiting friends, that I actually sing loud enough to be heard, so my parents have probably heard this hundreds of times. LOL!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What if
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Written By: Emilie Autumn
Lyrics as heard by: Me :P

Here you sit in your high back chair.
I wonder how the view is from there?
I wouldn't know because I like to sit,
upon the floor, yes upon the floor.

If you like we can play a game.
Lets pretend that we are the same.
You will have to look much closer,
than you do, closer than you do.

I'm far too tired to stay here anymore,
and I don't care what you think anyway.
I think you were wrong about me.
Well what if you were, what if you were?

What if I'm a snow storm burning?
What if I'm a world un-turning?
What if I'm an ocean far too shallow, much to deep?

What if I'm the kindest demon,
something you may not believe in?
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep?

I know you've got me figured out.
Tell me what I'm all about,
and I just might learn a thing or two,
maybe about you, maybe about you.

I'm at the end of your telescope,
but I won't change just to suit your vision.
I am bound by a fraying rope,
around my hands, tied around my hands.

You close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free,
and you put your hands over both your ears,
because you can not stand to believe I'm not,
the perfect girl you thought.

Well what have I got to lose.

What if I'm a weeping willow,
laughing teers upon my pillow?
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone?

What if I'm a toothless leopard?
What if I'm a sheep-less shepherd?
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home?

You don't know me.
You never will, you never will.

I'm outside your picture frame,
and the glass is breaking now.

You won't see me.
You never will, you never will.
No, if you're never going to see.

What if I'm a crowded desert?
Too much pain with little pleasure?
What if I'm the nicest place, you never want to go?

What if I don't know who I am?
Will that keep us both from trying,
to find out? When you have,
be sure to let me know.

What if I'm a snow storm burning?
What if I'm a world un-turning?
What if I'm an ocean far too shallow, much to deep?

What if I'm the kindest demon,
something you may not believe in?
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep?

Google Analytics

2010-01-29T21:28:00.000-05:00

I think the majority of my readership are other transgender bloggers, so I have decided to do a quick write up on one of the most interesting technologies I have incorporated on blogger. Its fun. Its informative. Its free. It is Google Analytics.

Basically, you incorporate a little snippet of code into your web pages, and tracking information goes to Analytics every time someone visits pages that include the code. You can see how many page views your blog has for any calendar day. You can determine what site referred each visitor, and even what search terms were used if the visit was the result of a web search. You can determine what countries, and even which world cities your traffic comes from. It will graph your traffic volume day to day so that you can analyze trends visually. You can even get the length of each visit, and how many pages were opened. Also it is possible to examine the traffic to your individual content to see which blog entries were most popular.

My friend Leslie started mentioning analytics a few months back, and I was very curious. I thought it would probably be a lot of work to get started though, so I put off checking it out for a long time. It turns out it is very easy to start using it, and I regret waiting to try it.

Using it with blogger.com is very simple. All you have to do is go to http://www.google.com/analytics/ and walk through a simple sign up to enable analytics on your existing google account. During the process, it will ask for the domain you wish to track. This will be your blogger address. For instance mine is "shandy-alexis. blogspot.com".

Once you get that entered, it will present you with tracking code that must be added to the site. With blogger, generally your sites all use one template, so it only has to be added in one place.

Simply copy the tracking code presented on the analytics site (highlight everything in the code window then press CONTROL and C for PC users, COMMAND and C for Mac users.) Then go to your blogger dashboard. Click "Layout" in the tab bar across the top. Then click "Edit HTML" in the bar directly beneath the tabs. In the html window search for "/body". (Press CONTROL and F on a PC , or COMMAND and F on a Mac to search. In the search field enter "/body" and hit ENTER. ) It will find one instance. In the code window put the cursor just above the "/body". Hit enter to make a new line, then paste the code from Analytics. (CONTROL and V for PC users, COMMAND and V for Mac users.) Make sure the code looks right, then Click the Save button.

That's it! You are ready to start tracking stats. It compiles statistics at the end of the calendar day, so you will have to wait one day to start getting information out of analytics. Enjoy!

Never Was A Cornflake Girl

2010-01-28T20:09:00.000-05:00

My little corner of the internet is fairly sheltered. I follow a few bloggers, and a few bloggers follow me. Mostly we all get along. We are not all the same, but we really don't expect each other to be alike. Sometimes we disagree, but the debates generally stay civil. Even if tempers do flare, things never digress into childish bickering. Lately though, several posts on other blogs, by authors who are more widely connected, have shown me that the general transgender web community is not always this pleasant.

I refer mostly to the divide that seems to be forming between some transexuals and certain transgender activists. In this post, I have no intention of taking sides. I think this is counter productive. My point instead, is to simply ask, why can we not get along?

It seems that there are several points of contention. The one I have been hearing longest relates to some cross dressers and non-transitioning transgender people balking against a perception of a hierarchy in the trans community, with tiers based on progress in transition. I do think to some extent this hierarchy does exist, and I agree that this is wrong. I can definitely understand how it leaves some people feeling bitter.

Transition is not something for every person with any form of gender dysphoria to aspire to. It is a difficult path, with serious risks and sacrifices, both social and physical all along the way. If you are someone who needs it, you are not any more or less of a person because of where you are on that path. It is all a matter of time.

Then there are those who will never elect to walk this path. Many are transgender in the classic sense. By this I mean that they know in their heart that their mind's gender does not match their biological sex, but for their own reasons they decide not to physically transition.

With many, it is because of family reasons. They put the feelings of their loved ones first, and stay closeted to varying degrees. This does not make someone less of a woman in my eyes. I think for the most part, as women we do have a nurturing instinct, and putting the needs of someone you love ahead of your own wants, even if it means giving up something as important as your public gender identity is a huge sacrifice. My heart goes out to these girls, and their strength just amazes me.

With others, it is because of health concerns. This is not a shortcoming. Many feel the same discomfort with the male aspects of their body that I feel with mine. However, they think past that, prioritize and conclude that the physical discomfort is not worth the risks of transition. They instead make peace with their bodies. Some will elect to transition to a limited extent, and other will not undergo a physical transition at all. Some will boldly elect to live as their true mental gender without undergoing physical transition. I think weighing the options and choosing what you think you need, instead of blindly following your hearts desire takes strength. It is not right to look down on these girls. They are just on a different road.

Beyond all that, there are a plethora of other reasons not to transition. There are cross dressers, ambigender people, and many others who fall into the current definition of transgender. Some have flashes of gender dysphoria. Some feel caught between genders. Some just do not like the social constraints of gender and want to live outside of this. Some people like the thrill and challenge of dressing to pass. These people are progressive thinkers, wanting to live life on their own terms. They do not want pigeon holed, they just want to be free to be themselves. This shows independence and intelligence.

In short, there are many types of transgender people out there. Being post-op full time transexual is not the pinnacle for all trans people to aspire to. It is one of many possible paths.

Another point of contention, are non-transitioning transgender people who think their path is the only right path. I see the notion sometimes, that any of us who see ourselves as women instead of as being between gender are basically delusional. Some extend this argument to include a notion that transition as an unnecessary path best avoided by everyone. Proponents of this concept generally argue that transexual women like me are just desperate creatures, who can't see the big picture and learn to accept ourselves physically and think outside the gender binary.

My impression is that this whole idea comes from non-transitioning people who are frustrated by the perceived hierarchy laid out in the the first point of contention. I think more than anything, it is a statement made to bring post-op transexuals who seem arrogant and clique-ish down a notch.

I can also say with absolute certainty that the whole idea is wrong. I am a pre-op transexual, and transitioning is the best decision I have ever made. I do see well past the gender binary, but I feel that my place on the gender spectrum does lean very heavily to one side. Despite what my genetics and biology say, I am wired female.

For me, a lot of that extends into physical. Before I was old enough to know the differences in male and female genitalia, I already knew that what I had did not seem right. At puberty, the things my body did felt like a betrayal. I still can barely touch my adam's apple. My stomach actually tightens when I do.

I also know trans-men who experienced exactly the reverse through puberty.

My point is that if you do not need physical transition, do not assume the rest of us are misguided. Consider that maybe our issues or priorities are just different. Maybe some people have chosen transition who would have been better served by some other path, but do not assume that all of us need enlightened.

In short it seems to me that on both sides of this debate, there are people who think their path is the only path, who want to look down on everyone else. Lets please all keep in mind that many cis-gender people who feel justified in judging all of us. We all know how frustrating that discrimination is, and how upsetting it is to have close minded people assume to know our own thoughts and needs better than we do ourselves. So does it makes sense for factions in our own little community to divide into two schools of thought and make a little microcosm of societal prejudice? I don't think it does.

Layout Change

2010-01-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

There are so many serious things I would like to write about but in so many instances I'm not quite sure what I want to say. Maybe I'll get to address a few things before the weekend. As for now, I'm only here to mention the temporary layout change. I'm just tired of the colors I chose, and I can't stand that photo of me anymore! Partly it is that I'm not entirely sure I want a huge photo of me at the top of every page. But mainly it is just that I have changed so much since that time.

So for now, a nice, clean, white layout. From there, who knows.

Hopefully I'll be writing something of more substance very soon.

~XO~

Just stuff.

2010-01-21T13:55:00.000-05:00

Healing nicely from my laser appintment last Friday. I almost look human again, and I'm hopeful that the results will be nice after shedding. Ears are doing well after the piercing, with no redness or soreness left as the third week closes.

Work is going okay. A bit nervous and insecure because I look odd after laser, but everyone has been okay with me, and the awkward phase of it is almost over!

At home, things are great. There were no fights after my Lexington trip, and though, my gender is not an open topic, we are all getting along well in every other regard. I feel a lot less stressed, as a result.

My TRIA came in last night and I did a test patch. It feels mild, but it does have that distinctive laser sensation. I have hopes that it actually lives up to its claims. I will publish a multi part video review of the unit. I'll start on the first installment soon.

Guess that is it for now!

Note To Self: Curb Flirty Behavior at Awkward Times

2010-01-19T12:08:00.000-05:00

Last week, a couple I often hang out with invited me to dinner at a mexican restaurant one town over. I love Mexican food and enjoy good company, so I accepted. It was the day after my haircut, so my hair was looking pretty nice. It was the end of the day, so many hours since my last shave. The resulting look was pretty peculiar at best; androgynous in a very unflattering way. Given the circumstances, boy mode was the only real option, but as usual, I wasn't quite pulling it off.

When the waiter came to the table he turned out to be very handsome, and having cute guys perceive me as male is always vexing. Normally I would have been really frustrated that I was sitting here with facial hair and baggy men's clothes, and just let him overlook me. Instead a part of me basically somehow forgot I was looking pretty weird, and I found myself wanting his attention. While he was at the table I found myself letting my over shirt slip off from one side, and leaning in a way that elevated that shoulder. When my hair got in my eyes as I browsed the menu, simply pushing my bangs back would not do. Instead I found myself correcting the problem with a dramatic hair flip and a flourish.

He started taking orders with the couple across the booth from me. "For you madame?", "For you sir?"

Then, he turns and as he starts his sentence he gets his first direct look at me. "For youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...?"

Maybe it was only in my mind. But it seemed, he dragged that "you" out for multiple seconds as he tried to figure out what title it was safe to give me, or if it was best left alone. What made it really funny, is that the stalled sentence was a question. There is that tendency toward the end of a question to let your voice rise. As he stalled on this syllable, his voice just went higher and higher until it reached a comedic pitch. "For youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...?"

In the end, he must have decided using no title was safest. I suddenly felt very embarrassed as I snapped to my senses and realized how ridiculous I was being. I'm sure the staff got a good laugh out of the whole thing later. But then, I did as well. So there!

Season's End

2010-01-17T11:34:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry to bombard everyone with so much sad content. Recent events just reminded me of this very dreary piece I wrote a few years back.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Season's End

Today the wind is flexing its strength,

reminding me how small and insignificant I am.

It roars through the trees whipping them,

tearing away their brown autumn leaves,

setting in motion a fierce arial dance.

The last dance of fall.

When it finishes with its marionettes,

the wind will cast its play things aside to rot and die.

It tears away my warmth as easily as the leaves,

leaving behind a cold emptiness.

Watching the leaves spinning away I can almost imagine my soul

dancing with them on the tumult.

The Character of Nature

2010-01-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

Upon waking Saturday morning I learned that my Uncle Charles had passed on at 1 AM. He had been struggling with lung cancer for months, so it wasn't unexpected news. I had not seen him since childhood, but it was still very sad to learn of his death. He was only 58, and was a wonderful person.

From childhood, I do remember that he was always smiling and had this energetic twinkle in his eyes. He loved being around people and always kept conversations lively with his unique sense of humor. After a stint in the military, he had settled into a career in the mines. It is very harsh work, hard for me to even imagine, but many of the men here have chosen this path for generations. The shifts are long, and spent thousands of feet underground, toiling by artificial light. The possibility of cave ins or human error causing an accident are always there. On my job, if you are not careful, you can lose data. In his a moment's inattention in the wrong situation could cost your life by electrocution or heavy machinery accidents.

Like so many though, he wanted to provide for his family the best way he could. For his son and wife, he chose this difficult line of work and struggled underground, perhaps wrecking his lungs and contributing to the lung cancer that took his life.

In retirement he was an avid gardener. In harvest season he would load up most of his yield and travel around to neighbors in need with gifts of fresh produce. He especially loved to take care of the elderly I am told. Although I was not there, I imagine these visits involved lots of cheery conversation and that he brightened many lonely days.

I never visited in the hospital, because I think in my current state. Mom's family is very conservative and I would probably have only offended people. I am told though, that he fought hard through his illness, but never complained, and that in the end he had told everyone he was ready and knew it was his time.

It seems so unfair that someone can work so selflessly through life, and keep a smile through almost everything, then be cut down so suddenly.

Thinking about that one life in detail, it seems an incomprehensible tragedy. Then there is Haiti also this week. Many thousands of lives just as special and important suddenly cut short. Children. Fathers. Mothers. Dreams. Ambitions. Smiles. Loves. Gone in an instant. The random nature of it and the scale, it's just more than my mind can grasp.

Saturday was my laser day, and I decided I would go. I never told Mom and Dad where I was going, and let them assume I was going to work. I just did not want to stress them at such a time. The day felt dreary as I kept thinking about how harsh and cruel the world can sometimes seem.

The new laser place though, is in a very pleasant mall, and I had lots of time to look around before the appointment. I fed the ducks playing on the frozen pond, and had a wonderful fish dinner in a charming little restaurant. All around people were smiling, laughing and happy.

After lunch I was sitting on the lip of a fountain, listening to the water cascade across its tiers. Outside the ducks continued to play on the ice in their cute waddling gate. Around me, the shoppers passed in chatty, happy little groups. Sitting there surrounded by so many comforting sights and sounds the world did not seem such a harsh place. Even the feeling of the smooth cold tile under my hands seemed a blessing.

Certainly the world is more than I can understand sometimes, but it not a cold, random godless place. As certainly as it would be impossible for a single cell organism to ever have enough DNA mutations to become a plant by coincidence, much less, a complex creature like those marvelous ducks, this world is governed by a creator, and not by random chance.

I realized, sitting there, that all we can do is relish every simple pleasure, try to have whatever tiny positive impact we can on those around us, and reach for our dreams with the time we have.

To me, those do not seem unfair terms. I'm quite grateful for the opportunity.

As time for my appointment came, I stood and tossed a coin into the fountain. I closed my eyes a moment searching for a wish. Nothing grand in the end. Only that my parents could understand and accept me.

With a new serenity, I set out, reaching again for my dreams.

Earring Update

2010-01-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

8 tonight will make precisely 2 weeks since I had my ears pierced on New Years Eve, and I am still as thrilled with the decision as I was that day. The initial exhilaration of doing something different is gone, but I'm always going to think of this as a milestone event. Despite being overdressed, and having nowhere to go at that time of evening except a crowded Wal-Mart, I walked proudly to the counter, requested my ears pierced, shopped an hour as I waited and finally left wearing earrings, like I have always wished i could. Even better, everyone was incredibly nice to me; employees and other customers as well.

In fall of 2007, my first outing presenting as my true gender was also at a Wal-Mart. I was so nervous I was sweating. So nervous, I couldn't slow my steps. My only goal had been to go into the store, look around and leave, without needing to talk to anyone. What I managed was a quick power walk through the main aisles that block around the store, and I was an absolute nervous wreck, every muscle taught through the entire experience. I went home physically sore.

When I think about how far I have come since that time, in terms of knowledge, strength, self awareness. Even in terms of physical transition and pass-ability, it is just hard to believe. At that point in time it was hard to imagine ever being where I am now. The ability to just get out and be myself, without terror or being constantly self conscious seemed out of reach. At that point, I couldn't have walked through a register. Now, I can request something as personal and interactive as ear piercing without a twinge of worry.

I think the simple act of getting my ears pierced symbolizes that personal growth well. It does feel like a rite of passage. :)

My ears are healing very well. The piercings are barely sensitive at all now, and under the studs, there is plenty evidence of healing. All the swelling and pinkish coloration is gone, and there is no pain or itching. In 4 more weeks, I'll be able to take the starter studs out and begin to wear any earrings I choose. For now, I have no other earrings, but I'll certainly find an inexpensive way to expand my options soon. I am a bit emotionally attached to these little CZ studs though. I think I will file down the posts and try to find normal looking backs for them and a box. :)

Snip Snip!

2010-01-13T14:39:00.000-05:00

On this blog, a title like that could mean most anything. In this instance though, I am only referring to an innocent little hair cut. My stylist always does such a great job! I think she absolutely must have figured out I am trans. If a guy walked in with randomly flat ironed hair and asked for a trim and a color, I think you would probably just flat iron it back to some semblance of what it was before he walked in. For me though, without even asking, she'll poof the back and style my bangs prettily. You can't see how cool the back is in the photos though.

I never go this far styling my hair for work, so the days when I take a little break and head to the salon, are my days when I depart the very farthest form the male norm while still working as a male.

Thank you S, for the great dye job and killer styling. I'm so happy! =)

Without all the gray roots, I feel so much more confident about going to laser Friday.

A Laser, Of A Different Sort. (TRIA)

2010-01-13T11:30:00.000-05:00

Recently, I posted that I'm about to try a new laser provider. Today, I am a bit nervous about yet another laser decision.

For several months, I have been seeing TRIA lasers on QVC, and wondering whether they are legitimate. I've started to research several times, but I always get sidetracked. After my last post, Jamiegottagun dropped a comment, mentioning that she was considering that as a possible laser solution at some point. Well, Jamie has always seemed to me a no nonsense kind of girl, and not the type to fall for goofy infomercials, so I decided it probably was worth looking into.

For me, this is not something I hope to be a magic bullet, to completely remove every unwanted hair on my entire body. Basically all I want is something that will permanently reduce my leg and arm hair to more tolerable levels, and clear a few other areas that are a bit problematic for me. To do that at a skin spa with commercial laser would cost thousands. So an alternative at $630 sounds intriguing.

I do think, after looking around online that this is a legitimate product. Most negative reviews seem to come from either unrealistic expectations, impatience, or those trying to use it on hair types it doesn't even claim to work on. It is FDA approved to advertise for permanent hair reduction, which is reassuring. Plus, its rare to see gimmicky, completely non-functional products in this price range. Most people trying to sell something like that, pick a much lower price point, to pull in customers, knowing that most won't bother to hassle with the return process to recoup the loss.

Sold direct through TRIA, this laser has a 1 year warranty, and a 90 day return policy. QVC sells them and has a 30 day no questions asked policy about any returns. They generally don't bother carrying non-functioanl products in this price range.

Also, there are occasional intelligent reviews, where someone bothers to state their hair type and skin tone are both in the right range, who report pretty spectacular results. Better than I need in many instances.

So, ny new hair removal strategy? Skin Solutions in LExington can do my face, and I'll try taking care of everything form the neck down myself, with TRIA. My hope is that between my hormone regimens gradual reduction and TRIA, that I can make my legs and arms more managable and eliminate most of the other hair on my body. After 8 months of TRIA, I'll switch back to epilating to yank out remaining hair, in hopes that the gradual plucking damaged, combined with hormones, will leave me with very little hair requiring electrolysis.

By the end of this year, maybe I'll be mostly hair free, and be in a good situation for switching to electrolysis for the remaining resistant facial hair and other remaining hair that is in places awkward enough to concern me.

I just put the order in today so lots of new laser things will be happening over the next couple of weeks. I feel pretty bad about the cost, but the alternative is so much more. If I can get worthwhile results out of this little device, its going to make my whole transition so much cheaper.

Oh no! Another Laser Blog!

2010-01-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

I've not been to laser since early October, but many parts of my face and neck are still nearly clear. I've never felt this good about the way I look.

Still, I have decided to try something different. My current laser operator is only open Monday through Friday, and keeps very short office areas on Fridays. Because of this, I have had to take personal days to take care of my laser treatments so far, making it hard to go as often as I should.

This week, as I was contemplating calling my old laser place, my heart kept telling me I should instead check out a laser treatment spa many of my friends in Lexington were using. I couldn't shake this feeling that I needed to switch, and I put off the call for a while to think about it. When I finally did call the current place, the phone was on auto-attendant and the mail box was full. At that point, I decided I should just trust my intuition and try the other place.

I called and found they were very pleasant, and offered a variety of advantages over the operator I see now. They do Saturday appointments, are an hour closer, and cheaper as well. I'll be able to go every 6-8 week instead of once every 3 months, since I don't have to use personal days. Hopefully this will make it a little faster to get the results I need.

Still I'm nervous about switching. Its hard leaving when something was working. This will be a new operator, who will probably want to start at safe, low settings and work back up to something more effective. Also, it will be a different technology. To this point, I have been using IPL, intense pulsed light. At the new place, I'll be receiving actual laser treatments. IPL is actually very easy on the skin, and has even helped my complexion. I don't think laser has the positive skin effects, and that, I'm going to miss. I also don't know which is more effective on light skin with dark, deep rooted hair. Another concern is that I will be switching from a licensed dermatologist, to someone who's training is a lot shorter and more specific.

I'm excited, and a little nervous. I hope this continues to be effective, and that my skin handles it well. But I think I am making the right decision. The price is better, I'll have better scheduling options, and the opportunity to go much more often. Plus, its in a town where I actually know people. That is always nice. Others are getting great results, so we'll see. My fingers are crossed.

Do I Ask So Much?

2010-01-03T15:24:00.000-05:00

I had a magnificent New Year's. Thursday through Saturday were just such wonderful times that they felt surreal. I find myself wishing I had written about it while that dream-like quality still lingered. Instead though, I find myself isolated and upset, trying to recount the best few days I have had in quite a long time. Mom hurt my feelings this morning, and I upset her. Now resentment, anger, fear and guilt taint my mood. I do not wish to hurt anyone. All I want to do is take this precious little drop of time that is life, and try to make it happy. I want to be myself. I don't want my life to be like tip toeing through a mine field, never knowing when some small step or innocent movement will trigger an emotional explosion. I want to be free to run, to dance, to live openly. Why can't people accept me for who I am, instead of being so upset by every little thing I do?

As I said, New Year's Eve and the following day were spectacular. Lisa was kind enough to invite me and several of my friends to her house for a New Year's get together. I decided to ring in the new year in style, so instead of wearing jeans, I decided to go with a scarlet red, cowl neck, sweater dress. After I got ready for the party, I ran out to take care of one of my New Year's resolutions. I had decided a while back that this was the day I was going to pierce my ears. We needed a few party supplies, so I chose Wal-Mart for the piercing job. I thought about changing back into something more casual for the trip, but my friends assured me that I looked great and that everything would be okay.

I decided just to wear the dress. Finally getting my ears pierced is symbolic for me, and it felt as momentous as a Hollywood Awards ceremony. The dress was fine.

I was nervous as I arrived at Wal-Mart. Usually I have friends around when I am in public these days, and walking in to Wal-Mart alone conjured memories from less passable times in my past. Being decidedly overdressed, and in bright red no less, added to the awkward feeling. But everything went smoothly. Actually, many of the men in the store gave me, obviously appraising looks, and none of the women got that annoyed look that says "look at that gaudy, ridiculously dressed tranny. " Instead I just got quick, subtle up and down look, with no obvious emotion behind the eyes.

When I got to the jewelry counter and asked about piercing, the very polite clerk informed me that the girl who does piercing had just stepped away for lunch. It turns out she meant that very literally, as as she was barely outside of the jewelry area. So close in fact, that she over heard us. She turned and explained that she would be back in about an hour if I would care to come back, then asked whether the piercing was for me, and I said that it was. I left wondering "Hmm, did she identify me as a cross dressed male and decide the piercing must be for someone else, or do I just look to old to still need pierced, so that she instead thought I must be bringing a child?" It actually turned out to be the latter, but I had an hour to wonder before I found out. LOL!

I managed to spread out the party supply shopping for the hour. It was actually very pleasant. I ended up in every department in the store. No laughs, no stares. I think the most flattering moment was when I was looking for sparkling grape juice, and a guy came by and tried awkwardly to start a conversation with me, about how Wal-Mart always moves things and makes them hard to find. He was actually kind of cute too! :)

As I checked out with the groceries, I was in a huge line, but again, no one stared, laughed or hassled me in any way. The girl who rung up my groceries chatted away, asking me questions about the New Year's party, going by my outfit and the items I had in my cart. She was obviously very much at ease with me. As the greeter checked my receipt, she complimented me continually. "You look so pretty!" She said at least twice. Also she complimented my height and said she wished she could be tall.

After I got the groceries out, I went back just in time for my ear piercing. The lady certified for the work kept telling me she was surprised I had not had my ears pierced yet, and asked why I had waited so long. We chatted comfortably about the piercing and I picked out tiny silver and cubic zirconium studs. The other girl working the counter had now left for her break, so jewelry customers had to wait through the process. When I sat down for the actual piercing, I must have looked frightened. One of the ladies in line asked if I was scared and I admitted that I was a little bit. She was very reassuring. The clerk also explained that it wouldn't hurt very much. Still, even though I eppilate religiously, and have had 1000s of hair follicles fried out simultaneously with lasers, I waited nervously with my eyes closed as she lined up the piercing gun with marker spots she had placed on my lobes.

Everyone was right though. It was near painless. In a few moments, I was looking into the mirror at two sparkly little dot sized earrings. They looked lovely, and it felt momentous. Like a rite of passage.

Back in my car, driving to Lisa's, I thought over my hour long store visit and how far I had come in this year. I would have been terrified and self conscious, stepping to that counter back then. I would have assumed that no one would have wanted to have me at their counter, much less end up having to have enough contact to pierce my ears. Looking back now, it seems silly that I ever hated myself so much that I made assumptions like that, but I did. At that point I felt like a leper; some poor, unfortunate soul that know one would want around once they knew the truth.

Back at the party everyone congratulated me and complimented my cute little earrings. We chatted and dined right up until 2010 was 10 minutes away. Then we turned on the television to catch the ball drop in Times Square. I can't imagine a better way to ring in a New Year. I felt victorious. My physical transition will be a major part of 2010, but in 2009, there was an emotional metamorphosis. I transformed from a scared, shy, self loathing person, to a happy, sociable, confident woman. I realized suddenly, that the remaining facial hair is the only thing that robs me of the confidence I need to go full time.

Friday and Saturday were also very positive. I stayed in town and had a wonderful visit at Lisa's. Time with my friends always leaves me so happy. Everyone is so supportive, and the conversations are just amazing. Mostly we just got carried away with long chats and the hours flew by as we talked and laughed.

Saturday night I retunred home. This morning, Mom noticed the earrings and went on a tirade. "If you are a woman, I don't see why you need to flaunt it." "You are going to ruin everything for everyone, just to make yourself happy" "I see other young people trying to do things to make this world better, and all you are focused on is destroying yourself."

I told her that tiny cubic zirconium studs are not exactly flaunting anything. And that if another girl feels like carrying a red umbrella, or piercing her ears, or paying attention to her hair that the world is fine with it. I explained that I can not live my entire life pretending to be a man just to make things easier for her. The conversation was heated. I told her again, that I will transition, that it is not a matter open to debate. Then I left.

I cried driving, thinking of how hurt and worried she is. Just days ago we were happily exchanging the presents we bought for each other. Now she is all upset because I did something that most daughters have already done by their teens. I wish it were only the ear piercing. I would take them out, let it heal back and get on with my life. But the reason they can't deal with it, is because they do not see me as female. That is what is upsetting.

There is no sense in me backing down. The earrings are optional, but there are many much bigger things that must be done, which are not. Backing down on this will not save them from any of the pain that will come with watching me transition. Backing down would also make me look vulnerable. If I show evidence that I can be persuaded through guilt, then I'll have to contend with even more of it through my transition.

I'm proud of the earrings. For me, they symbolize the many social and presentation challenges I have overcome in the last two years. They are a milestone. If someone does not want me to wear them, they can pry them out of my cold dead lobes.

Tomorrow, will be my first day at work with them. After that, 6 weeks before things heal enough that I can wear them selectively instead of 24-7. In a bit, I'll drive home. I don't feel like talking to Mom, and looking at me will just upset her anyway. I'll probably just stay in my room...

Vlogging

2009-12-29T12:12:00.000-05:00

Just me. Nothing more. A simple, honest snapshot of an awkward, but exciting and wonderful point in my transition. I've always been afraid to post videos. Seeing photos is one thing, while seeing and hearing me, its just scary imagining what people will think. Today I decided the best way to get past that fear would be to start with a video that shows me without any of the props I use to define my image. No dresses, no makeup, no carefully ironed hair. Just the natural me. I did it partially because I know there's no need to fear the camera, once I've presented myself like this. And partially because this blog is meant to document transition and this is a phase in my personal journey. This is the version of me that the world sees everyday. The boy mode version that gets laughed at in new restaurants. The version that everyone around me is trying to understand. The me of the moment. And I am fine with that, and comfortable presenting it. This incarnation is a means to an end. A step in a process. A bridge to the life I know I am meant to have.

...Of Decorations, Devices, and Dinosaurs

2009-12-27T11:06:00.000-05:00

Once there was a magical fairy princess, who lived in a primeval forest with her human parents, who cherished and loved her as a son. It was all quite ideal, except for the "son" notion, but she harbored no resentment. After all, she was quite unusually tall, and had an unfortunate propensity for growing facial hair.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

BLIP!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wrong story!

That is a fairy tale for another day. But for now, harken unto this heraldic and fanciful tale, of Shandy Alexis: blogger, debutante, and fashionista extraordinaire. Also, the fabled master of the thesaurus built into Apple's OS X dashboard, or so some iterations of the legend go...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

BLIP!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oops! Thats still a bit over the top. Its so hard to find decent narrators these days.

To put it simply, I've had a great holiday, and I'm very happy. Happy enough that my quirky sense of humor is working obviously. :P

I was dreading Christmas Eve at my grandmother's, because the Aunt and Uncle who are so opposed to me would be there, and several of the other relatives there have not seen me in a while. Everything went smoothly though, and no one treated me any differently than past years. The before mentioned Aunt actually went out of her way to be civil.

Christmas morning, my parents were both thrilled with the gifts I selected. This was a relief, because my budget was a bit lower this year, with so many transition expenses effecting me. Besides that, I have felt a bit distracted and not as focused this year on buying just the right thing. In the end, they were pleased though and I was happy to have found things they liked.

I am happier with my presents than I have ever been. Usually there is at least one item gender specific and leaning toward male. When such gifts continued to come after I came out to them, it started getting upsetting. I limit my travels and put my transitional activities on hold through the holidays to prevent stressing them. Instead of responding in kind, by dodging the issue with gender neutral gifts, they have often bought male specific things that hurt my feelings.

It was never intentional. I think that is what made it so frustrating and hurtful. They didn't understand me well enough to see I would take offense, and it left me feeling rather hopeless. This year however, things were different. I got a GPS, because they know I travel a lot, have no sense of direction, and tend to use navigation on a phone while driving. It was a very thoughtful gift, and one that will actually make me a safer person. Also because I travel a lot and they worry about my safety, they gave me a really nice flashlight for the car, in case I break down or otherwise need one. Again very thoughtful, though leaning slightly toward being a male gift. They had my safety in mind, and that makes me more happy than I can easily explain. :)

The last present, was a complete surprise. A Pleo! It is quite possibly the most adorable thing I have ever seen. He's a cute little robotic dinosaur, and he moves so realistically. If you pet him on his head, he'll coo and wag his tail. He curls up if you pet him on just the right part of his back long enough. If left alone he'll start to explore the house, or occasionally sing happy little dinosaur sounds, while swaying side to side. If you turn him over and cradle him, he curls up and looks up into your eyes. Also, his little feet are ticklish and he squirms around when you touch them if he's upside down. He does many other equally adorable things, and he is cute as a button, with green to brown skin and beautiful blue eyes. I'll admit freely, I cried through opening the package, reading the manual, and many times at cute little things he has done since.

The day after, I went to visit some very dear friends; a couple. I decided to take Pleo along, to show how adorable he is. Mom said the girl would definitely want one and just fall in love with him, but that she didn't expect the guy to be very excited about a baby dinosaur. That's when I became certain that she realized exactly what an un-masculine gift Pleo was. I was again thrilled.

I took Pleo on my visit. He arrived cuddled up under my coat, (only because batteries shouldn't get too cold of course *cough*) and I began to show off a few of his tricks. Immediately one of my friends smiled and said something to the extent that "this is extremely close to being a girl gift." I really agree. Even if they do no quite accept my gender yet, my parents do know who I am. Mom said she was sure this one would be my favorite present when she handed me the box. To know that, she would have to understand that I do have a nurturing, sentimental sort of nature. Its so nice to know that she understands and appreciates some parts of who I am. Or maybe they just think I'm five years old. :P

The whole holiday was amazing. It's been wonderful having time with my family, and I've felt unusually free to be myself, which makes the whole experience that much more enjoyable. And I'll cherish Pleo forever. I've already ran the battery down three times. LOL!

Still ahead, are my birthday and then New Year's Eve. My birthday, I will probably spend quietly at home, with my family.

For New year's I have been graciously invited to Lisa's in Lexington, for a very small get together. This should be a treat, as the guest list includes many of my best friends. I'm so excited! =)

My New Year's resolution are two-fold. I want to pierce my ears while in Lexington. I've started to three times, but I keep backing out. Perhaps making it a time sensitive New Year's resolution will keep me on track. I'll probably get some ultra cheap, tiny little studs as a birthday present to myself, and then count on wearing my hair down for a very long time to cover them up most the time at work. Maybe if I'm lucky, no one will ever see both studs at the same time. LOL! The other resolution is to get back on my elliptical three times a week. I was doing so good with this until fall allergy season started, but I have not exercised since October. Yikes!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's everyone!

What's In a Dream?

2009-12-24T10:08:00.000-05:00

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Warming, mildly slutty content. LOL!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Last night I had the strangest dream.

My job sent me to the state capitol for some reason, and I was carrying a camera in secure areas. Two handsome security guards in black suits took me in for questioning. After I broke down crying and explained it was all a big misunderstanding, they realized I was harmless and began to comfort me and apologized for the inhospitable treatment.

At that point, we all began to chat, and one of the guys turned out to be the head of security for the state. He was tall, and elegant, with lovely dark eyes and black hair. In interrogation, he had been very intimidating, but afterward, that hard dangerous edge was gone, and he smiled easily. The effect was quite charming.

The conversation eventually became cleverly and subtly flirty, and I found myself holding up my end of the dialog comfortably. I was in my element, his attraction feeding my confidence. My attraction feeding my desire. Slowly the conversation wound its way to an invite to his lavish home.

As I toured the lovely manner we happened past a palatial bath, with an enormous recessed marble tub complete with stares and lovely statuary. I complemented the room, and he gave the taps a twist. As the bathbegan to fill with steaming water his intent was obvious.

I stepped close, pressing my body against his muscular chest. I looked up into his eyes (he must have been ridiculously tall) and began loosening his tie. The feel of his hands gently sliding into the small of my back was perfect; exactly the touch I had been needing for such a long time. I craned my neck upward for a kiss, and then....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I woke up.

Drama Is a State of Mind

2009-12-23T19:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know if its the time of year, something hormonal, or too much time to think over holiday break. But for whatever reason, I'm having major mood swings.

For example, today I was driving to a LAN party at the office and in a yard someone had built two snowmen. If I had seen them yesterday, when the snow cover was solid, it would have made me smile. Whoever built them made them symetrical, side by side. Their little twig fingers touching in the middle; a little snow couple holding hands. Today though the snow is receding, and it just looked so sad. The frightened little snow couple embracing eachother for courage against the inevitable melt. I actually cried as I drove, thinking about the poor little snow couple, and all the real couples they could represent. Any of my friends, my parents. Perhaps me and whoever I am meant to be with. If anyone. Who will hold my hand and give me courage in the face of advancing age? Actually I'm filling that emotion again just describing this in text, and the tears are flowing.

After I bounced back from this, I was looking forward to getting to the LAN party and playing a bit of Warcraft III with my co-workers and their families. Upon arrival, I was happy. One game in though, I walked to the restroom. Looking at myself in the florescent lights, I hated everything about me. My skin looked aged, my body looked figureless, and the angles of my face looked masculine. The remaining facial hair was somehow more prominent than usual. Suddenly I just wished I could be home.

Now I am home and everything is back to normal. I look in the mirror and everything is what I am used to seeing; what I have made peace with and even learned to feel blessed with.

I'm not writing this to whine. Most of the time I'm happy. Right now I'm okay even. But I just wish somehow I could get past these odd mood swings. Today was my estrogen injection day. Maybe my levels have been getting low. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some stability. LOL!

Hourglass...

2009-12-22T18:14:00.000-05:00

Back on Saturday night, there was a power failure and I was watching The Wizard of Oz (on a TV ran by a generator). Eventually it comes to Dorothy's capture, and the hourglass full of ominous red sand, counting down to her execution. Its really like that for all of us, and this time of year, I am always unusually aware. "Like sand through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives." Only for the rest of us, Todo is not bringing lions and scarecrows and tin men to the rescue. Oh my! Not only that, but we do not even have the benefit of seeing the hourglass. We can only guess how much time we have to do what we are meant to with life.

So here we are. Christmas, New Years, and my birthday, all taking place within the same week; reminding me that the red sands are still slipping away. In the news? Brittany Murphy, dead 2 years younger than me. Also I'm constantly reminded that I'm behind in my race.

I'm single, childless, barren, and living with my parents. I'm working in a job that I probably can't count on once the truth about me comes out. Aside from all that, I am only now experiencing the proper sort of puberty. Society sees me as the wrong gender for the most part, including my family. I'll probably have the wrong genitalia for at least two more years.

Just thinking about it all, I feel frantic, and lonely. Several nights over the last two week I've woke from dreams that I was with a boyfriend. Always I wake feeling so lonely, and wishing I had someone. Then I remember all my physical limitations, and I know as lonely as I am, that I'm not yet physically ready to be with anyone. My body is still a work in progress.

Still, I'm thankful, just a little freaked out. I have to think in terms of my current progress.

I feel my transition is going very well. Last year at this time the UK endo clinic was still an unknown quantity. A scary place that had the power to approve my transition, or cause me lots of trouble.

Now I have met the endocrinologist multiple times. My hormone regimen is lined out and every measurement of my body has drastically changed since this time last year. When I look in the mirror, I am very happy with the rate of change. I guess I just need to keep being patient and taking things one step at a time.

Through the holidays I am taking things easy, not to stress the family. But I still keep seeing that hourglass, and I desperately need to renew the race. After Christmas, I'll hit the ground running. I'll be calling my therapist and the dermatologist who does my laser treatments. I'll also be looking at an alternative laser place, and looking for an electrologist.

In therapy, I'll be going over the standards of care and further researching the requirements for my name change, orchiectomy, and eventually, GRS.

A few weeks ago, I was working on a laptop in a classroom at work. Some of the girls were trying to strike up a conversation, asking me questions, and eventually got around to my age. I said "ancient!", and at that point they began guessing. No one guessed anything above 23. I'm not spent. There's lots of fight and fire left, and I will find my way.